So I turned my back on her too and started playing a rowdy push-and-shove game with Tag, wanting to show her I was having fun without her. I decided I didn’t care in the slightest if Hetty and I weren’t speaking – though I found I was still trembling.
‘Are you cold, little one?’ said Marvo, putting his big arm around me.
‘I’m fine,’ I said, trying to compose myself.
‘She’s just a little nervous,’ said Julip. ‘I know I always am.’
‘Oh, you two!’ jeered Tag. ‘I don’t know what’s up with you. You’re pathetic.’
‘I’m not the slightest bit pathetic,’ I said, and I pushed him hard.
I was trembling more than ever – and it didn’t stop when we went running into the ring.
‘Clap your hands together for the magnificent tumbling Silver Tumblers, together with little Diamond, the Acrobatic Child Wonder!’ Hetty announced, sounding so enthusiastic I wondered if we were friends again after all, but she didn’t smile at me or whisper good luck as I passed by.
I did my somersaults, forward and back, I did my flic-flacs, my cartwheels, my little prancing dance. I did not falter, I did not stumble. And then it was my turn on the springboard. Marvo and Julip and Tag had formed their human column.
I stepped onto the board, trembling more than ever. I suddenly felt terribly sick and wondered if I was going to vomit right there in the middle of the ring. I glanced at Mister. He was watching me intently, eyes steely grey. His hands were clenched, the knuckles white. I thought of the beating I would get if I refused.
So I sprang up in the air and hurtled forward – but the trembling seemed to take over, shaking me off course. I couldn’t get quite high enough. I desperately tried to land on Tag’s shoulders, but I was too low. My feet thumped into his chest, and he wobbled and lost his balance. He fell to the ground, bringing Julip with him – and I fell too, screaming.
Marvo ran forward frantically and caught hold of me just before I reached the ground. I still landed with a terrible thump, but he broke my fall. I lay there, utterly stunned. I stared upwards, my eyes dazzled by a very bright light. I remembered Ma’s stories of Heaven, the shining land above the clouds. Had I died and arrived there already? I thought of all those avenging angels. I seemed to hear them rustling, beating their wings to get to me.
‘Go away, angels!’ I shouted in terror.
‘Oh my Lord, she’s talking of angels! Diamond! Oh, Diamond, you absolutely are not allowed to die!’
It was Hetty, kneeling beside me, clutching me desperately as if she were physically preventing me from ascending heavenwards. I blinked and realized that the brightness above me was simply the glare of the gaslight in the ring, the rustling the movement of the crowd as they stood up, gasping, wondering if I was dead.
Very gingerly, I tried to move. I was lying half on poor Marvo, half on the sawdust. My head hurt, and I felt blood trickling from my temple and a sharp pain in my wrist, but I still seemed to be breathing in and out, and I could certainly feel my heart beating in my chest.
‘I – I don’t think I’m going to die,’ I mumbled. ‘So don’t be cross with me, Hetty.’
‘Oh, Diamond, I’ll never, ever be cross with you again! I feel so terrible. I’m sure you slipped because I’d upset you so much. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll never forgive myself.’
‘And I’ll never forgive the pair of you, ruining the act,’ Mister hissed. He pulled at me. ‘Come on, get on your feet – don’t just lie there like a broken doll. Show the audience you’re fine!’
‘She’s not fine! She could have broken her neck! See how she’s bleeding! Lie still, Diamond, until they’ve fetched a doctor,’ Hetty commanded.
‘Stand up, or I’ll give you a royal beating,’ Mister insisted, and so I struggled to my feet.
I swayed dizzily but managed to stay upright, clutching Hetty. Marvo stood up too, shaking his great head and flexing his huge arms.
‘You caught me! Oh, Marvo, you were brilliant!’ I said. ‘Have I hurt you?’
‘It would take more than a tiny pipsqueak like you to hurt me,’ he said.
‘And are you hurt, Julip? And Tag?’ I asked anxiously.
They smiled and shook their heads at me, though they looked very shocked.
‘Acknowledge the crowd! Stand up properly and take a bow!’ said Mister.
‘For pity’s sake!’ said Hetty, but Mister didn’t have a penny’s worth of pity for any of us.
