Chapter 14
A Moment of Happiness
I awoke that next morning with a feeling in my chest that bordered on genuine happiness. I stared at my ceiling and absorbed every detail of the dream I'd just had: the way Lillian's hair caught the sparkling light of the disco ball, the way the silky dress she wore clung to her body when we danced, the way her lips repeated over and over that she loved me too.
We'd finally said it. We'd finally moved past that last barrier between us and exposed our hearts to each other. It was no great surprise, but we hadn't been able to make that leap in real life. Being able to do it at all, even in a fantasy world, gave me a nearly euphoric feeling.
I stretched out my muscles while a long grin spread on my face. The dream had lasted much longer than most dreams I'd had of late. It was like neither one of us had wanted to let go of that peaceful moment. We'd recreated the last dance we'd been to when she'd been alive, minus the swarm of people. It had just been Lillian and me on the dance floor and every song had been a slow one. Her arms had wrapped around my neck and mine had cinched tight around her waist. I'd told her nonstop that I loved her, that I needed her, and she'd run her fingers through the back of my hair and kissed me repeatedly.
I closed my eyes, remembering the feel of those lips on mine. I didn't care what Mrs. Ryans said - it was real. As real as lying awake in my bed, as real as plodding through school, and as real as hanging out with Sawyer.
I opened my eyes and sighed. Sawyer. While our relationship had coalesced back to normalcy by the end of the day yesterday, I couldn't help but think that we were on the edge of something. That, if I let that happen again, I'd push her to the point where there was no saving our friendship. She'd been unbelievably patient with me up until this point, but I could see the strain of my mixed signals getting to her.
I couldn't imagine being in her position; liking someone who seemingly flirted and acted like they liked you back, only to have them push you away from any real intimacy. But, we couldn't be like that. . . even if I did share her feelings, which I wasn't sure if I did or not. I mean, how can I be head over heels in love with Lillian and have my heart ache for Sawyer? I couldn't. I didn't. What I felt for Sawyer was immense comfort and limitless friendship - my body wanted to translate that into a physical relationship because I was a seventeen year old virgin. That made more sense.
I got out of bed and ran a hand down my face. I wouldn't take it there again though. I'd be the friend Sawyer deserved and keep my physical distance. I'd return us to a more normal guy/girl relationship of at least a foot apart at all times. Then my hormones would be kept in check and she wouldn't get hurt anymore. I could at least do that for her.
And for Lillian.
I made my way to the bathroom to shower and shave, all the while thinking of Lillian again. I'd hurt her. She may have tried to stoically brush it off as 'that's real life and you should embrace it', but I could see it in the slight tremor of her lip and the few tears she'd let slide down her cheek. I'd abandoned her, betrayed her and she'd been devastated. I'd never do that again. I'd never bring her pain again. I'd never let her go. . . we were going to be together forever.
As I sat down for my coffee with Mom, a smile was still with me and she delighted in seeing it. She commentated on it and I only told her things were fine. I didn't want to tell her that Lillian and I had finally moved up in our romance. She'd tell me that was impossible and I needed help. . . etc, etc, etc. I didn't want to hear it. I felt good today and I was going to keep that feeling, even if that meant being vague or even outright lying to people.
Sawyer surprised both my mom and me by arriving a few minutes early and coming inside. Mom stood up and gave her the chair she'd been sitting in, then poured her a fresh cup of coffee. Sawyer politely thanked her, twisting the ring on her thumb, and my mom leaned back on the counter, beaming at the two of us.
Mom believed Sawyer was making me happy and wanted to foster that, wanted us to be together, or maybe she thought we already were. To a casual observer it did look that way, especially with her still wearing my jacket. But we weren't, and even though she did make me happy, happier than any living person, she wasn't the one making me smile softly into my coffee cup.
"You seem. . . better today," she said quietly, once we were finally driving to school.
I grinned and flicked her disco ball hanging off her rear view mirror. It caught the early morning rays and threw tiny dots of lights across her dashboard. It reminded me of my dream so firmly that I let out a contented sigh and leaned back in my seat.
