CHAPTER FOUR
The sight was a fair crumpler after the outrageous slander that hadbeen put upon me by this elderly inebriate and his accomplice. I satup at once, prepared to bully him down a bit. Although I was not surethat I engaged his attention, I told him that his reading could bevery well done without and that he might take himself off. At this hebecame silent and regarded me solemnly.
"Why did Charing Cross the Strand? Because three rousing cheers," saidhe.
Of course he had the wheeze all wrong and I saw that he should be inbed. So with gentle words I lured him to his own chamber. Here, with aquite unexpected perversity, he accused me of having kept him up thenight long and begged now to be allowed to retire. This he did withmuttered complaints of my behaviour, and was almost instantly asleep.I concealed the constable's cap in one of his boxes, for I feared thathe had not come by this honestly. I then returned to my own room,where for a long time I meditated profoundly upon the situation thatnow confronted me.
It seemed probable that I should be shopped by Mrs. Effie for what shehad been led to believe was my rowdyish behaviour. However dastardlythe injustice to me, it was a solution of the problem that I saw Icould bring myself to meet with considerable philosophy. It meant areturn to the quiet service of the Honourable George and that I needno longer face the distressing vicissitudes of life in the back blocksof unexplored America. I would not be obliged to muddle along in theblind fashion of the last two days, feeling a frightful fool. Mrs.Effie would surely not keep me on, and that was all about it. I hadmerely to make no defence of myself. And even if I chose to make one Iwas not certain that she would believe me, so cunning had been theaccusations against me, with that tiny thread of fact which I make nodoubt has so often enabled historians to give a false colouring totheir recitals without stating downright untruths. Indeed, myshameless appearance in the garb of a cow person would alone have castdoubt upon the truth as I knew it to be.
Then suddenly I suffered an illumination. I perceived all at once thatto make any sort of defence of myself would not be cricket. I mean tosay, I saw the proceedings of the previous day in a new light. It iswell known that I do not hold with the abuse of alcoholic stimulants,and yet on the day before, in moments that I now confess to have beenslightly elevated, I had been conscious of a certain feeling offellowship with my two companions that was rather wonderful. Thoughobviously they were not university men, they seemed to belong to whatin America would be called the landed gentry, and yet I had feltmyself on terms of undoubted equality with them. It may be believed ornot, but there had been brief spaces when I forgot that I was agentleman's man. Astoundingly I had experienced the confident ease ofa gentleman among his equals. I was obliged to admit now that thismight have been a mere delusion of the cup, and yet I wondered, too,if perchance I might not have caught something of that American spiritof equality which is said to be peculiar to republics. Needless to sayI had never believed in the existence of this spirit, but hadconsidered it rather a ghastly jest, having been a reader of our ownperiodical press since earliest youth. I mean to say, there couldhardly be a stable society in which one had no superiors, because inthat case one would not know who were one's inferiors. Nevertheless, Irepeat that I had felt a most novel enlargement of myself; had, infact, felt that I was a gentleman among gentlemen, using the word inits strictly technical sense. And so vividly did this convictionremain with me that I now saw any defence of my course to be out ofthe question.
I perceived that my companions had meant to have me on toast from thefirst. I mean to say, they had started a rag with me--a bit ofchaff--and I now found myself rather preposterously enjoying themanner in which they had chivied me. I mean to say, I felt myselftaking it as one gentleman would take a rag from other gentlemen--notas a bit of a sneak who would tell the truth to save his face. Acouple of chaffing old beggars they were, but they had found me atopping dead sportsman of their own sort. Be it remembered I was stilluncertain whether I had caught something of that alleged Americanspirit, or whether the drink had made me feel equal at least toAmericans. Whatever it might be, it was rather great, and I wasprepared to face Mrs. Effie without a tremor--to face her, of course,as one overtaken by a weakness for spirits.
When the bell at last rang I donned my service coat and, assuming alook of profound remorse, I went to the drawing-room to serve themorning coffee. As I suspected, only Mrs. Effie was present. I believeit has been before remarked that she is a person of commandingpresence, with a manner of marked determination. She favoured me witha brief but chilling glance, and for some moments thereafter affectedquite to ignore me. Obviously she had been completely greened thenight before and was treating me with a proper contempt. I saw that itwas no use grousing at fate and that it was better for me not to gointo the American wilderness, since a rolling stone gathers no moss. Iwas prepared to accept instant dismissal without a character.
