LAYING ON MY bed, not quite awake, I became aware of the sensation that I was drifting silently upward. It wasn’t like the reoccurring dreams I had of flying - weightless and unbound. Rather, I felt my stomach dropping, like the feeling you get in an elevator going down too fast, but instead I was rising swiftly… soaring away.
I shut my eyes and trembled, afraid to open them. Again I was cold, so very cold. I knew deep in my heart that I was back -- back into the vision I had been to once before.
Finally, opening my eyes I saw the same living, pulsating curtain of light. The same overwhelming urge I had felt before pulled at me. The need to allow the light to touch me, to let it ripple over my skin, to allow it to transform me, pulled me to my feet.
Why am I here! Lord, please, I don’t understand. I want to go home! I want my family! I wept silently again. Why am I so afraid?
As my eyes became accustomed to the dark, I looked around me and everything was exactly the same, the identical dark, vast void with the living light falling from unseen heights above, the familiar cold, the hard boulders, and my unchanging fear of going toward that light.
It was like I had never left, and now, resounding deep within my soul, I knew it was my turn to go. But I wasn’t ready! What were the answers? I didn’t have any and I didn’t want to find them this way!
Movement drew my eyes to a small form near the light. I realized it was a small boy drawing close to the transforming, flowing, wall of light. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it might be Matthew. It couldn’t be little Matt, but it was!
“Matthew, Matthew!” I yelled. I heard only silence.
“No,” I screamed, “No, no, no… Matthew!” But those words were only heard in my heart.
Leaping up and going around the boulder, I tried running to him, if running could be done in that dark place. In slow motion, every step agony in the time it took trying to get to him, I ran. I could see him touching it, feeling the light on his soft skin. Tears blurred my vision as I tried to see what was happening. Stopping, I wiped them from my eyes. I could see through the veil of light that my son was changing into a handsome young man, strong, gentle and tall. I stood in awe. My heart was pounding so hard, it hurt. He was beautiful.
Then I saw Sean to my left. At least I think it was him. He stood there like a frozen, cold, stone-hearted statue with the light reflecting off of his emotionless face. Not moving, locked in time.
At that moment, he moved and entered the light. The change was horrifying, the transformation dramatic. I should’ve been prepared for it, but how could I be, really. He hadn’t been an ugly man. In fact, some had considered him quite handsome. Now his flesh was gone as he became stooped and deformed. He was mostly mouth, which shocked me until I realized what it meant. He had been such a selfish and greedy man. His personal appetites had been immeasurable and so self-consuming.
Joining the demonic crowd, he quickly headed toward Matthew, with the crowd of evil creatures following close behind. He looked like he wanted to devour Matthew! I could see him licking his lips and drooling in anticipation.
“No!” I cried deep within my soul. Dread turned my stomach sour. I stood there sick and weak inside. Just as quickly as the sickness came, it was replaced by a steely resolve.
That’s it! I don’t care what happens to me. I will not stay here and let them hurt Matthew!
Instinctively my body jolted into action, without any further thought for myself, I ran toward the flowing waterfall of light.
Drawing near the light, every hair on my body tingled. I shut my eyes, held my breath and plunged into its flow. If I could have inhaled I would have gasped at the power that overwhelmed me, as its light flowed over me and through me. Every cell in my body was lit up with the living light, radiant, exposing the very soul that was me. Nothing was hidden.
Emerging on the other side, I opened my eyes. I hadn’t transformed into a demonic creature, but I hadn’t become an angelic being, either. Instead, I wore a helmet on my head. I had a small shield in my left hand and a large two-edged sword in the right. A blazing breastplate was on my chest and a soft sash around my waist shone with its own living light. I noticed soft leather shoes on my feet as I stood stunned in this new world of color and light.
Coming from a frigid, black, empty void, into this world full of vivid colors, sunlight, and warmth, was like being born again, into life, into reality, into the world of God.
I was standing on a vast expanse of white sand with a soft blue sky overhead. In the distance, on the horizon, far, far away, were the mountains. Tears of joy and excitement slid down my face. I was armed, ready to face anything, and my heart leaped with a new strength within me.
The demonic creatures turned their gaze on me, at first in horror and hate.
