* * *
Leah liked Jamie, Rich’s wife. But until Paul had joined the softball team, she’d only talked to her sister-in-law occasionally. Whenever she did, though, Leah was impressed with Jamie’s charm and graciousness. She didn’t know her well enough to confide in her, but she hoped someday she would.
Leah needed a friend. Now more than ever. Diane was gone, and she’d drifted away from Linda, whose life had become so different from her own.
It wouldn’t surprise Leah to learn that the Saturday dinner had been Jamie’s idea. The two women had seen each other earlier in the week. Jamie had a doctor’s appointment and her usual babysitter hadn’t been available, so she’d called Leah. Naturally Leah had been happy to watch Bethany.
Bethany had been no trouble, and Jamie had been so grateful. She’d returned from her doctor’s appointment beaming with the news of a second pregnancy. Leah hadn’t told Paul, not wanting to ruin Rich’s surprise.
Perhaps it was Jamie’s happy news that brought Diane to mind. Leah missed her sister in so many ways. Yet she couldn’t help feeling that Diane still stood between her and Paul. Between her and the children.
Although Paul had been quick to offer her reassurances that Diane’s presence hadn’t followed them into the bedroom, Leah’s fears weren’t completely laid to rest. She hoped Paul had told her the truth—that Diane wasn’t part of their lovemaking. But if that was the case, why did Leah struggle with so much guilt?
Leah was afraid she knew exactly why. Without ever intending it, she truly had taken her sister’s place.
Although the children called her Leah, they thought of her as their mother. As Elizabeth Manning had pointed out, Leah was the only mother Kelsey had ever known.
She was a wife to Paul, too. A wife in every sense. But Leah wasn’t fooling herself. She knew her sister was the children’s mother. Although he’d married her, Paul didn’t love her. Maybe he wanted her, something he confessed to often. Maybe he needed her, something he demonstrated frequently. But he didn’t love her. Not the way he had Diane.
Leah had thought she’d be content marrying Paul so she could raise the twins and Kelsey as her own children. A husband and family were more than she’d ever dreamed of having. But, to her dismay, she found herself becoming greedy.
The realization lay heavy on her heart. She’d always be a substitute. A poor second. A stand-in wife and mother.
Perhaps she was just feeling sorry for herself. It wasn’t like her to feel so melancholy or morose, but she was carrying an additional burden now….
It didn’t make sense that taking her sister’s place should suddenly bother Leah so much. Not when she’d been living with Paul for nearly three months, married to him a month of that time.
Admit it, her heart cried. You’re in love with him.
So what if I am?
He loves Diane.
That’s all right, you loved Diane, too. She asked you to take her place, remember?
Leah did remember, but she hadn’t expected to fall in love with Paul. Hadn’t expected so many things.
She dressed carefully for the Saturday dinner, wanting Paul to be proud of her, but knowing that no matter what she wore or how she did her hair, she’d never be as beautiful as Diane.
Paul was in and out of the bedroom while she dressed. She’d been looking forward to this evening all week. Now she wasn’t sure.
She’d been feeling listless all day, tired, a bit despondent. At noon she’d lain down with the kids and napped. Leah couldn’t remember the last time she’d taken a nap. Not since she’d moved in with Paul, at any rate.
“You ready?” he asked, walking into the bedroom.
“I will be in a few minutes.”
Paul frowned. “Are you feeling all right?”
She nodded, holding back her news. All her life she’d been far too prone to keeping secrets.
“You’re not feeling well, are you?”
She sat at the edge of the bed and picked up her shoe, slipping on the patent leather pump. She hadn’t meant to say anything, at least not yet.
“Did I tell you I looked after Bethany the other day while Jamie went to the doctor?” she asked, her voice low.
“I remember you said something about it. Why?”
“No reason.” She backed off, not wanting to ruin the evening for them both.
“Leah, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She pressed her fingers under her eyes, afraid she might start weeping. “I’ve been feeling…different all day.”
