That I knew without question. And I’d do anything to keep her safe.
Anything.
26
Sideways
Rin
His arms tightened around me when I sighed.
It was Sunday afternoon, and we were still in bed, right where we’d been all weekend. Rain streaked the windows, the park far below, the openness of the sky disorienting and blank, devoid of skyscrapers or buildings. Just wide gray sky.
And I watched the rain fall sideways, resting in the circle of his arms, wondering just how I’d found myself where I was.
Because the rain wasn’t the only thing that was sideways, and the peaceful calm of the room was temporary, a reprieve that would end the moment we walked into work tomorrow.
Court insisted that he’d take care of Bianca. He’d find a solution. He’d find a way to protect me, my job, our relationship. I just wasn’t so sure he could. And I found myself toeing the line of disaster, my future and heart hanging in the balance of a situation far beyond my control.
I’d risked everything for a man who would never love me.
A shaky breath sent a tremor through my chest, and he shifted, turning me, his beautiful face bent in concern.
“What’s wrong?” he said so gently, touching my face with such care and adoration, my heart broke in my chest.
“I…I just…” The words trailed away. I just didn’t know I would fall in love. I didn’t know how badly it would hurt. I didn’t know, I didn’t know.
“I meant what I said, Rin. I’ll fix this. I’ll protect you. I will not let anything happen to you.”
Tears welled, my throat squeezing shut, wishing the words were spoken of his love and not my job.
“Do you trust me?” he asked.
A hot tear slipped down my cheek to his fingers, rolling over his knuckles.
Trust. Such a simple word, one that I’d once believed might save me. If he trusted me, maybe he could love me. If I trusted him, maybe I wouldn’t feel so lost.
And I couldn’t answer, not with words. So I kissed him instead and hoped.
27
Beyond the Pale
Court
Monday came too soon and proved to be one of the longer days of my life.
We’d spent the weekend wrapped up in each other, barely leaving my apartment, and by the time we said goodbye for the day, leaving for work separately, I felt better and infinitely worse. Because she was afraid, and her fear inspired my own.
My plan to protect her had become too slippery to hang on to, and I had no actionable solution.
Rin was already in the library when I arrived at the museum, and my biggest, most unpredictable problem was sitting in my office with her arms folded over her chest.
“I want a promotion,” Bianca said the minute I passed the threshold.
I deposited my bag next to my chair. “No.”
Her eyes hardened. “Well, your father said he could give me one.”
“And you believe him, why? Because he said so?” I laughed, a humorless sound. “He’s using you to control me, and if you can’t see that, you’re even more vapid than I realized.”
“I don’t care what he wants as long as he gives me what I want.”
“And that’s what you want? A promotion? Ambitious but not very inspired.”
“Well, I used to think I wanted you, but if you chose that intern over me, you’re not who I thought you were in the first place.”
I glared at her from across my desk. “Tell me why I shouldn’t fire you right now.”
“For starters, you’ll put the exhibition behind weeks. And beyond that? If you fire me, I’ll tell him everything. And he’ll fire that intern and give me the promotion for my loyalty.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. He knows nothing of loyalty, and he’ll protect himself. That’s the only thing he really cares about, and you’d be wise to remember that.”
She stood, her chin high and indignant. “I guess we’ll see which one of us is right. Either way, you can run off and kiss your little intern goodbye.”
Fury blew through me. “I swear to God, if anything happens to her—anything—I will ruin you. Test me, Bianca. Test me and fucking see.”
“You’re not the one who runs this museum. Bark all you want, Court, but she’s been in my way long enough. At least now I can use her for something.”
I gripped the edge of my desk with creaking white knuckles as she left my office, my mind racing and spinning and scrambling for a solution.
There was only one. I had to head her off.
My nostrils flared like a bull as I drew a noisy breath and pushed off my desk, storming out and down the hall for my father’s office, my rage blinding. I saw everything through shades of red as I charged through the museum and up to the executive offices. But when I threw open the door to his suite, he wasn’t there.
Lydia sat in his place.
The shades of red burst into a single, bloody shade of scarlet.
“He’s not here,” she said.
“I’m not fucking blind.” I turned to leave.
“Oh, I don’t know about that.”
“Fuck you,” I said over my shoulder.
“Bianca told him already.”
I stopped dead, frozen.
“The night of the fundraiser. She came straight from catching you with your intern to your father. If she’s bargaining, then she’s playing both of you. You really should fire her.”
“Oh, I plan to,” I decided, turning to face her, suspicious and agitated. “What’s in it for you, Lydia? Why tip me off?”
“I guess I feel like I owe you one.”
A dry laugh escaped me. “Noble. Really.”
“Fire her, and she has no leverage. Because your father wants the intern gone.”
“Why?” I asked, my voice climbing with every word after. “He’s taken everyone from me, and now her too? Why?”