“What do you think you’re doing?” one large, ugly creature sneered at me. “Look, a warrior of great renown is in our presence.” It laughed and the rest started to giggle, a sort of hysterical gurgle.
Their contempt stung and hurt me deep within my soul. I faltered a step. I felt ashamed. Raising my sword in defiance to that feeling, I took an offensive step forward.
The creature that had been Sean said, “Come here, Ann. Let me love you, take care of you. I have always loved you. You are mine and I will never let you go! You are nothing without me!”
My heart was beating hard and his words were hurting me, for I did want to be loved and taken care of, but not by him!
I yelled at him, “I don’t want to be loved by you. I never wanted to be loved by you, and you know it!”
“Mom, is that you?” Matthew’s voice spoke gently and sweetly from behind me.
I backed away from the evil crowd, moving toward his voice, keeping my eyes on the creatures in front of me, my sword ready and my small shield feeling quite inadequate.
“Stay behind me, Matt,” I told him firmly.
“What do you think you are going to do… alone? You can’t fight us all!” another creature snarled deep in its throat.
Real laughter welled up from the evil multitude, then abruptly… silence. They stared at me and kept moving silently, with purpose and stealth toward me.
My heart pounded, but I was determined to protect Matthew and anyone else I needed to.
“She’s NOT alone!” a voice shouted to my left.
As I turned I saw a huge warrior coming toward me from the transforming light. She was clad in a helmet with a lion’s crest on it. On her breastplate, etched deeply within, a lion’s head roaring in strength and might. Her shield was huge and elaborately decorated with jewels and gold. Her sword, sash, and shoes were the same as mine.
“Martha,” I said in shock, “is that you?”
“No one else but me, sweetie,” she replied with a huge smile.
More warriors appeared through the living wall, similarly clad. Their shields varied in size and decoration, but everyone was protected with armor and carried huge, double-edged swords.
I looked around me, counting the number of warriors. “There aren’t enough of us to fight them all!” I said to Martha, my voice tinged with dread.
“Don’t forget whose armor we wear, Ann,” she replied proudly. “Remember who has won the right to be our Lord and Savior. Whose name do we call upon when we need help?”
“Jesus,” I said softly to myself. Then I yelled, “Jesus, come quickly! We need you!”
From nowhere and everywhere the light came. All light before it was like a dim candle in comparison. The light was so bright that shadows did not exist. Every feature, nook, and cranny was exposed. Nothing was hidden. Nothing could be hidden.
I couldn’t tell if the light destroyed the demonic crowd or if they fled, but I knew they were gone in an instant. I felt Martha and the others nearby, but I couldn’t see them for the light. Then they were gone. I covered my eyes with my small shield, but the light couldn’t be stopped.
Then, through love and gentleness, the light dimmed enough for me to see
Him. I fell to my knees in awe and worship. For there, in my presence, was the Lord I had come to love, yet He was so much more, my King, my Friend, my God.
He reached down and placed His gentle hand under my chin, raising my face to see His. I saw the love and warmth coming from his eyes that I had longed for all of my life. Oh how I wanted to be loved like this! Tears of joy and gratitude fell from my face.
“Ann, my child, why are you crying? Don’t you KNOW how much I love you?” He asked tenderly, knowingly.
I felt ashamed that I had ever doubted His love for me. Or maybe I should say my worthiness to be loved by Him. But the truth was in His face. He did love me and I was so ready to be loved, really loved. My spirit soared high and my heart sang, really sang, for the first time.
“Why did you ever doubt your worthiness?” He asked. “You should never have been afraid of what was inside of you. Don’t you believe in the blood that I shed for you?” He continued.
“I felt so unworthy and sinful,” I replied.
“Ann, my blood covered your sins and unworthiness. You kept wiping it off to see what was already paid for and holy. You must leave it on and believe in my gift. You must believe the words I left in my book,” He said softly and lovingly.
I’d never felt such joy and happiness. How shallow and foolish I’d been. I knew He was forgiving me even now.
He raised me to my feet. “Ann, see those mountains in the distance?” He asked.
“Yes, Lord,” I answered softly.
“Matthew and the others, whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, are waiting there. Would you like me to take you there?” He offered.
“Oh, yes please, Lord,” I answered, for I wanted to go with Him no matter where it was. But, how could I have forgotten Matthew? I was so surprised that I had, but being with the Lord was all-consuming. A person wouldn’t care about anything else but being with Him.
