‘A bunch of innocent boys, Barry. Twelve innocent boys. Twelve, Barry, a significant figure, you will agree.’
‘If you say so, chief.’
‘I do. I set out upon a quest, a pilgrimage, a voyage of discovery, a crusade. I suffered, I starved, I was tempted from my duties, but I held fast and –’
‘Where is this leading, chief?’
‘Don’t pretend you don’t know, Barry. You are part of this because you are part of me, my holy guardian angel. Barry, I know now who I am. Why I was put through all of this and the significance of the twelve boys. The twelve disciples, Barry.
‘I am the one whose job it is to set things alright.
‘I am the one who must return Man to the Garden.
‘I am the Chosen One, Barry. I am the one who will join the Poppette in the Garden. Be the new Adam to her Eve, Barry. But not just Adam, not this time.
‘I am the New Messiah.’
There was a moment of silence then.
Then Barry began to laugh.
‘You can’t laugh, you little sod,’ I told Barry. ‘Why are you laughing, why?’
‘I am laughing,’ said Barry, ‘because you have got it so wrong. Not altogether wrong, just a rather important bit wrong. You were close though. You see, chief, you were sent here to save the life of the bigger boy. That was your mission. That was the reason you were sent. To achieve that goal and save his life. Which you did, if you will recall.’
‘In an act of selfless bravery,’ I said. ‘As a true Messiah would.’
‘Yes chief. It needed doing, it really did, because you see there is a New Messiah, but it isn’t you. It is the bigger boy, chief. He will play Adam to Sophia Poppette’s Eve. And……’ Barry laughed some more. ‘I am really going to need a page of my own to say this chief.’
‘What?’ I said. ‘And why?’
‘Because, chief –’
‘YOU ARE NOT THE MESSIAH
YOU’RE JUST A VERY NAUGHTY BOY.’
Applause.
51
‘I don’t get it,’ I said to Barry.
‘No, but many will.’
‘But neither do I believe it,’ I said. ‘It all makes sense. It does. Oh go on, Barry, own up. I am the Messiah, aren’t I?’
‘Sadly no, chief. Well, not sadly really. But I can tell you with absolute sincerity, you are not the Messiah.’
‘But just a naughty boy?’ I said, most glumly. ‘Not the Messiah at all.’
‘Not the Messiah at all, chief, sorry. And now it is time for you to go home. Because our work here is done.’
‘Hmph,’ I grumped. ‘I am not happy with this.’
‘You’ll be happy enough back home on your school summer holidays, chief.’
I sighed sadly. ‘Well,’ said I. ‘I will have a tale to tell.’
‘A tale to tell?’ said Barry. ‘Will you indeed?’
‘I certainly will, you little green stinker. I shall write up my adventures into a best-selling book. I expect I will be a millionaire author before I reach the age of twelve.’
‘I doubt that, you schmuck,’ said Barry.
‘Don’t,’ I said. ‘I have the talent. ‘I will write it up.’
‘You won’t,’ said Barry.
‘I will.’
‘You won’t.’
‘And tell me why I will not.’
‘Because chief, you won’t remember any of this. When I drop you back to Brentford in your school summer holidays I will do so at a moment just before you open the shed on the allotment where you met the Venusian and this adventure began. But this time the shed will be empty. There will be no Venusian. You will have done all this, but to you it will be as if you did not. You will not recall anything.’
‘You spiteful little sod,’ I said to Barry. ‘You nasty little green – why would you do this to me?’
‘Only following orders, chief. Recall that it is your older self who volunteers his younger self for a mission to travel through time. If your older self could remember all the experiences his younger self had had here, he’d probably try to do things differently in the cause of self-aggrandisement. And things would not get done properly at all.’
‘I give you my word,’ I said to Barry.
‘And I am sure I could trust it. But this is the way it must be. And there is something else you should bear in mind.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Well, I don’t even like you, chief. I think you’re an obnoxious little tick.’
‘Thanks very much indeed,’ I said. ‘And up yours too, you blighter.’
‘And you volunteered for this mission, chief. I didn’t. I’m busy with Elvis. I didn’t want to get involved in this. But I was given my orders by Terrance. And you just don’t argue with Terrance.’
‘Well,’ I said. ‘I’m speechless. I don’t know quite what to say.’
‘How about, goodbye, chief?’ said Barry.
‘Well, all right,’ I said. ‘Goodbye.’
‘And we did have some fun, didn’t we, chief?’
‘Well, actually I had lots of fun,’ I said. ‘It was very exciting. And I got to fly a spaceship and meet God and save the New Messiah. So yes, it was fun. Real fun.’
‘Good, chief,’ said Barry. ‘Then let me take you home.’
‘And I won’t remember?’
‘Sorry, chief.’
‘I expect it is all for the best.’
‘Quite so.’
Then things whirred and whizzed and all of a sudden I was back there upon the allotment. There by the daddy’s shed.
‘Something weird just happened,’ I said.
But I never found out just what.
However………
I did find that I was tightly clutching something
rather strange. A little seed pod kind of thing, the
like of which I had no knowledge of ever seeing
before.
‘I’ll take that home and plant it in a pot,’ I said to myself. ‘You never know, something interesting might come out of it.’
And I went home to my mother.
Who looked me up and down and asked me, ‘Why are you wearing that dear little sailor suit?’
THE END
Also by
ROBERT RANKIN
The Antipope
The Brentford Triangle
East of Ealing
The Sprouts of Wrath
Armageddon: The Musical
They Came and Ate Us
The Suburban Book of the Dead
The Book of Ultimate Truths
Raiders of the Lost Car Park
The Greatest Show Off Earth
The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived
The Garden of Unearthly Delights
A Dog Called Demolition
Nostradamus Ate My Hamster
Sprout Mask Replica
The Brentford Chainstore Massacre
The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag
Apocalypso
Snuff Fiction
Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls
Waiting for Godalming
Web Site Story
The Fandom of the Operator
The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse
The Witches of Chiswick
Knees Up Mother Earth
The Brightonomicon
The Toyminator
The Da-da-de-da-da Code
Necrophenia
Retromancer
The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions
The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age
The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds
The Chickens of Atlantis and Other Foul and Filthy Fiends
Illustrated works:
The Bumper Book of Ficts written by Neil Gardner
EMPIRES
Alice on Mars
The Divine Commodore
Robert Rankin, The Abominable Showman
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