“So? I don’t get it. You were into it even more than I was until I opened that drawer.”
“It just felt . . .”
“What?”
“Too organized,” I said.
He stared dumbfounded for a moment, and then suddenly, he laughed.
“It’s not funny, Ryder.”
“Of course it is.” He began to finish dressing. “You think this is all a setup? This is my love nest? I parade girls in and out of here?”
“I don’t know what to think.”
“This is some irony. Probably most guys you were with didn’t care.”
“I haven’t been with any guys who didn’t care.”
“Yes, you have. Weren’t you seduced?”
“I mean, deliberately been with any,” I corrected. The conversation was getting me upset. “I’ve got to go home. My foster parents want me at dinner there tonight.”
“I’m sure,” he said. He opened the drawer of the nightstand and threw the contraceptive into it.
“Look, Ryder, I like you. I’m sorry, but you’re not the only one who has some issues to resolve,” I said.
He looked up at me and nodded. “You’re right. Hey, you have to understand that it’s harder for a guy to put on the brakes than it is for a girl. I’m still skidding,” he said, and smiled.
“This might help,” I said, and leaned over to kiss him.
“How does that help?” he asked when I straightened up.
“Figure it out.” I started for the door. “I have to go.”
He shook his head and stood up. “You’re missing some great food.”
“I hope there’ll be another time,” I said. “I’m sorry. I’m still not my own person, if you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, if anyone does, I do.”
He followed me out and then took my hand at my car.
“You really don’t believe I’m that much of a ladies’ man, do you?”
“I guess not. It was just so fast and . . . convenient.”
He laughed. “Women. You can’t live without them, and you can’t live with them.”
“You could always become a monk,” I said, and opened my car door.
“I think I’d rather take my chances with you.”
I thought a moment. “Let’s plan on next Tuesday. That day, the school’s closed for teacher conferences.”
“Plan on what?” he asked.
“Going rowing at the March lake. What else?”
He laughed, and I got into my car. “Hey,” he said after I started the engine. He leaned into the passenger-side window. “Thanks for the quid pro quo.”
“See you tomorrow,” I said. “There’s more to come.”
He stood back and watched me drive out. I waved just before turning. He didn’t wave back. He stood there staring after me as if I would be gone forever. I didn’t know whether I felt sorrier for him than I did for myself.
Since the time when I was raped, I was always worried that I would never be able to have a real and loving relationship. It had been my fear ever since that I would always pull back whenever any young man got this close to me. I would be unable to trust anyone enough, no matter how much in love with me he seemed to be or even how much in love with him I seemed to be. The wound was too deep, the scar was too thick, and the memory, even as foggy as it was because of the drugs, was persistent, stubborn, indelible. It bubbled up in hot nightmares. It flashed its ugly face every time I felt sexually aroused, whether it was from something I read or something I saw.
I should hate more and forgive less, I thought. Perhaps through the power of hate, I could overcome the ghosts that haunted me at my most private and intimate moments. Rage gave strength, and strength was something I desperately needed.
Yes, I was good at witty dueling. I could inflict pain on the arrogant young men who teased me with their good looks, and I enjoyed the adulation I won from the girls who envied me and looked up to me, but I was in pain that they’d most likely never know and couldn’t ever see. I didn’t want their sympathy anyway.
I wanted someday to be able to throw off this weight that kept my chance for happiness and satisfaction underwater. As I drove away from Ryder, I did realize that if somehow I could help him to help me, we’d both be reborn.
We’d both rise out of the thick darkness into the light of wonderful days when we would truly be able to cherish who we really were. My name would be on his lips and his on mine. Just saying them would be like kissing. We would find the warmth and the sanctuary in each other’s arms that would keep us protected, and all that had once made us lonely and lost would fall behind us as we rose toward the sun.
Why couldn’t that be?
What was out there waiting to stop us?
11
A Present
Jordan was so eager to hear about the Garfields that I wondered for a few moments if she hadn’t exaggerated Donald’s concern for my being home for dinner just so she could find out more about the Garfields. She practically pounced on me when I entered the house.
“Did you meet them?” she asked, almost before I had closed the door behind me.
“Yes.”
“Well? What were they like?”
“She’s very beautiful, and he’s very handsome,” I said.
Jordan grimaced. “I know that, Sasha. The whole world knows that. I mean, what were they like? Were they hospitable? Arrogant? Were they pleased you were invited to their home? Did they do anything with you? Oh, and what was their house like? Come in, come in,” she urged, leading me into the living room on the right.
“I didn’t spend that much time with them, Jordan,” I said, following her. “They were on their way to a publicity event for a new film.”
“Publicity event? What film?”
“I forgot.”
“What? You forgot? Your generation is so oblivious sometimes. So,” she said, sitting on the settee to my right. “Go on. Tell me about the house.”
“It’s a beautiful Italian-style house. It’s very big, open, with high ceilings, fancy floors. They have a pool, a tennis court, and a putting green.”
“Putting green? I wonder why Donald never thought of having that. We could have our own golf course here. Back to the Garfields. Were they nice to talk to, at least? I mean, the little you did speak to them.”
