Unwanted
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By Hiranya Borah
Copyright 2016 Hiranya Borah
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Opening Remarks
In this world some persons are unwanted, some are wanted and liked. Expectations from the wanted persons are different from the unwanted persons. If a person was informed by another person that he/ she is not a wanted person by him/her, what will be his/ her reaction? He/ she will think he/ she must have some deficiencies; which other person has noticed or other person has some prior negative feedback from other sources. If you are the person who is unwanted by someone, in such a situation you have two immediate alternatives, leave the place and never show your face to the person in your life or try to convince him that you are not that bad guy or inefficient guy or man of deficiency what the other fellow is thinking about you. But for the second alternative, the other fellow must give you a chance to explain your position. But seldom we get the required chance in our lives.
Let us take the case of Kanak. When his mother conceived him, his father did not like. As a result of the initial disliking, when he was born, father did not like him and his father’s disliking for him remained throughout his father’s life, as claimed by Kanak. Kanak has actually developed a psychological problem; he thinks nobody cares for him. If I go by his versions, he was most neglected child among the children of his parent; his emotions were never respected by his father. He felt sometimes, his success in his life never made his father happy, which however, I never believe.
Another friend of mine, Narendra has a different problem, on his transfer to every new office he gets unwelcome signal from top to bottom. But every time, after six months in that office, he became an integral part of the office discussions and official works due to his hard works. In most of the cases, his immediate bosses were reluctant to release him in many occasions. Then why he is not welcome in a new office? That is a strange situation. Is it his face or something negative body language? Or some negative feed backs given to the boss by some vested interest parties? Is it because of his rural background? Is it because he is not fluent in English? Is it because he always passes on the credit to his juniors and takes all blames for any failure not like other bosses who claim all credits for all the good works and blame the juniors for every failure? He is always clueless about that. But initially always he has to bear the brunt! Is he unhappy about that? No, now he enjoys that situation. He now loves to be an unwanted person. Now he is confident that within six months he will be able to gain the confidence of his bosses.
Another friend of mine, I am deliberately not mentioning his name, claims to bear a very interesting ‘unwanted tag’. As per his claim (this part everyone may agree with him), having a small genital, every lady he had encountered so far, showed little interest in him after undressing. But after one hour or so (this part many of us may doubt his claim), each of the ladies prayed for another meeting.
Recently one intern who was allotted to my section, told me about her most respected and loved teacher. The teacher was from a rural background and therefore he has problem of ‘desi ascent’ which most of the English medium educated students ridiculed for first one or two months. Even the intern who told me the story was one of those students who ridiculed his English. But after one or two months, each of the students realized his caliber and started respecting him.
If you are not wanted somewhere, it need not necessarily mean that you have some shortcomings. Here is one example; you are not invited to a party, because the host does not want that all the young ladies will be after you, when he is going to foot the bill. Suppose, fortunately, or unfortunately, knowingly or unknowingly, you gate crash into the party, do you think that you will be welcomed by the host? That is not simply possible.
Therefore, if you are treated as an unwanted person in any place, any time, do not be disheartened, wait and see what happens in the long run. In this book, I shall share with you some stories how persons not welcomed were able to overcome the hurdles and became darling of the persons who originally did not want to see even his /her face.
Author
Chapter I: Sharmistha Aunty
This lady was our neighbor for few years when I was posted at Reginal office, National Statistical Survey Organization (NSSO), Guwahati. She once told her story in a very lucid way on the side line of a marriage party.
She was the third daughter of a well to do person of a small town about 200 KM from Guwahati. When she was working in a college at Guwahati as a lecturer in economics she fell in love with our neighbor uncle, Shri Biman Lahkar who was also a lecturer in the same college. Both were equally qualified and of same age. But when the question of marriage had arisen the whole hell broke loose. The reason, our Aunt was from Bengali community and our uncle was an Assamese. In those days inter caste/ inter community marriage was rare and not taken for granted.
However, after lot of persuasions the marriage took place. Naturally, Aunty was not welcome by uncle’s family members. The situations continued for almost two years. In the meantime, the younger brother, as an obedient son married to a girl arranged by his parent. Our Aunty still vividly remember the contrast in welcoming the new daughter in law by her in laws. She was welcomed like a princess. Our Aunty was hurt but did not show any displeasure in front of anyone.
Within six months of their marriage the new daughter in law started to show her real colour. She was abusive to the elders and to her husband. After one year of their marriage, the younger son and his family made an exit from their parental home for ever.
The unwanted daughter in law remained with her parent in law till their death. For other family members and relatives also, she became the most sought after, daughter in law, sister in law and aunty and so on.
So life is like that!!!!!
