“Here’s some water.”
I smiled, lighting up as much as I could as I reached for the offered plastic bottle. “Bless you.”
“What happened, Pen?”
The bottle was to my lips, and I drank half of it before I could bring myself to stop. My stomach gurgled a warning as it prepped itself. “It was bad. Really bad.”
She frowned. “How bad?”
“Apocalyptic.” I sighed, mouth dry and heart wrung out. I took another drink to buy time and to attempt to mend my busted up body. “I drank about ten shots of tequila on an empty stomach, kissed Rodney, and fought with Bodie.”
Her eyes blew open like I’d electrocuted her. “You kissed Rodney?” she said way too loud.
I winced from the memory and the decibel. “Shhh! Fuck, you don’t have to yell. Jesus.”
Her face pinched in anger. “I cannot fucking believe you, Penny! How could you do that to Bodie? God, it’s like I don’t even fucking know you!”
My eyes squeezed shut as my head rang. “Seriously, you have to bring it down, or I’m gonna hurl. I didn’t kiss him like that. Just calm down and let me explain.”
She folded her arms across her chest, and I took a deep breath, taking another sip of water to fortify me, wishing it could bring my dried up soul back to life.
“We were at the show, and Bodie was acting all angry and weird and didn’t seem to even want to be there. And at the end of the show, Rodney spotted me and called me up onstage to sing to me.”
“He did not,” she breathed, mouth open.
“He fucking did, that cockgobbler. He sang to me, and then he kissed me. Onstage. In front of everyone. Including Bodie.”
She cupped her mouth with her hands.
“Yeah. So beyond fucked up. That stupid fucker with his stupid fucking hands on my ass, like he had any right to touch me. And what could I even do? A hundred phones were pointed at me, and frankly, I was stunned stupid. But the second I could get away, I chased Bodie out — because of course he’d left; I would have left me too — and we got into this huge fight. Then Rodney came out, and Bodie punched him in the nose.”
She was blinking now, hands still over her mouth.
“And then he left us there, and Rodney was being Rodney, so I punched him in the eye.”
“You didn’t!” she said from behind her hands.
I held up my right hand, knuckles out, and rested my head against the headrest, closing my tired eyes.
“Get the fuck out of here. How are you going to work today?”
“I don’t even know.” All that water I’d had to drink hit my stomach and began to reverse direction. “Everything sucks. Literally everything. I just want to go home and die slowly, alone, in my bed.”
“Are you gonna talk to Bodie?”
“I don’t know, Ramona. I don’t think he wants to see me again.”
“You have to try. You can’t just walk away. You can’t just give up.”
I shook my head, heartbroken and exhausted and worn down. “I don’t want to talk about it, not right now.”
“But—”
I held up a hand and burped with my lips closed. “Ramona. I need to get through today. And—” Bile raced up my throat, and I scrambled out of my chair. “I’m gonna puke.”
I ran to the bathroom, hitting the john just in time for the volcano to blow, the mass quantities of alcohol I’d consumed leaving me in a burning rush. And the minute that hell was over, my stomach almost sighed, having exorcised the demon, leaving my body feeling frayed and threadbare but less like it was going to expire.
I only wished the same could be said for my heart.
* * *
Bodie
It was after noon by the time I finally woke. I’d slept like I was dead, a deep, dreamless sleep. But I woke feeling like I hadn’t slept at all.
My stiff body creaked and groaned to life, and when I rolled over and slid my hand under my pillow, pain shot up my forearm and into my heart.
I’d clocked Rodney.
I’d lost Penny.
I flipped onto my back and hooked my arm over my face, sending me into darkness. Images flashed behind my lids like a horror show. Penny watching Rodney, her blue hair foreign, a change I’d known nothing about, a change that had felt like its intention was to isolate me, separating me from her. Penny up on that stage with Rodney’s lips against hers, lips that were mine, lips that had been avoiding me. His hand on her ass and his face buried in her ear — that was the thought that hit me over and over. It had been the thought in my head when I put his face through the meat grinder.
