I wasn’t sure how much I should tell him. I was beginning to think I should talk to Mama first. No matter what, I knew she had to have had a good reason. Before talking to Nicolas, I’d been under the impression that her keeping our relationship with the Cortez brothers from me had been for my own protection. But that didn’t make sense now.
I kept to myself that Mama had lied about Shelby’s Mama moving to Oklahoma with her sister. But I had to ask about something else. “Did you know about the vigil Shelby’s mama has every year for Madeline and Shelby?”
He nodded sadly. “Last year was the only year I didn’t attend.”
“Because of Tara?” I asked as the jealousy inundated me.
“No. She didn’t have an issue with me keeping up the memory of my dead girlfriend. It’s not like she was a threat to our relationship or anything”—he chuckled dryly— “until she was. I just felt like I needed to move on. The pain weighed so heavily on me still even after all these years. Five years of mourning was enough. But now . . .” He stopped and gazed at me, and my heart went out to him as his eyes began to glisten. “I don’t think even a hundred years will be enough time for my heart to ever get over her.”
He glanced away as a single tear rolled down his cheek. My heart ached the way it had when I first saw him, the way it’d ached when I heard the name peanut and all the times I’d been torn away from him in my dreams. I was tempted to walk over to comfort him, but somehow, I thought that might make it worse.
“The day I found out . . .” He shook his head, brows pinching severely, and he looked away again until he was somewhat composed. “I never knew someone could endure so much pain and not die. I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to.” His head dropped, and he brought his fingers to his eyes. “Still do anytime I think of her, and I think of her all the fucking time.”
His voice broke and that was it. I got up and took the few steps toward him, bringing my arms around his neck. To my surprise, he hugged me back, crying softly against my shoulder. Just like when I’d held onto him on the motorcycle, this felt perfect, like we’d been doing this forever. He was so much bigger than I, but we fit perfectly together. My heart sped up as my suspicions grew. It couldn’t be possible. It just couldn’t.
His body shook, and I hugged him even harder, wanting to take his pain away. Without thinking, I turned and kissed his temple softly three times. He tensed but didn’t pull away, only he did lift his head and eyed me, his own red eyes soaked in tears. “Why’d you do that?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“I mean three times? Why’d you kiss me three times?”
I shook my head, not understanding why that would matter; then my heart walloped. “Why? Did she do that?”
“Yes,” he said, gazing in my eyes in that way that made me melt. “She said it was habit. But she really only did it when she was trying to calm me down, not that she needed to. Her touch alone could do that. Just having her in my arms was all I needed.” His arm came around me a little tighter as his eyes dropped to my lips. “Jesus, everything about you is just like her, even the swell of your lips. You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.
Poof!
In the next second, his lips were on mine; his savage tongue devoured every inch of my mouth as he moaned loudly. The flashes in my head were relentless as I let him kiss me with such desperation because I too was feeling the desperate need for him to continue. I felt his thick erection press against my leg as his hand came up to my neck and he clasped it. He didn’t squeeze, but his hand was so big it easily went around the entire front part of my neck.
Even this felt like something I’d experienced many times. Yet, unlike with Ryan’s aggressive touch, this didn’t feel intimidating or anger me. It was like I knew it was something that calmed him, but I didn’t feel threatened in the least. It was almost arousing, and I pressed my body to him. His big hand caressed my neck but never squeezed, and he groaned in my mouth again, almost as if in pain. But not just a lustful pain. This kiss, this entire exchange, was so much bigger than the both of us. I could feel it in the urgency—feel it in his heavy breathing.
Nico would start to pull away only to pull me back in his arms, and like in the dream, I held on for dear life. The ecstasy of knowing he was feeling the very thing I was feeling to my very core, was also devastatingly painful. He’d been hurting all these years just as much as I had. He didn’t want this to end as much as I didn’t. I needed him to keep kissing me. I needed his tongue on mine, his lips devouring mine forever.
“Jesus,” he said against my lips as his tongue plunged back with mine, his hard body pressed firmly against mine.”
The urgency had calmed a bit. Our kissing had a deeper feeling than just how incredibly turned our we were. His tongue did a complete sweep of my mouth, slowly, rhythmically as if he didn’t want to miss a single inch.
And then he pulled away.
Just as fast as it started, he pulled his body away from me. “Fuck!” he said, running his fingers roughly through his hair.
His eyes were still wet and red rimmed, and he stared at me wide-eyed before bolting to the open motel door.
“It’s okay, Nicolas.”
“No, it’s not!” he barked as I watched him grab his jacket, helmet, and keys. “You’re her sister, damn it. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I said anxiously as he walked out of the room and past me, my body still trembling from that amazing emotion that single exchange had been packed with. “It’s natural. You miss her terribly, and I look just like her. It’s okay. Where you going?”
