“Take a wild guess.”
His meaning couldn’t be more clear.
“I’ll send you another check, Sierra. You’d better hang on to this one. You’ll need it.”
Hot, bitter anger swept over her, surpassing hurt and obliterating wisdom. “I have a better idea, Alex. Don’t send the check. Eat it!” The words were out before she even knew they were coming. They passed her lips, flying up from her heart and roosting like vultures in the charged air, pecking at her head. She slammed the phone down, more angry with her own lack of control than with Alex’s contemptuous laugh.
When a check did arrive in the mail two days later, it came in an envelope with an embossed return address that read Madrid/Longford. She tore up the envelope and check and flushed both down the toilet. She’d stand out on a street corner holding a sign that said Homeless and Hungry before she’d take another nickel from Alejandro Luís Madrid.
Pride did have its place, didn’t it? What had she just heard at the last Bible study? “Those who won’t work, won’t eat.” Well, she’d work and eat. And so would her children. Whatever money Alex sent for the children would go in their college funds.
Dennis and several other men from the church helped her move into the condominium. The complex was within walking distance of the church, and Dennis invited Clanton to play baseball when they finished unloading the pickup trucks. “We’ve got a team, but we’re short some outfielders. Do you think you could help us out?”
“Sure. Easy!” Clanton looked more eager than Sierra had seen him in a long time.
“As soon as we get all this stuff lugged inside, we’ll head on down to the field. Can he stay out until nine, Mom?” Dennis said, winking at her over one end of a couch he was carrying.
“I’ll have to fix him some dinner first.”
“We can get McDonald’s.”
“Great!” Clanton said, before she could respond. He dumped the box he was carrying onto the top of a coffee table and ran back for another.
“Mom!” Carolyn said, running up, her face flushed with excitement. “Susan lives here. Susan from church! She lives in the condo just down from us. See! Right over there. Can you believe it? Can I go play with her? Please.”
Susan’s mother, Frances, came over an hour later. Clanton and the men had gone, leaving Sierra surrounded by boxes. Frances surveyed the chaos. “Why don’t you join us for dinner?”
Removing the newspaper wrapping, Sierra set another plate into the dishwasher. She brushed damp tendrils back from her face and glanced around at the unpacked boxes, Mary Kathryn’s trunk, the furniture dumped anywhere and nowhere in particular. It would take her all night to get half the unpacking done.
“Believe me,” Frances laughed. “It’ll still be here when you come back. Susan and I can help.”
By the time Sierra had finished her spaghetti, Frances had talked her into joining the choir. “It only makes sense,” Frances said. “We meet on the same night as the youth group. We can walk down with the children, stay for practice, and walk back with them at nine.”
“What if I can’t carry a tune?” Sierra laughed.
“Then you’ll just have to make a joyful noise!”
The telephone was ringing when she unlocked the front door and switched on the lights later that evening. Carolyn ran to the kitchen and answered it. Sierra could tell by the look on her daughter’s face that it was Alex. She watched Carolyn hop up on a stool as she began telling her father everything that had happened that day. She sounded so happy and excited.
“Oh, and Mom’s joined the choir. She’s going to be practicing the same night Susan and I go to youth group. Susan? She’s a friend from the church. She lives in a condo right down the path from us.” She listened for a moment, her excitement dimming slightly. “He’s not here, Daddy. He’s playing baseball with Mr. O’Malley. Dennis is so neat! He leads the youth group, and he’s a highway patrolman. He met Mom when he pulled her over on the freeway for speeding. You should see his baby. Sean is so cute, and Noreen lets me hold him in church.”
Sierra went into Carolyn’s bedroom. So much for keeping a few secrets, she thought, taking the sheets from a box. She made up Carolyn’s bed, then went into Clanton’s room and made up his bed. Carolyn was still talking when Sierra went into her own bedroom and began making up her own bed, the one she’d slept in all through her growing-up years in Healdsburg. She smoothed the comforter and plumped the pillows. Leaning against the bedpost, she looked around the room.