“Any reason?” He sat on the bed beside her and reached for her hand.
Leah shrugged.
“Rich tells me Jamie’s expecting again.”
Leah nodded. “I’m really happy for them.”
“Better them than us,” Paul said with a small laugh.
Leah withdrew her hand from his. “What makes you say that?” she asked.
“For obvious reasons.”
“I …see,” she said stiffly.
“What do you see?” He sounded so puzzled.
There was no hiding the truth now. “Did it ever occur to you that…that I might be pregnant, too?”
Ten
“Are you pregnant?” Paul demanded. He couldn’t seem to stand still. His heart was in his throat, and the fear…the all-consuming fear overwhelmed him. He shoved his hands in his pants pockets and formed tight fists.
“Are you?” he demanded a second time when Leah didn’t respond.
“I don’t know. Not for sure. But…”
He jerked one hand free and raked it through his hair. “How could something like this have happened?”
Leah looked so small, sitting there on the edge of the bed. His question appeared to revive her. Slowly, her hazel eyes burning with indignation, she stared at him. “What do you mean, how could something like this have happened? Think about it, Paul. Just think about it.”
“We’ve been careful.” In fact, he’d taken responsibility for birth control himself.
“What…what about the first time?”
He uttered a curse, short and to the point. Then, when he saw Leah flinch, his regret was instantaneous. He would’ve given his right arm to yank back the ugly word. That first night they’d made love had been one of the most beautiful experiences of his life. But the thought that their first time together might have resulted in pregnancy terrified him to the marrow of his bones.
“There was one other time, too…remember?” she informed him quietly.
Paul did remember. He’d been so eager for her they hadn’t taken the necessary precautions. “How late are you?” he asked after a moment.
“Six days.”
“Oh, no.” Diane had never been late, except when she was carrying the twins and Kelsey. She’d always known by the end of the first week of her missed period whether or not she was pregnant.
“I … I’m not usually late, but… I could be for one reason or another.”
Paul nodded, but he wasn’t listening as he remembered the past few days. Leah had seemed tired and listless. Diane had been the same way during the first trimester of her pregnancies.
His heart froze in his chest, the dread nearly devouring him. He couldn’t lose Leah. Not his wife. Not again. He couldn’t bear it; he couldn’t survive without Leah. Not now, when he was just beginning to live again.
“I … I made an appointment with the doctor for Monday morning,” she said haltingly. “I wasn’t going to say anything until I’d been to see him…but—”
“You should’ve said something before this,” he broke in.
“Why?” she flared. “So you could be angry with me sooner?”
“I’m not angry.”
“You’re not exactly overjoyed, either.”
“You’re right,” he answered crossly, “I’m not. Can you blame me?”
“No.” The word was a strangled whisper. Her chin came up and tears brimmed in her eyes, ready to spill down her ashen cheeks. Her lower lip s
tarted to tremble, and Paul felt a knife twist in his heart.
She was so vulnerable, sitting there, pale and beautiful, bleeding from the wounds his fear had inflicted. He knelt in front of her and clasped her hands in his own. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Leah. I didn’t mean to upset you. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together. All right?”
She nodded.
The doorbell chimed in the distance, and Paul knew it was the babysitter. “Are you ready?”
Once more Leah nodded. “I think so… I’m sorry, my timing’s incredibly bad—I shouldn’t have mentioned it tonight. It just sort of…slipped out.”
Paul kissed her temple and placed his hand on her shoulder. “We’ll talk about it later. For now, let’s put it aside and enjoy our dinner. Agreed?”
She gave him a watery smile and nodded.
* * *
Leah didn’t know how she was going to survive dinner with Paul’s family.
She desperately wished she hadn’t told Paul she might be pregnant. She’d been conscious of the possibility for the past few days, so she’d already gone through the full spectrum of emotions. It hadn’t been fair to hit Paul with the news so unexpectedly—just before a dinner party, of all things.