"Do I?" Even I could hear the bounce in my voice and I laughed lightly as I stared off into the window. "I guess I just had a good night. "
"Oh. " Her voice was genuinely surprised and I looked back at her. She met my eye and scrunched her brows. "That surprises me. Usually when you have a bad session, it takes you a couple days to get. . . well, to smile again, honestly. " She shrugged, her concerned look not leaving her.
I sighed as I thought back over talking with Mrs. Ryans yesterday. I'd messed up. I'd said way too much and broken a wall I hadn't meant to break. I was hastily trying to repair that wall now; plastering the fragments before it completely fell apart on me. She knew I dreamed of Lillian. She knew I considered that a real relationship. She'd surely assign me medication now. . . but that didn't mean I had to take it. I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. Well, besides go in the first place.
I shrugged and told Sawyer the one thing we'd discussed that I could share. "She surprised me more than anything. She wants me to go to that stupid winter dance. " I shook my head. "I haven't been to a dance since. . . " I bit my lip and looked back out the window. "It just took me back that she'd ask me to take you to something like that. "
"She wants you to take me. . . to a dance?"
I spun my head back around to her at the incredulity in her voice. She was studying the road. Her hair was pulled back into a neat and orderly ponytail, giving me a perfect view of her expression. She was trying to keep her face neutral, but I'd studied her features long enough to know when she was excited. Her eyes flicked along the road, probably not even seeing it and a merry glow seemed to spark in the grayness. The very edges of her lips were curled up in a slight smile and her hands had tightened on the wheel.
Oh god, she wants to go. I'd never imagined that possibility. Not that I'd imagined going at all, but still, I'd pictured Sawyer being as resistant to the very idea of it as me.
"Do you. . . would you want to go?" I whispered, praying she said no. . . and meant it.
She bit her lip, her eyes sparkling even more as she sat up straighter in her seat. "I didn't get. . . I missed. . . " She stumbled around for words before finally shaking her head and sighing. "Yeah, I've always. . . " She bit her lip again and a light flush ran along her cheeks. She giggled nervously and simply said, "Yeah. "
She flicked a quick glance at me, noticed the look on my face, that must have been somewhere between humor and horror, and frowned. "But you don't want to. . . " Her eyes went back to the main road. "No, of course you don't want that. That was something you shared with. . . " She shook her head. "Oh, that's why you were upset. . . "
I fixed my face and started to say something, but she cut me off. "I'm sorry. . . of course you don't want to go. That was stupid of me to think that you might. . . "
Her face flushed deeper and she fixed her eyes straight ahead. My thoughts stuttered and no coherent words came out of me. I shut my mouth and looked out the window as we made the final turn into the school parking lot. I'd never imagined that conversation playing out this way. I thought I'd tell her crazy Mrs. Ryans plans and she'd laugh it off with me, agreeing that the woman was loony. I'd never considered that Sawyer would actually want to go with me.
I watched her worry her lip as she parked the car. Of course. . . she was a girl. As different as she seemed from other girls, as mature and pragmatic as she could
seem sometimes, she was still a girl. And I knew from a year of being with Lillian, that girls liked dances. They liked getting decked out to the nines in slinky dresses and professionally done up-dos. They liked the loud music and cheesy balloon arches and getting posed photographs taken. They liked seeing their men dress nice and act more gentlemanly than teenage boys generally did, bringing them flowers and taking them out to a nice dinner. They liked standing close and pressing their bodies right up against their men, nearly promising more intimate acts later, if they were taken care of in the right way.
I sighed as she shut the car off. If I did this for her, asked her to go, that last part might be a problem. Not that I would let anything happen between us. . . again, but it would violate my new "foot apart" rule if we slow danced all night. I looked back to her as she started to open her door. I suppose I could put that rule on hold, for one night.
"Sawyer," I said, stopping her from finishing cracking open her escape route. She looked back at me, a faint redness still along her cheeks. "Would you like to go to the dance with me?"
Her flush deepened and she let out a nervous laugh. I kept my face steady and even, so she'd know that I was serious, that I was seriously asking her. Her eyebrows rose as she took in my face. "Are you being serious?" Her voice matched her eyes.
