CHAPTER XXII
A GATHERING OF CAT SPECIALISTS
"It will probably be necessary," said Smith, as they set out forGroome Street, "to allude to you, Comrade John, in the course of thisinterview, as one of our most eminent living cat-fanciers. You havenever met Comrade Jarvis, I believe? Well, he is a gentleman with justabout enough forehead to prevent his front hair getting inextricablyblended with his eyebrows, and he owns twenty-three cats, each with aleather collar round its neck. It is, I fancy, the cat note which weshall have to strike to-day. If only Comrade Brown were with us, wecould appeal to his finer feelings. But he has seen me only once andyou never, and I should not care to bet that he will feel the leastparticle of dismay at the idea of our occiputs getting all mussed upwith a black-jack. But when I inform him that you are an Englishcat-fancier, and that in your island home you have seventy-four finecats, mostly Angoras, that will be a different matter. I shall besurprised if he does not fall on your neck."
They found Mr. Jarvis in his fancier's shop, engaged in theintellectual occupation of greasing a cat's paws with butter. He lookedup as they entered, and then resumed his task.
"Comrade Jarvis," said Smith, "we meet again. You remember me?"
"Nope," said Mr. Jarvis promptly.
Smith was not discouraged.
"Ah!" he said tolerantly, "the fierce rush of New York life! How itwipes from the retina to-day the image impressed on it but yesterday.Is it not so, Comrade Jarvis?"
The cat-expert concentrated himself on his patient's paws withoutreplying.
"A fine animal," said Smith, adjusting his monocle. "To whatparticular family of the _Felis Domestica_ does that belong? Incolor it resembles a Neapolitan ice more than anything."
Mr. Jarvis' manner became unfriendly.
"Say, what do youse want? That's straight, ain't it? If youse want tobuy a boid or a snake, why don't youse say so?"
"I stand corrected," said Smith; "I should have remembered that timeis money. I called in here partly in the hope that, though you only metme once--on the stairs of my office, you might retain pleasantrecollections of me, but principally in order that I might make twovery eminent cat-fanciers acquainted. This," he said, with a wave ofhis hand in the direction of John, "is Comrade Maude, possibly thebest known of English cat-fanciers. Comrade Maude's stud of Angoras iscelebrated wherever the English language is spoken."
Mr. Jarvis's expression changed. He rose, and, having inspected Johnwith silent admiration for a while, extended a well-buttered handtowards him. Smith looked on benevolently.
"What Comrade Maude does not know about cats," he said, "is notknowledge. His information on Angoras alone would fill a volume."
"Say"--Mr. Jarvis was evidently touching on a point which had weigheddeeply upon him--"why's catnip called catnip?"
John looked at Smith helplessly. It sounded like a riddle, but it wasobvious that Mr. Jarvis's motive in putting the question was notfrivolous. He really wished to know.
"The word, as Comrade Maude was just about to observe," said Smith, "isa corruption of catmint. Why it should be so corrupted I do not know.But what of that? The subject is too deep to be gone fully into at themoment. I should recommend you to read Mr. Maude's little brochure onthe matter. Passing lightly on from that--"
"Did youse ever have a cat dat ate bettles?" enquired Mr. Jarvis.
"There was a time when many of Comrade Maude's _Felidae_ supportedlife almost entirely on beetles."
"Did they git thin?"
John felt it was time, if he were to preserve his reputation, to asserthimself.
"No," he replied firmly.
Mr. Jarvis looked astonished.
"English beetles," said Smith, "don't make cats thin. Passinglightly--"
"I had a cat oncst," said Mr. Jarvis, ignoring the remark and stickingto his point, "dat ate beetles and got thin and used to tie itselfinter knots."
"A versatile animal," agreed Smith.
"Say," Mr. Jarvis went on, now plainly on a subject near to his heart,"dem beetles is fierce. Sure! Can't keep de cats off of eatin' dem, Ican't. First t'ing you know dey've swallowed dem, and den dey gits thinand ties theirselves into knots."
"You should put them into strait-waistcoats," said Smith. "Passing,however, lightly--"
"Say, ever have a cross-eyed cat?"
"Comrade Maude's cats," said Smith, "have happily been almost entirelyfree from strabismus."
"Dey's lucky, cross-eyed cats is. You has a cross-eyed cat, and not'in'don't never go wrong. But, say, was dere ever a cat wit' one blue andone yaller one in your bunch? Gee! it's fierce when it's like dat. It'sa skidoo, is a cat wit' one blue eye and one yaller one. Puts you inbad, surest t'ing you know. Oncst a guy give me a cat like dat, andfirst t'ing you know I'm in bad all round. It wasn't till I give himaway to de cop on de corner and gets me one dat's cross-eyed dat Ilifts de skidoo off of me."
