CHAPTER XVIII
Colonel Sterett Relates Marvels.
"As I asserts frequent," observed the Old Cattleman, the whiledelicately pruning a bit of wood he'd picked up on his walk, "the fundsof information, gen'ral an' speshul, which Colonel William GreeneSterett packs about would freight a eight-mule team. It's even moneywhich of 'em saveys the most, him or Doc Peets. For myself, aftercareful study, I inclines to the theery that Colonel Sterett'sknowledge is the widest, while Peets's is the most exact. Both iscollege gents; an' yet they differs as to the valyoo of sechsem'naries. The Colonel coppers colleges, while Peets plays 'em to win.
"'Them temples of learnin',' says the Colonel, 'is a heap ornate; butthey don't make good.' This is doubted by Peets.
"One evenin' Dan Boggs, who's allers tantalisin' 'round askin'questions--it looks like a sleepless cur'osity is proned intoDan--ropes at Peets concernin' this topic:
"'Whatever do they teach in colleges, Doc?' asks Dan.
"'They teaches all of the branches," retorts Peets.
"'An' none of the roots,' adds Colonel Sterett, 'as a cunnin' Yank onceremarks on a o'casion sim'lar.'
"No, the Colonel an' Peets don't go lockin' horns in these differences.Both is a mighty sight too well brought up for that; moreover, theydon't allow to set the camp no sech examples. They entertains too higha regyard for each other to take to pawin' about pugnacious, verbal orotherwise.
"The Colonel's information is as wide flung as a buzzard's wing.Thar's mighty few mysteries he ain't authorised to eloocidate. An'from time to time, accordin' as the Colonel's more or less in licker,he enlightens Wolfville on a multitoode of topics. Which the Colonelis a profound eddicational innocence; that's whatever!
"It's one evenin' an' the moon is swingin' high in the bloo-blackheavens an' looks like a gold doorknob to the portals of the eternalbeyond. Texas Thompson fixes his eyes tharon, meditative an' pensive,an' then he wonders:
"'Do you-all reckon, now, that folks is livin' up thar?'
"'Whatever do you think yourse'f, Colonel?' says Enright, passin' theconundrum over to the editor of the _Coyote_. 'Do you think thar'sfolks on the moon?'
"'Do I think thar's folks on the moon?' repeats the Colonel as ca'mlyconfident as a club flush. 'I don't think,--I knows.'
"'Whichever is it then?' asks Dan Boggs, whose ha'r already begins tobristle, he's that inquisitive. 'Simply takin' a ignorant shot in thedark that away, I says, "No." That moon looks like a mighty lonesomeloominary to me.'
"'Jest the same,' retorts the Colonel, an' he's a lot dogmatic, 'thatplanet's fairly speckled with people. An' if some gent will recall theerrant fancies of Black Jack to a sense of dooty, I'll onfold how Iknows.
"'It's when I'm crowdin' twenty,' goes on the Colonel, followin' theministrations of Black Jack, 'an' I'm visitin' about the meetropolis ofLooeyville. I've been sellin' a passel of runnin' hosses; an' as Irounds up a full peck of doubloons for the fourteen I disposes of, I'mfeelin' too contentedly cunnin' to live. It's evenin' an' the moon isshinin' same as now. I jest pays six bits for my supper at the GaltHouse, an' lights a ten cent seegyar--Oh! I has the bridle off allright!--an' I'm romancin' leesurly along the street, when I encountersa party who's ridin' herd on one of these yere telescopes, the samebein' p'inted at the effulgent moon. Gents, she's shorely a giantspy-glass, that instrooment is; bigger an' longer than the smokestackof any steamboat between Looeyville an' Noo Orleans. She's swung on apa'r of shears; each stick a cl'ar ninety foot of Norway pine. As Igoes pirootin' by, this gent with the telescope pipes briskly up.
"'"Take a look at the moon?"
"'"No," I replies, wavin' him off some haughty, for that bag ofdoubloons has done puffed me up. "No, I don't take no interest in themoon."
"'As I'm comin' back, mebby it's a hour later, this astronomer is stillswingin' an' rattlin' with the queen of night. He pitches his lariatag'in an' now he fastens.
"'"You-all better take a look; they're havin' the time of their c'reersup thar."
"'"Whatever be they doin'?"
"'"Tellin' wouldn't do no good," says the savant; "it's one of themrackets a gent has to see to savey."
"'"What's the ante?" I asks, for the fires of my cur'osity begins toburn.
"'"Four bits! An' considerin' the onusual doin's goin' for'ard, it'scheaper than corn whiskey."
"'No; I don't stand dallyin' 'round, tryin' to beat this philosopherdown in his price. That ain't my style. When I'm ready to commitmyse'f to a enterprise, I butts my way in, makes good the tariff, an'no delays. Tharfore, when this gent names four bits, I onpouches the_dinero_ an' prepares to take a astronomic peek.
