‘No, Beppo. I’m just saying – in my opinion.’
‘Well, shut your mouth. No one’s interested in your opinion, you great plank of wood. You’re not in charge of the act. I am. And I shall do as I please. And I didn’t waste all that good money on the girl just to have her do a few baby somersaults and a prance or two. She’s got natural ability. She’ll learn quickly.’
I didn’t seem to have any natural ability left. I couldn’t learn at all. I was terrified, even wearing the safety harness. The springboard propelled me upwards, but each time I panicked, unable to tuck myself into a neat ball to turn the double somersault required. I failed to land neatly on my feet. I didn’t come to too much harm as the safety harness held me upright, but it dug into me under my armpits and jarred my whole body.
I was forced to practise for hours and hours every morning, and then appear to be as fresh as a daisy for the afternoon and evening performances. I was sick one morning because I was in such a state of terror. Mister wouldn’t let me have any breakfast at all after that, so I had to train on a totally empty stomach.
‘That poor little child is exhausted,’ said Madame Adeline, coming into the big top and taking hold of me by the shoulders. ‘For shame, Beppo. Just look at her!’
‘You mind your own business, Addie,’ he growled.
‘See the circles under her eyes. She’s nothing but skin and bone. Can’t you see, Beppo, you’re killing the little goose who’ll lay you golden eggs,’ she told him.
‘Do I tell you how to train that nag of yours, Addie?’ he asked.
‘If you saw me beating my poor Midnight to death I hope you’d step in and stop me,’ said Madame Adeline. ‘Because you’d realize I was losing my mind.’
‘That’s enough, woman. I won’t have anyone talk to me like that, let alone some raddled old biddy who should have been pensioned off years ago,’ said Beppo, suddenly cuttingly cruel.
Madame Adeline flushed. ‘I believe you’re at least five years older than me, Beppo,’ she said, calmly enough. ‘And at least I am still an artiste – not reduced to clowning.’ She walked away, her head held high, but when I saw her later at the afternoon’s performance her eyes were red.
My eyes were red too – and there were ugly scarlet weals across my back because Beppo had given me the threatened royal beating at last.
HE DIDN’T BEAT me again. He didn’t need to. The fear of his stick made me quiver every time he looked at me. I strained even harder to learn springboard skills, but still failed miserably.
Mr Marvel spoke up for me too.
‘You’re wasting your time, Beppo. Try when the child is a year or two older. She hasn’t got the strength or the skill just yet. It stands to reason: she’s still only a baby. I know my little Mavis is the star of the act – she knows it too, bless her – but I don’t try to teach her too many tricks just now because it will only confuse and frustrate her. Patience, Beppo. Be thankful. Your Diamond is a little star.’
‘Hold your tongue, Monkey Man,’ Mister replied. ‘I know what I’m doing.’
I heard him discussing me with Chino, the other clown. I was hiding from him, under the wagon.
‘You know the boys’ big finale is the human column I devised. When it used to be just Marvo and Julip it didn’t look anything special. But then young Tag came along and I trained him hard, and once he joined, it became a showstopper, the three of them balancing together. And if only that maddening little fairy would take flight it would look magnificent. She’s so light, and Marvo’s steady as a rock. Imagine it, Chino, the four of them in a column. All she has to do is somersault and land on Tag’s shoulders, one simple tiny trick – and it will bring the house down. I could have posters made. She’d be like the fairy doll on top of the Christmas tree.’ Mister groaned and thumped his fist against the wagon, making it shake.
I curled up into a tight ball. I wondered about running away. It would be difficult, though, to slip off undetected. Tag always knew where I was and what I was up to, and he’d tell on me. Mister would find me and drag me back and give me another whipping.
I shivered at the thought. I wasn’t even sure where I was now. We’d travelled far away from home. If I did somehow manage to escape, it would take me many days to walk back. I had no stout boots, only the soft slippers I wore in the ring. And how would I know which way to walk? I had never learned geography. I knew there were such things as maps, but I couldn’t read enough to make sense of them.
And suppose I did manage to stumble all the way home – what would I do then? I very much doubted that Pa would take me back. My brothers had never really cared for me – and even Mary-Martha might have forgotten me. I couldn’t really call Willoughby Buildings home any more.