"And what happened to the cop?" enquired Smith, interested.
"Oh, he got in bad, sure enough," said Mr. Jarvis without emotion. "Oneof de boys what he'd pinched and had sent up the road once lays forhim and puts one over on him wit a black-jack. Sure. Dat's what comesof havin' a cat wit' one blue and one yaller one."
Mr. Jarvis relapsed into silence. He seemed to be meditating on theinscrutable workings of Fate. Smith took advantage of the pause toleave the cat topic and touch on matters of more vital import.
"Tense and exhilarating as is this discussion of the opticalpeculiarities of cats," he said, "there is another matter on which, ifyou will permit me, I should like to touch. I would hesitate to boreyou with my own private troubles, but this is a matter which concernsComrade Maude as well as myself, and I can see that your regard forComrade Maude is almost an obsession."
"How's that?"
"I can see," said Smith, "that Comrade Maude is a man to whom you givethe glad hand."
Mr. Jarvis regarded John with respectful affection.
"Sure! He's to the good, Mr. Maude is."
"Exactly," said Smith. "To resume, then. The fact is, Comrade Jarvis,we are much persecuted by scoundrels. How sad it is in this world! Welook to every side. We look to north, east, south, and west, and whatdo we see? Mainly scoundrels. I fancy you have heard a little about ourtroubles before this. In fact, I gather that the same scoundrelsactually approached you with a view to engaging your services to do usup, but that you very handsomely refused the contract. We are the staffof _Peaceful Moments_."
"_Peaceful Moments_," said Mr. Jarvis. "Sure, dat's right. A guycomes to me and says he wants you put through it, but I gives him detrundown."
"So I was informed," said Smith. "Well, failing you, they went to agentleman of the name of Reilly--"
"Spider Reilly?"
"Exactly. Spider Reilly, the lessee and manager of the Three Pointsgang."
Mr. Jarvis frowned.
"Dose T'ree Points, dey're to de bad. Dey're fresh."
"It is too true, Comrade Jarvis."
"Say," went on Mr. Jarvis, waxing wrathful at the recollection, "whatdo youse t'ink dem fresh stiffs done de odder night? Started some roughwoik in me own dance-joint."
"Shamrock Hall?" said Smith. "I heard about it."
"Dat's right, Shamrock Hall. Got gay, dey did, wit' some of the TableHillers. Say, I got it in for dem gazebos, sure I have. Surest t'ingyou know."
Smith beamed approval.
"That," he said, "is the right spirit. Nothing could be more admirable.We are bound together by our common desire to check the ever-growingspirit of freshness among the members of the Three Points. Add to thatthe fact that we are united by a sympathetic knowledge of the mannersand customs of cats, and especially that Comrade Maude, England'sgreatest fancier, is our mutual friend, and what more do we want?Nothing."
"Mr. Maude's to de good," assented Mr. Jarvis, eying John once more infriendly fashion.
"We are all to the good," said Smith. "Now, the thing I wished to askyou is this. The office of the paper was, until this morning, sec
urelyguarded by Comrade Brady, whose name will be familiar to you."
"De Kid?"
"On the bull's-eye, as usual. Kid Brady, the coming light-weightchampion of the world. Well, he has unfortunately been compelled toleave us, and the way into the office is consequently clear to anysand-bag specialist who cares to wander in. So what I came to ask was,will you take Comrade Brady's place for a few days?"
"How's that?"
"Will you come in and sit in the office for the next day or so and helphold the fort? I may mention that there is money attached to the job.We will pay for your services."
Mr. Jarvis reflected but a brief moment.
"Why, sure," he said. "Me fer dat."
"Excellent, Comrade Jarvis. Nothing could be better. We will see youto-morrow, then. I rather fancy that the gay band of Three Pointers whowill undoubtedly visit the offices of _Peaceful Moments_ in thenext few days is scheduled to run up against the surprise of theirlives."
"Sure t'ing. I'll bring me canister."
"Do," said Smith. "In certain circumstances one canister is worth aflood of rhetoric. Till to-morrow, then, Comrade Jarvis. I am very muchobliged to you."
* * * * *
"Not at all a bad hour's work," he said complacently, as they turnedout of Groome Street. "A vote of thanks to you, John, for yourinvaluable assistance."
"I didn't do much," said John, with a grin.
"Apparently, no. In reality, yes. Your manner was exactly right.Reserved, yet not haughty. Just what an eminent cat-fancier's mannershould be. I could see that you made a pronounced hit with ComradeJarvis. By the way, as he is going to show up at the office to-morrow,perhaps it would be as well if you were to look up a few facts bearingon the feline world. There is no knowing what thirst for information anight's rest may not give Comrade Jarvis. I do not presume to dictate,but if you were to make yourself a thorough master of the subject ofcatnip, for instance, it might quite possibly come in useful."