She began upon me, however, after her first cup of coffee, more mildlythan I had expected.
"Ruggles, I'm horribly disappointed in you."
"Not more so than I myself, Madam," I replied.
"I am more disappointed," she continued, "because I felt that CousinEgbert had something in him----"
"Something in him, yes, Madam," I murmured sympathetically.
"And that you were the man to bring it out. I was quite hopeful afteryou got him into those new clothes. I don't believe any one else couldhave done it. And now it turns out that you have this weakness fordrink. Not only that, but you have a mania for insisting that othermen drink with you. Think of those two poor fellows trailing you overParis yesterday trying to save you from yourself."
"I shall never forget it, Madam," I said.
"Of course I don't believe that Jeff Tuttle always has to have itforced on him. Jeff Tuttle is an Indian. But Cousin Egbert isdifferent. You tore him away from that art gallery where he wasimproving his mind, and led him into places that must have beendisgusting to him. All he wanted was to study the world's masterpiecesin canvas and marble, yet you put a cabman's hat on him and made himride an antelope, or whatever the thing was. I can't think where yougot such ideas."
"I was not myself. I can only say that I seemed to be subject to anattack." And the Tuttle person was one of their Indians! Thisexplained so much about him.
"You don't look like a periodical souse," she remarked.
"Quite so, Madam."
"But you must be a wonder when you do start. The point is: am I doingright to intrust Cousin Egbert to you again?"
"Quite so, Madam."
"It seems doubtful if you are the person to develop his highernature."
Against my better judgment I here felt obliged to protest that I hadalways been given the highest character for quietness and generalbehaviour and that I could safely promise that I should be guilty ofno further lapses of this kind. Frankly, I was wishing to be shopped,and yet I could not resist making this mild defence of myself. Such Ihave found to be the way of human nature. To my surprise I found thatMrs. Effie was more than half persuaded by these words and was on thepoint of giving me another trial. I cannot say that I was delighted atthis. I was ready to give up all Americans as problems one too manyfor me, and yet I was strangely a little warmed at thinking I mightnot have seen the last of Cousin Egbert, whom I had just given atuckup.
"You shall have your chance," she said at last, "and just to show youthat I'm not narrow, you can go over to the sideboard there and pouryourself out a little one. It ought to be a lifesaver to you, feelingthe way you must this morning."
"Thank you, Madam," and I did as she suggested. I was feelingespecially fit, but I knew that I ought to play in character, as onemight say.
"Three rousing cheers!" I said, having gathered the previous day thatthis was a popular American toast. She stared at me rather oddly, butmade no comment other than to announce her departure on a shoppingtour. Her bonnet, I noted, was quite wrong. Too extremely modish itwas, accenting its own lines at the expense of a face to which less
attention should have been called. This is a mistake common to thesex, however. They little dream how sadly they mock and betray theirown faces. Nothing I think is more pathetic than their trustfulunconsciousness of the tragedy--the rather plainish face under thecontemptuous structure that points to it and shrieks derision. Therather plain woman who knows what to put upon her head is a woman ofgenius. I have seen three, perhaps.
I now went to the room of Cousin Egbert. I found him awake andcheerful, but disinclined to arise. It was hard for me to realize thathis simple, kindly face could mask the guile he had displayed thenight before. He showed no sign of regret for the false light in whichhe had placed me. Indeed he was sitting up in bed as cheerful andindependent as if he had paid two-pence for a park chair.
"I fancy," he began, "that we ought to spend a peaceful day indoors.The trouble with these foreign parts is that they don't have enoughhome life. If it isn't one thing it's another."
"Sometimes it's both, sir," I said, and he saw at once that I was notto be wheedled. Thereupon he grinned brazenly at me, and demanded:
"What did she say?"