I nodded and let a smile creep into my lips. "Yes. "
Her eyes narrowed and her brow scrunched together as she twisted in her seat to face me, her escape route momentarily forgotten. "You didn't seem like you wanted to go. . . why?"
I shrugged. "Honestly, I don't. " Her face darkened and I quickly added, "But you do. . . and after everything. . . "
My words drifted off as I looked over her softening face. The early light of morning backlit her dark hair and her face glowed at me like an angel. I swallowed as I looked over her features, resisting the urge to cup that porcelain cheek. Keeping a distance with her might be harder than I first thought. She tilted her head as she watched whatever emotion was sliding across my features. I swallowed again and looked down, pushing back the odd feeling that had started to build in me.
"After everything you've put up with from me, I could at least put up with this. . . " I looked up and met her eye again, ". . . for you. "
She swallowed as she searched my face. I made myself calmly watch her, unblinking, unworried about the delightful tension building in the car. She locked her gaze to mine, leaning forward slightly. My eyes flicked down to her lips before I caught myself and forcefully looked back up at her eyes. Her hand raised and she brushed some hair off my forehead. I wanted to lean into her touch and made myself not react. I also made myself not pull away either. She didn't know about my new rule. She didn't realize she was breaking it. I couldn't just initiate something like that without warning her first.
When I didn't react or touch her back, she pulled her hand away and set it in her lap. "Okay," she said slowly. "I'd love to go with you. "
She grinned and then turned to open her door. The tension left the car with her and I stayed in my seat a moment, wondering how so much had changed so fast. Wasn't I dead set against going just yesterday?
She stood outside her car waiting for me, delight clear in her eyes, and shaking my head, I opened my door and joined her. She held her hand out for me and stepped within the one foot radius I'd mentally set as a "do not enter" zone. I didn't take her hand and stepped back. She cocked her head at me and I sighed, knowing I'd have to talk about this with her sooner or later, and sooner was probably a better idea.
She started to take a step towards me and I put my hands out to stop her. She shook her head at my gesture, confusion, and maybe a bit of hurt, clear in her eyes.
"I've been thinking," I started, glancing around to see if any students were this far back in the lot with us. A few were and were watching, but I needed to do this, for her sake. I swallowed and continued, "I. . . don't want to hurt you any more than I know I have. " She looked about to argue and I held my hands up higher. "No, I know you think you were as much to blame as me for what happened the other night, but the truth is. . . "
I paused, wondering what to tell her. I'd opened this conversation up without thinking about how I could explain keeping her away from me, without hurting her even more. She'd made every appearance that she liked touching me, liked being close. If I suddenly shoved her back and told her I didn't want her physically near me. . . well, I couldn't see how that wouldn't hurt her. Unless. . . unless I played the one card every guy my age has. God, I hated to play it. I wasn't a Neanderthal. . . I did have control. Usually.
I half smiled and shrugged. "I'm just a guy. You're a really pretty girl and when you're around me, my body reacts to. . . " My cheeks heated, but I made myself say it, "I've never had sex with anyone and I really want to. . . and when you're touching me all the time, I forget that we're only friends and all I can think about is that you have breasts and that I'd like to. . . " I swallowed, wanting to crawl back in the car. "I'm sorry. I can only control myself so much. I think we should keep some distance between us from now on. "
Oh, god. I wanted. . . to die.
Her face dropped in shock so many times while I was speaking that it was nearly comical. She sputtered on what to comment on first. "Distance? From me? You like my. . . ? You want to. . . ? Wait, you're a. . . virgin?" She shook her head in disbelief as I closed my eyes, wanting to skip forward to the part where this was just a fact between us, and we never talked about it. . . ever again. "You. . . you think I'm pretty?"
I opened my eyes at that and smiled at the awe on her face as she took that in. Only meaning to tell her that of course she was pretty, I found myself whispering, "I think you're beautiful. " My voice came out nearly reverent and I mentally slapped myself. God, I might as well shove my tongue down her throat. It would be just as misleading. A warmth settled in me at that thought and I shook my head to break it.
Her eyes had moistened and her mouth dropped open again. Sighing at how my morning was not going as seamlessly as I'd imagined (maybe Sawyer and I had crossed that line of friendship too many times already . . . ), I shoved my hands firmly in my pockets and motioned with my head to the main building. "We're going to be late," I muttered and immediately started walking.
