“I miss you,” she said softly, brokenly. “I miss the way things used to be.”
He looked at her then, his eyes bleak. She knew he was deeply troubled, that he wanted to say something of import. Maybe he was as worried about their marriage as she was.
“I’m going to leave tomorrow. I think it’d be better that way. It’ll give you the chance to think things over.”
What things? she wondered. The house? Or was there something he wasn’t saying?
He left the window. “I’ll go down and tell the others you’ll be with us shortly.”
“Alex?”
When he turned, she stood. Gathering her nerve, she took the risk and let her feelings show. “Would you hold me? Just for a minute.” He came to her and did as she asked, but she felt no comfort. His arms were around her, but it was as though he withheld himself, his heart.
How could he be standing there, holding her, and yet seem so very far away?
When she joined the others in the parlor, she sat in the wing chair near the cold fireplace. Alex took his proper place beside her. He didn’t so much as put a comforting hand on her shoulder. Mike and Melissa sat on the couch, holding hands.
She tried to listen as Roy Lubbeck talked. He was explaining that after her father’s death, her mother had put all the family assets into a living trust so that, in the event of her death, their inheritance wouldn’t be tied up in probate.
Her mother had put the house in Mike’s and her name two years before. The taxes, which amounted to a considerable sum, were paid through the year. She had also set up an account intended to take care of any minor problems that might arise, such as plumbing, appliance repair, and the like.
Sierra remembered that shortly after her father had passed away, her mother had hired a contractor to reshingle the entire roof. She’d spent a great deal to have the southern eaves and back porch torn out and rebuilt after termites were discovered. Roy went on to explain that the rest of her mother’s assets were in certificates of deposit and treasury bills, including fifteen thousand earmarked for each grandchild, the money to be held in trust until their eighteenth birthdays.
Closing his briefcase, Roy cleared his throat. He looked at Mike and then at her. “Your mother was a remarkable woman. It was my good fortune to call her and your father friends.” He started to say more and couldn’t. As he rose, he took an envelope from his suit jacket and held it out to Alex. “Marianna asked that I give this to you.”
Disturbed, Alex took the letter, folded it in half, and pushed it into the front pocket of his slacks. “I’ll walk you out,” he said.
Sierra heard the murmur of their voices. After a few moments the front door closed, but Alex didn’t return. Glancing at Mike and Melissa, she rose and went into the foyer. She could see through the leaded window on each side of the door. Alex stood outside on the front steps, his hands shoved into his pockets. As Roy Lubbeck’s sedan pulled away from the curb, Alex went down the steps. Her heart began to beat heavily in dread, but he didn’t head for his car, which was parked in the drive alongside the house. He went out to the sidewalk and headed for the Plaza, where they used to sit and listen to the summer concerts in the bandstand. Relieved, she rested her forehead against the door for a moment and then went back into the parlor.
“We’ve already eaten,” Melissa told her. “Do you want something?”
Sierra closed her eyes, shaking her head. The thought of food was enough to make her stomach lurch.
“Try to get some sleep,” Melissa said when the mantel clock chimed eleven.
Sierra went upstairs to bed. Lying in her canopy bed, she tried to think of happier times. Her mind was consumed with what-if scenarios. When she awakened in the morning, Alex wasn’t beside her.
Donning her robe, she came downstairs to the kitchen and found Melissa making waffles for the children. “Have you seen Alex?” she said.
“Daddy left for the airport,” Carolyn said, pouring syrup on her waffle.
“When?” Sierra said, heart sinking. Had he really left without even saying good-bye to her?
“About an hour ago, I guess. He came in and talked to Clanton and me while we were watching television.”
Turning away, she blinked back tears.
Melissa poured batter into the waffle iron. “He said he didn’t want to awaken you,” she said quietly. “He felt you needed sleep.”
When Melissa looked at her, Sierra knew Alex hadn’t fooled anyone with his excuses. Sierra gave her sister-in-law a cynical smile, poured herself a cup of coffee, and sat down with the children.
If this baby is not born soon, I will burst like an overripe melon.
James is worried sick. He makes me nervous. There is no midwife and I am too far gone to go back to Galena by wagon or any other way. So we will have to manage by ourselves. I cannot even bend over to pick up the babies I have and there is no lap left for them to sit on. Some days this baby kicks so much I wonder if there are not two inside me. Maybe they are contending with one another just like Esau and Jacob.
Matthew Lucas Farr was born mid-morning May 5 or thereabouts. He is as strong and loud as his older brother ever was. Deborah Anne followed her brother into the world straight away. They do not look at all alike, but sound pretty near the same.
James is back at work in the fields. He is much relieved to have me up and around again. He has not the patience for tending toddling and crawling babies, though he had charge of his offspring for three whole days. I could not help but laugh at his Frustration. Joshua had to show him how to change a diaper, but washing soiled ones is a chore James would sooner die than do. Does he think I like it?
I am beginning to feel like our poor milk cow.
