Do I? My thoughts go to my cantankerous mother, my late-onset gay dad, my troublesome daughter, my idle son, my grumpy husband and I realise that, despite everything, I do love them all. They are my world.
‘I hope you work it out,’ I say to Robin.
‘Me too.’ He nods his head towards the windows and paints a smile on his face. ‘Shall I make a start on the reindeer?’
‘That sounds like an excellent idea.’ I’d rather Robin risk life and limb to do the window display than me.
I carry on decorating the tree but, out of the corner of my eye, I watch him clamber over the desks and fuss with putting the reindeer in an arc across the large expanse of glass.
He turns back to me, red-faced with exertion. ‘Look good, Juliet?’
‘Looks great.’
He gives me the thumbs-up and titivates the reindeer some more. His jollity is forced, and I wonder if he thinks he’s said too much. I get a lump in my throat when I realise that, for all his wealth, his good looks and his charm, Robin Westcroft is lonely.
Chapter Fourteen
‘Come on, Chloe,’ I shout up the stairs. ‘Hurry up or we’ll miss the switching on of the lights.’
‘What lights?’ Mum asks.
‘The Christmas lights in the High Street,’ I explain for the third time.
We’re all going to see the turning on of the Christmas lights in Stony Stratford High Street. It’s something we’ve done as a family for years now and signals, for me, the start of the festive season in earnest.
‘Is that why I’ve got my coat on?’
‘Yes, Mum. We’ve done it for years.’
‘Have we?’ She looks round, baffled. ‘I’d rather be watching Emmerdale.’
‘Emmerdale isn’t on today. This’ll be fun. You’ll enjoy it.’
‘If that girl’s not down here in two minutes,’ Rick grumbles, ‘we’re going without her.’
The rest of us are ready. Even Tom’s coming along with us today, which is lovely as his attendance at family events is somewhat sporadic these days. Dad and Samuel are going to be there too, and they’re meeting us in the Market Place by the library. Merak will also be joining us. This is his first year in England, his first British Christmas, and I thought he might find it fun. I don’t know what they do in Poland, but I don’t want him feeling left out. As usual, he’s arrived spot on time. Only Buster is staying behind and, because he senses his impending abandonment, the dog’s distressed and is whining pathetically. Feeling guilty, I give him tomorrow’s chocolate from the advent calendar to placate him. And to anyone who says that dogs aren’t supposed to have chocolate, Buster has been happily gorging himself on it since he was a puppy and at thirteen years old, I don’t think he’d be happy to stop now. Much like myself.
Eventually, Chloe comes down the stairs with Jaden, who’s all wrapped up as if he’s going on an Arctic expedition, bless him. His big blue eyes look out from between a bobble hat and a scarf that looks like it might be strangling him. He’s in more danger of overheating in that lot than he is of freezing. ‘Let’s go then,’ she says.
Surreptitiously, I loosen Jaden’s scarf as I organise him into his buggy and we all set off for the short walk to the centre of town. I take the pram and Chloe links her arm through her grandma’s.
The switching-on ceremony is always preceded by a day of fun. The High Street is closed off to traffic and is lined with a mishmash of craft stalls, fairground rides and street performers. For weeks before, local people have been making festive paper lanterns to take part in a twilight parade. The sun is sinking as we hit the town and Market Square is bustling with activity. Street performers go through their various acts to entertain the people. In one corner is an enormous inflated bouncy snowman. If I was considerably younger, that’s exactly where I’d be heading as it looks like great fun. As it is, there are a few big boys on there bouncing into each other, and I think it might be too boisterous for Jaden. Next year, when he can hold his own, he’ll be able to go on that. The centre ground of the Market Square holds the towering Christmas tree, strung with pretty white lights. Around the periphery there’s a huge variety of food stalls.
The medley of smells is so very tempting. Surely we’ve got time to stop for a little something to keep us going? I’ve got a chilli on the timer in the oven for when we get home, but that’s ages away and it doesn’t stop me from saying, ‘Shall we have a coffee and a hot doughnut?’
‘Hmm.’ Rick rubs his hands together. ‘Sounds good.’
