My pulse ticked up all over again as I stared at this woman who’d become my friend in a mere matter of days, unable to answer.
Was I sure? Was this really what I wanted? My mouth couldn’t seem to form words. My throat felt as if I’d swallowed a ball of cotton.
“Yes, this is what she wants,” Luc said at my side.
Felicity flicked an unsure look his way, and my gaze followed, but Luc still wouldn’t look at me. His eyes were guarded, his jaw clenched, his shoulders as tense as I’d ever seen them. Even out here in the dark where we were safe and no one could touch us.
“Because this isn’t something you can change your mind about,” Felicity said warily, looking back at me. “Once I make the handoff with my operators, the risk to my team is too great. You won’t be allowed to come back here. And you can never return to your family in the States. You’ll have a new identity, a new life, everyone you’ve ever known will think you’re dead. It’s the only way this works. It’s the only way everyone involved stays safe.”
I thought of my mother on her farm in Montana with my stepfather, and pain lanced my chest at the thought of never seeing her again. But that pain paled in comparison to the pain suddenly stabbing into every inch of my skin when I glanced at Luc again. When I thought of never waking up next to him, never feeling his body pressed against mine, never again tasting his lips and losing myself in his kiss, in his scent, in his warmth, in his love.
“She’s sure.” Luc pulled the passenger door open. “You both need to go before someone realizes we disappeared. It’s not safe for Natalie to be out in the open like this.”
His voice was all business. Not even a hint of emotion in his stone-cold words. And I saw from the frown on Felicity’s face that she caught it too. Caught it and did not approve.
She looked back at me and squeezed my hand once more. “Last chance. What do you want, Natalie?”
I opened my mouth—
“She wants what we all want.” Luc grasped my upper arm and pulled me away from Felicity. “She wants to get the hell out of this fucked-up House. Stop asking questions we all know the answer to.”
Felicity sighed and turned toward Marco. The two whispered something I couldn’t hear because Luc was all but pushing me into the car.
My heart pounded hard, echoing like doomed drumbeats in my ears, and my hands shook, my heart and mind still at complete odds about what I should do, what I really wanted, and what was the right decision. All I knew was that this was not the way it was supposed to end. Not after the things Luc had made me feel, not when that connection still burned hot between us. Not when my heart was telling me this was wrong.
I struggled against him. The air caught in my lungs. Instead of dropping to the seat as I knew he wanted me to do, I wrapped my arms around his waist and held on tight while tears flooded my eyes and a searing pain ripped right through the center of my chest. “Luc...”
He froze.
I held him tighter and pressed my face to his throat.
His hands closed over my shoulders, but he didn’t push me away. He just held still, his heart thumping rapidly in my ear, his chest rising and falling slowly against me.
Long moments passed. I couldn’t stop the tears from sliding past my lashes. Couldn’t keep from hoping he’d wrap his arms around me, tug me away from the car, and beg me not to leave. But he didn’t. He only swallowed against me and very quietly in my ear said, “You were right. There’s nothing here for you anymore. Nothing but shattered promises and misery to look forward to. It’s time for you to go. I want you to leave before you end up broken and angry like me.”
His fingertips dug into my shoulders, and very carefully, he pushed me away, stepping back until his touch was nothing but a memory and I was left standing cold and alone beside the open car door in the darkness.
For the first time since he’d kissed me, our eyes met and held. But through blurry vision I didn’t see the anger he claimed was in him. I didn’t see a broken man. I just saw the man I loved, his eyes filled with regret. A regret that cut me to the quick because I knew this was not what he really wanted. This was what he thought I wanted. This was what he thought was best for me. Only I suddenly couldn’t think about me. The only word echoing in my head was us.
“Natalie,” Felicity said from inside the car. “If we’re going, we have to leave now.”
Marco stepped into my line of sight, blocking my view of Luc, and gently took me by the elbow, helping me into the vehicle. He and Felicity exchanged quick words as he stretched my seatbelt over my lap and Felicity latched it, then he closed my door with a snap and moved back.
The engine hummed, and the car pulled away from the side of the road. It all happened in a blur. So fast I barely had time to process let alone react. All I could do was stare at Luc standing in the shadows as we pulled away, his hands in his pockets, his eyes locked on the car. All while a blinding pain overwhelmed my senses.
This was what I wanted, wasn’t it? Freedom? The chance to make my own decisions? Then why did I hurt so bad? And why did I suddenly feel as if I was making the biggest mistake of my life?
Chapter Twenty
Luc
Marco pulled the Mercedes to a stop in front of the guesthouse and shifted into park, illuminating the dark cottage.
For a moment, I sat still in the passenger seat and stared at the stone structure, searching for any sign Natalie had changed her mind and come back, but no lights flipped on inside the house. No curtains moved indicating anyone was inside. The place was as cold and silent and empty as I felt. A realization that sent my mood spiraling even darker.
“You sure you don’t want to stay up at the main house?” Marco asked, turning off the ignition. “Plenty of guest rooms.”
“You worried about me being alone?”
“Maybe.”
I huffed. Not maybe. Definitely. “I’m fine here. I’ll probably just fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow,” I lied.
