CHAPTER XVII
WHY JANE SHOULD HAVE BELIEVED
THE Sunshine Nurse was long in seeking sleep that night and early torise the next morning. She found herself suddenly metamorphosed--facinga new world--two worlds in fact. There was the world of Lorenzo'sactually loving her, which was a dream from which she would surelyawaken, and then there was that second world of wonder, the world of herown teaching, a world in which she started, big-eyed, at all in whichshe had trusted, and wondered if it could be possible that what shebelieved firmly and preached so ardently was really true. "It isn'tsetting limits to face what must be," she said over and over to herself,"and I _must_ pay poor father's debts, and there is no possible way forme to get the money except to earn it bit by bit." The statement hadgone to bed with her, and it rose with her when she rose; it lookedindisputable, incontrovertible, as all fixed statements have a way oflooking--and yet each time that she made it she felt hot with guilt."It's setting limits," cried her soul, "it's saying that God can'tpossibly do what He pleases," and, as she listened to the strong,heaven-sent cry of rebellion against petty earthly laws, she struggledin the meshes of her own old earlier learning, the "old garment" whichclings so close about us all, and which we simply must discard before wecan don the new robe of Infinite Hope and Radiant Belief in God's law ofOnly Good for Each and Every One.
Jane always rose an hour before her aunt. The hour was spent in openingwindows, brushing up and building the kitchen fire. It was always apleasant hour, for she usually filled it to the brim with work well doneand thoughts sent strongly and happily out over the coming time. Butto-day all this was changed; new thoughts rioted forth on every side,and a sort of chaos took the place of her usually sunny calm. This riotand chaos is the common, logical outcome of all who feel sure that theyare wiser than God. You cannot possibly set any border to His Kingdomand then be happy in that outer darkness which you have deliberatelychosen for your own part. As well ask a cow to shut herself out of herpasture and rest happy in the waste beyond. "I mustn't think, because itis none of it for me--" she repeated over and over, much as if theaforesaid cow declared, "I am barred out--I can never get back--I muststarve contentedly." Jane--who would have laughed at my illustrationquite as you have laughed yourself--saw only distress in her own, andhad to wink away so many tears that finally in maddest self-defense sherushed out doors and fled to the little garden that had, through so manyyears, been Susan's refuge in such a droll way.
And Lorenzo was there!
He looked very blithe and happy. "Well," he said, "have you thought itover and decided that you're right, after all?"
She was panting, and surprise flooded her face with color. "Oh--" shegasped, "oh!" and then: "Right--of course I'm right!"
He approached, his hand extended. "Right in believing, or right inmistrusting?"
She gave him her hand, and he took it. "Don't put it that way," shesaid; "it isn't that way."
"But, dear Jane, that's the only way to put it. It's the way you've beenteaching us. Either we can look up and ahead confidently, or you're allwrong. I can't believe that you're ever even a little bit wrong, so I'mgoing to believe that it's all true."
"No, no--it isn't--I mean--Oh, in my case, it can't be so. Everythingthat I said was true, only I myself am meant to--to work--not to--tomarry. It's a kind of pledge I've taken to myself. It doesn't change theteaching." Then she dragged her hand free.
Lorenzo smiled. "You can't tell me any of that. I know. I'm the happiestman in the world." Then he went on, taking up the rake and scratching alittle here and there: "Like other pupils, I've surpassed my teacher.You've preached, and I practice; you can describe God's thoughts, and Ithink them. You're sure that He can do anything, and I know what He'sgoing to do. I've been let straight into one of His secrets. It's beenrevealed to me how the world is run."
Jane stared. "How can you talk so?"
"I talk so because I know so. Everything's coming right for you."
"You're crazy," she tried to laugh.
"I've heard people say that of you. Not that it matters."
She stood watching him and considering his words. "I wouldn't let yougive me the money to straighten out my father's affairs, even if youwere ever so rich, you know," she said slowly. "I couldn't."
"I know it."
"And I wouldn't let Auntie pay the debts."
"I know. God doesn't require either your aunt's help or mine in thismatter."
Jane's eyes moistened slightly. "Please don't make a joke of anything sohard and sad."
"I'm not joking; I'm a veritable apostle of joy. I'm as happy as I canbe."
She looked at him with real wonder because his appearance certainly boreout his words. "I wish that I knew what you meant."
He dropped the rake, came to her side, and caught her hand. "Can't youtrust God--can't you trust me?--won't you try?"
She looked up into his face. "I wish that I could, but how can I?"
"You ought to know. So deep and big and true a nature. Surely you oughtto be able to understand your own teaching!"
"But I can't see any way."
"Your book says that one must not think of ways; one must just lookstraight to the good end."
"Oh, but there isn't any such end possible for me."
Lorenzo dropped her hand and laughed out loud. And then he caught her inhis arms and kissed her.
She screamed. To her it was the greatest shock of her life, for no manhad ever kissed her before. "Oh--oh, mercy!"
