‘I have devastating news, Opal,’ she said, her voice husky.
‘Morgan is . . . dead?’ I whispered, wondering if he might simply be missing in action so there could be a shred of hope.
There was none. She told me about the sniper, the injured man, Morgan’s courage.
‘They say he will be awarded a posthumous medal,’ she said proudly. ‘He was very brave.’
I had to hold onto the corner of her desk to stop myself falling down altogether. Mrs Roberts didn’t try to put her arms around me. She didn’t even touch me. But she did say, very quietly, ‘I know what this means to you.’
She didn’t, of course. She still thought I was an upstart chit of a girl who had an inappropriate association with her son. She didn’t see that I loved him, body and soul, and always would.
I didn’t cry at work. I painted my fairies, day after day, trying hard to escape into their bright fantasy world. I had time to elaborate and concentrate on exquisite detail because the deluxe fondant range wasn’t in such demand now. Sugar was in short supply, so Fairy Glen confectionery grew more and more expensive.
My fairies elongated, grew large pearl-white wings, and frequently wore white gowns too. They no longer harnessed birds or played games with little creatures. They flew solemnly through the air, their faces grave and composed.
I cried at home, every single night. Father would sometimes hear me and come and sit on my bed and put his arms round me helplessly. His release from prison had been so painful. We had been in a fever for weeks, longing to have him home with us again. On the day he returned I hung a banner across the front of the house saying WELCOME HOME, DEAREST FATHER! Mother was appalled, worried what the neighbours would say, but I didn’t care. I wanted Father to see just how much I loved him and wanted him home.
But the man who came stumbling to our front door didn’t seem like my real father any more, more like an aged grandfather. He had shrunk in size and become very stooped. He couldn’t seem to pick up his feet as he walked. He had a new way of looking, his head turning constantly from left to right, his eyes never seeming to focus. His suit didn’t fit him because he’d lost so much weight. He didn’t have a collar to his shirt, he wasn’t wearing socks, and his shoes flopped off his feet.
‘Oh my Lord, Ernest, what have they done to you?’ said Mother, starting to cry.
Father’s own face crumpled and he made a little wailing sound.
‘Don’t worry, Father!’ I said, hugging him tightly. ‘We’ll have you better in no time. All that matters is that you’re home at last.’
But even when we’d kitted Father out in his old Sunday best and given him a decent shave and haircut, he stayed the same poor bewildered old man. He was still kindly and he tried to comfort me as best he could, but it was clear he didn’t know what to say.
Even his voice had changed. He used to speak like a gentleman in low, measured tones. Now he spoke in a rush, often getting his words mixed up. The only job he could find was as a newspaper seller on the street. He’d call, ‘Star, News and Standard!’ over and over until he was hoarse, the words distorted so they sounded like a cry of pain. Sometimes he muttered the words under his breath at home, until Mother spoke to him sharply. She treated him like one of her babies, and he responded in kind, hanging his head if he felt he’d displeased her.
I’d sometimes look at his poor shabby head and wonder if all his wits had addled inside. I tried to interest him in his precious books. He’d stroke the covers and tell me how much he liked them. Sometimes he would even flick through the pages, but he never actually read them now.
He still wrote a little, using his old manuscript pages, scribbling at random in the margins or crisscrossing uneven lines over his old copperplate.
‘What are you writing, Father?’ I asked, fearing it was gibberish.
‘I’m writing my memoirs, my dear,’ he said.
‘Your memoirs?’
‘An account of my year in prison.’
‘For pity’s sake,’ said Mother. ‘Isn’t it enough that the whole street knows where you’ve been? Why do you want to advertise the fact?’
‘I feel the world needs to know what it’s like to be a gentleman in such a dreadful institution,’ said Father, with simple dignity.
I wondered if he might have a point. I even wondered if his memoir might be published at some stage. I saw it as a Dickensian exposé of our prison system and hoped it might be his salvation. But when I crept into his room and deciphered his latest scribbling, I lost heart.
Prison is very bad.