I shouldn’t have left her there with him on the sidewalk. I shouldn’t have left her at all. I shouldn’t have said what I had, but I didn’t want to take it back either. I’d suppressed how I felt for so long that there was no holding it back, not after a fifth of whiskey and Rodney’s hands all over her.
I was wounded, and I didn’t know if I’d get over it.
The cold truth was that, over the span of the last week, since the wedding, I hadn’t seen her. She’d blown me off, leaving my calls and texts largely unanswered, and then, when I’d finally seen her, it had been a nightmare.
The more I thought about it, the more my hope sank.
Penny hadn’t said or done anything to admit that she cared for me, nothing concrete, nothing real. In fact, the way she’d been treating me over the last week only pointed to a simple, undeniable fact.
She just wasn’t that into me.
Everything I’d thought I felt, I’d made up and imagined. I’d read too much into it, and here I was. If she wanted me, I’d know. There would be no cat and mouse, no games to play. No waiting to answer or avoiding each other. And at the end of the day, that had to be my answer.
Operation: Penny Jar was a massive failure after all. I’d knocked the jar off the shelf and it had shattered, leaving broken glass and shiny copper all over the floor of my heart. I was the asshole who had ended up getting hurt after all.
My heart hardened under my sternum, calcifying and shrinking at the realization that it was over. Maybe it had never gotten started. Maybe she’d never cared about me at all.
I flipped off my sheets and climbed out of bed, wanting to leave my thoughts on my pillow but they followed me around like a ghost.
Phil and Jude were already at their computers, and they turned when I shuffled in wearing nothing but sleep pants, rubbing my eyes.
“Morning, sunshine,” Jude sang.
I humphed.
“How’s your head?”
“Fine,” I grumbled as I poured a cup of coffee. “I don’t remember coming home.” I took my mug with me to the island and sat on a stool, facing them, back against the cool counter.
Jude smirked. “You ate half of a cold pizza, drank a gallon of water, and ranted for two hours. I’d give you another high five for decking Roddy, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
I inspected my hand, bruised and cut up and aching, just like my heart. “Fuck that guy.”
Phil watched me. “You gonna be okay?”
“Don’t really have a choice, do I?” I took a sip of coffee when I should have let it cool off, and a scalding trail burned down my chest.
“I don’t mean to be a dick,” Phil started, which indicated he was about to be a dick, “but you’ve been gone, distracted, checked out, man. We’re so close, but we need you to get to the end of this thing. I want you to be happy, but she’s driving you crazy, and we don’t have time for crazy right now.”
I nodded, eyes down and heart sinking. “It’s over. And I’m here. I’m ready. No more distractions. This — the game, you guys — this is my priority. I’m sorry I’ve been tied up with her.” Mistakes. Regret. It’s over. “She’s out of my system,” I lied and stood. “So let’s do this.”
They smiled, though their eyes were sad, and I headed back to my room to put on a shirt.
When I picked up my phone, I found myself looking for her name, for a text, a call. Anything. But I onl
y found the time. And the time said to move on.
So I powered it down and tossed it into my nightstand where it could stay in the dark.
19
TURN BACK, ICARUS
Penny
“Don’t worry, Penny. Tacos will make everything better,” Veronica said as she hooked her arm in mine.
This was untrue. Tacos could solve a lot of problems, but Bodie and I were not one of them.
The sun blazed down on the three of us, Ramona at my other side, as we headed toward a taco joint to pick up lunch for the shop, and I found myself frowning, eyes on the sidewalk in front of me, feeling like utter shit. Batshit, if I were being accurate, because my shit was crazy.
It had been three days, four texts, two phone calls, and a bottle of Patrón, and I found myself even further away from closure with Bodie than I had been on the night I last saw him.
His silence should have been enough to let me know how he felt. But instead, I’d been driven mad with a thousand questions that only he could answer.
