OPENING HER EYES, Ann tried to figure out where she was. Focusing, she watched the ceiling fan revolve slowly overhead, while soft light filtered into her room from the early morning sun. Her body, drenched in sweat, was cold and clammy even though warm summer breezes blew gently through her open window. Her pounding heart eased as she realized where she was. She was home, in her own room, where she belonged.
She closed her eyes in relief, but the dream or experience, whatever it was, still lingered vividly.
The memory unsettled her. It must have been a dream, she reasoned with soft tears forming in her blue eyes. But what a dream!
The questions she had about herself remained, a fresh wound in her heart and mind. She wanted to know what she was like inside, if she was worthy of God’s love.
But, like everything hard in her life, she didn’t want to deal with it right now. Stretching, she shoved it deep into a corner of her heart.
Yet, set aside and abandoned, the questions lived all the same. The dream gave them substance and they would grow, gently and tenderly. Someday soon, she would have to deal with them.
“Mommy, Mommy,” said little Marty from the hallway, “we’re gonna be late for school!”
Marty, Ann’s precocious six-year-old daughter, was adorned with beautiful green eyes and auburn hair. This lovely child, with a sweet heart and vivacious personality, was the type of daughter any mother could be proud of. Marty lived to give pleasure to all, and to everyone she met, she tried. Little Marty took it upon herself to run the household. This was her way of expressing her love to her mother. Anything that needed to be done she eagerly did it, or at least attempted it.
Marty took care of her three-year-old little brother, Matt. He was a miniature of Marty in every respect, except personality. He was so quiet and serene compared to her outgoing and bubbly nature. Yet, no two children could have been so well match, nor loved each other more.
Marty and Matt were the remnants of a typical American family, now dysfunctional and fractured into pieces by a missing father. Through the hurt, pain, and betrayal of the family members in Ann’s life, her children were the only family she acknowledged.
Her mother, Emma, blamed her for being alone with two small children to raise. It was all Ann’s fault that she couldn’t keep a husband, let alone such a good catch as Sean Henderson had been. He was handsome, had plenty of money, and was in good standing with the community. Sean constantly made Emma feel special when he was around. He had a knack for making women feel special, when he wanted to.
It didn’t matter to Ann’s mother that Sean didn’t come home some nights, which was Ann’s fault, of course. It didn’t matter that he was unfaithful to Ann. It didn’t matter that he had left his family in the dust, pursuing his own selfish passions, which resulted in the divorce. According to Emma, Ann should have been a better wife to him, she should have tried harder, done more, looked the other way. So, as a result, Emma and Sean were now excluded from Ann’s life, and only the children remained.
Ann sighed and jumped out of bed. She glanced at the bedside clock, shocked to see that the time read 8:05AM. The big red numbers on the clock advanced.
It can’t be after eight o’clock already! I’m going to be late for work and dropping the kids off at school! Thank goodness school will be out in a few weeks, she told herself.
Ann giggled as she pictured her daughter standing in the hall, probably with her hands on her hips, and a deep, serious expression dominating her face. We are going to be late for school, echoed in Ann’s mind as she remembered her daughter’s voice. School and daycare, to Marty were the same things. And it was essential that her mommy get them to school on time. It was the most important thing to do, right now, this very moment, no matter what!
Ann ran to the bathroom, splashed water on her face, and ran a quick brush through her mousy brown hair. She was no longer the pretty cheerleader Sean had married. She was a little overweight, but not by much. After two children, running a home and keeping a full-time job, life had taken its toll on her. She didn’t want it to, but it had.
For now, she could skip putting on her makeup. She didn’t have a client until ten o’clock that morning and she could take care of it at the office. Ann felt guilty. She was so disorganized, most of the time.
Always be prepared. Make a list of what you have to get done and follow it. Ann could hear her mother’s commanding words echoing in her head. Ann moaned sadly. Yeah, her mother always told her what to do and how to do it.