‘What do we all want?’ I ask, then I try to remember who’s requested what as they simultaneously shout out their orders.
Rick and I queue up. There are only a couple of people ahead of us, and the staff move quickly and efficiently. Soon we have a tray bearing our stash of various flavoured coffees and a big bag of hot, sugary doughnuts fresh out of the fryer. That should keep the cold at bay for a while, at least.
I hand them out to Jaden, Chloe, Tom and Merak. Then I give one to Rick.
‘Thanks, love.’
‘Where’s Mum?’
Everyone looks about them, but she’s nowhere to be seen. My heart goes cold. ‘She was with you, Chloe.’
My daughter looks guilty. ‘I don’t know where she is. I was watching Jaden. She must be here somewhere.’
‘Mum!’ I shout out. ‘Mum!’ But I can’t see her anywhere in the crowd.
Rick takes up the call. ‘Rita! Rita!’
Heads spin round, but not one of them is Mum’s. In a panic, I give Rick the remaining coffee and bag of doughnuts and fish for my mobile. When I find it, I punch in her number. The phone rings, unanswered.
‘It’s probably on the kitchen table where it usually is,’ Rick tuts.
I’m frantic now. ‘Do you think she’ll have gone on into the High Street without us?’
‘I don’t know,’ Rick says. ‘She may be heading back towards home.’
We’ll have to find her before she goes too far. ‘Tom, you take Chloe and Jaden to watch the parade. Merak, go with them. There’s no point in all of us missing it.’ I chew at my fingernail. ‘Keep your eye out for Gran, though. Dad and I will look for her and we’ll catch you up.’
‘She can’t have gone far,’ Tom offers.
‘I hope not.’
‘I will stay with Rick,’ Merak says.
So Tom, our portable dustbin, is given the coffee and doughnuts to finish off and the children head into the High Street while we three go in search of my errant mother.
‘Let’s split up,’ Rick says to me. ‘You walk back towards the house. I’ll go this way with Merak.’ He points down the nearby shopping alley. It’s so crowded with people that I can hardly see a space between them and I wonder how we’ll ever find her here. ‘What’s she wearing?’
‘A blue coat and a white woolly hat.’
‘OK. I’ll give you a ring in five minutes and we can see where we are.’
‘Right.’ I set off briskly, retracing our steps back towards Chadwick Close.
The wind nips at my cheeks as the temperature is now dropping. I stride out, going as fast as my legs will carry me.
I’m just turning off Calverton Road when Rick rings me. ‘It’s packed here, love,’ he says. ‘We can’t see Rita anywhere.’
That makes my heart sink further but then, as I look ahead of me, I catch sight of Mum’s coat. ‘I can see her, Rick. Looks like she’s on her way home.’
‘Thank goodness. Are you going to bring her back?’
‘If she’ll come.’
‘OK. Do you want me to come over to you?’
‘No, no. I can handle it.’
‘We’ll go and meet up with the kids then. Text me to let me know what you’re doing,’ Rick says, and hangs up.
I put on another spurt and, within seconds, have caught up with her. ‘Mum,’ I say. ‘What are you doing here? Why are you going home?’
‘I want to watch Emmerdale,’ she says without breaking her step.
&n
bsp; ‘But it isn’t on.’
That stops her. ‘Isn’t it?’
I shake my head. ‘We were all going to watch the Christmas lights being turned on in the High Street.’
‘How lovely,’ she says. ‘Every year I enjoy that.’
‘I know. You love it. We all do. Why did you go wandering off like that?’
She looks at me blankly.
‘You had us all worried.’
‘Did I?’
‘Come on, Mum,’ I cajole. ‘We have to go back now, or we’ll miss it.’
Without arguing, for once, she lets me take her arm and guide her back towards the town.
‘Don’t rush me,’ she says as she trots along beside me. ‘My legs aren’t as young as they used to be, Frank.’