“Have you heard from him?” Ramona asked, reading my mind.
“Nope.” I popped the P as my mood sank a little deeper.
“Ugh,” she groaned. “This just doesn’t even feel like him, does it?”
“No, it doesn’t. But I seriously fucked it up. I just can’t help but wonder if that’s really it. Is it over? If I apologized, would it be okay? He won’t answer me though, so there’s not really anything I can do. I just wish I knew. I wish I had a chance to find out.”
Veronica frowned but said nothing.
I rambled on. “I’m so frustrated and butthurt and mental over it. I wonder if he’s doing it on purpose? Freezing me out to punish me?”
Veronica squeezed my arm. “Bodie wouldn’t do that. I’m sure he’s just busy. Don’t they have that video game thing coming up?”
“Yeah,” I conceded. “The whole thing sucks. I wish I could go back and do everything over again.”
Ramona nodded. “Have you thought about going over there?”
I jacked an eyebrow at her. “He’s not answering my texts, so you think I should stalk him?”
“Not stalk, just … face him.”
“Showing up over there would be crazy, which I realize I am, but that’s, like, next-level crazy.”
“Pen,” Ramona said as she hooked her arm in my free one, “you’re not crazy. You’re a mess, but you’re not crazy.”
I chuckled. “Thanks?”
“I mean it. And Bodie’s not going to think you’re crazy, especially if you apologize. I think he’ll give that to you. I’ve said from the jump that you need to just talk to him, and I think this might be your last chance.”
My heart burst apart like it had been stuffed with a lit M-80. “You think?”
“I do, on all counts. Go over there and talk to him. Tell him you’re sorry. Either he’ll tell you thanks, but no thanks or he’ll take you back. Either way, you’ll know.”
“So either I’ll be happy or miserable. That sounds super promising and not at all terrifying.”
Veronica chuckled. “Penny, you’re not afraid of anything but this one thing. I’m with Ramona. I say you should try so you can put it behind you. You’re miserable. It’s weird and very Four Horsemen.”
“I know,” I said on a soft laugh. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for how you feel.” Ramona leaned into me as we walked up to Taco Town. “But don’t be afraid to do something about your feelings either.”
She pulled open the door, and the smell of tortilla chips and greasy meat hit me like a wall of savory deliverance. I wanted to be with Bodie. I wanted to beg and grovel and get him back. And this was my last chance to do it.
“Okay,” I said, standing up a little straighter. “I’ll do it.”
Ramona smiled, big and genuine and relieved. “When?”
And I sighed against the mounting pressure in my chest. “No time like the present. I’ve got a few hours — I’ll swing by now. And maybe I’ll bring tacos as a peace offering. He can’t be mad at me if I’m holding tacos. It’s a physical law of the universe.”
Veronica laughed, and I only wished tacos were a guarantee.
* * *
Bodie
The game glitched. Again.
I huffed and raked a hand through my hair, opening the code to comb through it. Again.
I’d done nothing for three days but work, sleep, and eat. My phone had stayed in my nightstand where I left it, and though I was fully occupied with the game, a little piece of my mind was always on Penny.
I was grateful for the distraction work provided.
Sorting through how I felt was too hard.
Numbers were simple. They didn’t play games or lie — it was fact. You couldn’t argue with math. It was unfeeling and logical and right.
It was a shame hearts didn’t work the same way. They were the exact opposite of facts and reason. Hearts wanted what they wanted, regardless of the truth. And mine wanted Penny.
The sensible part of me — my brain — told me to just let it go. For the most part, I had. And the truth was, even though I wanted Penny, I didn’t know if I wanted to be with her. Not at the status quo.
And that left me straddling the fence of her corral with no idea which way to go.
In any event, I had no time to expend on the decision. And that lack of time was a blessing, a bridge to put space between us that I desperately needed. So instead of thinking of the fight or how I missed her or how she’d hurt me, I filled my brain with ones and zeroes, a buzzing hum of logic that comforted me.