We bowed, and the audience applauded furiously. I tried to wave at them, but I used my sore hand and my wrist jarred terribly. Hetty saw me wince and picked me up in her arms.
‘Come, Diamond, I’m taking you to lie down in our wagon,’ she said.
‘Leave her be! You’re staying here and getting on with your job!’ said Mr Tanglefield. ‘Come on, before the crowd gets restless. Announce the next act!’
‘What’s the matter with you men? How can you be so utterly heartless?’ Hetty protested.
‘You’ll do as I say! You’ve signed a contract – you announce every act, whether you feel like it or not. We’re professionals, circus artistes. All this fuss over one little tumble, and the child’s not even badly hurt. You were the one who badgered me to employ you – so don’t you dare look all reproachful and woebegone. I’ve had enough of your nonsense. You’re employed by me, under my terms, and you do as I say, Miss High-and-Mighty Hetty Feather!’
‘Please, Hetty, do as he says. I’m fine now – it was just a little bump,’ I said quickly, not wanting to get her into further trouble.
‘You’ll get more than a little bump from me, my fairy,’ Mister hissed in my ear – and when Marvo picked me up and carried me away, he followed.
They took me to our wagon. I hated letting Mister into our lovely little blue haven, but I couldn’t stop him. Marvo laid me carefully on my bed and gently felt my limbs. I gave a cry when he got to my wrist, especially when he manipulated it.
‘I’m so sorry, Diamond. I’m just trying to see if it’s broken. I think it’s just a bad sprain. I’ll send Tag for a doctor,’ said Marvo.
‘Nonsense! The child is fine, she says so herself. She don’t need no doctor! What a pack of softies you are. I broke my wretched back and they didn’t send for no doctor for me,’ snapped Mister.
‘Yes, and you’ve been in serious pain and crippled ever since,’ Marvo pointed out. ‘We don’t want that to happen to Diamond, do we?’
‘There’s no “we” about it! We don’t own her and we don’t have a say in how she’s looked after. I own her, and I decide what to do with her. Now clear out of the wagon. I need to have a private word with the little madam,’ said Mister. ‘I’m going to teach her a lesson or two.’
‘Don’t hurt her, Beppo. Look at the poor mite – she’s terrified already and desperately sore. She’s learned her lesson,’ said Marvo.
‘She needs to learn it again – and again and again, if necessary. It’s the only way to teach her. I was even harder on you, and look at you now, rock solid.’
‘I can take it. So can Tag. Even Julip. But look at Diamond properly, Beppo – look at her. You can’t beat a little baby like her.’
‘If I’d beaten her a bit harder, she’d concentrate better and not ruin the act,’ said Mister.
‘That’s another thing – the crowd will be looking out for her in the grand parade at the end. If you hurt her, they’ll see – and they could turn ugly,’ Marvo told him.
‘Hmm . . .’ Mister nodded curtly. ‘I suppose that makes sense. Do you hear that, Diamond? Your big brother’s saved your bacon. For today! Just you wait till tomorrow. Now wash that blood off your dirty face and comb your hair and stop that snivelling. We’ll tie up your wrist and you’ll be as good as new. I want you in that ring, smiling all over your face, at the end of the show, do you hear me?’
‘I hear you, Mister,’ I whispered.
He stomped off, and I threw my arms round Marvo’s neck.
‘Thank you for savi
ng me twice over, Marvo,’ I said fervently.
He helped clean me up and bound up my wrist with a big handkerchief. ‘There! Is that better now?’ he said.
I nodded, although I still hurt all over – and I knew that I’d be hurting far more tomorrow, after Beppo’s lesson.
Marvo held my good hand as we walked back to the big top together. Julip and Tag looked at me worriedly.
‘Are you really all right, Diamond?’ Julip asked.
‘I . . . think so,’ I said.
‘You should learn to roll up in a ball if you come a cropper – then you don’t hurt yourself, see,’ said Tag. He put his hand very lightly on my back. ‘Did Beppo beat you again?’ he whispered.
I shook my head. ‘No, but I think he will tomorrow,’ I told him.
‘I hate him,’ Julip said, through clenched teeth.