“Luc—”
I pushed my door open and climbed out, not wanting advice or a pep talk or any kind of heart-to-heart that would only make me feel worse. Marco followed, closing his door with a frown as he tossed me the keys. “Offer’s still open if you change your mind at any time.”
I wouldn’t.
I caught the keys and pushed them into my pocket. Marco turned to walk up to the main house but stopped several steps up the hill and looked back. “You did the right thing. I know it sucks, but it’s better in the long run.”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t know how to answer.
“Get some sleep, Luc.” Marco turned back for the main house. “You look like shit.”
As his footsteps faded in the distance, I drew a deep breath and climbed the porch steps. Inside, the house was just as quiet as it had looked from the car, and as I moved through the dark living room into the bedroom, all I could think about was Natalie—sitting on the couch reading one of the magazines I’d brought her, eating at the table in the kitchen, standing at the window gazing out at the view, sound asleep and looking like an angel in that big bed...
I stopped in the doorway to the bedroom and stared at the empty bed, which she’d made sometime during the day. The comforter was smooth and perfect, the pillows stacked decoratively against the headboard. My mind skipped back to the way it had looked last night when I’d carried her in here from the couch—messy sheets, pillows askew, my body pinning her to the mattress as I held her hands above her head and kissed her. As I forced her to kiss me back.
“Say you can’t live without me the way I can’t live without you.”
“Dammit. I do need you. I only need you.”
My eyes burned, and I blinked quickly, looking away from the bed. A sparkle caught my attention from across the room. Still blinking to keep the tears at bay, I narrowed my gaze on the shimmering object only to realize it was her ring. Sitting on the top of my dresser.
A hole opened up inside me. One that was so wide and dark an
d empty, I was afraid it would suck me in and completely consume me. Unable to breathe, I turned quickly out of the room, crossed the dark living space, and didn’t draw a full gulp of air until I was standing on the porch with the front door closed tightly at my back.
I couldn’t stay in this cottage without Natalie. I wouldn’t risk going up to the main house and Marco seeing my pathetic breakdown. The only place I could think to go was somewhere I didn’t really want to be. But I didn’t have any other options, and if I stayed here—
Thoughts of Natalie climbing over me on the couch last night filled my mind again, making that burn reignite behind my eyes.
Shit, if I stayed here, I was going to completely fucking lose it, which I couldn’t let happen because Dante still needed me.
Before I could change my mind, I tugged Marco’s keys from my pocket and jogged down the porch steps.
Then I climbed into the vehicle and told myself Marco was right. I’d done the right thing by letting Natalie go. In the long run, it was better for her, better for my House, better for everyone that I was unattached.
Even if I knew it would never be better for me.
I spent at least an hour with Dante in the Tomb—probably longer, though I had no concept of time.
My brother was no longer feverish, but he was still under the influence of whatever drugs they were giving him. I’d brought him food, which he didn’t eat, and fresh water, which he barely drank. His bruises looked better, not quite so purple and the edges fading to yellow in some spots, but I feared for what lay ahead of him. I still hadn’t figure out how the hell I was going to get him to defend himself before the Thirteen on Saturday, not in his current state. And unless I spent every single moment with him between now and then, there was no guarantee they wouldn’t shoot him up with something to keep him comatose.
The fact I had nothing to leave him for trickled through my mind, but I tried not to think about that too much. If they wanted him drugged, they’d find a way to drug him whether I was here or not. My best course of action would be to spend my time searching for Maricella. Once I found her, I could convince him to pull himself together—for her sake. Marco’s men still hadn’t had any luck tracking her down, but I had nothing but time now. Time to find her and set at least one part of this nightmare right.
I pulled Dante’s blanket over his shoulders where he lay on the floor next to me, finally asleep. Cringing at the ache in my legs, I pushed to my feet, then crossed to the cell door and quietly called for the guard. At this point, the guards were used to me coming and going and barely spared me a glance. Outside the old church, I drew a deep breath in the moonlight, cursing my luck it was still night, and climbed into the car.
Forty-five minutes later, I pulled to a stop in front of the guesthouse once more and killed the engine. The place was still dark and silent, and even though I was exhausted and needed sleep, it was the last place I wanted to be. Climbing out, I pocketed the keys and decided maybe in the daylight, I could face the empty cottage, but not now. So I bypassed the front door, walked around to the back of the house, and headed for the long dock that stretched thirty feet out over the dark lake.
Water lapped gently against the wooden posts. Moonlight reflected off the surface of the lake, making it look almost like glass. When I reached the end of the dock, I lowered myself to the boards and let my legs swing over the side, gripping the wood at my sides as I looked down at the dark liquid rippling below my shoes.
For a moment, I considered sliding into that water, letting it bubble above my head, losing myself in that darkness I’d been fighting for so long. Then I thought about the fact the water probably wasn’t very deep here, that giving up wasn’t going to help matters, especially Dante, and that fighting—even if I never seemed to be able to win—was the only damn thing I knew how to do.
“Cazzo,” I whispered, staring at the water, thinking about Natalie and where she might be by now. Giving in sounded pretty fucking tempting. Especially when the thought of facing all the shit alone no longer held any kind of appeal for me.