“I need to get away from here.” He hopped on his bike then turned to me one last time. “From you. I’m sorry.”
With that, he kick-started the motorcycle and roared away . I stood there, still tasting him in my mouth. If Mama wasn’t on her trip this weekend, I’d call her that second because I needed answers now. But with her being at her possibly soon-to-be-daughter-in-law’s home, this was not a good time for a discussion this heavy.
I didn’t even realize my breath was still stuck in my throat along with a boulder-sized knot, until I exhaled heavily, watching Nicolas drive out of sight. If I had questions before I came here, I had a million now. That kiss and the flashes of kissing Nicolas so many times and in so many different places were too clear. I’d felt his possessiveness when he’d held my neck as he had today and I’d seen it in his eyes. Only, unlike with Ryan, I loved Nico’s possessive nature. Because he really did own me—my heart and soul—and I owned his. Me? I? How did that even make sense?
It had finally come together. This is what my heart had been begging me to remember. Nico was the void I’d felt all these years. It just didn’t make any sense. The only thing I knew for certain was I was desperately in love with him. After that kiss, I knew that for sure. So, either we’d been having some kind of secret affair—betraying the one person we both claimed to love so much—or there had been a terrible mistake the day of the accident. Because the other thing I was certain of now was that this wasn’t the first time those lips had kissed mine. This wasn’t the first time I’d felt his body. It wasn’t just that his erection yearned for me as much as my still throbbing need yearned for Nico. In that moment, we’d both experienced that same undeniable magic. There was no other way to describe it. It was something I was certain I’d never again feel with anyone. There’d be no duplicating that ever, but even worse, my heart knew it wasn’t the first time my body and soul had experienced it. And just as I knew I’d never feel it again with anyone else, deep in my heart, I knew I never had with anyone else either.
Grabbing the bottle of wine and cheese and crackers, I trudged back into the room, my heart still thundering away. I wondered if he was gone for good or if he’d be back. I almost didn’t drink the glass I’d poured myself, since I wasn’t in the mood for it now. But with so many new questions scrambling in my head, I figured the only way I’d get to sleep tonight wa
s if I had one . . . or two.
Chapter 20
The roar of the motorcycle engine outside the motel room both surprised and excited me so much I jumped off the bed where I’d been sitting. I rushed to the door, feeling like a giddy teenager. When Nico hadn’t returned last night, I figured he’d decided to just go home—get away from me for good—even if it meant sacrificing the small duffle of clothes he’d left behind.
It was still a couple of hours until the time I’d agreed to meet Steve out by my muddied car. He’d been right about the weather; it was sunny, bright, and much warmer today. My insides went wild at the glorious sight of Nico when I opened the door.
“You came back,” I said, stepping out onto the porch and aware I was smiling too big, but it couldn’t be helped.
He got off his bike and opened the storage compartment of his bike. My heart sank a little when I realized he may’ve only come back for his duffle. Nico glanced up at me. Our eyes meeting was enough to make me breathe in deeply.
“Did you think I’d be letting you go out there alone with Steve the Smackdat idiot?”
I grinned, feeling my heart flutter, even though I knew that, just like yesterday when he’d agreed to ride me back into town, he was only concerned about my safety because of whose sister I was.
“Listen. About last night—”
“If you can, please pretend it never happened,” he said, interrupting me.
I stared at him in disbelief. As if that would ever be possible. I’d remember every facet of that kiss my entire life if I lived to be a thousand.
Obviously, he knew exactly what the look on my face was about because he exhaled before adding the next part. “I’d appreciate it if you would because it’s what I’m gonna try to do. It was beyond wrong, and I spent the whole fucking night apologizing to your sister about it. Now I’ll apologize to you,” he said as he walked up to the porch.
Those gorgeous eyes would be the end of me. He gazed at me, as the strong resolve he’d ridden up with waned a bit, but he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. That won’t happen again. It’s just that . . .” Like last night, his eyes fell onto my lips again, and I was instantly tingling everywhere. “Fuck!” he said, walking past me into the room.
I followed him and watched him grab his duffle then start back to the door. “Do you have to look so much like her?”
I shrugged, not knowing how else to respond to that. I felt guilty because I knew the fact that I drove him so insane should make me feel bad. Instead, it excited me. The suspicions were beginning to fester, not so much the insane idea that there’d been a huge mix-up that everybody missed—a terrible mistake that not one single person caught—but that something was definitely amiss. What I felt for Nico was so profound that there was no way I could even question if I was in love with him anymore. I knew I was indisputably utterly in love with him. I knew now without a doubt he was what my heart held out hope for all these years. And what, clearly, he couldn’t even hide when he saw me had to mean something.