I fell asleep on the damp grass beneath the wagon dreaming of a real home. I’d have Madame Adeline for my mother and Mr Marvel for my father and all the monkeys for my brothers and sisters. Mavis would be my special favourite, and would cuddle up with me every night in my safe, warm bed. I would eat pink cake and violet chocolates and sweet dates every day. I might perform on a little stage to earn my keep – an easy carpet act of somersaults and handstands – but my dear parents wouldn’t hear of my attempting any springboard movements. It would be a solo act, no silver boys. Or perhaps it could be a double act with little Mavis.
It was Mavis herself who helped Mister’s dream to come true. One wet and stormy Saturday night we were all working hard pulling down the drenched big top and securing the animals when a bolt of lightning flashed right above us. Elijah trumpeted in alarm, nearly pulling free of his tether. The lions roared, the sea lions barked, Midnight and the wagon horses reared up on their hind legs, whinnying in fear.
Mr Marvel was in the process of cajoling his monkeys into their travelling cage. They were all chattering anxiously, baring their teeth.
‘Into your cage, my lovelies, and I’ll draw the curtain and then you won’t see the horrid lightning,’ he told them.
‘Come along, little Mavis, in you go,’ I said, giving her a gentle flick.
The four adult monkeys sprang into their familiar cage, cowering together in a corner, but just as baby Mavis was scrabbling in, a great boom of thunder made her squeal. She spun round and darted away, across the muddy grass, before either Mr Marvel or I could catch her.
‘Mavis! Come here, baby! Come to your papa!’ Mr Marvel called frantically – but she was already out of sight.
‘Help!’ I cried. ‘Mavis is missing! Please, everyone, try to catch her!’
It was hard because everyone was busy and the other animals were still frantic. It was pitch dark in the pouring rain, but most people came running to help all the same. Mr Marvel was crying unashamedly, hobbling backwards and forwards, calling hoarsely.
We looked amongst the cages, the wagons, the sodden folds of the great big top, but there was no sign of the little monkey.
Madame Adeline got Midnight safely into his horsebox, and then joined in the hunt, with only a shawl to protect her pink spangles. She had a chunk of her special cake in her hand. ‘It’s Mavis’s favourite. I give her a few crumbs as a special treat,’ she explained. ‘Mavis? Mavis, where are you, darling? Come and have some of Madame Addie’s lovely cake!’
My silver boys all helped to search too. Tag dashed everywhere, but even his quick eye could not spot Mavis. Mister mounted the clowns’ penny-farthing and started trundling the whole length of the field.
‘We’ll have to start moving soon or we’ll never get to Waynefleet by morning,’ shouted Mr Tanglefield.
‘I can’t leave without my baby,’ Mr Marvel wept.
‘Then you’ll have to stay here and join us later. I can’t halt the whole circus for a monkey.’
‘It’s not any monkey. It’s my Mavis!’
‘I’ll stay and help you find her, Mr Marvel,’ I said, clutching his arm.
‘You’ll do no such thing. You’re coming with us,’ said Beppo. ‘Now get in the wagon. You’re soaking wet.
We can’t have you catching your death of cold and then sneezing your head off in the ring. Do you hear me?’
I heard – but for once I didn’t obey. I didn’t even care if he beat me. I had to help Mr Marvel find Mavis. I trotted off meekly enough, but instead of jumping up the steps after Marvo, Julip and Tag, I crept off into the darkness. I called again and again for Mavis, making little clicking noises with my tongue.
‘Come here, Mavis! Come, baby, come to Diamond,’ I said, over and over again.
There was more lightning, zigzagging through the sky with a terrifying sizzle, and then loud thunderclaps. I could hear the animals panicking all around, with men running and shouting and cursing. I thought how scared little Mavis would be. She was so quick, she could have crossed the entire field by now. She might already be running amongst the carriages and cabs, in terrible danger of being trampled.
I was crying now as I ran around calling – and then I heard a wailing high above me. I looked up, the rain hitting my face, almost blinding me, but when the lightning flashed I saw a tiny creature darting about at the top of a very tall, thin tree, horribly buffeted by the wind and the rain.
‘Mavis!’ I cried.
