“Look, I’m sorry.” He gave her a gentle nudge toward the direction they’d come from. Mohawk and the object of his affections had moved on to a more private locale, at least. She let herself be led away. “We’ll get you settled, and then you can call Candace, and you girls can rage all night about what slimy pigs we are.”
“Sounds good,” she said, giving a sad little chuckle. “You’re not a slimy pig, though, Brian.”
“I had my moments before Candace came along. Don’t write him off yet, Mace. Give him a chance to explain.”
“I intend to.” She cast a sideways glance at Brian. He’d gone off alert.
I intend to…right fucking now.
Whirling, she sprinted back toward the door, reaching it and flinging it open almost before she even registered Brian’s exasperated, “Aw, damn.”
A swath of light cut through the otherwise dark room and lit up everything she never wanted to see: Seth fastening his jeans, Raina on her knees in front of him. Both of them winced from the sudden illumination, Seth cursing as Raina leaped to her feet. He looked ready to fall off his.
“What the hell is going…?” His voice drowned away as recognition filtered through his eyes. “Macy? Oh, fuck— Macy!”
That expression, that dawning devastation on his face, was damn sure not what she’d hoped to see as she and Brian made the drive over. She turned and darted away. Brian was leaning back against the wall, arms crossed, head lowered. He looked up and only watched her race past. But she heard him intercept his friend.
“Leave it alone, man.”
“Get the fuck off me. Macy!”
“Goddammit, you’re not gonna get shit accomplished right now. Don’t make me slam you.”
She didn’t know where she was going. Where could she go? She was here with Brian—which had been Huge Colossal Mistake #1. He was her only way home, and now he had his hands full. A sob escaped her, and she rubbed hard at her face, rapid steps grinding to a halt. She’d opened that door because she wanted to confront him, and here she was, running away in typical Macy fashion.
“Macy, please.”
A glance back showed Brian to be doing an effective job holding Seth at bay…hell, with his bloodshot eyes and slurred voice, it was a wonder he’d even got it up for that bitch. The bitch who took that particular moment to saunter out of the room and directly toward Macy. She nearly jumped back. Raina wore white-out contacts and her eyes were liberally smeared with black, and she looked like something out of Macy’s worst nightmare. But the worst thing, the thing she’d see in her head from now on, actually wasn’t the makeup, the clothes, or the dead eyes. The worst thing was the tiny, smug grin of triumph curving her black-lined lips. The worst thing was the little exaggerated show she made of wiping the side of her mouth with one tattered black sleeve as she swayed past.
This was what he wanted.
This was what he could damn well have.
Her heart raced like a fleeing rabbit. Seth had managed to wrench himself from Brian’s grasp and stalked toward her.
“I’m sick of trying to talk sense into you fuckers!” Brian threw his hands up. “Be dumbasses, then. I don’t care.”
“Macy.”
She fell back a step as he advanced, and then another. He looked as terrible as Raina, except the black under his eyes wasn’t synthetic. A fresh well of tears pooled in her eyes.
“Please, baby, that wasn’t what it looked like.”
A laugh burst from her, loud and horrible. “I’d hoped for something a little more original from you. Maybe then I might actually believe you at least give a shit.”
“She came on to me, all right? I didn’t fucking do anything. I thought about it, I’ll admit that, but it didn’t happen. Nothing happened!”
“So I’m supposed to believe she was down on her knees…doing what, Seth? What could you even possibly supply right there? That she was looking for a lost contact? She had both of those freaking things in, so no go. I’d have to be the biggest moron on the face of the earth to believe any spin you try to put on that scenario. If the next words out of your mouth are anything other than ‘I let her suck my dick,’ then I’ll know what you think of my intelligence.”
He shook his head. “That’s not how it was. I was half passed out. She opened my pants before I managed to push her off, and she landed on the floor. Then I got up, and you came in, and I swear to Christ, baby, that’s all that happened.”
It wasn’t the most implausible thing she’d ever heard, and she could believe it of Raina, but…oh, God. She dropped her head in her hands, then shoved her hair back, blinking tears away as she stared up into the harsh overhead lighting. She found it increasingly harder to look him in the eye the longer they stood here. “I just…I have to get out of here.”
Brian ambled up behind Seth. “Finally, someone speaks sense. You should have decided that about five minutes ago.”
Seth ignored him. “Let me take you somewhere and we can talk—”
“No. You’re drunk. Or high, or whatever the hell. I’m not going anywhere with you.” It was then, as he tried to reach for her and she stepped back, that she noticed the reddish-purple patch of skin on his neck just at the edge of his collar. “Oh, God, Seth. Apparently you lay there and liked it long enough for her to give you that.” She shoved him hard in the area with one finger.
“Dude has lost his fucking mind,” Brian muttered, rubbing a hand back and forth across his brow.
“Shut up, man. Macy…you just have to believe me.”
“Oh, I have to? Why? You didn’t believe me.”
“Or don’t believe me. What-the-fuck-ever.”
“Excuse me,” Brian cut in, “but I liked her idea. Let’s get out of here before this turns wicked.”