"'"How long do I gaze for four bits?" I asks, battin' my right eye toget it into piercin' shape.
"'"Go as far as you likes," retorts the philosopher; "thar's no limit."
"'Gents,' says the Colonel, pausin' to renoo his Valley Tan, while Danan' Texas an' even Old Man Enright hitches their cha'rs a bit nearer,the interest is that intense; 'gents, you-all should have took a squintwith me through them lenses. Which if you enjoys said privilege, youcan gamble Dan an' Texas wouldn't be camped 'round yere none tonight,exposin' their ignorance an' lettin' fly croode views concernin'astronomy. That telescope actooally brings the moon plumb intoKaintucky;--brings her within the reach of all. You could stretch toher with your hand, she's that clost.'
"'But is thar folks thar?' says Dan, who's excited by the Colonel'sdisclosures. 'Board the kyard, Colonel, an' don't hold us in suspense."
"'Folks!' returns the Colonel. 'I wishes I has two-bit pieces forevery one of 'em! The face of that orb is simply festered with folks!She teems with life; ant-hills on election day means desertion bycompar'son. Thar's thousands an' thousands of people, mobbin' aboutindiscrim'nate; I sees 'em as near an' plain as I sees Dan.'
"'An' whatever be they doin'?' asks Dan.
"'They're pullin' off a hoss race,' says the Colonel, lookin' steady inDan's eye. 'An' you hears me! I never sees sech bettin' in my life.'
"Nacherally we-all feels refreshed with these experiences of ColonelSterett's, for as Enright observes, it's by virchoo of sech casooalchunks of information that a party rounds out a eddication.
"'It ain't what a gent learns in schools,' says Enright, 'that broadenshim an' stiffens his mental grip; it's knowledge like this yere moonstory from trustworthy sources that augments him an' fills him full.Go on, Colonel, an' onload another marvel or two. You-all must shorehave witnessed a heap!'
"'Them few sparse facts touchin' the moon,' returns Colonel Sterett,'cannot be deemed wonders in any proper sense. They're merelyinterestin' details which any gent gets onto who brings science to hisaid. But usin' the word "wonders," I does once blunder upon a mir'clewhich still waits to be explained. That's a shore-enough marvel! An'to this day, all I can state is that I sees it with these yere eyes.'
"'Let her roll!' says Texas Thompson. 'That moon story prepares us foranything.'
"'Texas,' observes the Colonel, a heap severe, 'I'd hate to feel thatyour observations is the jeerin' offspring of distrust.'
"'Me distrust!' replies Texas, hasty to squar' himse'f. 'I'd as soonthink of distrustin' that Laredo divorce of my former he'pmeet! An' asthe sheriff drives off two hundred head of my cattle by way of alimony,I deems the fact of that sep'ration as fixed beyond cavil. No,Colonel, you has my fullest confidence. I'd go doubtin' the evenhandedjestice of Cherokee's faro game quicker than distrustin' you.'
"'An' I'm present to say,' returns the Colonel mighty complacent, 'thatI looks on sech assoorances as complimentary. To show which Ionhesitatin'ly reels off that eepisode to which I adverts.
"'I'm only a child; but I retains my impressions as sharp cut an' cl'aras though she happens yesterday. It's a time when one of theselegerdemain sharps pastes up his bills in our village an' lets on he'llgive a show in Liberty Hall on the comin' Saturday evenin'. An' gents,to simply read of the feats he threatens to perform would loco you!Besides, tha
r's a picture of Satan, black an' fiery an' frightful,where he's he'pin' this gifted person to foist said mir'cles upon theage. I don't exaggerate none when I asserts that the moment ourvillage gets its eye on these three-sheets it comes to a dead halt.
"'Old Squar' Alexanders is the war chief of the hamlet, an' him an' thetwo other selectmen c'llects themse'fs over their toddies an' canvasseswhether they permits this wizard to give his fiendish exhibitions inour midst. They has it pro an' con ontil the thirteenth drink, whenSquar' Alexanders who's ag'in the wizard brings the others to hisviews; an' as they staggers forth from the tavern it's the yoonanimousdecision to bar that Satan-aided show.
"'"Witches, wizards, elves, gnomes, bull-beggars, fiends, an' devils isdebarred the Bloo Grass Country," says Squar' Alexanders, speakin' forhimse'f an' his fellow selectmen, "an' they're not goin' to be allowedto hold their black an' sulphurous mass meetin's yere."
"'It comes Saturday evenin' an' the necromancer is in the tavern eatin'his supper. Shore! he looks like common folks at that! Squar'Alexanders is waitin' for him in the bar. When he shows up, carelesslypickin' his teeth, it's mebby half a hour before the show, Squar'Alexanders don't fritter away no time, but rounds up the wizard.
"'"Thar's no show which has Satan for a silent partner goin' to cutitse'f loose in this village," says Squar' Alexanders.