It is full of bad men.
The gaolers are bad too.
The work is very hard.
It was like a bizarre reading primer for five-year-olds. I lost all hope that it would be the saving of my poor dear father, but I think it kept him happy enough.
I tried to get him to talk about his accountancy at the shipping firm, eager to bring the real culprit to justice, but Father couldn’t bear to remember. He put his hands over his face and shook his head again and again. It seemed cruel to pursue it further. What would be the point? Father could never get his year back now. It had broken him for ever, though his nature was still sweet.
He didn’t really know why I cried so every night. He clearly still thought of me as a little girl.
‘Don’t cry, don’t cry, there there,’ he’d croon, patting my back. ‘Just a bad dream, poor girly, just a bad dream.’
He was particularly good with Mother’s babies, tickling them and fussing them and giving them rides on his knee. Mother stayed devoted to all of them, taking on another whenever one got old enough for school, but the baby she adored the most was little Danny, Cassie’s child.
Oh, Mother had been so horrified to hear that Cassie was going to have a baby.
‘Well, you’ve disgraced yourself for ever now,’ she’d said. ‘He’s still not marrying you? He’ll up and leave you when the baby’s born, you mark my words, Cassie Plumstead.’
Cassie had simply laughed at her. ‘Oh, Mother, the voice of doom as always! Daniel’s tickled pink about the baby, and so am I. He’s painting the most incredible portrait of me. It’s called Motherhood, and although I’m so enormous he’s made me look superb. He’s got a whole series of paintings in mind. He can’t wait to do one of me with the baby at my breast.’
Mother gasped in horror – but when the baby was born she couldn’t wait to see it. She came with me to Hurst Road for the first visit. She was dumbfounded by the house. I had told her many times that it was splendid, if a little shabby, but she had obstinately pictured Cassie living in squalor. She was taken aback by Daniel too.
‘Mrs Plumstead! How delightful. Cassie will be so thrilled to see you. Wait till you see our little baby boy. He’s such a stunner, an absolute cherub. He takes after his mother, of course – and indeed his grandmother,’ he said, escorting her inside.
Mother was overcome by his gallant attention, and starting dimpling and smiling, though she’d told me on our journey over there that she’d take him to task and call him a cad and a rotter.
Daniel turned back to me as he was showing Mother upstairs and pulled such a funny face that I nearly burst out laughing.
Cassie and the baby were in the large bedroom at the front of the house. It was clear that she shared the double bed with Daniel, but she had managed to Cassie-fy the entire room. It was papered with a blue rose wallpaper. Matching blue silk roses adorned the dressing-table mirror and dangled decoratively from the white wardrobes. The silk coverlet on the bed was a deeper blue that set off the pale pink of Cassie’s skin to perfection. She was wearing a soft white nightgown embroidered with tiny daisies and had threaded delicate artificial daisies in her long fair hair.
She held the baby in her arms. When we stooped to look, we saw that he really was a little cherub. I was usually indifferent to the charms of any baby, but this small nephew of mine was enchanting. He was pale pink with a rosebud mouth. He had large blue eyes with long
lashes, and very soft downy hair of the palest gold. He was wide awake, but he didn’t screw up his face and wail. He calmly gazed up at Cassie, and let himself be cuddled by Mother, and then me, without protest.
‘The little lamb. The perfect pet! Oh, the darling boy!’ Mother cooed. Then she sat herself down beside Cassie and cradled her too. ‘Oh, Cass, I’ve missed you so. Look at you, prettier than ever! Are you all right, dearie? Your confinement wasn’t too difficult?’
‘Oh, I shrieked so loud the midwife threatened to give me a good slapping,’ said Cassie. ‘The pain! I’m never letting Daniel come near me again.’ But it was obvious from the way she was looking at him that she didn’t mean a word of it.
Cassie had Daniel and little Danny. Mother had Father and all the babies. But since that terrible spring day when Mrs Roberts told me that Morgan was dead, I had no one.