She wailed again.
‘Oh, Mavis, come down! Come down, baby. Come right down now!’ I held out my arms, but Mavis was so scared she didn’t even seem to recognize me. She climbed even higher, and when the lightning flashed again she screamed.
‘Come down!’ I called.
If the lightning struck the tree, poor Mavis would be burned to death. It was too terrible to contemplate. If she wouldn’t come down, then I had to go up.
I’d never climbed a tree before. I was scared of heights but I didn’t even think about it. I tucked my skirts into my drawers and started up. I didn’t really know what I was doing. At the bottom there were not enough branches to cling to, but I’d watched the monkeys for many hours. I climbed the way they did, gripping with my hands and feet. My arms and legs were strong as steel after all the practice and the two performances every day. I went up and up.
‘Diamond! Oh Lord, girl! Come down – you’ll kill yourself!’
I peered down into the dark. It was Mr Marvel, calling hoarsely, beside himself. It was a huge mistake to look down. He seemed horribly far away already. I lost my rhythm, stretched up awkwardly, and slipped.
Mr Marvel gave a great wail.
I clung to the tree trunk desperately, managing to hang on by gripping with my knees, though I felt my stockings rip on either side.
‘Stay still! I’ll come and rescue you!’ Mr Marvel shouted, but he was too heavy and weighed down with sodden garments to get any kind of purchase on the tree.
‘I don’t need rescuing. I’m the rescuer. I’m rescuing Mavis,’ I cried.
I reached up and started climbing again. The tree seemed to go on for ever. I had once hand-coloured a fairy story about a boy and a beanstalk that grew up to the sky. I remembered the ogre right at the top, with a grotesque scowl and a huge warty nose that I painted deep red, like Pa’s.
But there was no ogre hovering above me, just a tiny little monkey, whimpering in terror.
‘It’s all right, Mavis – it’s Diamond. I’m coming to get you. You’ll be safe soon,’ I called.
She could hear me now, but she must have thought I wanted to hurt her because she darted along a small branch right at the top of the tree. It swayed even under her small weight. I knew I couldn’t possibly shin along it.
‘Please come back, Mavis! I can’t reach you there! Come back along the branch or you’ll fall. It’s Diamond – remember, I feed you oranges. I come and see you every day. I’m your friend. Oh, please come to me – please please please!’
Mavis clung to her tiny branch, not responding. But then there was another flash of lightning, so near this time that I felt its heat and power going right through me – and, with a squeak, Mavis ran back to the main trunk in three bounds . . . straight into my arms.
There was a cheer from below – a whole chorus of cheers. There must have been a proper audience by now, but I took care not to look down to check. I cradled Mavis close and she shivered, crying. Clinging to the tree with just one hand, I stuffed her down the front of my bodice, and then I began my precarious descent. It was much more difficult going down. I couldn’t see what I was doing or get into any rhythm. When I tried to slide, I scraped the little skin I had left on my legs.
Then I heard Mister shouting, ‘Tag’s coming to get you, little fairy!’
‘I don’t need Tag,’ I called back, and scrambled down as best I could, jumping the last few feet and landing in Mr Marvel’s arms.
He hugged me close, tears pouring down his face, while everyone cheered.
Mr Tanglefield gave me a pat on the back. ‘Well done, little ’un! Now, Marvel, keep a firm hold of that monkey, do you hear? We’re setting off immediately – even if a whole cartload of monkeys escape, we’ll just wave goodbye to them and be on our way, understand?’
Mr Marvel took little shivery Mavis from me and cradled her in his arms. ‘I’m in your debt for ever, young Diamond,’ he said croakily. ‘I don’t know what I’d have done if I’d lost my little star.’
‘Diamond’s the little star,’ said Madame Adeline, putting her arm round me. ‘But you must never do anything as reckless again – do you promise?’
‘She’ll promise no such thing!’ said Mister. ‘My, did you see her shin up that tree? Like a monkey herself, she was.’
‘Any fool can climb a tree,’ said Tag angrily. ‘Watch me do it, Beppo.’
‘You come back here, boy. We’ve had enough shenanigans for one night. But I tell you what – it’s shown me the way forward for the finale to the act. Diamond will master the springboard in time, I dare say – but meanwhile she can climb up the human column and stand on Tag’s shoulders.’
