“I can still introduce you to my friends and stuff.” Edi’s grin was full of genuine enthusiasm. “I take the bus to school in the morning. Do you?”
I shook my head, for once regretting that I didn’t take the dreaded bus. “I ride my aunt’s . . . uh, Gemma’s pickup truck.”
Edi’s brows lifted before smiling big. “Lucky you. I have to hike it up and down Alvarado every morning and afternoon.”
“You should be grateful for that walk,” Gemma said, turning back to her flowerbed. “Look at those legs for Christ’s sake. No one is born with legs like that.”
Edi laughed, rolling her eyes. “You don’t think my years of volleyball and soccer have anything to do with it?”
Conjuring up more courage than I ever had my entire life, I swallowed hard before offering. “You can ride with me if you ever want to.”
Gemma turned to peer at me before Edi could respond to that. “Just be careful. Technically, you’re underage and still not supposed to be riding with anyone but an adult. If you take Edi, it’s only Edi. I don’t want you picking up a bunch of other kids.”
I bit my lower lip and waited for Edi to respond. At least Gemma’s warning wasn’t a “no you can’t,” and starting off slowly with only one new friend riding with me seemed safer. I wasn’t used to having friends, let alone popular ones like Edi and lots of them at once.
“What time do you leave?”
“Seven thirty,” I said, my heart pounding a little faster.
Was I actually going to know someone at this school? Did her driving in with me mean she’d actually let me hang out with her and her friends during lunch?
Her eyes brightened and her mouth fell open. “Oh my God, are you kidding me? I get to sleep in and not have to be at the bus stop at six? Hell yeah, I’ll ride in with you!”
And so it began.
The next morning she was on Gemma’s front porch at seven thirty on the dot. We spoke of our classes, and she let me in on some of the need-to-know stuff about some of my teachers. She asked a little about my previous school, but I got the feeling Gemma had filled her in a little about my past, so it seemed she was playing it very safe about what and how she asked.
That first day she introduced me to Daphne and Audrey, two of her best friends since grade school. Right off, I realized Audrey wasn’t as friendly as Daphne and Edi.
“So you won’t be on the bus anymore in the mornings?” Audrey asked, her brow lifting.
“Hell no,” Edi said with a giggle. “Why would I continue to wake up at that ungodly hour and take the stupid bus when I can sleep in and ride with Henri way later.”
Audrey’s eyes had swept over me more than once that first introduction. Months later I still couldn’t put my finger on it, but obviously taking her bus buddy from her had not been appreciated. The fact that even though Audrey lived only blocks away and I couldn’t offer to drive her in, too, didn’t help. But I was under strict orders from Gemma, and I was not about to blow it.
After a few months, Edi’s friendship had become one of the best I’d ever had, which didn’t say a whole lot since I’d made few friends my entire life, but still she was everything I could’ve asked for in a friend. Her friendship couldn’t have come at a better time either. I’d begun to hear less from Celia. She and her boyfriend had visited a few times, but as the months passed, I heard less and less from her. It would’ve probably been more heartbreaking for me if I didn’t have Edi to distract me. I let Edi in on my fear that it felt as if Celia were slowly drifting away from me. Some nights I’d be up all night, tossing and turning, and my heart wrenched at the thought that the only real family left in my life—the only person who’d ever loved me—was disappearing.
Edi began calling me late in the evening when I was already in bed to ask how I was doing. Talking to her magically made things better. At least she got my mind off Celia. She was really good about starting off asking about Celia and then casually changing the subject so by the time I got off the phone with her, my mind was on something else completely.
As I got to know Edi better, she let me in on the dynamics of her friendship with both Daphne and Audrey. All three had met in kindergarten. They all lived right around the corner from one another and had grown up almost like sisters, often sleeping over at each other’s houses. Their parents all knew each other, and they even spent vacations like camping and trips to the beach in the summer together. She finally mentioned that Audrey had always been the drama queen of the three.
“I won’t talk shit about her because, no matter how difficult she can be at times, she’s still one of my best friends. She’s just one of those who take everything so personally. And God forbid and Daphne and I plan anything without her. Audrey’s so damn paranoid that we’re booting her out.”
“Why would you plan anything without her?” I asked curiously and trying desperately not to sound paranoid.
After only a few months of hanging around with Edi’s crowd, I was included in everything they did. I was certain that if I found out they did something and hadn’t told me about it I’d probably feel a little paranoid too. From the way Edi spoke of Audrey, it wasn’t a likable quality, so I’d probably never admit to it. Still, I couldn’t help feeling nervous.
“We never have!” Edi laughed. “But there are times when Audrey’s just not around, so maybe Daphne and I start planning something, fully intending to include Aud, but when she finds out about it, she always has this attitude of, ‘You two discussed this without me?’ She’s always been like that, ever since we were little. She has a really hard time sharing us. Her neediness has always been her weakest, not to mention most annoying, personality trait.”
We’d been parked in the school parking lot for a few minutes already as Edi fixed her hair, peering into the mirror behind the passenger visor. I hadn’t even realized I’d zoned out thinking about the many times I’d begun to feel needy around Edi. I’d begun to obsess about it actually—afraid someone as popular as she would lose interest in being friends with a nobody like myself. When I finally focused back to Edi’s face, she smirked. “What?” she asked.