"'"What's this talk about Satan?" responds the wizard. "I don't saveyno more about Satan than I does about you."
"'"Look at them bills," says Squar' Alexanders, an' he p'ints to whereone is hangin' on the barroom wall. It gives a picture of the foulfiend, with pitchfork, spear-head tail an' all. "Whatever do you callthat?"
"'"That's a bluff," says the wizard. "If Kaintucky don't get tangledup with Satan ontil I imports him to her fertile shores, you cimmaronsmay regyard yourse'fs as saved."
"'"Be you-all goin' to do the sundry deeds you sets forth in theprogrammes?" asks Squar' Alexanders after a pause.
"'"Which I shorely be!" says the wizard, "an' if I falls down or failsyou can call me a ab'litionist."
"'"Then all I has to say is this," returns Squar' Alexanders; "no gentcould do them feats an' do 'em on the level. You'd have to have thehe'p of demons to pull em off. An' that brings us back to my firstannouncement; an' stranger, your show don't go."
"'At this the wizard lets on he's lost patience with Squar' Alexandersan' declares he won't discuss with him no more. Also, he gives it outthat, Satan, or no Satan, he'll begin to deal his game at eight o'clock.
"'"Very well!" rejoins Squar' Alexanders. "Since you refooses to bewarned I shall shore instruct the constable to collar you on the stepsof Liberty Hall." As he says this, Squar' Alexanders p'ints across toChet Kishler, who's the constable, where he's restin' hhnse'f in frontof Baxter's store.
"'This yere Chet is a giant an' clost onto eight foot high. It's awarm evenin', an' as the wizard glances over at Chet, he notices howthat offishul is lazily fannin' himse'f with a barn-door which he'sdone lifted off the hinges for that coolin' purpose. The wizard don'tsay nothin', but he does turn a mite pale; he sees with half a eye thatSatan himse'f would be he'pless once Chet gets his two paws on him.However, he assoomes that he's out to give the show as per schedoole.
"'It's makin' toward eight when the wizard lights a seegyar, drinksfour fingers of Willow Run, an' goes p'intin' out for Liberty Hall.Chet gets up, hangs the barn-door back on its hinges, an' sa'ntersafter. Squar' Alexanders has posted Chet as to his dooties an' hisorders is to prounce on the necromancer if he offers to enter the hall.That's how the cavalcade lines up: first, the wizard; twenty footbehind is Chet; an' twenty foot behind our constable comes the publicin a body.
"'About half way to Liberty Hall the wizard begins to show nervous an'oncertain. He keeps lookin' back at Chet; an' even in my childishsimplicity I sees that he ain't pleased with the outlook. At last heweakens an' abandons his idee of a show. Gents, as I fills my glass, Iasks you-all however now do you reckon that wizard beats a retreat?'
"Thar's no reply. Dan, Texas, an' the others, while Colonel Sterettacquires his licker, shakes their heads dumbly as showin' they gives itup.
"'Which you'd shorely never guess!' retorts the Colonel, wipin' hislips. 'Of a sudden, this wizard tugs somethin' outen his pocket thatlooks like a ball of kyarpet-rags. Holdin' one end, quick as thoughthe tosses the ball of kyarpet-rags into the air. It goes straight upontil lost to view, onwindin' itse'f in its flight because of thewizard holdin' on.
"'Gents, that ball of kyarpet-rags never does come down no-more! An'it's all done as easy as a set-lock rifle! The wizard climbs thedanglin' string of kyarpet-rags, hand over hand; then he drifts off an'up'ards ontil he don't look bigger than a bumble-bee; an' then he'slost in the gatherin' shadows of the Jooly night.
"'Squar' Alexanders, Chet, an' the village stands strainin' their eyesfor twenty minutes. But the wizard's vamosed; an' at last, when eachis convinced tharof, the grown folks led by Squar' Alexanders reepairsback into the tavern an' takes another drink.'
"'That's a mighty marvellous feat your necromancer performs, Colonel,'remarks Enright, an' the old chief is grave as becomes the Colonel'srevelations; 'he's a shore-enough wonder-worker, that wizard is!'
"But I ain't got to the wonders none as yet,' reemonstrates theColonel, who spunks up a bit peevish for him. 'An' from the frequentway wherein I'm interrupted, it don't look much like I will. Goin'sailin' away into darklin' space with that ball of enchantedkyarpet-rags,--that ain't the sooper-nacheral part at all! Shore!ondoubted it's some hard to do as a feat, but still thar's otherfeachers which from the standp'int of the marvellous overpowers it likefour kings an' a ace. That wonder is this: It's quarter to eight whenthe wizard takes his flight by means of the kyarpet-rags. Gents, ateight o'clock sharp the same evenin' he walks on the stage an' gives ashow at St. Looey, hundreds of miles away.'"