Before it turned wicked? Was it not already? “Yes, please,” she told Brian, hating how small she sounded. “Get me out of here.”
Seth stared at her for one seemingly endless moment, nostrils flaring, and, given the visible tension racking him, she had the terrible thought he might hit something. His only options were Brian, the wall, or her.
Brian noticed. “Hey,” he said, taking his arm. “Take it down a notch, bro.”
Seth only yanked himself out of Brian’s grasp and then shoved past him, muttering curses until he turned the hallway up ahead.
Macy kept her hotel room pitch-dark so she wouldn’t have to watch the incessant blurring of the ceiling through her tears, which wouldn’t stop.
Why hadn’t she calmed down and listened to Brian? That hadn’t been the time to cause drama, no matter what had been going on in that room. Seth wasn’t even hers; she had no right to mark him as her exclusive territory. To make a scene like that in front of his friends when he was already hurting? If she hadn’t been so blinded, so out of her head with jealousy, she would’ve seen it.
Stupid, stupid. Thinking about what might have happened in that dark room was futile. Only two people knew, and both had good reason to lie about it. Mulling it over, she realized she could believe both sides equally. The only solution was to get one of them to fess up.
Why did she care? The whole ugly scene played out again against the back of her closed eyelids. His face when he’d recognized her. The wreckage there. Tears pooled again and squeezed out and spilled over each side of her face. She didn’t try to stop them anymore, but flopped over on one side and sobbed into her pillow. There wouldn’t be any sleep tonight. Her heart lay in bloody pieces.
Her cell phone chimed and she almost didn’t bother to reach for it. Despite Brian’s suggestion that she call Candace and vent, she hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone. Brian had dropped her off and she’d hardly even flipped on a light before slipping out of her clothes and under the sheets, letting the hum of the air conditioner lull her.
Nevertheless, she reached for it and sat up straight when she saw Seth’s name. Im at ur hotel. Plz talk 2 me.
God, she couldn’t. Could she? She was weak right now, so weak and despera
te to believe him that she might fall for something stupid.
But her need to see him apparently made her stupider. She texted him her room number, then collapsed back and cursed herself, rubbing her still-pounding forehead hard with the heels of both hands.
By the time he knocked, she’d gotten up and slipped into a T-shirt and boxers. The sound, though expected, sent her heart slamming in her chest. She let him in without looking at him, knowing if she did, she might be well and truly screwed. In more ways than one.
“Are you okay?” he asked, shutting the door as she sat on the bed and glanced at the clock. It was almost two. She wondered if he’d had a chance to sober up much yet; somehow, it seemed like it.
“I’m fine.”
“You’ve been crying.”
“So I have.”
He cursed under his breath, rubbing a hand over his head. “Baby, I know what you said is true. Nothing I can say will make what you saw look any better.” He took a seat at the little desk along the wall opposite her, straddling the chair backward, putting himself in her line of sight. Close enough to touch, but he didn’t, and she appreciated that. “Really, you don’t have any reason to believe me. But you don’t have any reason to believe her, either. She’s the one who put her own spin on that scenario. Not me.”
“I was just lying here thinking about that,” she said. “How either one of you has as much reason to lie as the other.”
“I have more to lose,” he said softly. “I admit that. I have way more to lose.”
“That doesn’t really speak in your favor.”
“I know. But it’s the truth.”
“Seth…I’m so sorry about your grandmother. I haven’t been able to talk to you to tell you and…I’m sorry about that scene tonight. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t right of me to do that. I never thought I’d be reduced to…that.”
“You weren’t the only one who was reduced. When I saw you…”
“I know.”
“I’m going to fix this, Macy. I don’t care if we have to start all over again. I’ll put the work in to rebuild it all.” A weak smile flickered across his features, at odds with the passionate way he spoke. “It’s what I do, you know. I get rusted-out old heaps of junk back on the road, I turn scars into art. Maybe I get once-broken cowgirls back on the horse. I’ll do the same for us, if you’ll let me.”
She wanted so much to believe him, to put all her trust back in him. Silence descended, one she didn’t know how to fill, or even if she should. Her anger had burnt itself out, leaving her empty. Tired but with no hope of any rest.
Some things even he couldn’t fix. But if he kept saying things like that, she might be inclined to let him try and…it wasn’t for the best.
“I think we’re no good for each other, Seth. I’ve said it before, but I think we both know how this will end. We’re from different worlds. I saw tonight how much yours can hurt me.”
He gripped the chair back so hard his knuckles paled. “But you’ve also seen how good we are together. How well we bridge the gap when it’s just us, and that’s all that matters, isn’t it? Because in the end, that’s all it’ll be. Just you and me.”
“It’s looking more and more like it would always be you and me and Raina.”
A helpless look crossed his face, and that was when she realized something. He really was helpless when it came to Raina, and honestly, what could he do? A restraining order? What a joke. How the hell did you get rid of someone who simply wouldn’t let go?
“I need some time,” she said. “That’s all I can give you right now.” Another silence fell. “You have a room?” she asked finally.
“Yeah. I guess you’re saying I should get to it?”
“I’m exhausted, and this was a bad idea.”