‘We all hate him,’ said Tag. ‘But he won’t go on for ever, will he? Poor old Marvel and Madame Addie got pushed out. I reckon Beppo will be the next to go. Then we’ll be free and able to manage ourselves.’
I wasn’t sure I could wait that long. I thought of all the performances I still had to get through – all the springboard finales, all the beatings. When I went into the ring for the grand parade, I did as Mister said. I smiled and smiled, and waved my good hand and did a backward somersault and even managed a lopsided cartwheel – and I think the audience appreciated my recovery, because I could hear them clapping and shouting. I couldn’t see them though, because my eyes were blurry with tears.
The moment we filed out of the big top, Hetty came running up, seizing hold of me anxiously. ‘You poor little darling – you’re being so brave!’ she said.
But when I saw Mister, the trembling started again.
‘There now, right as rain,’ he said.
‘Get away from her, you hateful old man!’ Hetty shouted.
Mister stared at me meaningfully. ‘Tomorrow, little fairy,’ he said.
‘What does he mean, tomorrow? Has he threatened you? Tell me, Diamond!’ said Hetty, the moment we were back in our wagon.
I tried not to tell, but I was hurting so, and sick with terror. ‘Oh, Hetty, he’s going to beat me again!’ I whimpered.
‘Again?’
‘He did that other time when I was too scared to do the springboard thing. I didn’t dare tell you because I knew you’d be so angry,’ I wept.
‘Oh, Diamond.’ Hetty put her arms tight round me and rocked me for a moment. She kissed the sore place on my head and very gently stroked my bad wrist. Then she led me to my bed.
‘There now. Rest a while,’ she said.
She reached under her own bed and brought out her suitcase. I watched as she pulled off her fleshings and coat and folded them carefully away into the suitcase, on top of her memoir books and treasures. My heart started beating so fast I could scarcely breathe.
‘Oh, Hetty, are you running away?’ I whispered.
Hetty nodded as she struggled into her grey print frock.
‘But – but what about me?’ I wailed.
‘You’re running away too, silly girl,’ she said.
‘But – but they won’t let us!’
‘They won’t know. We’ll wait until everyone’s asleep – and then we’ll sneak out.’
‘Oh, Hetty!’
‘You don’t want to stay, do you?’
‘No!’
‘Then we’ll go. We’ll pack your fairy outfit, yes? And Maybelle. And you can wear your blue dress and your pinafore.’
‘But what about all our things?’ I said, looking around the wagon. ‘They won’t all fit in the suitcase!’
‘We’ll have to leave them. We’ll just take what we can carry.’ Hetty was looking in her purse. ‘That Tanglefield owes me heaps of money, damn him. I wish there was some way I could break into his wagon and steal what’s rightfully mine.’
‘Don’t! He’ll catch you. What if he catches us anyway? What about your contract? And, oh Hetty, what about Mister? What will he say? He bought me!’
‘You’ve given him more than five guineas worth. I’m not going to let you stay here a day longer and have him terrify you. I don’t know what’s the matter with me! I should have taken you away long before. But we’re going now.’
‘Really? This isn’t pretend?’
‘This is absolutely real.’ Hetty stopped her packing and came and sat on the bed beside me. ‘I know you’ve really hurt yourself and this is all horribly scary, but you’re going to keep on being a really brave girl and we’re going to do this together. We’re running away tonight.’
‘We’re running away tonight . . .’ I repeated, still scarcely able to take it all in. ‘So I won’t be here tomorrow when Mister comes for me?’
‘No, we won’t be here. We’ll be far, far away.’
‘And they won’t catch us?’
‘Of course they won’t. Not if we’re very, very quiet. We’ll wait till everyone’s fast asleep – one or even two o’clock. And then we’ll creep out, you and me. I’ll carry the case and I’ll hold your hand – not your sore hand, the other one – and we’ll run together, very swiftly, very silently, right across the meadow and away. Can you do that?’
‘Yes, as long as you’re with me. Oh, Hetty, I’m still a bit scared though. They’ll be so angry if they do catch us.’
I had a hot, burning feeling in my head. I could hardly get my words out properly. I hung onto Hetty, following her round and round the wagon, unable to rest. I badly wanted to show her I was really brave, but I kept thinking of Mister and his cruel grey eyes and his beatings.
