has done ruined me for life, you has, for shuah."
* * * * *
A professor of sciences, well known for his absent-mindedness, wasengaged in a deep controversy one day with a fellow-student when hiswife hurriedly entered the room. "Oh, my dear," she cried, "I'veswallowed a pin."
The Professor smiled. "Don't worry about it, my dear," he said in asoothing tone. "It is of no consequence. Here"--he fumbled at hislapel--"Here is another pin."
* * * * *
The late Theodore Thomas was rehearsing the Chicago Orchestra on thestage of the Auditorium Theater. He was disturbed by the whistling ofBurridge, the well-known scene painter, who was at work in the loftabove the stage. A few minutes later Mr. Thomas's librarian appearedon the "bridge," where Mr. Burridge, merrily whistling, was at work."Mr. Thomas's compliments," said the librarian, "and he requests me tosay that if Mr. Burridge wishes to whistle he will be glad todiscontinue his rehearsal." To which Mr. Burridge replied suavely:"Mr. Burridge's compliments to Mr. Thomas; and please inform Mr.Thomas that, if Mr. Burridge can not whistle with the orchestra, hewon't whistle at all."
* * * * *
When trouble was more general and more destructive in Ireland than atpresent, an Irish priest, a very good man, was disturbed by theinroads which strong drink was making on his flock. He preached astrong sermon against it. "What is it," he cried, "that keeps youpoor? It's the drink. What is it keeps your children half-starved? Thedrink. What is it keeps your children half-clothed? The drink! Thedrink. What is it causes you to shoot at your landlords--and missthem? The drink."
* * * * *
Goff, the famous London barrister, has a humor peculiarly his own. Helooks at the world in a half-amused, half-indulgent manner sometimesvery annoying to his friends. One day, when in town, he dropped into arestaurant for lunch. It was a tidy, although not a pretentiousestablishment. After a good meal he called to the waitress andinquired what kind of pie could be had.
"Apple pie mince pie raisin pie blueberry pie custard pie peach pieand strawberry shortcake," the young woman repeated glibly.
"Will you please say that again?" he asked, leaning a trifle forward.
The girl went through the list at lightning rate. "And strawberryshortcake," she concluded with emphasis.
"Would you mind doing it once more?" he said.
The waitress looked her disgust, and started in a third timepronouncing the words in a defiantly clear tone.
"Thank you," he remarked when she had finished. "For the life of me Ican not see how you do it. But I like to hear it. It's veryinteresting, very. Give me apple pie, please, and thank you verymuch."
* * * * *
An elderly Bishop, a bachelor, who was very fastidious about histoilet, was especially fond of his bath, and requested particular careof his tub from the maid.
When about to leave town one day he gave strict orders to thehousemaid about his "bawth-tub" and said that no one was to be allowedthe use of it.
Alas! the temptation grew on the girl and she took a plunge.
The Bishop returned unexpectedly, and finding traces of the recentstolen bath, questioned the maid so closely that she had to confessshe was the culprit, and was very sorry.
"I hope you do not think it a sin, Bishop?" asked Mary in tears.
Eying her sternly, he said: "Mary your using my tub is not a sin, butwhat distresses me most is that you would do anything behind my backthat you would not do before my face."
* * * * *
Senator Dawes, in his young manhood, was a very poor speaker. One timehe was in an important law case, and for his opponent he had an olderattorney whose eloquence attracted a crowd that packed the courtroom.
The day was very hot and the judge on the bench was freely perspiring.Finally the judge, drawing off his coat in the midst of the lawyer'seloquent address, said:
"Mr. Attorney, excuse me, but suppose you sit down and let Dawes beginto speak. I want to thin out this crowd."
* * * * *
A doctor spending a rare and somewhat dull night at his own firesidereceived the following message from three fellow practitioners:
"Please step over to the club and join us at a rubber of whist."
"Jane, dear," he said to his wife, "I am called away again. It appearsto be a difficult case--there are three other doctors on the spotalready."
* * * * *
George, the four-year-old grandson of an extremely pious and devoutgrandfather, came rushing into the house in a state of wildexcitement. "Grandpa! Grandpa!" he called. "Mr. Barton's cow is dead!God called her home!"
* * * * *
Philander C. Knox tells this story of Roosevelt: "Roosevelt," he said,"was surprised by a Kansas delegation at Oyster Bay one summer. ThePresident appeared with his coat and collar off, trousers hitched bybelt, and mopping his forehead. 'Ah, gentlemen,' he said, '_de_lightedto see you, _de_lighted. But I am very busy putting in my hay, youknow. Just come down to the barn with me and we'll talk it over whileI work.' Down to the barn hustled the delegation and Mr. Rooseveltseized a pitchfork. But, behold there was no hay on the floor! 'John,'shouted the President to sounds in the hayloft; 'where's all the hay?''I ain't had time to throw it back since you threw it up yesterday,sir.'"
* * * * *
Before the President of a certain Western college had attained hispresent high position, a boy entering college was recommended to hisconsideration.
"Try to draw the boy out, Professor; criticise him, and tell us whatyou think," the parents said.
To facilitate acquaintance the Professor took the boy for a walk.After ten minutes' silence the youth ventured: "Fine day, Professor."
"Yes," with a far-away look.
Ten minutes more, and the young man, squirming uncomfortably, said:"This is a pleasant walk, Professor."
"Yes."
Another silence, and then the young man blurted out that he thoughtthey might have rain.
"Yes," and this time the Professor went on saying, "Young man, we havebeen walking together for half an hour, and you have said nothingwhich was not commonplace and stupid."
"Yes," said the boy, his irritation getting the better of his modesty,"and you endorsed every word I said."
Word from the Professor to the parents was to the effect that the boywas all right.
* * * * *
A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughteroff on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car andwent around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he wasleaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend,and at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to thewindow.
Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up tothe window and said: "One more kiss, pet."
In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from thewindow, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headedwretch!"
* * * * *
There is a young physician who has never been able to smoke a cigar."Just one poisons me," says the youthful doctor.
Recently the doctor was invited to a large dinner-party. When thewomen had left the table cigars were accepted by all the men exceptthe physician. Seeing his friend refuse the cigar the host inastonishment exclaimed:
"What, not smoking? Why, my dear fellow, you lose half your dinner!"
"Yes, I know I do," meekly replied the doctor, "but if I smoked one Ishould lose the whole of it!"
* * * * *
Once, when Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes was at a charitable fair, he wasasked to furnish a letter for the "post-office." So he placed aone-dollar note inside a sheet of paper and wrote on the first page:
"Dear lady, wh
osoe'er thou art, Turn this poor page with trembling care; But hush, oh, hush, thy beating heart, The one thou lov'st best will be there."
When the page was turned the one-dollar bill was revealed, and on thesecond page he wrote this verse:
"Fair lady, lift thine eyes and tell If this is not a truthful letter; This is the 'one' thou lovest well, And naught (0) would make thee love it better."
* * * * *
As several travelers got into the station 'bus one of the men (who wasquite a portly fellow) noticed that a certain young woman had a gripexactly like his, but that it was placed with the rest of the luggage,on top.