"Well, sir," I said, "she was highly indignant at me for taking youand Mr. Tuttle into public houses and forcing you to drink liquor, butshe was good enough, after I had expressed my great regret andpromised to do better in the future, to promise that I should haveanother chance. It was more than I could have hoped, sir, after theoutrageous manner in which I behaved."
He grinned again at this, and in spite of my resentment I found myselfgrinning with him. I am aware that this was a most undignifiedsubmission to the injustice he had put upon me, and it was far fromthe line of stern rebuke that I had fully meant to adopt with him, butthere seemed no other way. I mean to say, I couldn't help it.
"I'm glad to hear you talk that way," he said. "It shows you may havesomething in you after all. What you want to do is to learn to say no.Then you won't be so much trouble to those who have to look afteryou."
"Yes, sir," I said, "I shall try, sir."
"Then I'll give you another chance," he said sternly.
I mean to say, it was all spoofing, the way we talked. I am certain heknew it as well as I did, and I am sure we both enjoyed it. I am notone of those who think it shows a lack of dignity to unbend in thismanner on occasion. True, it is not with every one I could afford todo so, but Cousin Egbert seemed to be an exception to almost everyrule of conduct.
At his earnest request I now procured for him another carafe of icedwater (he seemed already to have consumed two of these), after whichhe suggested that I read to him. The book he had was the well-knownstory, "Robinson Crusoe," and I began a chapter which describes someof the hero's adventures on his lonely island.
Cousin Egbert, I was glad to note, was soon sleeping soundly, so Ileft him and retired to my own room for a bit of needed rest. Thestory of "Robinson Crusoe" is one in which many interesting facts areconveyed regarding life upon remote islands where there arepractically no modern conveniences and one is put to all sorts ofcrude makeshifts, but for me the narrative contains too littledialogue.
For the remainder of the day I was left to myself, a period of peacethat I found most welcome. Not until evening did I meet any of thefamily except Cousin Egbert, who partook of some light nourishmentlate in the afternoon. Then it was that Mrs. Effie summoned me whenshe had dressed for dinner, to say:
"We are sailing for home the day after to-morrow. See that CousinEgbert has everything he needs."
The following day was a busy one, for there were many boxes to bepacked against the morrow's sailing, and much shopping to do forCousin Egbert, although he was much against this.
"It's all nonsense," he insisted, "her saying all that truck helps to'finish' me. Look at me! I've been in Europe darned near four monthsand I can't see that I'm a lick more finished than when I left RedGap. Of course it may show on me so other people can see it, but Idon't believe it does, at that." Nevertheless, I bought him no end ofsuits and smart haberdashery.
When the last box had been strapped I hastened to our old lodgings onthe chance of seeing the Honourable George once more. I found himdejectedly studying an ancient copy of the "Referee." Too evidently hehad dined that night in a costume which would, I am sure, haveoffended even Cousin Egbert. Above his dress trousers he wore agolfing waistcoat and a shooting jacket. However, I could not allowmyself to be distressed by this. Indeed, I knew that worse would come.I forebore to comment upon the extraordinary choice of garments he hadmade. I knew it was quite useless. From any word that he let fallduring our chat, he might have supposed himself to be dressed as anEnglish gentleman should be.
He bade me seat myself, and for some time we smoked our pipes in afriendly silence. I had feared that, as on the last occasion, he wouldrow me for having deserted him, but he no longer seemed to harbourthis unjust thought. We spoke of America, and I suggested that hemight some time come out to shoot big game along the Ohio or theMississippi. He replied moodily, after a long interval, that if heever did come out it would be to set up a cattle plantation. It wasrather agreed that he would come should I send for him. "Can't sitaround forever waiting for old Nevil's toast crumbs," said he.
We chatted for a time of home politics, which was, of course, in awretched state. There was a time when we might both have been won to asane and reasoned liberalism, but the present so-called government wascoming it a bit too thick for us. We said some sharp things about thelittle Welsh attorney who was beginning to be England's humiliation.Then it was time for me to go.
The moment was rather awkward, for the Honourable George, to my greatembarrassment, pressed upon me his dispatch-case, one that we hadcarried during all our travels and into which tidily fitted a quartflask. Brandy we usually carried in it. I managed to accept it with aword of thanks, and then amazingly he shook hands twice with me as wesaid good-night. I had never dreamed he could be so greatly affected.Indeed, I had always supposed that there was nothing of thesentimentalist about him.