Chapter II: Hopeless Son in law
My friend Kartik has a similar story to tell. Kartik is a senior officer in a PSU bank. He hails from a village and from a modest economic background. He married a girl from a reputed family from Guwahati. Before marriage the girl’s family was very polite and eager to solemnize the marriage. But once the marriage ceremony was over, almost all of the in laws went on to make Kartik realize that he did not belong to their class. They never lose a chance to demean Kartik about his modest economic background or his rural background. His every good habit was attached to his modest background or rural background. For example, his culinary skill was not praised but is described as a fall out of poor economic background. His command in Assamese language was seen as a bi-product of his rural background. His honesty is always termed as cowardliness!
Time passed. The second daughter was married to a high class person with good economic background and from an urban background. The convent educated second son in law was welcomed to their family like a prince. The relatives of his wife who excused themselves to go to Kartik’s village to drop his wife after marriage, were bee lining to drop the younger one at her new home. Kartik took all the pain to arrange the marriage of his sister in law, though she never showed any respect for him.
After few months of their marriage, it was found that Kartik’s brother in law is an extremely hot headed person, occasional wife beater and extremely arrogant. The family of his wife who was disrespectful to Kartik, slowly realized that the rugged and honest Kartik is far better than the sophisticated urban son in law. After many years of his marriage, he got a welcome hug from the in laws without any reservation.
This may
not be one off case. There may be many! To get the welcome hug one must have patience; may be a lot of patience!!!
Chapter III: The Divorcee
Sunita had a very bad marital experience. She was physically assaulted by her husband many times during her very short married life of less than a year. During that period, she was forced to abort her pregnancy after prenatal tests against her will and against the law of the land. As two of her younger sisters were to be married, her family always advised her to adjust with the monstrous husband. However, one day she had to take a decision to leave the house of her husband, when her brother in law barged into her room with a bad intention. She was able to resist the inebriated brother in law from raping her. But she realized the brother in law barged into her room with full knowledge of other family members including her husband.
When on the next morning, without telling anybody she reached her home, her parent did not welcome her. She was treated her as an ‘unwelcome’ guest. She was persuaded to go to her in laws’ house for the sake family prestige and for the sake of her unmarried sisters. But she was adamant in her decision of not going to the hell once again. Finally, the youngest sister supported her decision.
Sunita who left her studies at middle level decided to study further and inspired her sisters to go for further study. But it was not an easy decision to be implemented considering their rural background and social pressure on the parent to marry away the daughters. But due to dogmatic approach by Sunita and her youngest sister, Amrita the parent had to agree to allow all the three sisters to go for higher study. During this period, all the relatives boycotted Sunita like a pariah.
Financially, Sunita’s family was not very weak. Sunita’s divorce and her parent’s decision to allow their three daughters to go for higher studies did not go well to their relatives’ heads. They did not want Sunita and her sisters should go for higher studies. They wanted, they should be married at early age so that the land property could be grabbed by the cousins as Sunta’s parent do not have a son to inherit land property which, though not as per law, as per convention in many parts of the interior rural India, would have gone to the cousins. Initially they thought the grabbing of land would be delayed, but once Sunita started her studies in law after her graduation, they felt that they might be losing the chance of grabbing the land forever.
For fear of losing (though not legitimate) property made them enemy of Sunita’s family. They started all tricks to dominate the family; they put pressure through the society to stop the girls from going for higher education. However, this time Sunita’s parent also started realizing the importance of higher education and the neutral persons of the society supported Sunita’s family. Not only that, they started sending their girls for higher studies taking examples of Sunita and her sisters. In the meantime, Sunita started her professional life as an advocate at the local District court. Now, her horizon has become so large that the evil of society becomes too weak to fight her. Her cousins, mostly uneducated, seethed their teeth in vain.
Sunita’s youngest sister joined medical course after her twelfth and the sister next to her joined BA course after her twelfth. Both Sunita’s sisters completed their studies in time and they got suitable matches in due course of time. The youngest sister married to a colleague working in the same Nursing Home. The other sister was also married to a teacher of a higher secondary school. After one year she also got a job of teacher in a different school which was also located in the same place where her husband was working. After marriage of both the sisters, Sunita remained alone with her parent.
After ten years of Sunita’s divorce from her husband, she got a proposal from likeminded person in a lecturer in the local college, who was ready to marry Sunita even after knowing her past. But Sunita was reluctant to remarry again. Her parent and some of her close friends advised her to marry the suitor. Finally, she became ready to marry the boy with one condition, if the boy would be ready to stay with her in her home so that Sunita can look after her parent even after her marriage. Her family, including her married sisters, also wanted that she should be with her parent to look after her parents at their old age. The suitor also agreed to the proposal and marriage was solemnized on an auspicious day.
After ten years of struggle, Sunita became the most wanted person not only in the family but also amongst the relatives and amongst the villagers for getting a good and practical advice.
Chapter IV: Disastrous First Night
Morning shows the day. However, this proverb is not always true.