She fell into step beside me, and with her gaze never leaving mine for more than a few seconds, we made our way to class. On the way there, I noticed things I hadn't seen before - signs for the upcoming winter dance were everywhere. Handmade posters were taped up every few feet down the hall, a large banner hung over the window on the staircase and eight by ten notices were plastered on every classroom door, urging students to buy tickets to the last dance of this year. Now that I'd agreed to go, I couldn't seem to escape it. Interesting how I'd blocked all this out before.
Sawyer kept her distance from me but bounded to her seat with a grin on her face. I had no idea what was going on in her head. Was it really just about getting dressed up and having fun together, or was she imagining having her arms around my neck all night. I flushed as I thought about how close she'd be and for how long. I wondered if maybe I should talk to Lil, to reassure her that nothing was going to happen. I was just being a good friend and making my counselor happy. But, knowing Lillian, she would tearfully smile and tell me that I should let something happen, that I should be with Sawyer and not her, or something equally ridiculous. It didn't seem like she was going to break things off with me, but she was sure insistent for me to break things off with her. Like I'd ever do that.
I carefully walked past Will on the way to my seat. When I looked up at him though, he was busy in a conversation with Randy and didn't even notice me. Randy glanced up at me and then hurriedly shifted back to his almost intense sounding conversation with Will. They seemed to be arguing about the last football game.
The season had ended before Thanksgiving break and our team. . . hadn't done well. I'd run into Coach in the hallway after the final defeat and he'd actuall
y scowled at me. Like the fact that Will tended to drop the ball, and the other team took advantage of that and scored a lot, was somehow my fault. He'd muttered that I'd probably let him down for baseball too and then stormed off down the hall. I hadn't seen him since, but got the feeling that when spring rolled around, he'd be all over me to try out. I had no plans to.
Sawyer had filled me in on bits and pieces of the football games, since she went to most of them. It had surprised me at first when she'd admitted that she did. . . I hadn't gone to a single one. She'd said that she went with the Safe and Sound club, and that a bunch of them from the club went to every game, trying to dissuade the ranks from the debauchery of post-game partying. Games were Friday nights and before that fateful Thanksgiving dinner, we'd generally parted ways Friday afternoon until Monday morning. It had never occurred to me that she'd go to the games without me. She'd said she wouldn't if her parents didn't insist on it. Apparently they wanted her to reconnect with the community as well.
She laughingly had told me about how awful things had gone. I think she'd been attempting to cheer me up, let me know I was missed. And in a microscopic way, it had. A small part of me enjoyed the fact that my absence was noticed in some small way. At least to Coach, if not the rest of the team. For the rest of them. . . well, I think they'd rather take the loss than have me play with them. And Will had been especially stormy around me when the loss after loss had started being attributed to him. He'd started acting like my being a better player was a character flaw that needed to be humiliated out of me. As I sat down, I was eternally grateful that he and Randy's conversation had kept him out of my hair, for one morning at least.
Sawyer had an adorable grin on her throughout the entire class. She seemed to find my multiple mortifying revelations endearing. I still felt flushed with embarrassment. I really hadn't wanted to say any of that, especially the being a virgin part, but I couldn't tell her the real reason why I needed space and it seemed as good of an excuse as any. Maybe if I hadn't added that last part about her being beautiful, she wouldn't look so thrilled.
We worked on our reports for the books we were supposed to have finished yesterday and she gave me small, knowing smiles every few minutes. I couldn't help but grin back at her, but I did wonder if any of my admissions had been for the best.
I walked her to the front doors after class and as we separated she leaned into me, but never actually touched me. With a laugh she jokingly stated that she was headed off to her workout, huffing over to the Science building for one class, only to turn back around afterwards and head right back up to the second floor. I laughed with her and wished her luck in her Chem. test.
When I saw her again she was huffing and getting her breath back, but her face was still excited, darn near elated. I mentally sighed, but returned her beaming smile for her benefit. She'd been running later than usual and just made it in the door when the bell rang. When I asked her what she'd been doing, she shyly admitted that she'd been talking to Sally Hoffen, the Safe and Sound club president, about the dance. They'd been going over hair styles and dress ideas. She was telling me she was concerned about how she'd afford a nice enough dress when I interrupted her.