My aches and pains, doubts and fears were gone, really gone.
We walked along in the sand in quiet comfort, neither one talking for a while, both knowing we loved each other deeply and enjoying our companionship.
After a while, I asked softly, “Lord, can I ask you a question?”
“Just one question Ann?” He said with a knowing smile.
I giggled and basked in the profound contentment of being fully known and understood. “Why do I have armor on and Matthew doesn’t?”
“All children on the Earth, who are too young to accept me as Lord, are received here, complete and whole. I would never turn away a child from my presence,” He answered. “But when they are no longer children and have reached the age of accountability, they are old enough to decide about me. Those who chose me as their Savior are given my armor to protect and equip them for the life they must live there. Do you remember the Bible verses I left in Ephesians 6 about the armor of God?”
I recalled something about a helmet of salvation.
My Lord smiled as He saw the light of knowledge come into my eyes.
“Lord, I can’t remember it all. Would you explain it to me, please?” I asked Him.
With a warm and genuine smile He said, “You are wearing the helmet of salvation I gave you. On your chest is the breastplate of righteousness. And the sash of truth, which shines by its own light, is around your waist. Your feet are shod with the preparation of the gospel. And in your right hand is the sword of my Spirit, and in your left hand you carry your shield of faith.”
“Oh,” I laughed as I looked at the shield, “that explains its size! I guess I haven’t exercised my faith as much as Martha has.”
The laughter from my Lord was like static electricity and a sparkling light show all in one, bright and joyous. I tingled all over, inside and out.
There was no sense of time passing in this place, for it didn’t exist here. When I looked at the scenery next, we were coming to the foothills which lead to the snow-crested mountains. As we walked and talked in the hills, we soon found ourselves in a cathedral of huge redwood trees. Light rays streamed through the foliage and the smell of the forest was intoxicating.
“Lord, may I ask you a deep question?” I asked with a little concern.
“A deep question, Ann?” He asked with love in His eyes, but not a speck of humor reflected there, for I think He knew what I was going to ask.
“Lord, why did Matthew have to die? I know you could have healed him,” I said softly with the first sadness I had experienced in this lovely new world.
“Do you believe I know all things, Ann, the past, present and future?” He asked.
“Yes I do!” I answered with feeling, for I knew He was God.
“Then know that if Matthew had stayed, more harm would have befallen him than needed to. You don’t know what was awaiting him further down his lifeline. Know that it was time for him to come home, my child.”
In stunned silence I pondered His words.
“Do you still think I don’t love you, Ann?” He asked with wisdom in His gaze.
“Oh, no, I do believe it. I feel it. I know it now!” I said truthfully. For here I was in His presence and there was no doubt. Just as there wasn’t a speck of darkness here, I saw the light of truth in all that He said.
“Then know Ann, that I love Matthew just as much, and it was time for him to be here with me,” He said gently.
At last, I was at peace about it. Earth is just a temporary place. None of us can stay there. We will all be traveling to this place someday.
The Lord and I walked on, talking and sharing our hearts. Soon we were walking in the snow on top of a world that was bright, clean, and full of light.
As we walked down the other side into a beautiful meadow with wildflowers blooming everywhere and birch trees swaying in a gentle breeze, I found the courage to ask another deep question. “Lord, why is there so much suffering and hurt on the Earth? Couldn’t you have taken care of it right away and end the evil that exists there?”
At that, such a sad look entered His eyes. He turned to me and held my shoulders in his hands. He looked me in the eyes and asked, “How long is eternity, Ann? Do you know?”
“Oh, it must be forever. It is forever. I guess it’s a very long time… ” I stammered.
“Yes it is my child, and what is a few thousand years compared to eternity? It is being taken care of right away in that sense. And, because of Satan and his followers’ betrayal to our Father and through Him myself, every soul must be tested. Who loves Us enough and who doesn’t is the testing. It is not a testing of what they do, but who they love the most - their Creator or something else.”
“Earth is a testing place, Ann. That is all it is now. And soon it will be over and a new age will begin with all those who love us. And evil will be destroyed forever,” He said with a righteous light in his eyes.
