He gave her a quick synopsis of the meeting and the concerns he and their attorney were feeling.
“I have another concern for you.” Lisa’s tone grew heavier than he’d heard it in a long time. “It’s Kelly. She isn’t doing well.”
“How do you know?”
“She hasn’t been to Bible study in four weeks, and every time I see her she makes some excuse about why she can’t get together or talk. Even her friend Laurie hasn’t gotten anywhere with her.”
Keith hated this, hated the way nothing they did was easy. “What do you think’s the problem?”
“Honestly? I think she’s depressed. She hasn’t been doing her hair or taking care of herself. It seems like she’s withdrawing from everyone.” Lisa hesitated. “Chase must know something’s wrong.”
“He’s aware of it, but we’re busy all the time. It’s easy to forget the trouble back home.” Keith massaged his brow. “We can’t lose this movie deal with Brandon Paul.”
“Well, he better start remembering Kelly.” She sounded more worried than frustrated. “Otherwise he’ll lose more than a movie deal.”
“That bad?” Keith glanced over his shoulder at his friend. He was sitting next to Kendall, the two of them lost in some conversation that involved Stephanie and seemed to shut out the rest of the world.
“Yes. Talk to him, please. Maybe she needs counseling or medication. Something.”
“I think she still worries about whether we can really make a living doing films.”
“Of course she does. We all do.” The calm was back in Lisa’s voice. “It’s just maybe Kelly worries more than the rest of us. She’s taking care of two little girls by herself, living on a budget that’s barely realistic.”
Keith knew. He was worried about the movie situation too — both The Last Letter and Unlocked. But he’d walked by faith before, and he wouldn’t stop now.
As he hung up with Lisa, he closed his eyes and lifted a silent prayer on behalf of Kelly Ryan. She needs You, God. She needs a touch from You, a reminder. Because all of us need to walk by faith. It’s just a matter of remembering that on a daily basis. So help her remember. In Jesus’ name, amen.
He returned to the table and the discussion, which was about supporting cast for Unlocked. He would pray with Chase later on — about the movie and the challenge of working with NTM, and about his home life.
Because if that fell apart, the rest would too.
Nineteen
KELLY WAS SICK AND TIRED of feeling sick and tired. She was doing it to herself, she knew that, and still she couldn’t stop. For the past ten years, every time she’d hit a low like this she could muscle her emotions around and order herself to get in line again. God would meet her in the moment and she’d wake up one morning with the strength to carry on, to right her ship before the whole thing capsized.
But none of that was true now.
She was sinking fast, taking on water at an alarming rate without any ability to find that fresh day, that new morning when she’d turn things around. She’d prayed, of course. Maybe not as often as she should have, but she prayed. And today she was doing something she should’ve done a month ago. She was meeting with Laurie. Four times she’d cancelled, but today was Friday and Kelly had the feeling that if she didn’t meet with her friend, the weekend would be terrible. She’d slip into an even darker place, one that maybe she’d never find her way free of.
Laurie arrived after lunch, and the two hugged for a long time. “You’re not okay, are you?” She searched Kelly’s eyes.
“No. I’m not.” She wasn’t ready to admit her obsessive overeating — not that she needed to say anything. None of her old clothes fit at this point. The trouble was obvious to anyone looking. “I feel dead.”
Laurie squeezed her hand and the two of them made iced tea in the kitchen. Spring was finally in the air after a long and mostly gloomy winter. Now it was late April and temperatures were already pushing eighty. Molly and Macy were practically desperate to get outside and try Molly’s new bicycle, the one she’d gotten for her birthday. They’d waited until Chase was home for her to open it — partly because he’d needed to assemble it and partly because it made everyone feel like he hadn’t missed Molly’s birthday. But he’d missed it. Kelly was still frustrated about the fact.
They took their drinks outside to the small front porch. Macy laid a blanket out on the front yard, where she and her pink baby doll sat side by side. “Ready, Molly. Show me how!”
“‘Kay, watch me!” Molly had walked her bike down to the driveway next door and now she was making her way toward them. The bike had training wheels, but they were adjusted high on the bike to give Molly as much a feel of a real ride as possible.