I rubbed my aching wrist, which Marvo had bound up so tenderly. ‘Can I say goodbye to Marvo?’ I asked.
‘No! You mustn’t say a word to anyone!’
I thought of dear Marvo. I knew I would miss him a great deal. And Julip. And perhaps I would even miss Tag. I thought of great Elijah and the dancing bears. I thought of Bella and the other horses. I thought of the three German shepherds and dear little Albie. I wished I could say goodbye properly to all of them – but I knew Hetty was right.
We were packed and ready now, but we had to wait hour after hour, because we could still hear men carousing and women singing as the circus folk relaxed after the show. I cuddled up close to Hetty, and although I tried hard to keep my eyes open, I found I kept drifting off into dreams. I thought I was back in the big top, jumping on the springboard and then tumbling through the air, missing the boys altogether, crashing down, down, down into the sawdust. I woke, crying, and Hetty always hushed me tenderly.
‘Are we really still running away?’ I asked.
‘Yes, we really are, Diamond. We’re going to start a whole new life for ourselves, you and me.’
‘But who is going to look after us?’
‘I’m going to look after you, silly. Even though I haven’t made a very good job of it so far,’ said Hetty.
‘Yes you have.’ I paused. ‘And I’ll look after you.’
‘That’s right: we’ll look after each other.’
‘Is it time yet? It’s very late.’
‘Not quite late enough. We’ve got to make sure every single person is fast asleep. If someone calls out, then we’re done for. You go back to sleep for a little while.’
‘But then it might get to be tomorrow before we realize it,’ I said anxiously.
‘I’m not going to sleep, I promise. I’m watching and listening and waiting. Hush now.’ Hetty stroked my hair and very softly sang the Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star song, over and over, touching me on the tip of my nose every time she sang the diamond part. I clung to her and fell asleep again, even though I struggled not to.
A while later Hetty shook me gently. ‘Wake up, Diamond!’
‘Is it time now?’ I whispered.
‘Yes, it’s time.’
I shivered.
‘Look, I’ll tie my shawl tight round you – that will help to keep you warm. Now, we’re going to have to creep very, very carefully, no
t making a sound – and it’ll be very dark with the camp fires all out, but I’ll hold your hand,’ Hetty murmured. ‘We mustn’t whisper, we mustn’t cough or sniff, we mustn’t do anything at all. Just creep. We can do it, Diamond. We’re going to go far away and you’ll never, ever see Beppo again.’
I swallowed hard and squeezed Hetty’s hand.
‘Ready?’
‘Ready!’
Hetty very slowly opened the door of our wagon, easing the latch up carefully so that it didn’t make the slightest sound. The sudden chill night air cleared my head a little, but it all still seemed as if I might be dreaming. Hetty crept through the door, making sure that the suitcase didn’t bang against anything and make a noise, and I followed, out into the darkness. We felt our way down the steps to the ground and then stood still, listening.
There was absolute eerie silence. Hetty waited a few seconds, and then gave me a little tug. We crept over the grass along the semicircle of wagons. I bit my lip, not even daring to breathe, as we passed Beppo’s. Then we were by the silver boys’ wagon, then Flora’s, then Bruno’s, then the new big fancy one belonging to Cowboy Jonny and Lucky Heather – and then there was a sudden snuffling.
Little Albie was lying under their wagon. He’d caught our scent and was yelping a joyous greeting.
‘Shh, Albie! Quiet! Oh, please, don’t make any more noise!’ I begged.
But the three German shepherds were awake now too, and they started barking loudly.
‘We’ll have to run for it!’ Hetty said, gripping my hand tight and pulling me along. But the four dogs were leaping up in a circle around us, thinking this was a glorious new game – and now we heard wagon doors banging, people calling, Elijah trumpeting in the distance.
Mr Tanglefield came running out of his own wagon, a lamp in one hand, his whip in the other. ‘Trespassers!’ he cried.
‘They’re not trespassers!’ said Mister, running too. ‘What are you up to, you little varmints? Do you think you’re getting away from me, little fairy? Wait till I get hold of you!’ He was brandishing his stick at me.