Well, not at the moment. At the moment, I was wrestling with the same string of code I’d been fighting since I woke up.
A knock rapped at the door, and when Jude answered and I heard the voice on the other side of the threshold, I spun around in my chair, stood numbly, and walked toward the sound.
The first and last person I’d expected to find on my welcome mat that day was Penny.
She stood in the hallway, sneakers turned in, shoulders rounded, red bottom lip between her teeth and eyes uncertain. She looked beautiful, sweet and beautiful and dangerous, with a bag stamped with the name Taco Town clutched in her hands.
Jude and I exchanged places at the door, and rather than moving to let her in, I stepped out and closed the door, leaving us alone in the hallway.
Somehow, she shrank into herself even more.
“Hey,” she said simply.
“Hey,” I echoed.
And then we stood there in the hallway with a thousand words hanging in the air.
She broke the silence. “I brought you some tacos.”
Penny held out the bag, and I took it, opening it to look inside, not knowing what else to do. Five minutes ago, I’d been starving. Now I didn’t know if I’d ever eat again.
“Thanks.” I rolled the bag back up. “What’s up?”
Her eyes were down, and she slipped her hands into her back pockets. “I … I’m sorry to just show up like this, but I hadn’t heard from you, and …” She took a deep breath and met my eyes. “I’m sorry, Bodie. For everything. For bailing on you. For taking you to that stupid show. For hurting you. I’m … I’m sorry, and I was wrong.”
I pulled in a deep breath through my nose and let it go. “Thank you.”
Everything else I wanted to say piled up in my throat.
“I didn’t want to go to the show, and I tried to argue, but I … I just wanted to see you so badly, and I didn’t want to upset you any worse than I already had, not until I had a chance to talk to you.” She took a breath and looked down again. “I know I don’t deserve you, and I don’t deserve another shot, but I need to know if I have one. Is there a way to go back? To fix things?”
I ran my fingers across my lips and tried to put the words together the right way. “Penny, I’ve gotta be honest. Right now, I am just … I’m so done. You’re right; you hurt me, but I can’t even blame you. But this isn’t about the othe
r night. This is about us. I can’t keep up with you like I thought I’d be able to. You were always honest — you told me from the jump what you wanted, but I didn’t listen. I thought … I thought I could tame you, convince you I was worth keeping. But I didn’t think about what it would cost me. Play with fire and get burned, right? And, Pen — you are fire.”
She took a breath but didn’t say anything, just worked her bottom lip between her teeth, chin flexed like she might cry.
Please, God, don’t let her cry.
“But the bottom line is that I can’t deal with this right now. I’ve put so much on hold for you, for us, but now … now I need to go all in with the game, with my dream. Our meeting is tomorrow, and we’ve got so much to do that I don’t have the bandwidth to figure out you and me. This game, Jude and Phil — this is my life. This is everything I’ve been working for, and it’s happening right now. And I can’t handle anything besides that. I’m sorry.”
She nodded, her breath shaky. I could see she was definitely about to cry, and I wanted to scoop her into my arms and hold her, tell her I wanted her and needed her. But what I’d said was true. Penny was a white-hot flame, and I was made of wax. Holding her would ruin me.
“I’m sorry too,” she said, looking up at me again with a smile meant to be brave.
That smile broke my heart into a thousand pieces, scattered on the floor with the broken glass of the penny jar.
She took a breath with shining eyes and said, “Hit me up, Bodie, if things change.”
And I nodded and watched her walk away.
* * *
Penny
I hurried away from Bodie with tears burning my throat and sneakers flying as I rushed down the stairs and outside, dragging in a breath so heavy with humidity and pain and regret that I felt like I was drowning.
It was over.
It was over, and it was my fault.
I wrapped my arms around my ribs and walked with no destination in mind, only desire to get as far away from my problems as humanly possible. Maybe I could find a cheap, last-minute flight to Tokyo. Or Budapest. Or Mars.