Matters were not helped much by Susan's looking over the fence just thenand crying out abruptly: "Well, I declare!"
"Mrs. Ralston," said Lorenzo, not even blushing, "you're the very personwe need this minute. I want to marry Jane, and she won't hear to itbecause of her father's debts. The debts are all right and everything'sall right, only she won't believe it. I wish you'd climb the fence andhelp me persuade her, for although I _know_ she'll end by marrying me,I've just set my heart on converting her to her own religion first."
Susan swung easily over the fence. "You're just right, Mr. Rath, youought to marry her. She's the nicest person to have around the housethat I ever saw; she's far too good to be a nurse. How much did yourfather owe, you Sunshine Jane, you? Maybe I can pay it. I will if Ican."
"There," said Lorenzo; "see how easy it is to evolve money if you'd onlytrust a little?"
Jane looked at him and then at Susan. "I couldn't take your money,Auntie," said she, quite gently, but quite firmly. "And then, too," sheadded, with her roguish smile, "you've left it to Aunt Matilda."
"Yes, but dear," Susan's face became suddenly radiant, "you know I'vebeen working your religion on her; maybe she isn't coming back at all;maybe something will happen; maybe she's going to be drowned orsomething like that in some perfectly right way."
"No," said Lorenzo soberly. "It isn't necessary to plan as to God'sbusiness at all. He knows. I don't think that Jane ought to takeanybody's money; she ought to pay the debts with her own money, but Ican't see why she can't trust and know it's coming."
"Because there's no place for it to come from," said Jane firmly.
"Unless Matilda--" Susan interposed.
"I believe I'm better at her religion than she is herself," saidLorenzo. "I declare, I believe that there's nothing that I can't getnow. I wanted a house, and I worked just as the book said! I saw myselfliving cosily alone, and in less than a week I was living cosily alone.Now I want Jane with me in the house, and I mean to have her, and Ishall have her, and there's no doubt about that; but I do wish--with allmy heart--that she could rise to a higher plane."
"If that's all, I know how to manage that easily enough," said Susan."We could get old Mr. Cattermole in for a week and raise Jane's planewith him, just like she raised mine with Mrs. Croft."
"Oh, she'll rise," said her lover quietly. "We must give her time andhelp her, that's all."
Jane stood doubting between them. Her aunt regarded her wistfully. "Dearme," she said, "I wonder if I could screw myself
up to believing she'llcome in for a fortune. I want to help, but I'm a little like her--Ican't for the life of me see where it's to come from."
"But that isn't the question at all," said Lorenzo, "the question isn'thow--the question is just the faith. Why, it's the corner-stone of thewhole thing! It's the moving into God's world where nothing but good canbe, and you know you're there because you see only good coming in alldirections! Just good--nothing but good! I don't see why Jane holds backso. I know that she can get that money and get every other thing shewants in life, including me, and I'm one of the nicest fellows alive--"
"That's so--" interposed Susan.
"If she'll only put out her hand with confidence. I've studied that booktill I'm full of it, and I know that I'm going to have her for my wife,and I know it absolutely, and I want her to know it, too."
Susan began to get back over the fence. "I'm going in about breakfast,"she said; "the trouble with us is we all need hot coffee to brace up oursouls."
"Keep on declaring the truth," Lorenzo reminded her, as she walked offupon the other side.
"I will. I'll say 'Jane is going to get some money' and 'Matilda doesn'twant to come home to live,' alternately."
When she was out of hearing the two young people remained silent for afew seconds. Then the man spoke.
"Dear," his voice was very gentle, "I want to tell you something. I'vehad a very great experience in the last twenty-four hours. It isn'tloving you--it's that I've been allowed to see a little bit of life fromGod's standpoint. Don't you want to know the real truth about all this?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to tell you, because you'll see the lesson and learn it withme. We don't doubt that God knows all that has been or is to be, dowe?--or that in our minutes of fiercest pain or trouble He looks calmlyto the end beyond?"
She shook her head. "No, of course not."
"Well, dearest girl, I was allowed last night to put myself in theDeity's place and see one corner of the universe as He must see thewhole."
Her eyes grew big. "What do you mean?"
"I mean this. I want you, and I understand perfectly about the money. Isat down last night and I labored with myself until I made myself _know_that it was yours. I can't tell you just how it came to me, but I knewit. It is yours and yours absolutely, and now I want you to realize itand believe in it without question, before I give it to you. Will you dothat? I'm asking of you the faith that Jesus preached. Can you believe?"
Jane looked at him wonderingly. "You mean--"
"I mean just what I say."
"I can't receive money from you."
"It isn't my money."
"I don't understand. I only know that there is no way that I can get themoney."
Lorenzo looked at her a minute, and then said slowly and very gently:"I've found Mrs. Croft's will. She left all that she had to whoever tookcare of her the night she died. It appears that she had a good deal morethan any one supposed. It's all yours, dear. Now you see why you shouldhave trusted."