Instantly, my face felt warm, and I looked down at my bag, shoving my phone into it. “Nothing,” I said, swallowing hard.
How could I tell her that I was just as weak as Audrey? More often than not, I’d feel so small next to Edi. The usual angst I felt about being completely unworthy of someone’s friendship was a million times worse with Edi. I had to wonder if she knew. Did she realize she was the friend any teen girl dreamed of having—being? Her friends were even jealous of one another. Somehow I got the feeling Audrey wasn’t so paranoid about losing out or competing for Daphne’s friendship as much as she was of losing Edi’s.
“I was just . . . tripping out on Audrey.” I shrugged, trying my best to make less of my zoning out. Clearing my throat, I continued, “You’d think after all these years she’d be used to how things are.”
Finally, I glanced up, and Edi had what almost looked like a gleam in her eye, but she shrugged again. “Some people never change, I guess.”
By the end of junior year, a few things had happened. Audrey had really begun to distance herself to the point where she hardly spoke to any of us anymore. I couldn’t help feeling responsible for that. The girl had never warmed up to me, and even though Edi said she’d always been that way, she did admit that it was just this past year that she’d really gotten weird.
My fantasy about being like Edi had only grown with each day I spent around her. She was so impressive when it came to everything. The girl didn’t even wear makeup, and she was still stunning. As if that weren’t enough, she was one of the smartest in our entire class. I was still in no way an athlete and admittedly too many times felt out of place with her and all her athletic friends, but at least I could keep up with the academic stuff.
Another thing that happened that year was that, while I’d started junior year feeling younger and less experienced than most when it came to e
verything, my body had mercifully cooperated in at least catching up to everyone else. My breasts had grown one whole cup size, and my hips were finally curving so my body didn’t resemble that of a nine-year-old boy anymore. I was also more comfortable wearing a little makeup and wearing my hair down.
My mother had been right. I was grateful for the catlike slant of my eyes. The liner had gotten a little thicker, accentuating what even Edi referred to as exotic eyes. They were one of the first things guys complimented me on. Every time we went out now, we turned boys’ heads. Finally, I was beginning to think it wasn’t all Edi and some of the other older more self-assured girls turning heads. I’d turned a few heads myself. And for once since I’d met Edi and her friends, I began to feel as though I actually fit in.
~~~
That April we got the call. I hadn’t heard from my sister in weeks. From the beginning of the year, I could feel a change with Celia. She was different, not as cheery as she once was, and I knew it was because of Kevin. They were constantly fighting, but I had no idea what else was going on with her. All I knew was her visits had stopped. As much as I felt the change in her, I still heard the genuine excitement in her voice when I told her about my new life at Gemma’s and about Edi and all my new friends.
Celia was really happy for me.
I’d been in Edi’s bedroom, cramming for a test. Mostly we’d been doing a lot of giggling and talking about the spring formal coming up in a few weeks. She’d be going with Gary, the most popular guy in school, but my date, Mateo, wasn’t too shabby, and I knew I had Edi to thank for that. He was also a starting football player and a good friend of Gary’s.
Her mom knocked at the open door of my bedroom. We both looked up still smiling and met her mom’s and Gemma’s somber gazes.
Immediately, I felt concerned. Why was Gemma there? And why did they both look so grim?
“What’s wrong?” Edi asked before I could.
Her mother brought her hand to her mouth and turned to Gemma, shaking her head. “Henri”—Gemma hesitated as she stepped into the room—“I just got a call from St. Francis Medical. Celia overdosed last night and was rushed to the emergency room. Honey, I’m sorry. She didn’t make it.”
All I remember was feeling as if it were a dream. As if I hadn’t just heard the words that had come out of Gemma’s mouth and then felt Edi wrapping her arms around me as I fell apart.
I went through the following weeks, numb. The church services, the burial, everything felt unreal. Edi and Daphne were there for me the entire time, but mostly Edi stayed by my side through it all. Even at night when I told her I didn’t want to be alone, her mom let her spend a few nights with me, despite some of those being school nights. That’s when I first began to open up to Edi about the flashbacks I still had. Celia’s death had brought back some brutal ones. New memories I’d obviously blocked out were now clear as day. It made the connection I felt with Edi that much deeper because she was now the only one who knew the ugly truth. The only one I’d ever share it with.
Weeks later, when I told Edi I wasn’t going to the spring formal, she said she wouldn’t either. She said it wouldn’t be the same without me there too. Feeling guilty that she’d already bought her dress and we’d been planning and talking about it for weeks, with Gemma’s encouragement, I decided to just go. I felt guilty that I actually had a good time, but in the end, I was glad I’d gone.
Before the dance, Gemma had pulled me aside to say that, given the circumstances, she felt weird but still obligated to have this talk with me. The talk.