“The girls seem well.” Laurie sat in the chair farthest from the sidewalk — in case Kelly needed to get to the girls quickly.
“They are.” Kelly shrugged, hating the feeling strangling her heart. “They’re doing great, completely unconcerned.” She positioned her chair so the sun was on her face, and she slipped on a pair of sunglasses. “I guess this is our normal now.”
“Life has a way of doing that, giving us a new normal just when we thought we had things all figured out.” Laurie smiled. “The key to life isn’t looking for a safe sameness with every passing season. It’s learning to enjoy the ride, whatever the next turn in the road might bring. Believing that God’s driving, and He’ll get us home safely — however bumpy the trip.”
Kelly played her friend’s words over in her head again. “Hmmm. Sounds nice.”
“Because it’s true.” Laurie took a drink of her iced tea. “Sometimes … it isn’t the circumstances, but us.” She winced a little. “Know what I mean?”
Of course she did. Kelly managed a sad laugh. “It’s definitely me this time. I’m eating all wrong, and telling myself the wrong things about my marriage. I haven’t jogged or walked or done a sit-up in months. I can barely get out of bed. Every night I promise myself it’ll be different tomorrow, but morning comes and it’s the same old routine.” Her voice cracked and she had to swallow a few times. “I can’t see my way out.”
“Have you talked to Chase?”
“He’s in his own world. He doesn’t know what it takes to run things all alone. Besides, he doesn’t want to be bogged down with my troubles.”
Molly was riding faster now. She was coming from the right, picking up speed and waving as she rode. “Hi, Mommy! Look!”
“That’s great, sweetie. Thataway! We’ll have those training wheels off in no time.” Kelly could turn on her enthusiasm for the girls. Very few people knew that she was dying inside, and even here with Laurie, she didn’t want to be entirely honest.
“My turn.” Macy stood, her doll forgotten. She watched her sister ride past and then turn around. This time as Molly blazed down the sidewalk toward them, Macy ran out and used her body to create a roadblock. With her legs spread, arms out, she shouted at Molly. “Stop, now! My turn!”
But as good as Molly was at picking up speed, she had far less practice at stopping. “Macy! Move!”
Kelly saw the accident coming. “Macy!”
Her younger daughter looked toward the front porch just as Molly lost control of her bike. Rather than plow straight into her sister, Molly jerked the handlebars to the left and flipped her bike on top of herself. A shrill scream followed, the kind that told everyone something was seriously wrong. Macy knew instantly that the crash was her fault. She covered her mouth with both hands and gasped loud enough for all of them to hear — even above Molly’s cries. “Molly … sorry! Sorry, Molly.”
Kelly and Laurie were both on their feet running toward Molly, but Kelly reached her first. With a strength she wasn’t feeling, she lifted the bike from her daughter’s crumpled body and tossed it on the grass. “Molly, baby! Are you okay?”
Molly rolled onto her back and some of her injuries were immediately transparent. She had a scraped cheek and a cut on her forearm.
“Her arm doesn’t look right.” Laurie pointed to Molly’s right forearm. “See there, how it’s at an angle?”
Kelly didn’t have to look very hard. No question Molly’s arm bone was positioned in a way that was grotesquely abnormal. Macy started crying, her hands still over her mouth. “Sorry, Molly!”
Molly’s screams quieted, but she was still crying hard, her sobs shaking her small frame. “M-m-my arm!” She held out the word arm, letting it fill the air like a desperate plea. “It hur-r-r-ts!”
Kelly didn’t have to ask Laurie if she thought her daughter’s arm was broken. But Kelly wasn’t sure what to do next — whether to take Molly inside or try to wrap the arm, and how she was going to calm down Macy in the meantime. Her breathing came faster, and pain gripped her chest. Get a grip, Kelly. But even as she ordered herself, she felt a layer of sweat building on her forehead. Why couldn’t she breathe? Panic raced through her, flooding her veins.
“Kelly?” Laurie looked hard at her. “You’re okay. Breathe out.”
“I … I can’t.”
“My arrrmmm!” Molly’s sobs were growing loud again. “Mommy, make it stop!”