I hoped he might be joking, but of course he was deadly serious. On Sunday we were all exhausted after travelling through the night in the storm – but Mister had the four of us practising this new trick. First he had me scramble up Marvo and stand on his shoulders, and that wasn’t too hard at all. I knew that Marvo would reach up and catch me if I should sway or stumble. It was far harder when I was forced to climb up Julip too. He was less steady, and it felt so much higher balancing on his shoulders. He had his hands gripping my calves, but it still didn’t feel at all safe.
When I’d mastered this at last, Mister immediately told Tag to balance on top of Julip, and expected me to climb up all three boys in a trice. He had me on training ropes – he held one, Mr Marvel the other, so that if I fell, I wouldn’t tumble on my head. I was terribly frightened even so. Marvo was very encouraging and Julip nodded at me sympathetically, but Tag jeered at me. I didn’t trust him to hang onto me properly when I scrambled uncertainly to the top. Several times in succession I wobbled until Tag and Julip fell. They knew how to roll over and land neatly on their feet. I knew too, but panicked and forgot – and then I was brought up short with a judder on the end of the practice rope, flopping and gasping like a hooked fish on the end of a line.
But there was no backing out now. Mister was adamant. The fourfold human column must end our act. He announced we had to try it out the very next performance. I was sick with nerves – literally so. Marvo discovered me vomiting miserably into a clump of nettles at the edge of the field.
‘Don’t fret so, Diamond,’ he said, wiping my face and smoothing my tangled hair.
‘I’m going to have to do it without the practice rope, and I’m so scared I’ll fall,’ I wept.
‘You won’t fall – but if you do I shall catch you, I promise. I’ll reach out and grab you,’ said Marvo, demonstrating.
‘And then Julip and Tag will fall down.’
‘They can look after themselves – and it would do young Tag good to take a tumble. He’s been behaving abominably, the cocky little pup.’
Tag had been teasing me cruelly, telling me I was a terrible acrobat and would
spoil the whole show.
‘I think he’s right. I will spoil the whole show,’ I mumbled.
‘That’s nonsense. Tag’s just saying that because he sees how the crowds love you. His nose has been put out of joint. But he’s not a bad lad at heart. He’ll try to make it easier for you,’ said Marvo.
To my great surprise, he was right. While we were waiting to go on, and I was white and shivery, wondering whether I would vomit again, Tag suddenly seized my clammy hand.
‘You’ll do all right,’ he whispered. ‘You’re quite good at it really – not as good as me, of course, but not bad for a girl.’
But it was a Julip who was the most help.
‘I know just how you feel, Diamond,’ he said. ‘Beppo and Marvo and Tag tell you not to worry – but you will. I do, anyway. But I try and tell myself that I won’t always be here in a foolish silver costume, frightened to death. One day I’ll be too old to perform . . .’
‘Will you be a clown then, like Beppo?’
‘Never! I’ll leave the circus and find a job – any job. I’m good with animals, I’m good at fixing things, I’m strong. I’ll work and save until I have my own house – not a cramped wagon, a real little house in a village. I’ll have a garden and grow flowers and vegetables, and I’ll find a wife and we’ll have children and we’ll live in the same place for the rest of our days. I think about each little detail of my new life until it starts to feel real. I might be leaping high in the air doing a double somersault in front of gaping fools, but inside I’m in my own living room, sitting before a fire, with a cat on my lap and a dog at my feet.’
‘That’s why you wobble and fluff, you fool. You should concentrate properly,’ said Tag.
‘If I concentrate it makes it worse,’ said Julip. ‘Try my trick, Diamond. It helps.’
So I tried hard to blot out the shouts of the crowd and the rustle and roar of the animals, and imagined jumping on a giant springboard that catapulted me years into my future. Did I want my own little house like Julip? I thought of the house where we’d once lived – Ma and Pa and the boys and Mary-Martha and me. Had I been happy there as a baby? I tried to remember what it was like to sit on Ma’s lap, but she was fading in my memory now. I could only picture her pale as a ghost in her nightgown, crying sadly to herself, and it made me want to cry too.