“Will you live there next year?”
She shrugged. “If I’m still here.”
At that he frowned. “Do you intend to leave?”
Her gaze fell to the table. “I don’t know if I’m cut out for college.”
“What would you do if you weren’t a student?”
She shrugged. “Probably work at my aunt’s bar. My brother runs it.”
When he didn’t say anything, she looked up and found him frowning. Her answer seemed to bother him. The waitress returned and dropped off their food. Sheilagh distracted herself by removing the olives from her salad.
When she took a bite she realized he was still watching her. “What?”
“Do you find it boring?”
“Do I find what boring?”
“Life.”
Wow, that was a loaded question. “If I didn’t know better I’d say you’re leading into a philosophical discussion.”
“We’re merely two adults sharing a meal and drinks.”
She chewed her salad. “Sometimes.”
He surprised her by admitting, “Me too.”
They ate in comfortable silence, and then the waitress returned to clear their plates and replenish their drinks. Alec sat back in his chair and watched.
“You stare an awful lot.”
He glanced away and she caught the hint of a smirk. “I find you quite interesting.”
“Thanks?”
“It’s a compliment, I assure you.”
“I aim to please.”
“You do. Most of the time.” She frowned at him. “Why did you drop my class, Sheilagh?”
She sighed. He wouldn’t be able to keep his word. “Where’s the waitress? I’m ready for the check.”
“Don’t run away. Answer the question.”
She glared at him. “It was too hard.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“I didn’t want an F on my transcript.”
“I’ve never flunked a student in my life.”
“A D then.”
“You wouldn’t have settled for a D. You would have eventually earned an A, but you gave up without trying.”
She crumpled her napkin in her fist. “I did try. I couldn’t do it.”
“Bullshit. You didn’t want to do it. I have a feeling you’ve managed well at convincing the world you don’t do anything you don’t want to do, but I have another theory about the real person behind the mask.”
“'Fraid not, professor. It’s no act. I do it for me and the world can either take it or leave it.” Keeping her breathing calm, she forced her heart rate to slow. He couldn’t possibly see past the act, could he?
He drew in a slow breath and let it out just as slowly. “If you intend to take the course next semester under a different proctor, you’re doing yourself a disservice. I’m better.”
“Says the arrogant egotist.”
He chuckled. “Just enlightening you.”
Deciding to turn the tables, she licked her lips. “Does it work?”
He tilted his head. “Does what work?”
“Pretending you’re smarter than everyone else in order to divert the attention of others from your own shortcomings?”
He tipped his head. “Touché.”
“Let’s just cut to the chase. You read my file, so you obviously have the upper hand. I know nothing beyond your geographical history and the fact that you have a son and were once married. What is it you see when you look at me? Maybe if you tell me I can save you some time before you hurt yourself.”
He smiled. “Okay. I see a beautiful young woman who has the potential to be something great, but hesitates when it comes time to apply herself. I see a woman who has no right to be sitting alone at a bar on Saturday night and I’m shocked to see her turn down man after man when everything in her expression tells me she’s lonely.”
“I never said I was lonely.”
He rolled his eyes. “I see stubborn green eyes and an attitude as scorching as your red hair. I see someone I probably shouldn’t, because she’s my student, or at least she was. But even when she isn’t there, I see her anyway. I can’t stop thinking about her and I find myself speculating if something terrible happened to her six years ago.”
She couldn’t breathe. No one had ever seen her that way before. She didn’t know what possessed her to speak, but she quietly admitted, “I fell in love with someone I can never have.”
“Why?”
“I don’t talk about it.”
“Did he pass away?”
“No.”
“Married?”
“Nope. Impossible.”
“I don’t understand.”
She glared at him. Never before had she told anyone about Tristan and why she couldn’t have him. The temptation to unburden herself here, so many miles away from home and people who knew her, was quite real.
She’d probably never see him again after tonight. What would it feel like to finally say it out loud, to unburden herself? Licking her dry lips she rasped, “He’s in love with and committed to my gay brother, has been for over half a decade.”
Alec’s head slowly drew back and it was clear her words took him by surprise. There was something strange in the way he was studying her. “You didn’t know he was gay?”
“Nope. He flirted with me. Still does.”
He frowned. “And you’re sure he’s gay?”
“Oh yeah. I don’t know what was harder to believe, that he was gay or that my brother was and they’d been sleeping together for years without anyone finding out.”
“Would your family object to such a thing?”
“No, my family’s as liberal as they come. They’re nuts and don’t always say the right things, but there’s nothing they would really have a problem with, especially when it comes to one of us.”
He nodded and she could tell he was digesting her explanation. “When did you find out about this man and your brother?”
“When I was eighteen, just before I was about to leave for college.”
“And finding this out was enough for you to postpone your goals for six years?”
She choked. “Did you love your wife?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t.”