I don’t correct her slip. I’m just grateful to have found her so quickly. I know that she’s been getting more and more forgetful, but this is the first time that Mum’s wandered off like this and it’s worrying. The alarm bells that should have been sounding have just gone unheard amid all the other noise. What with Chloe being back and Tom, and looking after Jaden and the run-up to Christmas and everything else that’s going on, perhaps I hadn’t really noticed that she isn’t just getting old and mad, that perhaps she is actually unwell. There’s a word that’s whirling round my brain and I don’t want it to. I can’t even bring myself to say it out loud. Alzheimer’s. Is that what Mum has? At what point does forgetfulness tip over into becoming an illness? I don’t know. But I think it’s something that I’m going to have to address.
‘Is Emmerdale on tonight?’ she asks as we head back to join the festivities. ‘I like Emmerdale.’
And I realise that this isn’t good. It isn’t good at all.
Chapter Fifteen
The parade is in full flow by the time we both get here, and the street is full of revellers carrying paper lanterns lit with candles. Hundreds of people, some in elaborate fancy-dress costumes, some simply wrapped up against the cold, carry them aloft. There are lanterns shaped like polar bears, Christmas trees, angels, stars, all jiggling through the watching crowds to the sound of drums and trumpets.
‘Look how pretty it is, Mum.’
‘Oh, yes. Lovely, dear.’ For the moment, she seems completely normal again. ‘You’re holding my arm too tight, Juliet.’
‘Sorry.’ She’s probably right. I’m clinging on to her for dear life now, and I wish that they did those harness-with-reins contraptions for pensioners like they do for toddlers.
I text Tom and find out whereabouts they all are, and then Mum and I join the rest of the family. They’ve found a good spot to watch from, and Tom has hoisted Jaden onto his shoulders for a better view. In front of us is the stage where shortly Santa will arrive and count down to the switching on of the lights. The Town Crier in his red and gold livery is already in place. The Salvation Army band are also ready to play a selection of carols after the lights come on, as they always do.
‘Is she all right?’ Rick asks.
‘I’m worried about her,’ I say, close to Rick’s ear. ‘I think it’s something more than just her getting very forgetful.’ I might well have been in denial about how erratic her behaviour has become over the last few years, but I can’t ignore it any longer. ‘I hope she doesn’t make a habit of wandering off.’
I can tell by Rick’s face that he’s about to make a poor-taste joke about that. ‘Don’t even say what you’re thinking,’ I warn him. ‘You’d be just as worried as anyone else if anything happened to her.’
‘Devastated,’ he dead-pans. ‘Do you know that if you rearrange the letters in “mother-in-law” you can make Woman Hitler?’
‘Yes, I do,’ I say, digging him in the ribs. ‘You tell me often enough. Now watch the parade.’
A stream of brightly coloured Christmas puddings, teddies and snowmen dance down the road. Across the street in the crowd I see Robin with his wife. Hopefully, if they’ve come out together, it means that things are a little better between them. I wave frantically and, after a moment’s peering at me, recognition kicks in and he waves back. Maybe it was my hat that fooled him.
Rick leans over towards me. ‘I thought your dad and Samuel were supposed to be up here too.’
‘They are.’
‘I haven’t seen them anywhere.’
‘I’ll text Dad. Let him know where we are.’ I do just that.
‘This is very good,’ Merak says. His eyes are shining bright, just like a child’s. There is a rare glimmer of a smile on his face.
I put my arm round him and give him a squeeze. ‘Glad you could come. Stay with us for some chilli afterwards?’
‘I am afraid I cannot. I have to work in bar tonight.’
‘Shame.’ He’s a nice kid, and works hard for Rick. It must be difficult to be living over here alone, without his family. We try to do as much as we can to support him, but he seems quite self-sufficient. ‘Are you going home at Christmas?’
‘Yes. I hope so.’
‘That’s nice. I’m sure your mum’s missing you.’
‘Yes,’ he says, eyes downcast. ‘Very much.’
As the musicians head up the High Street and the last of the lanterns pass by in front of us, Santa arrives and takes to the platform erected outside the church. The Town Crier steps up too. Ringing his bell, he shouts out, ‘Let the countdown to Christmas begin!’
‘Ten! Nine! Eight!’ We all join in. ‘Seven! Six! Five!’ Jaden is getting very confused as he’s only done counting forwards. So I try to help him by holding up the appropriate number of fingers. Chloe is busy texting. ‘Four! Three! Two! One!’