Ann grabbed a toothbrush, scrubbing her teeth as she ran to the closet. Boy, if Mom could see me, she’d demand that I use toothpaste. I don’t need it, I don’t have the time, she reasoned. She grabbed the first pantsuit she saw. This’ll do. It’s clean, she reassured herself.
Quickly she dressed, tossing the toothbrush onto the messy bathroom counter, kicking some clothes aside as she ran out of her room thinking, I’ve got to clean this place up. I’ll do it tonight, when I get home.
But she knew she probably wouldn’t. She meant well, but the time just disappeared. Why can’t I find time for myself, and do the things that need to get done? It isn’t fair. Life shouldn’t be like this. But it was.
“Hurry, Mommy!” Marty squeaked in her excitement. “Mrs. Lunden is going to read The Apple and the Bear this morning, and I don’t wanna miss it!”
Matthew stood in the hall, chewing on the toast Marty had given him. One arm in his little red shirt, as the clothing hung lopsided, dragging on the ground, the other hand holding his toast. He looked funny standing there, concentrating on the task at hand, trying to put on his shirt and eat his scant breakfast.
Ann reached down, helped him with his shirt, buttoned it up, and scooped him up in her arms as she grabbed for her purse and keys.
After I drop the kids off, I’ll swing by the doughnut shop for a quick bite, she reasoned. Slow down and don’t rush, she chided as she flew out the door with Matthew tucked in her arms and Marty running on ahead.
Ann managed to get the kids dropped off at the daycare and school, a little late, but safe in the hands of others whose job it was to care for them during the day. She wished she could stay home and take care of them herself. It certainly would be easier to manage a home if she could be a stay-at-home mom, but even when they lived with her ex-husband, he told her she had to work for all the extras he thought they needed.
Now she struggled to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. The small, two-bedroom apartment was so different from the luxurious house on the lake. But the tiny residence was now the only home they had, and she would have to make do.
Her ex-husband had nothing to do with the family, once he left. Ann was tired of waiting for Sean to come through with his child support.
Why should he pay to take care of his kids when he didn’t care about them in the first place? Otherwise, he never would have started up with that woman in our church, of all places. He never gives a thought about what will happen to Marty or Matt. He certainly doesn’t care what happens to me. He doesn’t care if they have enough to eat, clothes to wear, or even a roof over their heads. He just cares about his house, his car, his money, his needs.
Ann slammed the front door of the Mica Peak Real Estate office. It shocked her that she was still so upset after all this time. She shoved her feelings down hard and out of sight. She thought, Just forget it! I don’t need to deal with this! It’s water under the bridge, and that bridge needs to be blown up!
Shelly looked up from her desk with a start. “Look what the cat drug in,” she smirked and gave Ann a warm smile.
Shelly and Ann had been best friends since high school. Today, Shelly was elegantly dressed in a well-tailored pinstriped suit and white silk blouse. Delicate gold jewelry with diamond-like stones adorned her slender throat and ear lobes, her rich brown hair flowed softly over her shoulders, enhancing her tall, slender frame. Shelly was the definitive professional and Ann wished daily that she could be more like her
best friend.
And like a best friend, Shelly had encouraged Ann to study for her real estate license and come work with her. Since Ann’s previous job had been working for Sean in his office, she readily accepted the offer, studied hard, and went to work at the real estate office, soon after the divorce. Now, the two friends worked side by side, supporting each other in work and friendship.
Shelly was married to a wonderful man she had met in college. James Ferguson was a hardworking man, gentle and loving. He was attentive to her every need. What a contrast to Sean. The Fergusons attended the Lakeside Presbyterian Church, and since they weren’t able to have children, they spent as much time as they could in the children’s ministries there. Jim took the youth group on excursions and field trips as often as he could. Both Fergusons tutored children in the evenings at the local library twice a week.
Ann had never met such a kind and gentle soul as Jim, and Shelly was devoted to him. He was the opposite of Sean in every way, and Ann hoped that someday she could meet someone just as special.