She’d had to get rid of the king-size bed she’d shared with Alex. After measuring the master bedroom, she’d realized it would fit but leave little room for anything else. Giving it up had been difficult. She’d mentioned it to Melissa during their last telephone conversation, and two days later her brother had called and said he was shipping her canopy bed from home.
She touched the lace covering that her mother had crocheted for her; it had taken her a year to complete it. Sierra remembered the joy she’d felt when she opened the big box on Christmas morning and found the lace folded in among sheets of lavender tissue paper. She’d been sixteen and madly in love with Alex.
Her eyes welled with tears. How many nights had she lain in this bed dreaming of what it would be like to be married to Alejandro Luís Madrid? He had been her Prince Charming. Ten years she’d known what it was like to be loved and fulfilled by a man of passion. Ten years of heaven, followed by three years of descending into hell.
God forgive her, she’d been the one to take the first step down.
The front doorbell rang. “Mom! Can you get it?” Carolyn called, unwilling to relinquish the phone.
When she opened the door, Sierra found Clanton covered with grass stains and dirt from head to foot and grinning from ear to ear. “I hit a home run, Mom! Man, you should’ve seen that ball fly!”
Dennis was behind him, looking pleased. “It wouldn’t have been a home run if I hadn’t tripped over my feet,” he said in mock annoyance, “and you hadn’t run like a rabbit.”
“We’re playing against the Baptist church on Saturday,” Clanton said, entering the living room and tossing his dirty glove onto a pile of clean clothes that had yet to be put away. “I’m playing shortstop.”
“You were supposed to ask your mother’s permission,” Dennis said, snatching Clanton’s hat off. “Remember?”
“Mother may I?” Clanton grinned.
She laughed. “Yes, you may.”
Carolyn slid off the kitchen stool. “Daddy wants to talk to you,” she said, holding the telephone receiver out to Clanton.
Clanton’s expression changed immediately. He stared at the telephone as though it were a cockroach he wanted to squash. “Tell him I’m taking a shower!” he said loud enough for Alex to hear and stalked down the hall. He went into the bathroom and slammed the door. Sierra heard the click as he locked it.
Dennis gave her a grim look as Carolyn relayed the message. “I can see we have some work to do,” he said softly. He tossed Clanton’s hat onto a stool.
“A lot of work.”
“I’d better get home before Noreen sends out a search party.”
Sierra walked with him to the door and thanked him for including Clanton in the adults’ baseball practice.
“He’s a great kid, Sierra,” Dennis said.
“He’s an angry kid.”
“He’s got reason. A lot of times it’s not in our power to forgive someone who has hurt us. We have to ask God’s help.”
Words for her to think about as well, she thought as she closed the door.
She tried to talk to Clanton when he got into his bed. “Would you please talk to your father the next time he calls?”
“Why should I?”
“Because it’d make things easier on me,” she said, hoping that would make some difference. “He thinks I’ve turned you against him.”
“I’ll talk to him,” Clanton said, eyes blazing with the same fierce anger she’d seen in Alex’s the last tim
e he’d spoken to her face-to-face before walking out. “I’ll tell him he’s full of—”
She put her hand lightly over his lips to stop the flow of angry words. Clanton clearly had some of her faults as well as Alex’s. “Please,” she whispered. “I’m not without fault in all this, Clanton. Try to understand.” She bit her lip, trying to find words to explain. If she cried, that would only make matters worse. She stroked his cheek tenderly. “Your father loves you very much.”
His mouth worked. “If he loved me, he wouldn’t have left,” he said and turned over on his side so she couldn’t see his face. She didn’t have to. Her heart felt like a hot ball of pain inside her.
“His leaving had nothing to do with you, honey. I was angry for so long about having to move, and I took it out on Daddy. He got tired of it.”
Clanton turned his head slightly and looked at her. “Do you still love him?”