“Well, maybe it’s different for guys. I was destroyed when I found out. Everything I’d ever planned suddenly didn’t make sense.”
“Did you and this man sleep together?”
She didn’t know what threw her off more, the fact that she was talking about this or the fact Alec was asking her about her sex life. “No.”
He frowned. “How do you love someone if you’ve never been intimate with them?”
“Are you serious?”
“Very.”
“My brother married a woman who never did more than kiss him. My other brother was going to be a priest up until a few months before his wedding. To assume you have to have sex to be in love is totally ignorant. Step out of the cave, professor.”
“You misunderstand me. I believe two people can love each other without sleeping together. What I don’t believe is a relationship that never really existed can cause an intelligent person to stop living for six years.”
Her molars locked. “Who said I didn’t live?”
“Did you?”
“If sex is your measuring stick, then yes. I lived quite well.”
“And did that lessen the sting of his rejection?”
Jesus. Her breath seeped out of her as if he punched her. “No. It made me feel cheap and ugly. It made me not count for anything more than a quick screw at the cost of a few drinks. Is that what you wanted to hear? I fucked the last six years away, all from my sad little Podunk cave.” She stood and grabbed her purse.
“Sheilagh.”
“Leave me alone.”
He stood and threw some money on the table as she quickly found the closest exit. When she hit the cold air outside of the bar, she stumbled into a group of college kids making their w
ay in. Awkwardly extricating herself, she mumbled apologies through a constricted throat.
She made it around the corner when she heard him coming after her. “Sheilagh, wait a minute.”
“Go away, professor. I’m not interested in being enlightened.” She coughed to explain her thickened tone.
The sound of his footsteps grew nearer and he grabbed her arm, jerking her to a stop.
“What do you want from me?” she snapped.
“I want to understand you,” he said, his brow creased with worry.
“Why? I’m nothing special. Stop acting like I am.”
He shook his head. “You are something special.”
“Why? Because I aced a few tests? How’s this? I was drunk the morning I took my SATs. I didn’t want to score that high. I purposely messed up on several questions and I still got the highest score in the history of my town.”
He shook her. “That’s special, Sheilagh. My son took his SATs six times and only scored half as well as you. Why are you so afraid of being smart?”
“I’m not afraid of being smart. I just want to be normal. Do you get that? I don’t want to be above everyone else. I just want to be happy.”
He was breathing hard. His grip loosened on her shoulders and he stepped closer. “But you’re not. Acting like everyone else hasn’t made you happy. It’s all an illusion.”
She turned away.
“If he’d said yes, if he’d left your brother and pretended to be hetero for you, would you have settled for that?”
She stilled. “I could have loved him enough for both of us.”
Alec shook his head. “I said the same thing to my wife, but she was in love with a woman named Claire.”
Her gaze jerked to his. “What?”
“My wife’s gay. I didn’t know. I loved her very much, but it wasn’t enough. Not enough to change who she was.”
She needed to sit down. Spotting a bench in the shadows, she headed that way. Alec followed and filled the space beside her.
For several minutes, they said nothing. “Did you ever forgive her?”
“There was nothing to forgive. She’d always been gay. She just didn’t realize it until she was married to a man. We tried to make it work, for our son, but even his love wasn’t enough. Life’s too short to spend it trying to pretend you’re someone you’re not.”
She shivered. “I didn’t forgive my brother for a long time. I still haven’t forgiven Tristan.” Not because he chose Luke. She had come a long way, but finally figured out how to feel some level of happiness for them. However, she still struggled to fully forgive Tristan for misleading her.
“Forgive them, Sheilagh. They didn’t do it to hurt you.” When she shivered again, he said, “Would you like to come back to my place to talk?”
She didn’t want to go home. They had nothing in common, yet there was something identical about their pasts. She wanted to know how he was all right with it. She wanted to be all right. “Okay.”
They walked in silence and she wondered what made her confess so much to this man. Half the time she didn’t like him. The other half of the time she couldn’t figure out how she felt about him.
When they reached his house a few blocks away from the brewery, he unlocked the door and held it for her to enter. “Can I get you a drink?”
“Sure. Whatever you have.”
“Whiskey?”
“Why not?”
She sat on the sofa she’d occupied a few days ago and waited as he poured. When he sat beside her he placed her glass on the table on a coaster. “Do you drink a lot?”
For some reason the glass on the coaster distracted her, a symbol of his maturity perhaps. “Not really. I’ve been drinking a lot more lately.”
“Is it helping?”
She shut her eyes. “No.”
“What made you decide to start school this year?”
“My brothers forced me to.”
He gave her a look of confusion. “Pardon?”
“They caught me in a—I was doing something I shouldn’t have been doing and they threatened to tell my father. They said I was throwing my life away and blackmailed me. If I didn’t apply to college and get out of town they would go right to my father and tell him what I’d been about to do.”