Ann huffed and slumped with a thud into her chair, sending it reeling back against the wall.
“Bad night?” asked Shelly with a surprised look on her face.
“It was one of the worst,” Ann said with too much emotion, remembering the dream from last night.
“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Shelly.
“No, not right now, Shell. I’ll tell you about it later, if that’s okay,” Ann responded wearily.
Ann felt the dream was too personal and deep to share it with anyone, just yet. She couldn’t make sense of it herself, so how could she explain it? Maybe Pastor Henry would be able to help. But Ann wasn’t sure she could relate it to him, either. He would probably chalk it up to her overactive imagination and her pent-up emotions about Sean and her controlling mother.
Shelly looked at the clock on the wall. “You’d better hurry. The Colesons will be here any minute and you don’t have your face on yet.”
Ann dragged the spare makeup bag out of her desk drawer, made a face at Shelly and tried to frown with a twinkle in her eye as she grumbled, “Slave driver!”
She rushed into the restroom to finish getting ready to face the day.
I need to make more time in the morning to do this. Shelly’s so nicely dressed and ready to work when she gets here. I need to be more professional. After all, this is my life now, and I need to make the best of it. It’s the only income I can depend on.
The Colesons were a sweet, elderly couple. They were looking to downsize their large home in the nearby town of Valleyford for a retirement condo, hopefully on a golf course in the area. Mr. Coleson was a retired medical equipment salesman and he just loved to golf. Golf was his passion. All his spare time and vacations were spent on a golf course somewhere, with or without his wife. Mrs. Coleson had been a librarian for twenty years and felt that Mr. Coleson’s obsession with golf was excessive, expensive, and amounted to just plain abandonment. But what could she do? She loved him unconditionally, at least she tried to. They had a large, extended family living in the area, so Ann was requested to find a home nearby.
Ann was good at selling real estate. She liked looking at homes, old or new. Every new listing was an adventure for her. She loved looking at the rooms and the layout of the property. She always imagined herself in each home and thought about what she could do to the place if she lived there. But her favorite listings were the old homes - the older the better - especially if they had been estates at one time. Her imagination would take her into the past, thinking about the people who had lived there and what their lives might have been like. She imagined herself in the house, pretending to be the mistress. This was Ann’s favorite escape. Temporarily, with the current problems of her life gone, she could be anyone she wished to be. It felt good to be in another place for a while and to own something that wasn’t a small, two-bedroom apartment or the broken-down old trailer that she had grown up in. Daydreams can make you feel special and happy for a while.
However, Ann had a reserve around her clients that impaired her salesmanship. Her emotional fortress was unassailable. She was protected and sheltered behind the hard walls of her heart and she didn’t venture past them very often. The long years of poverty and emotional trauma she had grown up in had started those walls, but Sean’s betrayal and neglect had made them tall and firm.
Through her emotional reserve, she couldn’t relate to the needs of her clients at all, not like Shelly. Shelly loved people. You could tell. She asked the right questions and took the extra time to know them. She relished doing the extra things that made her special to them. Shelly was happy, outgoing, admired and well-liked by all who knew her. Ann was withdrawn, generally excluded, and walled off by the emotions that protected her. Ann and Shelly were like salt and pepper, white and black, day and night. They were opposites, but they complemented each other quite well.
As Ann started to relax and get ready for her ten o’clock appointment with the Colesons, the memory of that vivid dream returned. Images of what her friends and family might look like paraded through her mind. She shook her head to dispel them, trying to focus on the tasks at hand. But, when the Colesons came into the office, Ann thought again about the curtain of light. She had an image of the two elderly people transforming through the light, becoming deformed and ugly. Not liking that image at all, she tried to think about them as angelic. She couldn’t help giggling to herself.
This is nuts! Cut it out and concentrate on your work.
But as the day progressed, she kept imagining the outcome of the curtain of light on just about everyone she saw. By the end of the day, exhausted from trying not to think about it, she was a little short with the children when she picked them up that afternoon.