So the Honourable George and I were definitely apart for the firsttime in our lives.
It was with mingled emotions that I set sail next day for the foreignland to which I had been exiled by a turn of the cards. Not only was Ioff to a wilderness where a life of daily adventure was the normallife, but I was to mingle with foreigners who promised to be quitealmost impossibly queer, if the family of Flouds could be taken as asample of the native American--knowing Indians like the Tuttle person;that sort of thing. If some would be less queer, others would be evenmore queer, with queerness of a sort to tax even my _savoirfaire_, something which had been sorely taxed, I need hardly say,since that fatal evening when the Honourable George's intuitions hadplayed him false in the game of drawing poker. I was not the first ofmy countrymen, however, to find himself in desperate straits, and Iresolved to behave as England expects us to.
I have said that I was viewing the prospect with mingled emotions.Before we had been out many hours they became so mingled that, havingcrossed the Channel many times, I could no longer pretend to ignoretheir true nature. For three days I was at the mercy of the elements,and it was then I discovered a certain hardness in the nature ofCousin Egbert which I had not before suspected. It was only byspeaking in the sharpest manner to him that I was able to secure thenursing my condition demanded. I made no doubt he would actually haveleft me to the care of a steward had I not been firm with him. I haveknown him leave my bedside for an hour at a time when it seemedprobable that I would pass away at any moment. And more than once,when I summoned him in the night to administer one of the remedieswith which I had provided myself, or perhaps to question him if theship were out of danger, he exhibited something very like irritation.Indeed he was never properly impressed by my suffering, and at timeswhen he would answer my call it was plain to be seen that he had beenpassing idle moments in the smoke-room or elsewhere, quite as if thesituation were an ordinary one.
It is only fair to say, however, that toward the end of my long andinteresting illness I had q
uite broken his spirit and brought him tobe as attentive as even I could wish. By the time I was able with hisassistance to go upon deck again he was bringing me nutritive winesand jellies without being told, and so attentive did he remain thatI overheard a fellow-passenger address him as Florence Nightingale.I also overheard the Senator tell him that I had got his sheep,whatever that may have meant--a sheep or a goat--some domestic animal.Yet with all his willingness he was clumsy in his handling of me; heseemed to take nothing with any proper seriousness, and in spite of mysharpest warning he would never wear the proper clothes, so that Ialways felt he was attracting undue attention to us. Indeed, I shouldhardly care to cross with him again, and this I told him straight.
Of the so-called joys of ship-life, concerning which the boatcompanies speak so enthusiastically in their folders, the less saidthe better. It is a childish mind, I think, that can be impressed bythe mere wabbly bulk of water. It is undoubtedly tremendous, butnothing to kick up such a row about. The truth is that the prospectfrom a ship's deck lacks that variety which one may enjoy from almostany English hillside. One sees merely water, and that's all about it.
It will be understood, therefore, that I hailed our approach to theshores of foreign America with relief if not with enthusiasm. Eventhis was better than an ocean which has only size in its favour andhas been quite too foolishly overrated.
We were soon steaming into the harbour of one of their large cities.Chicago, I had fancied it to be, until the chance remark of anAmerican who looked to be a well-informed fellow identified it as NewYork. I was much annoyed now at the behaviour of Cousin Egbert, whoburst into silly cheers at the slightest excuse, a passing steamer, agreen hill, or a rusty statue of quite ungainly height which seemed tobe made of crude iron. Do as I would, I could not restrain him fromthese unseemly shouts. I could not help contrasting his boisterousnesswith the fine reserve which, for example, the Honourable George wouldhave maintained under these circumstances.
A further relief it was, therefore, when we were on the dock and hismind was diverted to other matters. A long time we were detained bycustoms officials who seemed rather overwhelmed by the gowns andmillinery of Mrs. Effie, but we were at last free and taken throughthe streets of the crude new American city of New York to a hoteloverlooking what I dare say in their simplicity they call their HydePark.