I stared at the incongruously beautiful blue sky as I walked to the factory day after day and wanted to scream with the pain of it.
‘Never mind, Opal. You’ll meet another young man soon enough,’ Mother said, trying to give me some kind of clumsy comfort.
Even Cassie didn’t understand.
‘After all, you weren’t really grown-up sweet-hearts, you and Morgan. You’re still only fifteen, Opal. You must try not to mope so and have a little fun.’
There was only one person who understood – Mrs Roberts. On the rare occasions she came to the factory we recognized the anguished expression on each other’s face, though we barely spoke now.
She was absent for two months and the folk at the factory murmured anxiously. Mr Beeston was summoned to her house with the accounts books. He was questioned determinedly on his return, but he wouldn’t say a word about Mrs Roberts and her situation. The girls in the design room thought she must be seriously ill. Maybe she’d lost her mind with grief.
She reappeared in early June, very pale and noticeably thinner, but she looked composed and beautiful in her pale violet blouse and black silk skirt. She sent for me almost immediately.
I went to her, not really feeling anxious. I was so eaten up with sorrow that I couldn’t care about anything else.
‘Hello, Opal. Sit down,’ Mrs Roberts said quietly. ‘How are you feeling? You don’t look very well.’
I shrugged listlessly. I’d lost weight too because I couldn’t be bothered to eat properly. I’d lost my new figure so that my clothes all drooped on me now.
‘I know you must be missing Morgan dreadfully,’ said Mrs Roberts. ‘I think it’s affecting your work.’ She picked up one of my recent box lids. ‘They’re not really fairies any more, they’re more like little sorrowing angels.’
I knew she was right.
‘I’m sorry. I can’t seem to paint them any other way,’ I mumbled.
‘I understand. They’re exquisite in their own way but just not appropriate. Still, it doesn’t really matter now.’ She sounded very ominous.
I stared at her. ‘Are you – are you sacking me?’
‘I’m sacking everyone, Opal, even me,’ she said sadly.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m closing Fairy Glen.’
‘You’re closing the factory?’ I was so shocked I could only echo her dumbly.
‘I’m going to announce it today. It’s been very hard to keep going with just women and the older men. And the sugar supplies are so sporadic now, our situation isn’t viable. Our profits are down dramatically. If I don’t close, we will simply slide into bankruptcy.’
‘But you promised that everyone would have their jobs back when they returned from the war,’ I said.
‘Opal, there will be precious few of our men returning from this war,’ she said. ‘I feel very sad about all my loyal workers now, but there’s a big new munitions factory opening in Miledon, and many will find work there.’
‘Couldn’t you just close for the duration of the war?’
‘Who knows when it will end? And to tell you the truth, Opal, I’ve simply lost heart. I can’t see the point of struggling to keep the factory going when Morgan isn’t here to take over. I don’t care about it any more.’
I nodded dully, understanding.
‘But I do still care about you,’ she added.
‘I don’t think you do,’ I said. ‘You made it very plain that you didn’t want me anywhere near Morgan.’
Mrs Roberts sighed. ‘Yes, I did. I wouldn’t have minded if you were simply friends, but it was more than that.’
‘It was much more,’ I said. I felt the tears welling up, though I had never cried at work.
‘I know,’ said Mrs Roberts. She took a deep breath. ‘I know how much Morgan meant to you. And he thought the world of you too, he made that plain enough. If he’d come back, I’m sure the two of you would have been devoted, for all that you’re still so young. I wouldn’t have been able to stand in your way. So for that reason – and because I am fond of you, Opal – I want to help you.’
‘How can you help me?’ When I said it, I sounded sullen and bitter. I didn’t mean it that way. I was just past caring about anything.
‘What are you going to do with the rest of your life?’ Mrs Roberts asked.
I shrugged again. ‘I suppose I’ll have to go and work in the munitions factory too, though obviously I won’t be painting fairies on each bullet.’
‘I think we both agree that you’re not really suited to factory life. Wouldn’t you like to finish your education?’
‘You mean go back to school?’