“What’s wrong, Mommy? Did I do something?” asked Marty with concern as they drove home.
“No! No… I’m just tired, sweetie,” answered Ann with regret. After all, this had nothing to do with the children. She had to be more careful.
“How was school today?” she asked no one in particular.
The children chattered away about school, what they did and what they had learned. Little Johnny Tucker had tried to take Matt’s favorite toy away at the daycare center and he told his mommy how he had heroically protected it until Miss Jenkins took it away from both of them and put it high on top of the bookcase.
“It was mine,” he cried in injured pride. “I had it first!”
“Little man, you need to learn to share more,” his mother responded. “You know it’s the right thing to do, don’t you? After all, you would want him to share with you, wouldn’t you?” she asked.
Matt sat in the back seat, not saying a word with a big, indignant frown on his face. I had it first, was flashing from his eyes.
Marty chatted on about her teacher, Mrs. Lunden, and how she loved the reading hour at school. She was the best reader in her class, Mrs. Lunden had said so.
Ann pulled into her parking spot at the Crestview Apartments. The carport, which was open on all sides with small metal columns supporting a flat roof, provided little to no shelter. The building was a small, two-story complex with only a dozen units surrounded by a thin strip of lawn and bushes. The grounds were barely kept up, looking more threadbare than tidy. The complex needed a good coat of paint, and if the windows were ever washed, which wasn’t likely, it would probably result in the collapse of the whole building.
The children flew out of the car and raced up the stairs to the front door of their corner apartment. Rather, Marty ran and Matthew followed as fast as his little legs could manage. Ann smiled with delight as she watched the race. She told them to be careful as she locked the car.
As the children played on the platform, she pulled open the screened door, unlocked the front door, and walked into the stuffy residence, leaving the front door wide open. All the windows were opened, letting in what breeze there was. On went the ceiling fans.
Ann went in
to the kitchen, and opened the cupboards to see what she could find for dinner.
“Can I help, Mommy?” asked Marty.
“Sure. Would you set the table, please?” Ann responded.
“’K…,” Marty replied.
She’s always so helpful, Ann thought with a warm smile.
“Would you make some toast too? We’re going to have chili and toast tonight.”
“Uh huh” Marty said, mumbling as she tried to put a glass on the table in front of the knife and spoon. She had placed three plates on the table with a fork on the left of each plate and a knife and spoon on the right.
She’s going to make someone a wonderful wife, Ann laughed to herself. The can of chili was opened and dumped into the saucepan on the stove. It’s not going to take long to heat this up, she thought happily.
“I can do the toast for you, if you want me to,” Ann informed Marty.
“No, I kin do it!” Marty replied as she sped up the setting of the table so she could do the toast.
Ann poured milk into glasses for the children and iced tea for herself. Relaxing, doing the mundane things of life, like making dinner, a thought put its icy hand on her heart.
What if I have that dream again tonight? I don’t want to go there again!
With her thudding heart, she broke out into a cold sweat and tried to stuff the fear down hard, out of sight, as she focused on feeding the children.
This is going to be a long night, she thought dreading the time to come.
When dinner was over, Ann placed a movie into the DVD player. Friday nights were movie nights for the small family. They always made popcorn and sat in front of the small TV, entertained until it was time for bed. But this night, Ann didn’t join them.
Suddenly, the apartment needed to be cleaned. She vacuumed, scrubbed and even reorganized her bathroom, keeping herself busy. By the time she went to bed very late that night, she fell exhausted into bed and slept dreamlessly until morning.
Emma’s Choice
EMMA WESLEY, ANN’S mother, is a strong and domineering woman. She knows what she wants out of life and will strive to get it, no matter what the cost. She’s bound and determined nothing is going to stop her from fulfilling her dreams and the dreams she has for Ann. No matter whom she hurts, what it costs, or how it needs to be accomplished, she’ll see that it gets done. After all, she knows what’s best. She always knows.
* * * *