"You told Sally that we're going together?" I hadn't meant for my tone to be rough, but in my surprise it kind of came out that way. I rarely talked to anyone besides Sawyer, so it always kind of threw me for a loop that she kept up conversations with other people besides me. Again, I can be a little self absorbed.
Her happy face fell as she looked over mine. I instantly felt bad for bursting her excited bubble and tried to apologize when Mr. Varner slammed his hand down on my desk. I jumped about a foot and turned to stare up at him with wide eyes.
"Mr. West, Miss Smith. . . do I need to separate you two lovebirds?" His eyes narrowed as he flicked his gaze between the both of us. He ran a hand through his hair and among the giggles running through the classroom, I heard someone dreamily sigh.
"No," I muttered, slinking back in my chair.
He crossed his arms over his chest, and even though I wished this were a dream and I could whisk him away, he remained standing imposingly in front of my desk. "What were you talking about anyway?" His eyes flicked around to the students listening intently and my face heated. "I've always wondered what's so vital that students choose to tune me out. " His hands made a go ahead gesture and he sat on the edge of the desk in front of mine, the girl there nearly swooning out of her seat. "So, go ahead. . . we're all ears. "
Sawyer flushed bright red and bit her lip, while I shook my head. No way was I fessing up to him, I'd rather have detention. Unfortunately, the girl with Mr. Varner's rump on her desk decided to be teacher's pet. I could only imagine what favors she thought she was winning. "They were talking about going to the dance together, Mr. Varner," she said brightly.
He smiled at her and then looked back to us with a tilted head. "A dance. . . how touching. " He stood from her desk, making her sigh, and stepped up to mine, leaning over the edge. "I'll be going to that little dance as well, Mr. West. " His eyes flicked down me a little contemptuously. "And if you so much as whiff of alcohol. . . you're gone. "
My eyes narrowed and I felt myself starting to stand. I wanted to smack that smug look off his face, and with the surge of embarrassment and anger running through me, I thought I could do it. When I was in a half crouch, I felt a hand on my arm and looked over at Sawyer, who was shaking her head at me emphatically.
Mr. Varner smirked and stood up straight. He raised two fingers at me. "Two strikes, Lucas. "
I clenched my hands into fists and made myself stay seated and quiet while he sauntered back to the front of the room. The students around me started giggling and whispering, and I knew the rumor mill had just ground out a new story. Maybe in this one I'd actually slug the bastard.
I was still steaming about the incident with Mr. Varner when Sawyer and I were huddled around her locker later. I kept my back to the lockers and didn't look at them. This morning had started out so well, but it was steadily spiraling downward. I tried to let the heat slide off of me as I rested my head back on the cool metal. I looked over when Sawyer slammed her locker shut.
"He's such an ass! I don't get what girls see in him. " She looked at me pointedly. "Does a chiseled face really make up for poor social skills now?"
I grinned at her peevishness, feeling my own die down. "Chiseled?" I teased.
She returned my grin and then frowned a little. "Are you mad that I told Sally?"
She bit her lip and leaned against her locker. I watched her shoulder compress against the locker that should have been my girlfriend's and sighed. I wished Lil was here. I wished I was asleep and could see her. I startled out of my odd desire and shifted my focus back to Sawyer.
I shook my head at her. "No, it just surprised me, that's all. " She tilted her head and I sighed again and shrugged. "Sometimes I forget that you have a life without me. "
She smiled and started to reach out for me, but then stopped herself. I was glad she had, but found myself with an actual ache at the loss. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought. "I don't have much of a life, if it makes you feel better. "
With a grin she started walking down the hall towards Math and I fell into step with her. She looked over at me with a seriousness on her face that I knew pretty well. She was about to say something beyond her years. "You could have it too, you know. "
I scrunched my brow, confused. "Huh?"
She lightly shook her head. "Have a life. Have other friends. "
Ice flashed through me, but I threw on a smile. "Why would I want other friends, when I'm perfectly content with you?" I shifted my grin to a crooked one and bit back what I was really feeling. No one in this school wanted a friendship with me. No one but Sawyer. She was all I had here. Really, she was all I had awake.