It has been two years since I wrote a word in this journal. Where has all the time gone? Back on the homestead, by the time the day is done, I am too tired to put two thoughts together in my head let alone put anything sensible on paper. Now, I am visiting Aunt Martha and my Burdens are lifted. She is enthralled with the twins and Delighted to have Joshua, Hank, and Beth back under her roof. Betsy and Clovis are pleased, too. Joshua is Clovis’s shadow. Hank and Beth spend most of their time in the kitchen with Betsy. They have discovered her fine cooking. The only time Aunt Martha gives up the twins is when they need nursing.
Galena is so much bigger than it was three years ago. Aunt Martha said there are more than ten thousand souls living here now. I think it more likely that four thousand of them have no souls at all from what I’ve seen. The river is busy with ships from the Mississippi. Irishmen and Germans swarm the docks and negras as well. Betsy said there is a new African Methodist Episcopal Church. She and Clovis go there to worship Jesus. There’s so much noise now you can’t hear yourself think.
Aunt Martha has a new cistern. She said too many people use the town well and it is too long a wait for water.
James and I saw a man haul a box out onto the sidewalk near the marketplace today. He stood on it and talked about Oregon. He talked about the Preemption Act of 1841 saying every person head of a family can have 160 acres of prime free land in Oregon. James insisted we stay and hear what the man had to say. The man claimed Oregon is a land flowing with milk and honey on the shores of the Pacific. He said there are great crops of wheat there that grow as high as a man’s head. He said pigs run about under great acorn trees, round and fat, and already cooked with knives and forks sticking in them so you can saw off a slice anytime you have a mind to do so. Some believed his hogwash and were ready to sign up and go right off with him in their farm wagons. I am glad James had more sense.
James sold our corn crop today. Prices are down. He has worked hard the past few years paying off Papas debts and making improvements on the homestead. If Papa could see the land now, he would be proud of James.
We will go home soon. I will miss Aunt Martha and Betsy and Clovis. I will miss the good cooking, the feather bed, the piano, and the ladies from the quilting club.
For all that, I can h
ardly wait to be home again.
James has westering fever. He talks of nothing but Oregon.
What is it about men that they always think the grass is greener on the other side of a mountain? The grass is green enough right here. I told James we have land all paid for, a sturdy house, a barn, two horses, a milk cow, some goats, and a flock of chickens. We have our health and our babies and we are happy.
He said—You are happy, Mary Kathryn. The way I see it we will be living hand to mouth all our lives as long as we stay in Illinois. In Oregon there is a chance. A chance for what I wanted to know. To build something that will last he said. And the winters are milder.
I told him when something sounds too good to be true, it most likely is.
But all he said to that was—Free land, Mary Kathryn. Think of it.
I said—Free land two thousand miles away. Free land we have not seen and know nothing about. We have land right here already.
He said—Poor land full of rocks and roots and heartache.
Sometimes James sounds just like he did when he was talking about going off to New York and England and China.
I am sick of hearing about Oregon.
Part Three
The Surrender
Chapter 13
The house felt vacant when Sierra unlocked the side door from the garage. Carolyn and Clanton followed her in, lugging their suitcases through the kitchen and down the hallway to their bedrooms. Sierra set her own down in the living room and wandered through the house.
Something didn’t feel right. Sierra couldn’t put her finger on it, but a strange foreboding filled her. At first, she wondered if the house had been burglarized, but nothing was missing. She opened the drapes in the living room and let the spring sunshine in, but that didn’t help dispel the dark atmosphere.
Picking up her suitcases, Sierra went down the hallway to the master bedroom. Her brows lifted slightly when she found the bed made. In thirteen years of marriage, Alex had never made a bed. The rugs had been vacuumed. Clean towels hung in the bathroom. She put her hand on the doorknob to the walk-in closet and then hesitated, irrational fear gripping her. Taking a deep breath, she opened it and breathed in relief when she saw Alex’s suits hanging to the right. The shelves at the back were neatly stacked with shirts.
She went back into the bedroom, where she had put her suitcases. Hefting one onto the bed, she unlatched it and began unpacking. As she tucked her clothing back into the dresser and put her toiletries into the bathroom, she couldn’t shake the doubts and fears that had been building since Alex had left Healdsburg.
The children had raised them.
Over the past two weeks while she’d remained in Healdsburg to make some decisions with her brother, little things had come out in conversations with the children. During the time Sierra was in Healdsburg by herself, Dolores had spent the night babysitting four times, and Clanton and Carolyn had spent one weekend at Marcia Burton’s.
“Daddy!” Carolyn cried out in the other room, and Sierra heard Clanton chattering away as their father returned early from work. Sierra’s pulse skyrocketed. She looked around the bedroom again and bit her lip. Had he hired a maid service? If so, why now when he never had before? Closing the empty suitcases, she lifted them off the bed and set them near the door. She would put them away in the garage later.
Her stomach knotted with tension. Trying to calm down, she sat in the chair by the window. Resting her hands on the arms, she waited.
It seemed an hour before Alex stood in the doorway. “I’m glad you made it back safely.” His tone and expression were enigmatic.
“Thanks.” Her heart drummed harder, not in the way it used to when she looked at him, but with something deeper, something primeval. “Where are Carolyn and Clanton?” she said, keeping her tone neutral.