“Because in his twisted way, he thinks he’s helping you. It’s obvious you care about her—you never were one for subtlety. And so he believes that ridding you of your intern will do you a favor, like he believed ridding you of me would. Marrying me was just as much about acquiring me as it was proving a point.”
“And what fucking point was that? That he’s an asshole and you’re a liar?”
But her face, that beautiful face I’d once thought I loved, was calm and collected, assessing and apathetic. “That love is cruel and that you should avoid it at all costs, just like he has.”
My hands shook. My knees shook. My heart shook. “For a minute, it almost worked.” I turned and walked away, needing out of that room, needing to calm down, needing to remind myself that not everyone wanted to hurt me. Not everyone wanted to ruin me.
I blew into the library, my objective singular and selfish. And Rin looked up with surprise that turned molten when I swept into the room, swept her into my arms, kissed her like I needed her to keep my heart beating.
When I broke away, she blinked up at me. “Court, what are you—”
I kissed her again, not wanting to answer, not wanting to think. But this time, she broke away and too soon.
“Stop, hang on. What’s going on? You shouldn’t be in here.” Her eyes darted behind me toward the door, skated around the room like someone was watching us. “It’s too crazy. You’re going to get us both fired.”
I cupped her face, held it in my hands, looked into her eyes, and made her a promise. “I won’t let that happen.”
And then I kissed her again as proof of my control.
Which was when the fucking door to the library opened.
All hell broke loose in my chest.
I let her go and spun around to face my father, who stood just inside the door with his face square and hard and indignant.
“You really should find a new assistant, son.”
Rin shuffled behind me; I could hear the rapid rasp of her breath, panicked. Afraid. And my fury broke the threshold of what I be
lieved I could contain.
“Bianca.” I spat the word.
“I thought you’d learned your lesson. When you sleep with your employees, you’ve got to be smarter. Never get involved, and never have sex at work. Two simple rules. But you never were one for boundaries, were you?”
“Court, what does he mean?” she asked quietly from behind me.
“Nothing,” I said, turning to her, holding her face. “He’s a liar and a thief. Just go—let me talk to him.”
“I’m afraid we’re past that,” my father said. “I’m sorry, Miss Van de Meer, but I’ll need your resignation, or I’ll have to fire you, which will involve me sending a letter to NYU to explain the reasons.”
I spun around. “No.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I’m doing you a favor, Court. She doesn’t want you any more than Lydia did. All she wanted was a title and name. Money and security. She didn’t care which Lyons it came from.”
“Lydia? His…his wife…” she breathed. “She’s…that was…that was your…”
“Rin, let me explain,” I begged.
The hurt on her face split my heart open, the heat of my shame and anger tumbling through my chest like coals.
“Lydia was who hurt you. She…she’s married to…and you let me…” She took a shuddering breath, her eyes shining with tears. “You let me walk into that fundraiser knowing she’d be there, knowing I would see her, that I might meet her. Everyone knew but me.”
“Rin, please. I’m sorry. I—”
“Everything they said, everything they meant…” She shook her head, her cheeks splotched with pink.
“You should have told her, Court.”
“Don’t you fucking speak,” I shot at him. “You’ve said enough.”
He ignored me, as he always did. “It’s up to you how to handle this, Rin.”
The sound of her name on his lips set all the hairs on my neck standing at attention.
I swallowed hard.
Rin wouldn’t meet my eyes as tears fell from hers, swiped away by an angry flick of her hand. “I understand, sir. I’ll clean out my desk and go.”
She stepped out from behind me, and I turned to my father, desperate.
“And why not me? You’ll fire her but not me? This is my fault, not hers.”
“I won’t let you fail because of some intern. You know me better than that. I always side with you.”
“Except when it matters,” I added. My breath rasped painfully in my chest, the rise and fall unsteady and anguished. “If she goes, I go.”
He laughed, a haughty, smug sound. “I’ll look for your resignation letter.”
She was almost out the door before I realized it, and I chased after her in thinly veiled panic, calling her name, leaving my father behind me.
“Rin, wait—”
She didn’t. She didn’t stop. Didn’t speak. Didn’t breathe.
“Please, stop—”
“Leave me alone, Court,” she sobbed, turning for the stairs.
“No. I can’t, Rin. I can’t leave you alone. I can’t—”
“Stop it! Goddammit, you’ve done enough!” She blew through the door of the stairwell and descended.
“Hang on.” I grabbed her arm, but she wrenched it from my grip, turning around to face me from the landing below.
“No!” she cried, tears shining in her eyes. “You lied to me. You kept this one crucial thing from me, the truth of what defines you. What has dictated every moment of…of…whatever this is between us. Every fight we’ve ever had is because of what they did to you. Every time you’ve pushed me away is because of them. You told me you would never give your heart to me because she had taken it. It’s everything broken about you on top of the fact that you have humiliated me by keeping me in the dark. They mocked me, ridiculed me, and I had no idea.”