‘I could talk to your headmistress. Perhaps you could resume your scholarship.’
I thought about it. Father earned very little as a newspaper seller, but we could probably scrape by with his meagre wages and Mother’s baby money. My old school uniform was still in the back of my wardrobe.
I tried to imagine putting it on, sitting in lessons, arguing with Miss Mountbank, listening to music with Mr Andrews, resuming my friendship with Olivia. I thought of Miss Reed berating me for my artwork. I felt bereft when I had to leave to work at Fairy Glen, but now I couldn’t picture myself back there. I had grown too old to turn myself back into a schoolgirl.
‘I don’t see myself fitting in any more,’ I said. ‘Not that I ever did, really. But too much has happened to me, and I’ve missed out on nearly two years’ work. I don’t think I could manage. I don’t even want to try.’
‘I understand,’ said Mrs Roberts. ‘I don’t think it’s a sensible idea, either, but I still think you might benefit enormously from further education. Have you ever thought about art school?’
‘Art school?’
‘You’re very talented, and we’ve benefited from your innovative ideas, but I think your art needs developing. You don’t want to confine yourself to fairies all your life, do you, Opal? I think you could go far as an artist if you had the proper training.’
‘But aren’t I too young for art school?’
‘Not nowadays, when so many young men are away in France. All the main art schools are accepting younger students, so long as they are exceptionally talented and disciplined. I have taken the liberty of writing to Mr Augustus Spenser, the principal of the Royal College of Art, and sent him a couple of your box lids. He wants to interview you first, but will certainly consider you for a place starting in September.’
‘But how will I pay the fees?’
‘He will give you a scholarship. And I am going to give you a small annual bursary. I think it would be a good idea for you to leave home. We can find you a young ladies’ hostel. I think it’s time you made a completely fresh start, Opal.’
I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks.
‘Would you like that?’
‘Yes, I would. I would dreadfully. It’s so very kind of you. But what about you, Mrs Roberts? Can you make a fresh start too?’
‘It’s a little late in the day for me, but I shall try. I’m planning to shut up my house and live on the farm in Scotland for a while. There are too many mem
ories at home. So will you accept my offer?’
‘Yes please,’ I said.
I stood up, walked round her desk, hesitated for a second, and then hugged her hard. We clasped each other tightly, both crying now.
SO I WENT to art school. It was a revelation. The tutors were so different from schoolteachers – relaxed and casual, but brilliant at guiding and suggesting. At first I drew and painted on a very small scale, stuck in fairyland, but they encouraged me to be bolder, and soon I was filling each canvas with confidence. I didn’t care for my work at first. I had to unlearn many self-taught slick tricks. But I could see that I was gradually improving.
I was desperately shy initially. The other students were all so bright and confident and colourful. I felt like a dull little sparrow amongst a flock of parakeets. They nearly all came from better families than mine. They might swear and tell shocking stories, but their accents were cut-glass. Most of them had money, though they affected poverty with their bright market-stall scarves and unravelling jerseys.
I kept myself to myself at first, but they were curious and friendly and repeatedly asked me to tea, to supper, to impromptu parties. I couldn’t resist for more than a couple of weeks. By the end of the term I was firm friends with everyone.
I got to know the boys as well as the girls. There was one boy, Sam, who became my particular friend. He also came from a humble background. His father was a window cleaner. During the vacation Sam went out to help his father. He had to work one-handed because he had a withered arm, but he managed wonderfully, climbing up the tallest ladders and then locking his knees in the rungs while he washed the windows vigorously with his one good hand.
He had tried to enlist in spite of his bad arm, but had been turned down. Some of the other boys manufactured spurious ailments when conscription came in. I couldn’t blame them – but I didn’t respect them, either.
I found myself spending more and more time with Sam. He was always patiently friendly, even when I was going through a very dark time. I’d told him about Morgan and he understood.
‘I like you very much, Sam, but you do realize I can only ever be friends,’ I said. ‘I can’t ever love anyone but Morgan.’