The moment the thought of pregnancy occurred to her, Leah’s immediate reaction had been sheer joy. She’d been standing in front of the kitchen calendar when the realization suddenly struck her. It didn’t seem possible. So soon? They hadn’t made love all that often yet, but it seemed the most logical explanation for why she was late.
Her timing wasn’t exactly spectacular—they’d only been married a few weeks—but Leah was thrilled. She loved Paul and the thought of having his baby, their baby, had filled her with excitement.
She’d been fearful, too. But not because of her sister. Diane’s death had come about through a rare series of events. The likelihood that it might happen again was so slim it didn’t warrant consideration. What did concern her were the demands of another child. She loved Kelsey and the twins, but by the end of the day she was exhausted. She was worried, too, about how the children would feel about another sibling.
But her biggest fear of all had been Paul’s reaction. For that reason alone, she hadn’t intended to mention anything to him until she was certain. She certainly hadn’t intended to blurt it out the way she had. Perhaps she was hoping, praying, that he’d share some of her happiness.
Only Paul hadn’t been happy. He’d been upset. Then regretful. She could understand and forgive his reaction; nevertheless it hurt. In fact, the pain went so deep, Leah didn’t know how she was going to sit through dinner and smile.
“How often have you been late before?” Paul asked when they were in the car.
“Not often, and never more than a few days…that I can remember.”
His hands tightened on the steering wheel until his knuckles went white. “I was afraid of that.”
“I …thought you said we shouldn’t worry about it now.”
He sighed. “You’re right, but I don’t know if I can stop thinking about it.”
Leah waited a moment, her heart aching. “Would it be so terrible?”
“Yes.” His response was immediate. Harsh.
Leah’s throat constricted. She turned her head and looked out the side window, wondering how she was going to keep from crying. It wouldn’t hurt nearly as much if she didn’t know how Paul had reacted when Diane told him she was pregnant with the twins, or when they’d learned she was going to have Kelsey. Paul had been delighted. Exuberant. He’d been so excited they’d celebrated for weeks. Diane had claimed Paul loved her the most when she was pregnant. He was gentle and romantic.
With Diane.
With Leah he was angry and disappointed.
Unexpectedly Paul reached for her hand, gripping it tightly. “Don’t worry, we’ll get through this.”
“I’m not the one who’s worried.”
From the corner of her eye, Leah watched as Paul frowned darkly. “Maybe you should be.”
“Why?”
“Why?” he exploded. “You just don’t get it, do you? Look what happened to Diane when she had Kelsey. Do you honestly think I want to lose you?”
“A pregnancy isn’t going to kill me.”
“I don’t want to chance it,” he said firmly, leaving no room for discussion.
“Unfortunately, we may not have the option.”
His lips tightened. “Do you mind if we deal with this some other time? We’re nearly at the restaurant.”
“All right,” she whispered, managing by some miracle to hold the tears at bay.
When they arrived, Jason was sitting in the restaurant foyer waiting for them. Leah could’ve sworn it was the first time she’d seen Paul’s brother without a baseball cap on his head. He was tall and good-looking, his eyes the same intense shade of blue as Paul’s. He stood, smiling, when they entered the restaurant.
“Glad you two made it,” Jason said. “Rich and Jamie will be here any minute.”
Paul’s smile lacked friendliness. He didn’t respond to Jason’s remark; instead, he buried his hands in his pockets and stared across the linen-covered tables at the view of Lake Union.
“So, Leah,” Jason said, apparently willing to try again, “how’s married life treating you?”
“Fine.” There was no need to exaggerate.
Jason hesitated. “I’m pleased to hear it.”
Leah, too, focused her gaze on the distance. The ability to make small talk had deserted her completely.
“Jamie made reservations,” Jason announced. “Why don’t we wait for them at our table? We might as well relax and enjoy the view.”
