‘So you’re not taking your A levels anymore?’
‘Not right now, no. I’m earning money instead. Good money. I like it.’ He sighed. ‘How about you? Is college okay still?’
‘It’s fine . . .’ I stopped. I wanted to ask Flynn about how he was earning his ‘good money’ but it was too surreal to have an ordinary conversation about everyday stuff with him.
‘And Leo?’ Flynn’s face darkened. ‘Has he asked you out yet?’
I thought back to the tortured conversation Leo and I had where he declared his feelings and railed against Flynn.
‘We’re friends,’ I said.
‘Ah.’ Flynn hesitated. ‘Look, I was right to leave the commune and try and work things out for myself but I wasn’t right to do it in the way I did. That’s what I came here to say. That it was all my bad. And that I’m truly sorry I hurt you.’
The skies clouded over again and the wind whipped up. He was saying he was sorry I was hurt. But it clearly wasn’t the same for him. He had gone away and stayed away. He was fine without me. I was just part of a life he wanted to leave behind. I took a step away from him, feeling strangely calm. It was over. After all these months, it was over. The rain started up again, drizzling down our faces.
I looked down at my sweatpants and trainers. I knew my hair was plastered to my head and, in any case, badly needed a fresh cut, as Mum had pointed out to me several times since yesterday. I was wearing no make-up and my skin was grey.
I suddenly realised that none of it mattered.
‘I miss you, Riv.’ Flynn’s voice was low and husky. He tugged the neck of his sleek black top to one side and drew out a worn leather thong. The tiny blue ‘R’ I’d given him dangled from the end. ‘See? You’re always with me. It hasn’t gone away. I still love you.’
I met his gaze. ‘But not enough,’ I said.
‘That’s not true.’
‘Yes, it is,’ I said, feeling the truth of it deep inside me. ‘If it was enough you’d have stayed. Even if you didn’t want the commune you’d have found a way of being with me.’
Flynn shook his head. ‘You still don’t see, do you?’ he said. ‘I knew when I hit Leo I wasn’t ready. I tried really hard to make it work. But loving you didn’t make all the rest of it okay. And I . . . I love you too much to be with you when I can’t be . . .’ He tailed off. ‘You can believe it or not but I’ll always love you.’
The air froze in my throat. Rain spattered onto my face. Flynn leaned closer, his eyes gleaming green in the sharp, early afternoon light.
Our lips touched – a light, sweet kiss like water on parched earth. I drew back.
‘I have to go now,’ I said. I still felt calm. Not numb. Not upset. Not even angry anymore. It all made sense, as if the world had shifted around me and I could suddenly see everything clearly.
Flynn loved me in his way but his way was limited. And I didn’t have to feel bad about that.
I didn’t have to feel bad about anything.
‘Look after yourself,’ I said.
Flynn nodded. ‘You too.’
As I turned and walked away, the rain stopped and the sun came out, bright and brilliant, warming my face. I didn’t look back until I reached my front door. Flynn was watching me from the end of the road. Tall and dark in his trench coat, the sun shone so fiercely that I couldn’t make out the features of his face. I gazed for a moment at his outline, silhouetted against the steely sky. He raised his arm, casting a long shadow across the pavement, then turned and walked away.
I let myself into Mum’s house. The smell of chips wafted towards me across the hall. My silver bracelet slapped lightly against my wrist as I took off my coat. I fingered the tiny heart then let it go and headed towards the kitchen, eager to get warm and to eat.
Flynn and River’s story continues in
Defy the Stars, coming soon . . .
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
SOPHIE MCKENZIE was born and brought up in London, where she still lives with her teenage son. She has worked as a journalist and a magazine editor, and now writes full time. Her debut was the multi-award winning Girl, Missing (2006), which won the Red House Book Award and the Richard and Judy Best Children's Book for 12+, amongst others. She is also the author of Blood Ties and its sequel, Blood Ransom, The Medusa Project series, and the Luke and Eve trilogy. She has tallied up numerous award wins and has twice been longlisted for the Carnegie Medal.
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Sophie McKenzie, Casting Shadows
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