Tears did come then, but she smiled, combing his hair back from his forehead. Dark hair just like Alex’s. “He’s your father, honey. How could I not?” She took his hand. “What he’s done isn’t right, Clanton, but I wasn’t right either. Looking back, I can see so many things I did wrong.”
“You never did anything wrong.”
“Yes, I did. I wanted things to be my way.” She stroked his cheek, aching for the pain she saw in his eyes. Hate and love were so closely linked. “If you can’t forgive him for your sake, honey, will you forgive him for mine?”
Clanton rolled over again. He had always been stubborn. Just like her. Just like Alex.
Heart aching, she stood and straightened the covers over his shoulders. “I love you, Clanton.” Leaning down, she kissed his temple. “So does your father.”
We are at the top of the Rocky Mountains!
We did not even know it until we saw the water was running west. The climb was so slow and gradual and then this great expanse before you so you know you are on top of a great range. It is cool and dry and windy right now. But it was a long hard day of travel.
Kavanaugh and Joshua shot three antelope. They are good eating. I am so proud of him!
We crossed the Big Sandy and laid by to rest our oxen. I did wash. Artemesia joined me at the riverbank. She was a robust woman when we started and is now so thin a breeze could blow her over. She says she feels much better. She does not look it.
The last week has been hard going through dark hills and deep ravines and narrow passes. We have crossed creeks and fixed broken wagons. One of the oxen died last night and the wolves kept up a constant howling. I did not sleep much. Tonight is not much better with the mosquitoes buzzing and Henry and Matthew fighting with each other. I have to sit a while and write something or I will crack their heads together.
Beth was feeling poorly again today. The fever comes and goes. I gave her some quinine and bedded her down for the night.
I am wearing new moccasins and pleased with the feel of them. My shoes were worn through and Henry is wearing my boots. Kavanaugh traded with a Cheyenne squaw and gave them to James to give to me. James offered him a dollar for them but he would not take it. He said it was payment for the suppers he has shared with us.
James has sent the boys to bed. The quiet is nice with the crickets chirping and the sky so starry. James is on first watch tonight.
Cal Chaffey is playing his mouth organ again. It is a mournful tune tonight. The wolves like it. They are joining in.
Paralee Sinnott has torn the sheets.
She was feeling poorly this morning, but Franklin made her drive the wagon just the same. She pulled out of line twice. By the end of the day she was at the back eating dust. We had made camp by the time she drove in. When she came in Franklin asked her where his son was and she said she shot him back in the road and left him for dead. Franklin Sinnott rode off fast as he could to go looking for him. As soon as he was out of sight, Paralee got down off her wagon calm as you please and set fire to his wagon full of goods to sell. It took flame so fast all we could do was pull the two wagons nearest out of the circle so they would not catch fire as well. Paralee just stood there with her arms crossed watching everything go up in smoke.
Franklin came back quick when he saw the smoke. When he saw what she had done, he come down off his horse like a wild man and hit her twice before MacLeod laid him out good and proper. Franklin lay there crying over his broken nose and dead son and calling her a crazy woman.
And right then young Frank rode in with a string of trout hanging off his saddle. He said Paralee sent him fishing.
We are laid by at Soda Springs and will stay over Sunday. Everyone has drunk from the springs. Some like it fine as it is. I did not like it much until I added sugar. Then it was tolerable good.
We are all in sore need of rest. It was hard pulling through mountains and crossing creeks. We have plenty of grass and wood here. Kavanaugh took Joshua hunting. James is annoyed. He needed Joshua to help him make repairs on the wagon but Joshua was off before we knew he was going. Joshua would rather ride point and hunt with Kavanaugh than drive our wagon or repair it. So Hank and Matthew are helping.
It is pretty here. I would be content to stop and sink in roots. James said I will like California better.
I am filled with sadness. When we pull out day after tomorrow, we will be taking the road to California. Most will be heading on to Oregon. I am thankful Wells and Nellie are going with us. Nellie is the closest thing I have to a sister and reminds me of Aunt Martha.