He swallowed and the dark stubble on his throat distracted her. “What were you going to do?”
She lifted a shoulder and looked away. “I was going to strip at a local club.”
His gaze zeroed in on her curves as though he could see through her clothing. “I assume, if you’re here, your father never found out.”
“Not if my brothers plan on keeping their testicles.”
He laughed. “I’m glad they stopped you.”
“Me too. It was stupid. I’m still not sure why I agreed to do it.”
“Maybe you were hoping to get caught.”
“I doubt it. I think I was just giving everyone what they expected.” The only person she wanted to notice her was entirely wrong for her. She yo-yoed between wanting to blend in with everyone else and wanting to be noticed. Half the time she didn’t understand what motivated her to act the way she did.
“An illusion.”
“Don’t start.”
He chuckled. “Sorry.”
She hadn’t touched her drink and was no longer in the mood for whiskey. “Do you mind if I get a glass of water?”
He stood. “The kitchen’s this way.”
She followed him through the house and into the kitchen. “Wow. Being a professor must pay really well.”
“Don’t get too excited. The university provides our housing.”
“You don’t own this home?” He handed her a glass of water. “Thanks.”
“No. I’ve lived here for over a decade though. I consider it mine. I don’t look forward to ever leaving.”
She lowered herself to a kitchen chair and he took the seat across from her. “I’m sorry I lost it back there.”
He shrugged. “It happens.”
Cavalier she could do. Her brain needed a break from all the emotional stuff and she was grateful he wasn’t dwelling on her little episode.
“Do you usually have students in your home?”
“Aside from my son, you’re the only other student who’s ever been here.”
“You’re son’s a student at Princeton?”
“A Sophomore. He did some time at a community college before they accepted him.”
“Does he like it here?”
“He’s worked very hard to be here. A perk of teaching here is that our children get free tuition if they can make the grades. My son wants to graduate from Princeton and is extremely determined to do so. I’m very proud of him.”
“You must think I’m a complete brat.”
“No. I think you’re hurting and confused and I want to help you.”
“Why?”
“I like you.”
“You could have helped me by not giving me a D.”
“That wouldn’t have helped you in the long run.”
She sighed. “You’re going to start talking about the cave again, aren’t you?”
He laughed. “The cave is a great metaphor.”
She groaned and dropped her head to the table. “I knew it.”
“We can’t perceive the reality of the world if we don’t possess the courage to see past the illusions and try for something more, something real.”
“Are you talking about Plato or my life?”
“Both. I know what it must have felt like to think what you were living was real and then have it come crashing down around you. I lived. I had a family. I had a wife. But none of it was real. It was just an illusion.”
“Have you ever loved someone other than your wife?”
“No.”
She smiled. “So you’re not as all-knowing as you claim.”
“I never claimed to be all-knowing. I know philosophy, and as such, I trust there’s something more out there. When I
suspect more, I want to understand it.”
“I shouldn’t have dropped the class.”
His brow lifted and she could see she surprised him. “Can you re-enroll?”
“Probably not.”
“Next semester then.”
She nodded. Her gaze went to the clock on the wall. “It’s late. I should be going.”
“Would you like a ride home?”
Her apartment was only about eight blocks from his place, but she probably shouldn’t be walking alone this late at night. “Thanks. I’d appreciate that.”
She stood and he did the same. When he caught her hand, she stilled. “Are we okay?”
Her shoulders shook as she drew in a breath. “Yeah. I actually enjoyed tonight, if you can believe that.”
“I enjoyed it too. You’re good company, Sheilagh.”
Their eyes met and that jolt of electricity tingled again. She was completely aware of being alone in this quiet house with a man who was very attractive and very interesting. He might not always tell her what she wanted to hear, but he kept her on her toes.
His lips parted and she drew in a breath. The silence became weighted with something heavy and charged. Suddenly he released her hand and stepped back. When he turned and gripped the back of his neck, she exhaled. She’d been certain he was about to kiss her. The strange thing was she was almost disappointed he hadn’t.
“Let me get my coat.”
Sheilagh nodded and went to the door. She needed to stop. Kissing Alec would be bad. He was sixteen years older than her. He was her professor, or used to be. Knowing all of this didn’t seem to calm her heart from racing out of her chest.
“Ready?”
She jumped as he stepped behind her. “Yup.”
“I left my keys in the kitchen.”
He turned and she called his name. “Alec?”
His strides halted and he stilled, not turning to face her. She waited. He had to feel it as well. She knew he did when he said, “You’re a student, Sheilagh.”
Although he couldn’t see her, she nodded. Yes. She was a student and he was a professor. His son was closer to her age. It was good they cleared this up.
“I’ll get my keys,” he said quietly, disappearing into the kitchen.
When he returned, keys in hand, she hesitated. They both seemed to be avoiding each other’s gaze. She followed him out the door and waited for him to lock it.