“Yes,” I said. If I even gave her a hint of the tensions in that home, she would be pressuring me to stop seeing Ryder. “But, as I said, they were on their way out.”
“Well, then what did you do?” she asked with obvious frustration.
“We talked, and then Ryder gave me some instructions about golf putting.”
“Really?” She perked up. “You never said you were interested in golf. I could take you to my club for some professional instruction. It was a waste of money with Kiera.”
“I’m not really interested in it. I was just being polite,” I said.
“Oh. Were his parents going to be there for dinner?”
“I don’t think so.”
“I see. Well, Donald really wanted you here for dinner. He was adamant about it.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. He’ll be home soon.” She thought a moment and then said, “I’m surprised you didn’t ask for an autographed picture or something, or did you?”
“No, but maybe I will next time I see them, if you want one.”
“Me? No, I thought you would want one. Bradley Garfield is almost everywhere you look these days. Why, last night on Entertainment Tonight, they did a good ten minutes on his growing career.”
I didn’t want to say it because I could see she would take it wrong, but I thought that the more I made of his parents’ fame, the more annoyed Ryder would be with me. Probably all of his former friends, including prospective girlfriends, were gaga over them, which I’m sure made him uncomfortable. Anyone in his place would have to wonder if his friends were friends with him solely because of who his parents were.
I
nstead of saying all of that, I said, “Whenever we saw movie stars in the street, my mother would say they put their underwear on one leg at a time, just like us.”
Lately, I hadn’t been mentioning my mother or our lives in the street, but it just seemed to fit.
“Oh, she was right. Of course. We’re too celebrity-crazy in this country.”
I glanced at the miniature grandfather clock on the fireplace mantel.
“I’d better get a start on my homework,” I said.
“You didn’t do any schoolwork there? I thought you shared classes.”
“I wasn’t there that long. Maybe we would have if I had stayed for dinner.”
“Are you going to see him again?” she asked before I could turn to leave. “I mean, like on a date or something?”
“I think so. We didn’t have a chance to talk about doing anything this weekend. I know we’re going to dinner Friday night.”
“That’s right.”
“I might invite him here next Tuesday. We have a day off because of teacher conferences. As long as it’s all right with you, I mean.”
“Oh. Yes. Fine, fine. I’d rather know whom you were seeing and when than see you sneaking off like Kiera used to do. However, I do hope he has a more pleasant demeanor next time,” she added, and rose.
I didn’t respond. I headed out and up to my room really to start my homework. A little more than an hour later, Mrs. Duval told me that Mr. March was home and dinner would be served in about an hour. He sent her up also to tell me that I should wear something more formal than my regular school outfits. That request puzzled me. Unless we had guests, he never asked me to dress for dinner these days.
Immediately, I went to the closet to find something. While I was looking, my phone rang. I was hoping it might be Ryder, but it was Kiera.
“I followed your advice,” she said, “and called my father today.”
“Oh, good.”
“It wasn’t good. He barely spoke to me. He said he was in the middle of a meeting.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“He was supposed to call me back after the meeting, but he hasn’t.”
“Maybe he will now?”
“Why? Is he home?”
“Just got home. I know he’s going to be here for dinner.”
She was quiet. “He told me he was going to a dinner meeting.”
“Maybe it was canceled. I’ll make sure he calls you.”
“Don’t do me any favors,” she shot back. “If he has to be reminded to call me, I don’t want him to bother. Besides, I’m going out with Richard in a little while, and I’m turning off my cell phone.”
“I’m sure he’ll call you tomorrow, then,” I said.
“Are you? You’re so sure of what my father will and won’t do these days?”
I was silent a moment. Her tone was annoying, but then I had to consider that Donald was not being very nice to her. Now he decides to try tough love? I thought. Where was he when it could have made a difference in her life?
“Actually, no,” I said. “He’s been somewhat unpredictable. There is one thing that I can tell you about him for sure, however.”
“Oh, and what’s that?”
“He’s not very fond of Ryder Garfield.”
“Really? Tell me about that.”
I described their first meeting and their verbal fencing. “Your father seemed quite irritated almost from the start. Your mother says he was like that with some of your boyfriends when you brought them home,” I added.
“Most of the time, he seemed not to have any interest in them at all. Anyway, he was never critical of anyone to the extent you’re describing. I wouldn’t have let him,” she said.
“There wasn’t much I could do about it.”
“I would have raised hell.”
“I’m not you.”
She was quiet a moment and then said something that really took me aback. “Maybe that’s something you should tell my father. I’ll talk to you later,” she said, and hung up before I could respond.
I changed my clothes, fixed my hair, put on a little lipstick, and went down to the dining room. I was surprised to see Jordan sitting there alone. She was staring out the window and looked lost in thought. She didn’t hear me enter until I pulled my chair back.
“Oh, how beautiful you look tonight, Sasha. What a good idea to dress for dinner.”
“It wasn’t my idea. Mr. March asked Mrs. Duval to tell me to,” I said.
“Oh? He didn’t say anything about that to me, but I’ve hardly spoken to him since he returned. He’s been shut up in his office because of some problem with an account.”