Oren McKenzie and Celia Banks have teamed up. Celia put the idea in Oren’s head and he was agreeable. She has milk enough for baby David and her own little Hortense and she needs a man to help her work the land she is going to claim in Oregon. They will not marry until they have their allotments. Once they claim their 160 acres, they will tie the knot and have 320 acres together. She is a smart girl.
Winifred Holtz is grieving something awful. She loves little David as though he were her own. Celia wept with her and said she will not take him from her until all is settled in Oregon.
MacLeod led the wagons north toward the Snake River this morning. We and the Doanes, Stern Janssen, Ernst Holtz, and Binger Siddons pulled out at the same time heading south. Nellie has cried the whole day. She is crying still as I sit and write in my journal. Wells keeps telling her the going will be easier to California but I can tell by Kavanaugh it will not. Robert and LeRoy are glad to not be separated from Henry and Matthew. Beth is mourning over not seeing baby Hortense again. I almost told her I would be having a baby in the spring but I thought it better not to. I am feeling poorly and may lose it. And I should tell James before anybody else.
Kavanaugh is going with us to California. I am glad of his company. He said he has not been over this land before but has heard much about it. He said the next eight hundred miles will be harder than anything we have traveled over before.
James says that means fewer people will come.
We crossed Raft River and have come as far as a City of Rocks. We will rest here a day before going on. Beth and I have made a game of seeing things in the rock formations. Some are hundreds of feet high. We have made out the shapes of turtles and rabbits. Henry pointed out a group of rocks that look like an eagle.
Joshua said he has no interest in childish games and rode off. Now I see he has climbed up on one section and is painting his name in axle grease high up for all to see.
It has been hard pulling since we left the City of Rocks. Kavanaugh said Humboldt Wells is still a day away.
I wish we had gone on to Oregon.
We are nooning three hours during the hottest time of day and then traveling on until the sunset. The dust has been bad. We fan out, but the winds keep us from escaping it. Nellie is sick from the alkali dust. I am so sunburned I look like an Indian.
The children keep asking how long it will take to get to California. James lost his temper and said we will get there when we get there and if they ask again he will take his belt to them. He has no patience with this Heat a
nd the Hard Labor. The roads are heavy.
I think he is wishing we had gone on to Oregon.
We came over mountainous roads today and reached Thousand Spring Valley. We are camped by good water. Joshua has taken the horses to good grass. Henry has gone with him to cut and bundle grass to take with us. I am too tired to write more.
We are laid by at Humboldt Wells. We will stay an extra day here. The animals need rest. So do we all. Grass and water are plentiful. It is pretty and there is shade.
Kavanaugh does not say much about what is ahead. His silence fills me with disquiet. If the going was easy he would tell us so. Summer has its heavy hand upon us.
Joshua asked me who his father is. I said James but he said he means his Real father. I asked him why he wanted to know and he said he had wondered about it for a long time. He said Clovis told him I had him with me when I came to live with Aunt Martha. I told him James was the only father he ever had. He was not satisfied. He said a man has to know where he comes from. So I told him my brother Matthew McMurray married Sally Mae Grayson and he is her child. He wanted to know what happened to her and I told him she died giving birth to him. Then he wanted to know what happened to his father. I said he died too. He wanted to know how and I said what difference does it make. He is dead. Joshua got mad and wanted to know why it was so hard for me to tell the truth. I said I had never lied to him or anyone. I said it was hard talking about people I loved who were gone. I said the past did not matter anyway because he is as much my son as Henry and Matthew. He said he is not. I did not think words could hurt so much. I told him I have loved him from the moment I helped bring him into the world.
He did not ask more after that. He just looked at me like he knew there was more than what I was telling him.
Joshua rode on ahead. I am afraid for him. James said he has common sense and Kavanaugh will watch out for him. I am afraid for other reasons.
Stern Janssen lost a wheel today. The wood had gotten so dry the spokes fell out. James is helping him fix it. They have taken the wheels off and are soaking them overnight in the Humboldt.