“I was trying to protect you, Rin.”
“Protect me or protect yourself?” she shot, and the blow struck home. “You don’t care about me. You take what you want, when you want it. You came to me today when you knew you shouldn’t because you wanted me. This is exactly why we got caught in the first place—you put yourself first and me second. You put me in danger to make yourself feel better. And now, I’ve lost everything—my reputation, my dreams, my future. I lost it all for a man who wouldn’t even give me his heart. I’ve put everything on the line for you, and you’ve put nothing on the line for me, and I can’t do this anymore.”
I couldn’t breathe, the weight and truth of every word dragging me under. And I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but it would be a lie.
She drew a shuddering breath, fresh tears falling. “The worst part is that I lied, too. I wanted your heart when you told me you’d never give it to me, and I thought I could get by on scraps. But I can’t. And now…now you’ve taken everything I had to give, even my stupid, foolish heart. So please, do me a favor and leave me alone, Court. Leave me alone.”
“I’ll fix this.” Words piled up in my throat. I pushed them down with a dry, painful swallow. “I’ll do whatever it takes, Rin. I—”
“Please,” she begged through a sob that wrenched her face in pain. “Please don’t say anything else. Please.”
And then she turned and ran down those stairs, and I dropped to sit, my knees too shaky to keep me standing, every word spoken to my aching, split heart.
It wasn’t because of her words, right as they were, true as they were. It wasn’t because of how deeply, how brutally, I’d hurt her even though that left me gutted and breathless.
It was because I had been wrong all along. About everything.
I’d thought I’d packed my heart away where it was safe. But I hadn’t.
I’d given it to Rin without my knowledge and against my will. And when she walked away just now, I realized something vital.
I didn’t want it back.
It was hers.
I’d rejected love under false pretenses because I hadn’t known what love was. I’d thought I’d loved Lydia, but that love was the greatest lie, built on quicksand my false hands. What I’d thought was love was an illusion, a maze of mirrors, an echoing hall.
And then I met Rin.
Her love was selfless and easy, given freely and without question. She loved with honesty I’d never known, with an open and willing heart. And the truth that I had realized so late, maybe too late, was that I loved her too.
I loved her unfailingly and without question. I loved her with a depth that I couldn’t test and fierceness I couldn’t contain. And the truth of that love had brought me to my knees, wondering how I could have been so blind. How I could have been so wrong.
I loved her for so many reasons.
I’d ruined her in so many ways.
And I would do anything, give anything, to make it right.
I only had to figure out how.
28
Fool's Paradise
Rin
I couldn’t stop crying.
Not rushing out of the building with a hundred eyes on me. Not on the train, no matter how hard I bit my lip or how many deep breaths I took. Not when I dragged myself through the door and fell into the arms of Amelia and Val, too broken, too shattered to speak.
I was haunted by echoing visions of all that had happened from the first moment he kissed me to the moment I walked away from him.
He’d accused me of trying to tempt him because he’d been tempted by Lydia.
He’d lost his mind when he saw me with his father because he thought it was happening again.
I’d endured the scrutiny of his father and his ex—his stepmother—who assessed me with the calculating detachment of curators, as if I were a piece up for auction.
His father, the president of The Met, who had walked in on us. In the library. At the museum.
But the worst part of all was that I loved a man who would never love me back. I’d thrown it all away for a man who put himself first, even when he was trying to protect me.
Beca
use in the end, he’d only wanted to protect himself.
The moment the tears ebbed, any one of those thoughts or a dozen more would draw more tears from the well of my heart.
I had failed. I had misfired my shot. I had lost my chance. And I’d lost my heart along with it.
He hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me something so simple, the one tiny bit of information that would explain everything. Because it did—he made perfect sense in the context of what he’d been through.
I imagined him with Lydia, and my stomach turned. Imagined them together, walking through the museum, strolling the streets of Florence, standing in front of David. I imagined that he loved her, and I imagined the betrayal he must have felt to find out that she had slept with his father. His father.
And then to have to see her? To know she slept every night in his own father’s bed? To endure her presence, a reminder of that betrayal?
It was no wonder he was tragically ruined. They’d left nothing for me but ash.
And that was the hardest part of all—I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to soothe his pain, reassure him, show him that it didn’t matter to me. To be that safe place for him. To protect him, even when he wouldn’t do the same for me.
But like he always said—everyone had a price. And now that I’d found my worth, I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t jump into the fire again. Because if he’d proven anything, it was that he would just keep hurting me.
It was too much to bear. Amelia whispered that time would help as she smoothed my hair, but I doubted there was enough time in the world for me to get over this.
Over my job. Over my humiliation. Over my broken heart.
Over him.
Court
I had a new plan.
It was completely insane. Batshit, bonkers, bananas. A ridiculous revelation that had struck me while sitting in the stairwell, wondering how in God’s name I was going to make it right, how I would get her back.