Sawyer seemed to hear my silent words as we walked among the crowds that I felt watching and whisperi
ng about us. My upcoming appearance at a school function would be well known by the end of the day. "I know I've mentioned this before, Luc, but not everyone here is against you. "
I scoffed at that, not meaning to sound angry and bitter, but clearly hearing it in my own voice anyway. "Right, nothing but warm fuzzies here. " I looked around the groups as we walked by. At the people I'd known since practically Kindergarten. I don't know what Sawyer saw, but all I saw were heads bent together in gossip, and I was tired of being gossiped about.
Sawyer sighed. "Well, there's Randy, and that's just one instance. "
I stopped in the hallway as her casual remark settled in my system. Was she joking? She looked around when she felt that I wasn't beside her anymore and then looked back at me, her eyebrows raised. I stood a couple paces behind her, my mouth dropped open in what could only resemble a mentally impaired person. "Randy?" I said, incredulously while I heard the kids lining the hall quiet. "Are you serious? You know what Josh had him do to me. You think he wants to be pals?"
My tone was getting louder and louder as I spoke and Sawyer glanced around the hallway before stepping close to me, well within my one foot zone. I was so irritated that I didn't care though. Quietly, she whispered, "Yes, Lucas, Randy. If you'd pay a little closer attention, you'd see that he feels really bad about drugging you. " I started to pull away, but she grabbed my arm, dragging me closer. "Josh tricked him into doing it. Randy told me that Josh told him it was a liquid laxative. Randy didn't know what would happen. He just wanted you to suffer a little bit. He didn't know you'd get suspended. "
I jerked away from her arm, pulling apart. I was sure it looked like we were having a lover's spat, but regardless of my actions, Sawyer wasn't the one I was angry with. No, I was mad at everyone else -all of them, all of my harassers, all of the whisperers and all of the lookey-lous. "When did you. . . " I shook my head, not really caring when she'd had this heart-to-heart with one of my tormentors. "Well, that's so much better. I'm glad he only wanted to send me to the John for a few hours. " I threw my hands up as my voice got loud again. "God, what a relief, Sawyer!"
Her face flushed and with an irritated shake of her head, she stormed off down the hall. Closing my eyes and cursing my dramatics, I hurried after her. Everyone watched us leave. I grabbed her elbow right as she slipped into the door. She looked down at where we were touching and then up to my face. Red blotches were still along her cheeks and I sighed, hating that I'd hurt her. Ignoring every person in the classroom, ignoring the teacher writing on the white board, ignoring my own desire to keep a distance between us - ignoring it all, I pulled her into a tight hug.
"I'm sorry. I'm an ass, I'm sorry," I whispered into her hair.
She nodded against my chest and returned my tight embrace. I sighed as I kept my eyes closed. Here I was, just a few hours after telling her that I needed physical space, holding her tight, like I was afraid she'd vanish if I didn't, while every eye around us watched. I was trying to avoid misleading her and I was trying to avoid more gossip about us. . . and I was failing miserably. A giggling titter filled the room and I finally broke apart from her, feeling my cheeks heat. Her face was flushed as well as she looked around the semi-filled room and awkwardly adjusted her bag on her shoulder.
I motioned to our seats and we gratefully sat down. A few eyes followed us back there before turning into each other, the whispering starting again. I got out my book and flipped through the pages, not seeing any of them. I heard Sawyer beside me do the same and snuck a glance at her. She was staring at her desk, but met my gaze when she felt my eyes.
'I'm sorry,' I mouthed again and she nodded.
The bell rang, the teacher turned from where she'd been writing equations on the board and everything fell back into normalcy. Well, as normal as things ever got for me. I thought about Sawyer's comments during class. I ignored my over-reaction to them and really focused on what she'd been saying. I couldn't believe it. I didn't see how anyone in this school would want anything to do with me. It wasn't like anyone ever approached me, other than to ask me questions I'd answered so many times, I was sick of it. I'd stopped even answering them awhile ago. And Randy. . . that one was definitely off. No way was he looking to be my friend. No frickin' way.