“Carolyn’s on the phone with Pamela, and Clanton’s down the street playing soccer with some friends. He’ll be in before dark.” His eyes narrowed slightly. “What’s the matter?”
“You tell me, Alex,” she said without inflection. When he said nothing, she drew in her breath slowly to keep herself from shaking. “I heard Dolores had to spend four nights with the children while I was gone.” His expression flickered slightly. “And they spent a weekend with Marcia.” A pink hue seeped up from his collar and filled his face.
Sierra closed her eyes.
She heard Alex come into the bedroom and close the door quietly behind him. When he spoke, his voice was low and heavy. “I didn’t want to talk about this. Not the first day you got home.” He sat down on the bed. “Things aren’t working between us anymore.”
She opened her eyes and looked at him. His eyes grazed hers and shifted away.
“You don’t understand what’s important to me,” he said.
“What is important, Alex?”
He looked at her then, coolly. “My work. You’ve resented what I do from the beginning.”
“Can you tell me truthfully it’s work that kept you away for six nights while I was gone?”
The small lines around his mouth deepened. “We’ve got nothing in common anymore. Our marriage started disintegrating a long time ago.”
“We have two children in common,” she said quietly. “We’re married to one another. We have that in common.”
“Then let me put it to you straight. I’m not in love with you anymore.”
Sierra hadn’t realized how much it would hurt to have Alex say those words straight out. She remembered listening to Meredith talk about her ex-husbands. “They always say you never understood them, that you don’t have anything in common anymore. But it usually boils down to one thing. Another woman.”
Her heart sank into the pit of her stomach.
“I’m sorry, Sierra. I—”
“Who is she, Alex?”
He looked away from her and sighed. Standing, he moved restlessly, finally stopping near her dresser. “What difference does it make?”
“I’d like to hear the news from you before I hear it from someone else.”
Alex pushed his hands in his pockets, reminding her of the night Roy Lubbeck had given him a letter from her mother. Had he ever bothered to read it?
“Elizabeth.”
“Elizabeth?” Her heart plummeted. “Elizabeth Longford?” she said weakly, cold clarity washing over her like a tidal wave. “The woman from Connecticut?”
“Yes.”
“The one who graduated from Wellesley?”
“Yes.”
Alex said she didn’t understand him. Oh, but he was wrong, so wrong. She knew him better than he knew himself. She saw him so clearly in that instant. It was as though all the veiling had been ripped away, leaving his soul bare for her to see.
“You finally made the grade, didn’t you?” she said softly, hurt beyond anything she could ever have thought possible.
Alex turned slowly and looked at her. Sierra watched her husband’s face change. Shock. Pain. Rage. She knew her words had struck true, right to the very heart of the matter. He knew exactly what she meant. The poor farm laborer’s son who had never felt good enough had finally bagged himself a worthy trophy. Beautiful, well-educated, accomplished Elizabeth Longford, daughter of the American Revolution. Maybe he didn’t fully realize she had always understood his insecurities and loved him despite them. Certainly she had never expected to throw them in his face. But then, she had never expected him to betray her with another woman.
“Bruja,” he said through his teeth.
“And what are you, Alex? A cheat and a liar.”
Had Alex been another kind of man, he would have struck her. She saw how much he wanted to. She almost wished he would. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel this sick anguish. She’d be glad to see him leave. She wouldn’t care. It wouldn’t feel like he was ripping her heart out. Looking into his eyes, she saw no hint of tenderness or regret. She saw a man determined to be free, eager to be gone.
“This farce of a marriage is over!” he said, enraged.
Pain gripped Sierra until she could hardly breathe. She knew Alejandro Luís Madrid so well. If she apologized, it would make no difference. She had done the unthinkable by putting light on his secret pain. If she begged, it wouldn’t change anything. He would never forgive her. His very blood would cry out against it.
“It’s not over for me, Alex. It never will be.”
Crossing the room, he opened the door. “That’s your problem,” he said and walked out.
Lucas came back today.
If I could wish a man dead, it would be him. He was a bad seed as far back as I can remember and he has grown up tangled and full of treachery.
He rode right up to the house on a good animal and dressed in fine clothes, claiming the homestead belongs to him. I told him he was a thief and a liar. He laughed and said it dont matter. What is important is he is Papas firstborn and I am disinherited. He has a letter from Hiram Reinholtz to prove it.
And then he said bold as brass—But since James has done such a fine job working the place, I will be generous and allow you to stay on as sharecroppers. And if you don’t like that arrangement, Mary Kathryn, you can pack up and go straight to hades.
James said he will not fight Lucas over the land. No matter what I say, he will not listen. This land is my home. I was born in this house. James has done more work in the fields than Lucas ever did. And now my no-good brother shows up after all these years and says the homestead all belongs to him. Not without a fight, I say.
James says no. He says we are going to Oregon.
Lucas came to the house today and he brought a man and woman with him. They all were in a wagon. I stood on the front porch with a rifle, but James took it from me before I could shoot my brother dead. Lucas brought Elder right into my house. The man had his hat in his hand and would not look at me. It did not help knowing he is ashamed for taking my home from me. Lucas said he has a contract with Elder. Elder will work the land and share profits.