Amar, one of my friends who married to Shilpa twenty-five years ago, had a horrific first night after their marriage.
Both of them were waiting for that night eagerly. But when the night came, Amar was over powered by an unknown fear. He remembered his peers who mocked about his masculinity!
Shilpa was waiting for some initiative from her husband. But her husband was sweating in the month of October like walking under the sun of humid July. He was trembling!
Shilpa also started feeling the heat of an unknown fear. Both could not sleep whole night without any action. The night appeared to be a very long one.
The same situation prevailed for another few days. None could initiate a discussion on the matter. They could not divulge the secret of four walls. After one week, Shilpa went to her mother’s place. When Amar went Shilpa’s home, he was not welcome. She was in no mood to come with Amar. Amar returned home with a heavy heart.
Due to my outspoken attitude many fear to discuss personal things to me. However, Amar talked to me about his problem and his first night’s experience in detail.
Their marriage was an arranged marriage, therefore they were not well acquainted each other and they did not know the likes and dislikes of each other.
I on the request of Amar and his family visited Shilpa. Naturally, I was also not welcomed in their house. They even did not offer a seat to me. But as a shameless man, I pulled a chair and sat and told, ‘I am not only friend of Amar, but also of Prabin (Shilpa’s cousin). Due to that relation, Shilpa is like my sister. I am well wisher of both Amar and Shilpa, so let me talk with Shilpa.’
Hearing that I am friend of Prabin, they allowed me to talk with Shilpa. When Shilpa sat with me I started my pep talk.
‘Amar told me what happened between you and Amar on the first night. It was a simple psychological problem which you could have solved through dialogues. Instead, both of you decided not to discuss. Problem increased. But in my opinion it is still not all over!’
‘But we heard from some sources he is impotent, even some says he is not a man.’ She said shyly.
‘That is rubbish. I am his friend from my childhood. He is a complete man as I am. But you must realize one fact of life, everyone cannot be six feet tall or every girl cannot be as beautiful as Marilyn Monroe. But all most all the males and females get married and produce children. Then, what is that? That is adjustment. Adjustments come through dialogues. If he fails to make a dialogue with, you should start. If he fails to take proper initiative, you should have encouraged him to take initiative.’
At this Shilpa’s mother came. ‘We want annulment of the marriage. How a woman can live with a person who is not capable to do anything.’
‘He has no physical problem! We used to swim naked when we were young! Tomorrow if annulment is granted and if he gets married with another girl, at least I am sure, with little bit of encouragement he will be able to live a happy married life. In that case, your daughter will suffer. You will also agree with me, with a decent job, he will not face any problem in getting another girl for his marriage.’ I tried to convince her mother.
Her father also joined our discussion by the time, ‘You are right my son, I also tried to make these two ladies to understand that hurry gives worry only. So tell your friend take her home and keep her for some time and then see what happens.’
‘I know Amar from my childhood and I can say in many sense he is far better than I. He will do e
verything to make Shilpa happy.’ I concluded.
Shilpa’s family loosened their position and agreed to send their daughter. But I feared they might tighten their position once I leave their home. I did not want to take any chance.
‘Sooner is better! Let Shilpa come with me. I shall drop her at Amar’s place.’
‘How she can go so quickly. You go, we shall send her afterwards!’ Her mother told.
‘Uncle, do you agree with me, every minute is important in our life. If do not do good things immediately, always bad things and bad thought prevail.’ I was trying to convince uncle as he appeared to be on my side.
He was convinced with my argument and he ordered his daughter to accompany me to Amar’s house.
‘I am sending my daughter with you considering you as my own son. Her interest you have to keep in your mind along with your friend’s interest.’ The old man told me with a voice of fair degree of suspicion.
From that day onwards, Shilpa became a sister to me. I dropped Shilpa at Amar’s place after three hours.
After that I visited Shilpa’s home many times. Every time I visit their home, Shilpa’s mother embraces me like her own son. Same happens in Amar’s family. But remember, both Amar and I were unwanted in Shilpa’s home till I was able to make a dialogue with them.
Chapter V: Final Conclusion
Finally, I want to share my own experiences of being unwanted in many places. I, being from a modest background, hailing from a backward rural part of India, am quite often unwanted in different forum. Sometimes, I was able to convince the other party that I am not that inefficient or bad guy and sometimes I fail to convince. Sometimes I was given a chance to prove otherwise and sometimes I was not given a mere chance. Sometime I felt depressed, sometimes I was able to ignore. Sometimes I feel happy when the person who had once rejected me for even an audience once, came to me for a help. I normally helped those persons thinking I might have also done wrong to someone knowingly or unknowingly in my life and God has given me a chance to dilute my sin of hurting someone. I always try to forgive the persons who hurt my sentiments though I must say, I am not always successful. Sometimes I feel pity for those who made me feel unwanted in their domain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!