“Sounds like a good idea to me.” Paul said. He placed his hand at the small of Leah’s back as they followed the hostess to a table for six by the window.
“Will someone else be joining us?” Leah asked conversationally, hoping to make up for her unsociable behavior earlier. “A date, Jason?”
“Not for me,” he said, reaching toward the middle of the table for a bread stick. “I’m leaving all the marrying in this family to everyone else.”
“Don’t you want to get married?”
“Yes and no… I’m not opposed to it if that’s how things go, but it isn’t in my game plan right now.”
“I know what you mean,” Leah said, helping herself to an olive, ignoring Paul, who sat silent and morose beside her. “It would be nice if it happened, but if you don’t find someone it won’t be the end of the world.”
“Exactly.”
Paul remained ominously silent.
A few minutes later, Rich and Jamie arrived. Jamie’s eyes were bright with happiness. Rich pulled out the chair for his wife, his gaze holding hers as they exchanged a lover’s look.
They all greeted one another and then they studied the menu. “Tonight’s a dual celebration,” Rich announced proudly, smiling at his wife. “As you probably know, Jamie and I are going to be parents again.”
“All right!” Jason said, pumping his fist in the air.
“Congratulations,” Leah said, continuing to study her menu.
“Congratulations,” Paul echoed with a decided lack of enthusiasm.
If anyone noticed, and Leah prayed they hadn’t, they didn’t comment. Watching Rich and Jamie and seeing the love they shared so openly, so generously, with each other, Leah felt her heart ache anew.
She hadn’t thought she could have been any more miserable than she already was, but sitting through dinner with Paul’s brother and his wife was agony. The love between Rich and Jamie was like a mirror that reflected all the weaknesses in Leah’s relationship with Paul. His reaction to the news that she might be pregnant confirmed everything she’d ever feared about her marriage.
They ordered their meals and a bottle of champagne to honor Leah and Paul’s wedding. But Leah didn’t feel much like celebrating and apparently Paul didn’t, either. For the second time that evening, Leah pray
ed no one noticed. She wasn’t worried about Rich and Jamie feeling slighted; their attention was completely on each other. But Jason was another story. More than once she felt her brother-in-law’s gaze. She tried to smile, tried to reassure him, but Leah discovered she had very little reassurance to give.
Not once did Paul speak directly to her during dinner. Leah didn’t know if the snub was intentional or not. Nor had he spoken to anyone else unless he was addressed, and then he responded with as few words as possible.
The entire evening was a disaster. Leah fully accepted the blame. She should never have told Paul about the baby…if there even was a baby.
“You barely touched your dinner,” he commented on the drive home.
“I …wasn’t hungry.” And she hadn’t taken more than a sip or two of champagne, just in case she was pregnant.
After that remark he didn’t say anything. He gazed straight ahead, concentrating on the road.
“You didn’t seem interested in eating yourself,” she said tentatively sometime later.
Still not looking at her, Paul expelled his breath. “I guess I wasn’t hungry, either.”
* * *
That night Paul couldn’t sleep. Guilt and fear made for hellish companions in bed. He’d never thought of himself as a particularly heroic man, but he wasn’t a coward, either. From the minute Leah announced she might be pregnant, he’d revised that opinion of himself.
He was the biggest coward who ever lived. He’d trembled with fear as soon as the word pregnant left her lips.
Knowing it was useless to lie there and toss and turn, Paul climbed out of bed and made his way into the kitchen. He didn’t turn on any lights, but pulled out a chair and sat down in the dark. Propping his elbows on the table, he hid his face in his hands as he tried to reason with himself.
He should’ve been more careful, he told himself. He was an adult. He knew how to prevent a pregnancy. Considering what had happened to Diane, his carelessness, his casual neglect of precautions, horrified him.
He loved Leah, honestly loved her. He didn’t understand how he’d been so fortunate as to have married two of the most generous, loving women he’d ever known.