“Oh,” I said in deep thought. It made so much sense. Of course, the life on earth wasn’t everlasting. Eternal life is a gift given by God to His chosen ones, but it was spent here in His love, His light, and His holiness. It seemed so silly to think of Earth as the only thing to exist. Yet when I was there, it was all I could think about and live for, that tiny speck of time which wasn’t forever.
As we strolled farther into the meadow, we walked again in silence, so complete and fulfilling. We didn’t have to speak. It was such a joy to just be there and exist with Him.
Soon, singing grew in my heart. I was full of love and delight at being there with Him. My armor was getting cumbersome, and a strong desire to throw it off and run barefoot in the grass, to be free of the protection He had given me on Earth, began to grow. After all, I didn’t need it anymore. I was there with Him.
“Lord, is it okay if I take my armor off now?” I asked.
“Not yet Ann,” He replied, “the right time has not come.”
Maybe I’ll have to wait until we reach Matthew and the others before I can take it off, I thought. But whatever the reason, I trusted Him. If He wanted me to wear the armor longer
, it was okay with me. I was just so happy to be with Him. Joy seemed a very sad word in comparison to how I felt. It was like I was full of life for the first time, and everything was in living color and alive, really alive.
After a while we came to a small grove of aspen trees, with their little heart-shaped leaves flickering in the breeze. Stopping He asked, “Will you wait for me Ann?”
Thinking that He had something to do and He would be right back I said, “Yes Lord, of course I will.”
Reaching over, He took my shoulders in His hands. Then He looked me in the eyes and said, “Remember that I love you, that I have always loved you, and that I will always love you. I will always be with you.”
Reaching up I hugged Him, and He hugged me back. Oh, what a wonderful feeling to be hugged by the one who gave me life. He smiled such a warm joyous smile. He hugged me once more and without a word walked across the field of flowers to a path leading on into the forest.
I went to the nearest tree and under its shade I watched Him walk away.
At the path that led into the forest, He turned and waved to me and I waved back. Then He was gone, yet I knew He was still with me. How could He not still be with me? He was an intricate part of me.
I sat down in the shade of the aspen trees and closed my eyes to think about His love and to wait for His return.
I slept. At least I think I slept.
Deep Love
ANN OPENED HER eyes. A deep, deep groan grew in her chest. As her eyes filled with tears, she sobbed, “No, no, no,”… deep and low, a heartrending sound. She was back in her room, in the little apartment, cut off from the light and air that is her Lord. Everything seemed so dark and colorless here compared to the world she had just left.
Swinging her legs over the side of the bed she placed her face into her hands, sobbing a little. It broke her heart to be parted from Him, to be away from His presence. She realized now why He hadn’t let her take off her armor. He knew she had to return.
Whether she had come from a dream, vision or a real place didn’t matter at all, for God had taken her there. He had spoken to the depths of her soul. The lessons she had learned there were important and she knew now that she had things here on Earth to finish.
Wiping the tears from her face, Ann got up from her bed, and walked over to her bedroom window.
The stars were fading in the early morning sky. Rays from the rising sun were streaking the soft clouds in a glorious sunrise. The sun, in all its brightness, would soon be rising about the horizon. It wouldn’t be like the light that the Lord gave off, but a dim replica of His light, His glory, and His majesty.
Ann’s heart leaped with joy and awe as she realized that God had made that sun, placed it just where it needed to be, and that it still rotated in the heavens of His creation. That He still gave life to the dust of this earth, and for now, it continued. And most of all, she knew she still had things to do here, a life to fulfill for Him.
Kneeling and resting her arms on the windowsill, she watched the light change as the sun grew closer to the horizon. She knew it would soon be too brilliant to look at.
Ann closed her eyes and whispered to God, “Lord, I choose this day to follow You with all of my heart. The glory of the sun You have set in the sky will remind me now of Your Son’s glory. I will accept Your will for my life because You are God and for no other reason. I will accept the Christian way of life and devote myself to its narrow path. I will not forget how much I love You and how much You love me, indeed how much You love us all.”
Ann raised her head and warm tears of joy and love flooded her heart. For she now knew that faith in her Lord was the bridge from this world to the next, and she would make sure that it grew large and strong.
“Mommy, are you up?” called Marty from outside of her room.
“Yes, sweetie, I’m coming,” Ann responded with a deep love for her daughter, her life, and her God.
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