I saw from the way she was folding and unfolding her linen napkin that something else was bothering her. Donald’s obsessing about his work was nothing terribly new, even if he had promised to spend more time with us. She stopped playing with her napkin and looked up at me.
“I just found out that Kiera had an extended weekend holiday recently because of her school’s schedule, and she didn’t mention it or think of coming home. I didn’t want to say anything about it to Donald, but I suspect she went somewhere with this new boyfriend.” She waited for my reaction, hoping I would tell her something either to confirm or to deny it.
“I don’t know anything about that,” I said. I wasn’t going to get put in the middle here, I thought. It was like trying to put out a fire on both sides of you at once. “She hasn’t mentioned it in her e-mails and phone calls. I never knew she had time off, either.”
“Just like her, and Donald thinks she might have changed, become more responsible. He’s back to deluding himself when it comes to her, I’m afraid.”
“Who’s back to deluding himself?” Donald asked, entering the dining room. He was in one of his velvet sports jackets, a dark blue, with a slightly lighter tie. I saw he had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
For a moment, Jordan was speechless. Then she looked from him to me and back to him. “Why didn’t you tell me we were all getting dressed up for dinner tonight?”
“Well, you always do, Jordan. Sasha and I are the ones who usually look like poor relatives at dinner.”
“I hardly think so, Donald. What’s special about this evening, anyway?”
“Aha. That’s the real surprise. I happened to run into Dr. Steiner, the principal of Pacifica, after my lunch today,” he said as he sat. “She told me our Sasha has moved into a commanding lead for class valedictorian.”
Jordan turned to me. “Is that true? Why didn’t you say anything, Sasha?”
“It’s far too early for the school to determine that,” I said.
“Not according to Dr. Steiner. The boy running second isn’t even close, and they decide on the basis of only two more grading periods. Wouldn’t that be something?” he asked Jordan. “She’ll be making the speech at graduation. Won’t you be very proud?”
“Of course.”
“What a publicity campaign I could run for this school, taking a girl with her background and bringing her to the top of her class.” He paused and said, “If I were so inclined to do so. However, this is all too personal for us,” he quickly added. “Nevertheless, we are very proud of you, Sasha, and to show our pride, I bought you a little gift. It’s time you had some of your own jewelry, anyway, and stopped being dependent on Jordan or Kiera.”
He handed me the box. I looked at Jordan.
She was as surprised as I was, only she didn’t look happily surprised. She looked a little angry, in fact. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to do something like this, Donald?” she asked. “I think I might have helped choose something appropriate.”
“Oh, I think this will be appropriate.”
“And when did you have time to shop for such a thing, or did you assign it to one of your secretaries?”
“No, no, I did this myself. I told you I was going to devote more time to my girls, didn’t I? Now you can think about the dress you’re going to buy her this Saturday an
d how it would go with what’s in the box. Of course, she can wear it at dinner tomorrow night as well.”
“Really? Well, what’s in the box?” Jordan asked, and nodded at me to open it.
I looked toward the kitchen door. Either Donald had told Mrs. Duval and Mrs. Caro to hold dinner, or they were listening and waiting to give the three of us time alone. I began to tear away the gift wrapping. I opened the box and took out a beautiful black pearl necklace in a setting of diamonds with a white gold chain. It glittered in the light of the chandelier. Donald leaped out of his seat and came around behind me. Jordan had yet to speak.
“Let’s just see how it looks on her now, huh?” Donald said, taking the necklace from my fingers and undoing the clasp. He put it around my neck and fastened it. It fell softly a few inches below the base of my throat. “Well?”
“That’s the most beautiful piece of costume jewelry I’ve seen lately,” Jordan said. “I’ll have to compliment you, Donald. Very nice.”
“It’s not costume jewelry,” Donald replied.
“It’s not?”
“She’s doing real things. Why not give her real things?”
Jordan was speechless again. She rose out of her chair slowly and came over to look more closely at the necklace. Then she looked at Donald. “You never bought anything this expensive for Kiera.”
“Kiera barely graduated, Jordan, and have you forgotten those diamond earrings of yours she lost? What were they, five thousand dollars?”
“You didn’t make a big thing of it then, Donald. You claimed it on insurance.”
“Why make a point of it now?” he said sharply. “Doesn’t this look beautiful on her? Make sure you get a dress for her that shows the necklace well,” he added. “Do you like it, Sasha?”
“How could anyone not like it? It’s very beautiful,” I said. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. As I said, we’re proud of your accomplishments and very impressed with all of the top schools that have accepted you, some offering scholarships. You know they want you very much, and why shouldn’t they? It adds to their prestige to have students like you.”
He returned to his seat. Jordan stared at the necklace for a moment more and then returned to her seat. I looked at the necklace again. The first thought I had was, what was Kiera going to say when she heard about this? Her father didn’t have time to talk to her, but he had time to go shopping for a necklace for me? Her last remark on the phone echoed. Any other girl in my position would probably be ecstatic to be given such a piece of jewelry, but I felt as numb as someone seeing an impending storm charging in from the horizon.