“Sorry, Molly!” Macy paced a few steps in either direction, her hands over her face.
She couldn’t do this, couldn’t handle it. Not another minute. “No.” Kelly shook her head at Laurie. “I … I can’t … breathe.”
“You can.” Laurie remained calm. She stared straight into Kelly’s eyes and put a hand on her shoulder. “Exhale.”
Another series of gasps and Kelly felt herself getting dizzy, losing consciousness. “I … can’t.”
Laurie rubbed her hand along Kelly’s back. “Breathe out. You’re going to be fine. Come on. Purse your lips and push out the air.” Laurie paused. “Dear Lord, we need You here. Please, give Kelly peace. Help her breathe.”
Kelly did as she was told. She exhaled through pursed lips. At first only a small amount of air slipped through, but gradually, with each breath, she felt herself grow calmer. The whole time Laurie prayed, Molly waited for someone to help her, and Macy cried out her apologies.
With her breathing more normal, the panic subsided enough that Kelly could kneel by Molly and stroke her hair. “It’s okay, baby. It’ll be okay.”
Laurie was the first one with a plan. “Why don’t you take her to Emergency. I’ll stay here with Macy.”
The idea was the only one that made sense. Kelly tried to concentrate, but lately her mind had been a jumble of emotions that couldn’t be captured or tamed. Life happened pretty much in a fog around her.
She ran inside, grabbed a spray bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some cotton pads and hurried back to Molly, still lying on the ground crying. “Here, baby. This won’t hurt too much.”
“Noooo.” She thrashed about, making the blood on her cheek run halfway down her face. “Please, Mommy … No more!”
In the background, Kelly could see Laurie take hold of Macy’s hand and lead her into the house. Kelly stared at Molly, at the blood on her face and the strange angle of her forearm. What am I doing? The doctor can clean up her cheek. I need to get her to the hospital. She ran halfway to the house and then stopped and turned around again. She couldn’t leave Molly here on the sidewalk. She dropped the spray bottle and cotton pads and held her hand out to Molly. “Baby, you have to get up. We need to go to the doctor’s.”
“My aaaarrrm.” Molly was sobbing harder now. “It huurrrts.”
“I know, sweetie. The doctor will help.” She crouched down and took hold of Molly’s left arm. Gently, carefully she eased her daughter to her feet. “Want me to carry you?”
“Y-y-y-es!”
Molly was still very light, but now Kelly wasn’t sure she had the strength or energy to pick her up. She stooped down and tried her hardest to bounce Molly up onto her hip. But instead Molly slid back to the ground, still crying. Kelly’s heart responded by racing into double-time. “Please, Mommy … I can’t walk!”
For a few seconds, Kelly once more felt nothing but sheer panic. If Chase were here he would sweep their daughter up into his arms and they’d already be on their way. “Okay, baby. Mommy’s gonna try again.”
This time Kelly swung Molly onto her hip, but as she stood and took a few steps, her heart slammed around in her chest. If she carried her daughter all the way to the car, she wondered if she might have a heart attack. She stopped, out of breath, and set Molly down. “I need you to walk, baby. Mommy doesn’t feel good.”
Something in Kelly’s tone must’ve convinced Molly that she needed to do her part. Together they walked to the car and Kelly buckled Molly into her booster seat. Only then did she realize she didn’t have her keys. “I’ll be right back.”
“No … Nooooo, don’t go!” Molly shrieked, straining against the belt. “My aaaarm!”
Kelly could still hear her screaming as she ran inside, grabbed her purse, and flew back out to the driver’s seat. “I’m here now, baby. Mommy’s back.”
Molly was sobbing so hard she could barely breathe, and she didn’t get any calmer the entire way to the hospital. The whole way Kelly fought from slipping into another full-blown panic attack. She parked and once they were inside a nurse met them in the lobby with a wheelchair.