Things got back to normal between us during lunch in her car. We lay back in her seats and ate our sandwiches and she commented that her dad had finally gotten a job with the logging company, so things were looking up for her family. She happily bit into her very own PB&J when she said that. I blinked at her in surprise when she did. I hadn't realized her dad was out of work. I knew things were tough for them, but never really knew why, and had never asked.
"That's great, Sawyer. I didn't realize he was looking. " I grabbed a corner off my own ham and cheese sandwich and curled it into a ball before eating it.
She watched my habit before responding. "Yeah. He and Mom both quit their jobs when we moved out here. They've both been looking, but times are tough. . . " She shrugged and looked really guilty. I wondered why, until I remembered that her parents had dropped everything and moved out to the middle of nowhere (from Portland she'd told me once) because of her.
"Do you want to talk about what happened, Sawyer?" I said quietly while she spaced out, gazing over my shoulder.
She brought her eyes back to me and shook her head a little, snapping out of her mini-trance. "No. " She smiled and her face got animated again. "I want to talk about the dance. " She was grinning ear to ear and I couldn't help but grin with her. She was so excited about this stupid dance.
I rolled my eyes, but then laughed and we started going over the details. The dance was the last Friday night before the school broke for the holidays. It was a winter wonderland theme, of course, and both guys and girls were expected to wear nice dress clothes. Sawyer was a little anxious about that, not being able to afford anything even remotely nice yet, even though her dad was now employed. I told her my mom had a couple of nice party dresses that would probably fit her if she wanted to wear one. She looked at me oddly and said she'd have to look at them first. Then she smiled brightly and started going on about corsages.
We were talking about having dinner at my place to save on cash (she made me promise that we wouldn't be having my Hot Pocket standard), as we walked to our next classes. I shook my head at her as we parted ways. For someone who seemed almost anti-social at times, she sure was digging this.
As I walked to Science, I was surprisingly grateful to Mrs. Ryans for even bringing up the idea. Maybe it would be good to get out in the real world. As I opened the door to Astronomy, I reconsidered.
Josh was glaring at me and I quickly ducked my head and broke eye contact. We hadn't had any confrontations in awhile and I was trying to keep it that way. I heard his laughter and resisted the urge to look as I sat down.
Keeping my eyes straight ahead, I started daydreaming about Lillian to distract myself; I couldn't wait to see her tonight. I was in the middle of reimagining slow dancing with her in my dream, my fingers low on her waist, hers running through the back of my hair, when a wadded up piece of paper smacked me in the side of the head. Irritated, I looked over before I could stop myself.
Josh was laughing, sneering cruelly while Randy held down his arm, stopping him from chucking another piece. Brushing it off, I exhaled slowly and stared straight ahead, again.
"Hey, Luc," I heard Josh say from the other side of the room. "Heard your date to the dance went off on you. " I closed my eyes and focused on my breath, focused on not reacting. It hadn't taken very long for that tiny spat to twist into high school dramatics. Josh, apparently enjoying my attempt at non-reaction, continued, "Hear she only agreed to go in the first place to be your designated driver. At least one of you is smart," he added.
My head twisted around as I visually drove nails into his body. That? That was the way he was going to spin our fight in the hall? I gripped the edge of my desk, my fingers digging into
the hard, wooden top, urging the flare of anger he sparked in me to die down. He started rocking with laughter at my reaction and I started shaking from the restraint. Biting my lip to not tell him to go to Hell, I made myself face front again. The laughter from his side of the room grew even louder.
Fortunately the bell rang and the teacher started class. I knew it was too late though. I knew the student body would take that pathetic gossip and run with it. By the end of the day, the very idea of me going to the dance with Sawyer would be akin to me going with a breathalyzer attached to my arm; someone to keep me in check, since I obviously couldn't do it on my own. I sighed as I listened to what had once been my favorite subject. What else could I have expected from these people? Definitely not friendship. Sawyer was so wrong about that.
As soon as I could, I darted out of that class. Even though I'd sat in the back, I got out into the fresh, chilly air before everyone else, having gotten up from my seat a second before the bell had even rung. I heard Josh snigger as I left the room, and practically speed-walking to my next class, I pictured an irate Darren beside me.