“I know a lot of kids wait for special occasions like tonight to . . . you know . . . do things. Have their first experience,” she said, looking uncharacteristically nervous. “I’m no prude, and I get that kids are getting younger and younger these days when taking these steps, but I just wanna make sure you’re taking precautions. You’re way too young to get pregnant and—”
“Oh, trust me,” I said, putting her out of her misery because I could see how uncomfortable she was with this conversation. This was something she did not have to worry about. “First of all, I have no intention of having my first experience tonight. And for the record, I’m never having kids. So you don’t ever have to worry about me getting knocked up or anything.”
She asked why but seemed more relieved that I wasn’t planning on doing things that night, so I kept my answer vague. I just didn’t want any. Ever.
The cause of death had officially been ruled an accidental overdose. Celia had never even mentioned smoking a cigarette or even drinking alcohol, much less shooting up heroine. I knew it did me no good to blame Kevin, but it felt better to have someone to blame and I did—completely. He’d introduced her to the stuff, and if Celia had never met the guy, she’d still be alive. I hadn’t seen or heard from the guy after the services, and I had no intention or desire to see him ever again.
One thing was for sure. If it hadn’t been for Edi, I was certain I wouldn’t have gotten through the painful ordeal. I’d be eternally grateful for having Edi in my life from then on.
Chapter 2
Aaron
At seventeen, I’d become a puppy dog of sorts.
Mia Barsetti’s puppy dog.
Mia had been my good friend since the beginning of high school. I’d known her in middle school, but we hadn’t become friends until the second semester of our sophomore year in high school when we ended up in most of the same advanced classes. She was cute, funny, smart, and refreshingly easy to talk to. Because of homework assignments and often partnering up on projects, we’d end up at each other’s houses a lot.
At that time, I’d never really had a friend who was a girl. All my friends consisted of guys I’d grown up in the neighborhood with. All the girls in the neighborhood and I had always been strictly on a wave-and-smile basis. Until Mia, it had never occurred to me that it might be cool to have a girl as good friend.
With her strict parents, having a boyfriend at the age when we first became friends was out of the question. Not that I had asked to be hers, but after being around her alone quite a bit, the thought of kissing her had often crossed my mind. Those thoughts had manifested and gotten a little dirtier over time. Pretty soon, with my raging teenage hormones at their peak, it was all I could think of when I was around her—and even when I wasn’t.
By the end of the eleventh grade, I’d gotten to first and even second base with other girls. That helped assuage the growing fantasies I’d begun to have about Mia. The weirdest thing about my relationship with Mia was I could tell her about these other girls without things getting weird. She was cool hearing about them too, laughing, and other times even offering advice. We were just friends, and as much as my horny ass still fantasized about doing other things with her, trying to felt wrong. I cared about Mia—cared about our friendship too much—and I was actually proud of that.
Then Luke, my best friend since the fourth grade, started dating Chloe, one of Mia’s dance team members and good friend. That made things kind of weird, but when we all went out together to the show or just hang out at the mall, I had more fun with Mia as just friends than any of the other girls I ever hung out with on dates. It was . . . comfortable. We fit like a glove. There was nothing we couldn’t say to each other though hearing her talk about other guys or even running into someone she was “talking” to had begun to feel awkward.
I didn’t know how to describe it at the time other than annoying. She could hear about all my trysts and be okay with it, or so it seemed, but hearing about her other guy friends or guys that maybe wanted to be more than friends with her irked me. In hindsight, I know now I was jealous, but I refused to admit it then. Anything more than just friends between Mia and me still felt too weird.
Then it happened. I don’t even remember how, but we began to flirt. All I remember was it was shortly after Luke started seeing Chloe. As expected, it changed things. Hearing about her guy friends pissed me off now, and the first time after we’d begun to flirt a
nd I mentioned making out with another girl, things got beyond uncomfortable. So I never did again.
Soon afterward, I knew what I was feeling for her was more than just wanting to be her friend. I could tell the feelings were mutual, which only made me like her more. And then we kissed. It was the summer before senior year, after one of her dance team’s competitions at the county fair. They announced the winners, and they were all so excited about taking first place she jumped in my arms. I’d hugged her plenty of times before, but it felt different that time, and without thinking, I kissed her.
We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening strolling the fair hand in hand and stopping every now and again to kiss. But it wasn’t until we got on the giant Ferris wheel that we finally made out good and long.
I’d kissed my share of girls before Mia, and kissing her didn’t feel too much different. It was a little more exciting because it was Mia, but as usual, like everything else with her, it felt comfortable. There was nothing awkward and no weirdness about it as I thought there might be. Even between kisses we continued to talk and laugh as we always had only now I could stare into her eyes without it feeling wrong.
I never even asked her to be my girlfriend; it just happened. At first, I thought maybe we’d be keeping it on the down low at school. It seemed to be what she thought, too, because she didn’t protest my not holding her hand the next time we were back in school. But that lasted only until one of the guys who I knew had asked her out in the past flirted with her in front of me. Without giving it much thought, I slipped my hand into hers, and pulled her to me so there’d be no doubt we were no longer just friends. After that, it was official. We were a couple and everyone knew it.
Up until then, while I’d also had my share of going further than just kissing, I was still a virgin. I knew for a fact that she was too, and, of course, talk of being each other’s firsts became a hot topic—my favorite.