“She … she fell off her bike.” Kelly felt like she was hyperventilating. This sometimes happened when she ate too many sweets in one day, but never in combination with an emergency. She wondered if she would pass out and fall to the ground right here in the emergency room lobby. “She … she …”
Kelly tried to breathe, but she couldn’t. Her lungs wouldn’t take in a full breath, and black spots were circling on the perimeter of her vision. The nurse seemed to sense Kelly was on the verge of hysteria. She motioned to someone behind the desk. “I need an examination room for the girl.” Then she put her hand on Kelly’s back. “Everything’s going to be okay. I want you to exhale a few times nice and slow. Then you can tell me what happened.”
Kelly felt like she was going to be sick. Whatever she’d eaten that day, it wasn’t helping. She was winded and heavy and unable to handle the emergency playing out around her. What if it were worse? What if Molly had hit her head? Would Kelly be so disabled that she’d slip into cardiac arrest, unable to assist her daughter? This is it, God. I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve got to get control again — I’m finished with this craziness. I need You to help me be finished with it. I feel like I’m dying and I can’t even think clearly.
“Breathe out …” The nurse sounded like she was losing patience. A second nurse joined them and carefully pushed Molly through the emergency room door.
“Mommmy!”
Kelly felt faint. Help me, God … I can’t do this! The nurse’s voice was very near her face, and finally Kelly did the same thing she’d done before with Laurie, pursing her lips and forcing a few breaths. After the third, she felt herself begin to calm down — just enough so she could finally inhale. As soon as she wasn’t worried about passing out, she tried to shake off her own panic and she took her place next to Molly. “It’s okay, baby.” She sounded weak, but she wasn’t leaving her daughter again. “Mommy’s here.”
“It hurts.” Molly stuck her lip out, her little chest still convulsing from the sobs.
They hurried into a room, and a doctor made a quick decision that Molly needed a spoonful of liquid acetaminophen for her pain and an X ray. Kelly walked with her to the room, but she had to stand back with the technician during the actual picture-taking. Her absence only made Molly cry harder, and in the distant places of her mind Kelly had a random thought. What was Chase doing right now? Sitting in some meeting at some major studio, wasn’t that it? He would have no idea that his family was in the middle of a crisis.
She waited until the X ray was finished and she and Molly were alone in the examining room before she took the receiver off the wall and dialed Chase’s cell. It rang two times, three, and after the fourth it went to his voicemail. Kelly waited for the beep. “
Chase, it’s me.” She sounded exhausted and still a little panicky. “Molly fell off her bike and maybe broke her arm. Call me, okay? We’re at the hospital.”
The diagnosis didn’t take long. By then, the emergency room doctor had stabilized Molly’s arm in a loose splint, and she’d fallen asleep, exhausted from the pain and the sobbing. The doctor pulled up a chair opposite Kelly and checked the chart he was holding. “Molly has a severe fracture in her forearm. It’s quite bad, actually. With something like this, there’s really only one way to set it, and that’s through surgery.”
Surgery? Kelly felt her heartbeat pick up speed again. Molly needed surgery? With Chase gone? The black spots danced into view again and she tried to remember Laurie’s advice. Exhale. Force yourself to exhale. Please, God … get me through this.
I am with you, daughter … through even this I am with you.
The answer rang clear in her heart even over the sound of the doctor’s voice. Kelly blinked and tried to focus. God was with her. She could do this.
The doctor explained that with breaks like this, the sooner they could set it the better. “I’ve called in an expert pediatric orthopedist. He can operate this afternoon.” He studied her. “Can your husband be here by then?”
“No.” She felt sick again. “He won’t be here until late tomorrow. He’s in LA.”
“I see.” The doctor looked concerned. “Do you think you’ll be okay? I’d like someone to be here with you.”
He must’ve heard about her near-fainting episode in the waiting room. She racked her brain, thinking about what to tell him. Laurie was staying with Macy, and she would do so as long as Kelly needed her. Then she remembered. Lisa, of course. Lisa was home this week and she would come in a heartbeat. “I … I have someone.”
“Very well, then.”
She nodded, fighting the panic that breathed terrifying possibilities into her heart and mind. The doctor excused himself, and again Kelly took the phone from the wall. Her first call was to Laurie, who was more than willing to look after Macy. “I’ll be here as long as you need me,” she said. “And I’ll keep praying.”