He made a move to stand but didn’t quite make it. Renewed agitation hit him, and he sat again, rubbing his face hard with his hands. “Shit, Macy, I can’t walk out the door if I think it’ll be the last time. Always wondering if there’s something else I could’ve said to—” He broke off, seeming to get a grip on the emotion strangling his voice, his hand scrubbing his chest as if trying to assuage some phantom ache there. “The fact you even came here to see me… And then for you to see what you did…fuck. I can’t live with myself. I just want to rip off my fucking skin, I feel so foul. I should’ve dumped her ass off me the minute I realized who she was but I just needed…to hurt somebody. The way I hurt. Since I lost Nana, since I pushed you away.”
At least he admitted it. “Did it make you feel better?”
“Hell no. Worse. It was wrong. I know that. I told her what she and I had was never love; it was ugly. That’s how we were to each other all the time. It was like we took out our anger at the world on each other. She was an easy target at the right moment.”
“Sounds meant to be.” There was no mistaking the bitterness in her voice, and she didn’t even try to suppress it.
“I also told her I don’t want that in my life anymore. I’m done with it all. I want what I have with you. I want the way we laugh together. I could never see us turning into anything like that.”
“We did, though, Seth. That night in Fort Worth…that wasn’t right. After we were done and you said I would only leave you, you made me feel pretty foul myself. You turned your back on me when I tried to be there for you. You threw a bunch of accusations in my face and found a reason to run.”
“I did. And I won’t ever do it again. Because as scared as I was of having someone like you—and I was pretty damned scared—I see now that I’m far more freaked out about not having you.”
Maybe she was stronger than she thought. While she did want to believe him—God, more than anything, she wanted to—not only about what had happened with Raina but about how things would be from now on, she kept firm guard around her heart. She hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with him either.
“I need to explain something about me.”
His brows dipped lower over his eyes, a crease appearing between them. “Okay.”
“I really was miserable on Valentine’s night. I mean…yeah. You called that one, I was in the dumps, and not just about differences between me and my friends. I was lonely. I had been for a while, but that night was, like, the culmination.”
“I knew that from the moment I saw you. I made up my mind to do something about it.”
A few more hot tears slipped out, but she forced a smile for him. “Well, you did. But the thing is…you told me once I didn’t seem like a girl who was looking for commitment, but I am. I’m ready to have what my friends have, and more. I want marriage, and I want kids. I’m not saying I want it all tomorrow, or even next year or the year after that. I only have to know…that I’m with someone who can see those things in his future too. If you can’t, then I’ll ask that you not waste my time.”
He blew out a breath, not looking at her but at her hands resting in her lap. She’d just about twisted her own fingers into knots during that speech. “Wow.”
“I know that was blunt, but now’s a good time to get it all out there, right? I think we started out with some preconceived notions about each other. If we know from the start we’ll never give each other what we need, why go on? Relationships that drag on for years and finally break up because of indecision on the part of one or the other…I don’t want that. That seems like such a waste to me.”
“Marriages do the same thing. The vows aren’t the finish line. How many married couples do you know who are miserable, and you look at them and think, ‘Damn, just get divorced already’? Because I know quite a few. I think you’re limiting yourself. Even if I can’t see those things in my future now, maybe I will after a year. Or two. Maybe something will happen in your life, and you won’t see those things anymore. People evolve.”
“I guess I’m not that cynical yet. I’m still convinced when it happens to me, it’ll be happily ever after.”
“Well…sure, you deserve that.”
Silence again,
so heavy with unspoken words. Like he said, she deserved it; maybe everyone did, but could he give it to her? Could she give up everything she’d ever dreamed of and believed in to be with him? To be a couple of feathers floating in the wind together with no foreseeable destination…
She looked at him, allowing herself to stare for probably the first time since he came in. Grief etched heavy lines around his mouth. He looked older, a little gaunt, and his all-black attire only lent to the shadows under his eyes. She missed his devil-may-care grin. She missed everything about him.
“You should get to your room and try to sleep,” she said softly. “Don’t think about me right now. We’ll both step back. You’re still grieving.”
Staring at the floor, he nodded and stood. He didn’t look in her eyes as he leaned over and brushed a kiss across her forehead, lingering an endless moment before pulling away. “Without you, I’m grieving over two instead of one.”
As she watched him walk out the door, it was all she could do not to run after him.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?”
Brian glanced over at her, then returned his gaze to the road. Despite the late night, he’d been ready to go bright and early, meeting her in the hotel parking lot a little before eight. He looked as if he’d slept fine.
What a bust this had been.
“Taking a break? I think so. I mean, it hurts, I can attest to that. But it’s necessary sometimes. You either realize that you can’t live without them or that you were fucking crazy for ever trying to live with them.”
“Do you believe him? Honestly. Forget the guy-code BS and tell me if what he said made any sense.”
“We’re talking about Raina here. Yes. It made perfect sense.”
She laughed without mirth. “I guess so. Did you talk to him this morning?”
“No. I did late last night. He was going to sleep it off and head for home later today.”
“He’ll be okay, right?”
“He’ll be fine. He’s been through worse.”
“I don’t doubt it. You’ll look out for him?”