Santa hits the switch and the lights come on. There’s an appreciative gasp from the crowd. Strings of twinkling lights grace the street with angels and stars hanging from them. All of the shops have small trees fixed above their doors, and they glow with coloured bulbs.
‘It’s Christmas!’ the Town Crier booms out. Everyone cheers. The Salvation Army band starts up with ‘Joy To The World.’ Now the festive season has well and truly started.
I hug Rick and say, ‘Let’s hope it’s a good one.’
He kisses me even though we are in the High Street and there are people we know out here. Before I can hug the rest of the family, my phone rings. It’s Dad. ‘Where are you, Dad?’
‘I’m still at home,’ he says, but I can hardly hear him above the noise.
‘Everything all right?’
‘Can you come over, love?’ His voice is trembling. ‘Samuel’s fallen asleep and I can’t seem to wake him up.’
Chapter Sixteen
‘There’s something wrong with Samuel,’ I tell Rick as soon as I hang up. ‘We need to get round to Dad’s right away.’
‘Want to go back and get the car in case we need to take him to the hospital?’
‘No. Let’s just go straight there.’ Dad’s house is a stone’s throw from the town centre. Even with all the crowds it should take us less than ten minutes to walk there.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘He says he can’t wake Samuel up.’
Rick’s face blanches. ‘Has he phoned for an ambulance?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘I’ll call one just in case.’
‘Perhaps we should see what’s wrong first. It might be nothing.’
‘Better safe than sorry,’ Rick counters and punches 999 into his phone. ‘It’s Saturday night. It could take them a bloody hour to get there.’
I call the family into a huddle. ‘We’re going to see Grandad,’ I explain. ‘Samuel’s not well. Tom and Chloe, why don’t you take Jaden to see the children’s fairground rides?’
‘I want to come and see if Grandad’s all right,’ Chloe says.
‘Stay here with Jaden,’ I insist. ‘Don’t spoil it for him. I’ll text you to let you know what’s happening as soon as I get there.’
‘Can I help?’ Merak asks.
‘No, lad,’ Rick says. ‘You need to get off to your bar job. W
e can manage.’
‘I can phone in and tell them I will be late. It is an emergency.’
‘Everything’s fine, I’m certain,’ I tell him. ‘We’ll keep you posted.’
‘If you are sure,’ he says.
‘I am, but thank you. You’re very thoughtful.’ Somewhat reluctantly, Merak heads off to the city centre to his bar job while I make a plan. ‘Tom, can I put you in charge of looking after my mum?’
‘Sure.’
‘If you let her wander off it will be on pain of death.’
‘You’re not going anywhere, are you, Gran?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Mum says.
‘We won’t be long,’ I promise. ‘We’ll be back as soon as we can. If we don’t see you here, we’ll catch up with you at home. The chilli will be ready in about an hour.’
Rick and I leave the children and dash round to Dad’s. Ten minutes later, we’re outside, puffing heavily with exertion.
This was my childhood home, the one that my dad shared with my mum for so many years, and now Dad and Samuel live here together. Despite being separated for well over two years now, my parents have never officially divorced or even taken that terrible step of carving up their assets between them. With Mum moving straight in with us, there’s never really been the need to. But now the house is looking tired and needs some money spending on it, and I wonder whether the time has come for us to do something about it. What we should do is anyone’s guess.
My hands are shaking as I reach for the knocker, and I wonder why. As soon as we knock, Dad opens the door and we hurry inside.
‘I’ve tried and tried to wake him up, but I can’t,’ he says, wringing his hands.
In the small living room Samuel is sitting in the armchair. He looks for all the world as if he’s fast asleep. But something tells me that he isn’t. His face is too pale, too waxen. He looks just too peaceful. I feel the colour drain from my own face.
‘How long’s he been like this?’
‘For a couple of hours, I think,’ Dad tells me. He shakes his head, confused. He looks every one of his seventy-odd years and more. For the first time in his life he seems old and bent. ‘He said he was tired and was going to have a nap before we went up to see the lights. You know Samuel, he’s always up for some fun.’ Tears fill Dad’s eyes and he struggles to speak. ‘He was so looking forward to it.’