I imagined restraining him from turning around and beating the shit out of Josh. Much like the time I'd had to restrain him from wanting to go after some senior last year who had said Sammy had a fat ass. Personally, I think the guy was just upset that Sammy had turned him down, but Darren had taken it as a personal attack on his girlfriend. He'd been determined to give the guy a broken nose. . . in the middle of American History. I'd dragged him out of the room with both arms locked under his elbows as he'd yelled threats at the imbecile.
Picturing restraining hot-headed Darren from fighting helped calm the inner beast within me, and I felt more relaxed with each step away from Josh. For as much as I understood his anger, as much as I tried to ignore the hurts and insults, a part of me just wanted to kick his fucking ass! Much like Darren had done when he'd finally run into that guy at a party a few weeks later.
Using Darren's remembered temper to moderate mine, by the time I stepped through the doors into art class, I was calm again. Josh was behind me for the day and I could let him go. I was easing a smile onto my face and working on my latest project, when I felt Mrs. Solheim come up beside me. She praised me for my work and then chirpily said, "I hear you're going to the dance, Tom. That's great!"
She walked away before I could respond to that and I shook my head as I watched her, her loose pants and flowing tunic a myriad of contrasting colors that was almost dizzying to look at. How had my spacey art teacher heard that already? News traveled so fast around here.
I waited outside of art for Sawyer to get out of choir. I'd tried to go to one of their concerts once, but she'd told me she'd rather not have me there, so I hadn't ever heard her sing. She'd explained it away as her having a solo that she'd never be able to get through, if she knew I was listening. I was dying to hear her sing, especially if she was good enough for the teacher to have her sing by herself, but I'd respected her wished and stayed away. Looking back on that, I wondered if it was more keeping me away from her parents, than her nerves. Or maybe it had been a combination of the two.
I waited for awhile and frowned. She was taking a long time to get out of there. Remembering the flood of gossip that had started this day, I started to worry about her. Brittany hopped on anything she could to tease her, and I'd handed her a nice little bouquet to choose from. I started walking over to the room just as her black hair came out the door.
She immediately looked over to me and started walking my way. She walked tall and straight and didn't look behind her. I did. Brittany, and the group that usually flocked around their Queen, was just exiting the building as well. They were looking over at her and laughing. Brittany looked past Sawyer's back, to me, scowling at her. The smile fell from her lips and she glared at me. Then her lips twisted into a look that clearly said 'come get me'. I was not about to.
Ignoring her, I focused back to Sawyer as she walked up and adjusted the bag on her shoulder. "Everything. . . okay?"I asked, glancing at Brittany's retreating form, her hips swaying in a much too exaggerated way to be a natural walk. She confirmed that by looking over her shoulder at me. She muttered something to the girl beside her, which made her laugh and look at me too. When their joint laughter died down, her friend faced front while Brittany lifted a lip derisively and ran a hand down her ass seductively.
I shook my head at her odd, mixed attitude towards me and turned back to Sawyer, who was watching her as well. I was about to ask her what Brittany had done, when she interrupted me. "I can never tell if she wants to screw you. . . or kill you. " She turned back to me with furrowed brows.
I shook my head and sighed. "I know. . . I can't either. What did she say to you?"
She shook her hair out, her face relaxing as she did. "Doesn't matter. I don't know what her problem is with me, and I can't control what she does or says. . . " She exhaled and let a warm smile touch her lips. "But it's still up to me how I react to it, right?"
I smiled and shook my head. "You sound like my counselor now. "
She laughed and motioned with her head to the main building. "Well, maybe I've discovered my calling in life. "
I laughed. "Being my counselor? Do you think that would be a lifelong job?"
She giggled beside me, staring at me with adoration clear on her face. "I hope so. "
I swallowed at the look in her eye and then nervously chuckled. "Well, don't expect it to pay much. "
She laughed and shoved her hands in her pockets. For a second, I missed that I couldn't hold her hand, but it was for the best. I shouldn't be so friendly with her, if it wasn't going to go anywhere other than, well, friendship. I shoved my hands in my pockets as well, and we made our way to our next activities in a comfortable silence.