“Don’t jump,” a familiar voice said softly at my back. “I won’t be able to save you.”
My heart sped up, and I twisted to look over my shoulder, then jerked to my feet when I spotted the woman I’d just been thinking about standing on the far end of the dock.
“What...? How...?”
Natalie was still wearing that insanely tight leather dress and was as barefoot as she’d been when she’d climbed into that car. But she’d thrown a light sweater over her shoulders, and she’d lost the wig so now her soft curls framed her face and hung down past her shoulders, making her look every bit the angel I remembered.
I crossed toward her, unsure what she was doing, why she’d come back, unsure about everything except for the fact…she was here.
“Are you all right? Did something happen?”
“No, I’m not all right.” She stepped up onto the dock. “You let me go.”
My brow dropped as her statement echoed in my head. “Of course I did. It’s what you asked me to do.”
“Yes”—she took another step toward me—“but I asked you to let me go when we were on your island and you didn’t. Why this time? What was different now?”
I wasn’t entirely sure why this mattered. “When we were on the island, I knew you were mad, but I thought some part of you still wanted to be with me. Tonight, I finally realized you don’t.”
“But I do.”
I blinked, sure I’d heard her wrong. She stepped even closer, until that grapefruit and vanilla scent swirled all around me, but I didn’t reach out. Because if she wasn’t real and this was just a dream, I didn’t want to wake.
“Tell me the truth,” she said softly, looking up at me in the moonlight. “You said I was safe with you, as your wife, that your House couldn’t touch me. Is that still true?”
My heart picked up speed until it was a whir in my ears, but I was still too afraid to get my hopes up. “Yes. I have a meeting with the Knights in a couple of days. Once our marriage paperwork is validated—which it will be—you’re completely safe. It’s just the interim period until then when you need to be careful.”
“So when you said they’re afraid of me—”
“I meant it. They’re afraid of you because they know as soon as our marriage is validated, you’re untouchable.”
“But you’re not.”
I wasn’t sure what she was getting at.
She moved even closer, until her body heat washed over mine, making me light-headed, making me itch to reach out and grab her. But I didn’t, because if that wasn’t what she was here for—
“How do I keep you safe?” she asked softly. “How do I make sure they don’t steal you away from me and that you’ll always only be mine?”
My heart contracted. It was the same conversation we’d had in that dungeon room. When she’d told me she couldn’t live with the secrets, with the uncertainty, with the things the men in my house were subjected to. “You love me.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s all you’ve ever had to do. As long as I know you love me, they can’t influence me. They can’t make me one of them. And they’ll never be able to break us. Our love is stronger than them because it comes from a place of light, angioletto. It comes from you.”
Tears filled her eyes. “No, it comes from us.”
For a heartbeat, I couldn’t breathe. And then she reached for my hand with her silky soft fingers, and said, “Okay.”
My heart nearly stopped. “Okay?”
“Okay, here’s what I want. No more deception—intentional or otherwise. No more secrets. No more keeping me in the dark. I don’t want to know everything—I don’t think I could handle being privy to the illegal things your father’s doing with his businesses—but if something directly impacts you or me or us, then I need to know what that is. And no more protecting me from things you think may hurt me or add stress to my life. We’re partners. If som
ething affects you, it affects me. I can’t keep you safe if I don’t know what’s happening.”
My breath caught. “Are you saying—?”
“I’m saying...” She moved into me, let go of my hand, and trailed her fingertips up my chest until tingles and heat were all I felt. “I realized halfway to Milan that loving you isn’t a choice. It’s my life. And if I don’t have you, I don’t have a life. You swept into my world like a hurricane and completely upended everything, and I can’t go back to the way things were before you. I don’t want to. I want you and me and this crazy marriage for however long it lasts. I’m willing to risk everything for it. Just as long as you feel the same way.”
“Ah, Dio.” The power of her words encircled my fractured heart, gathered all the shattered pieces, and fused them back together. Lifting my hands to her face, I lowered my head toward hers and whispered, “Lo voglio. I love you, Natalie. Only you.”
She pushed to her toes and brushed her lips against mine. And, unable to hold back, I opened at the first touch, tasting her sweetness, drawing her into my heat, kissing her again and again as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer, frantic to consume her, to climb inside her, to never ever let her go again.
“You’re mine, angioletto,” I whispered between kisses. “All mine, and I’m yours.”
“Prove it.”
I groaned and grew instantly hard, aching with the need to prove just how much I did love her, right this very second.
“Prove it by marrying me.”
I drew back a breath from her lips, sure I’d heard her wrong—again. But when I looked down, the challenging sparkle in her eyes brought everything to a standstill.
Slowly, with her gaze locked on mine in the moonlight, she dropped to her knees in front of me on the dock and tugged something shiny from the pocket of her white sweater. “I know that technically we’re already married, but I don’t remember the ceremony or the vows. And I want to. I want to stand up in front of a priest or a minister or a judge or a rabbi—I don’t care which—and I want to remember saying in front of anyone who will listen, that I choose you. That I choose us.”