“Let’s go get breakfast,” he said as he walked out the door. “We still have a couple of hours before we have to go meet that douche.”
I left my carryon with the front desk when I checked out. Nico once again insisted on me wearing the helmet. He wouldn’t even allow me to negotiate that we take turns wearing it. Bringing my arms around him as I climbed on the bike again was pure heaven. The sheer bliss of just breathing in the scent of him and leaning my body against his rock-hard back was something I already knew I could never get enough of.
We went back to the same cafe we’d had lunch at the day before. It wasn’t until I was sitting there taking in all the aromas of different breakfast platters being served that I realized after lunch yesterday, save for the cheese and crackers last night, I’d skipped dinner. No wonder one glass of wine had gone straight to my head. Turned out to be a good thing. I’d knocked out easily despite the million things I had playing out in my head.
“So, where’d you sleep last night?” I asked curiously when the waitress walked away after bringing us our menus.
“In Bourbon,” he said, reading his menu. “Small town ’bout forty minutes from here. Only two hotels in the whole town, but at least they had vacancies.”
I felt bad. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. That he shouldn’t have come back today. He could’ve just gone home and been done with this. He had said he wanted to just forget about the incident last night. That would’ve been the best way. But truth was I loved that he’d come back. Besides, he’d left his duffle, and who was I to say there wasn’t anything important in it. I’d had so many other things to obsess about in the last twenty-four hours the idea of snooping through his things hadn’t even occurred to me. Of course, I’d planned on shipping it out to him, but I was still beyond grateful for the chance to spend more time with him, especially after last night.
My dreams last night had of course been all about him. Only these dreams weren’t heart-wrenching or nightmares. I was just glad I was alone. Like the erotic dream I’d had back home, I was certain I must’ve been doing a whole lot of moaning last night, considering every dream I had now was about Nico doing things to me I could only fantasize he ever would.
My face warmed just thinking about it. I lifted the menu slightly to cover my face because I was sure I was blushing. “I think I’ll have the corned beef hash and eggs with a side of biscuits and gravy.”
When I set the menu down, he was staring at me but not in that special way that turned my insides to mush. This time it was practically a glare.
“What?” I asked, confused.
“What are you doing?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, completely lost.
“Maddie always ordered corned beef hash and eggs with a side of biscuits and gravy.” His eyes went even darker. “You hated biscuits and gravy.”
I don’t know what I was more stunned by. What he’d just informed me of, that he was glaring at me like I was purposely trying to torture him, or that anyone could hate biscuits and gravy.
“I didn’t know that,” I said in all honesty.
“Just like you didn’t know her kissing me three times in a row was her habit?”
“I didn’t,” I said again this time, feeling a little pissed. “I swear I don’t remember any of that.”
Did he really think, after how upset I’d seen him get last night and seeing firsthand what a torment it was for him to even be around me, that I’d be that cruel? Here he’d done me a huge favor and was still here when he didn’t have to be, and he thought I’d repay him by being a coldhearted bitch?
“You really like biscuits and gravy now?” he asked skeptically. “You used to say it looked like cat puke on shit and always said you didn’t understand why your sister had to order the prison slop every time. It pissed you off that you’d be forced to smell them whenever we all went out for breakfast.”
My jaw dropped. If this wasn’t proof there’d been some huge mix up, I don’t know what was. I loved biscuits and gravy. My stomach roiled as my suspicions resurfaced tenfold. Staring back at him, I had no idea how to respond to what he’d just said. My head frantically debated whether I should tell him what I’d begun to suspect.
Shaking my head, I decided not to. Not yet. “I have no idea why I would like them now, but I do. I’ve been eating them for as long as I can remember.”
His eyes narrowed in on mine, and for a moment, it made me breathless. Had the thought crossed his mind now too?
“That’s too fucking weird.” He stared at me a little longer then shrugged. “But then I guess you not remembering anything is just as weird. And I never actually saw you try them. You’d always refuse to when Maddie tried to get you to. For all I know, maybe you never had and now that you have, you like them. Who wouldn’t?”
“My thoughts exactly.”
Not entirely. Only I’d keep what else I was thinking to myself. Telling him what I was beginning to suspect might be crueler than my p
urposely trying to remind him even more of the love of his life. As if my appearance weren’t bad enough, giving him a shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, this farfetched theory might have some merit and then finding out I’m totally wrong could be setting him up to have to lose her all over again.
We ate the rest of our breakfast with no further incidents or surprises. Though I did catch him staring at me weirdly a few times. I insisted on paying for breakfast since he’d paid for lunch yesterday; but it didn’t happen without argument. Just like with the helmet, the guy was stubborn as all hell, but much to his exasperation, I stood my ground.
We drove out to where my car was stuck. To our surprise, Steve already had it out when we got there. “Hey.” He smiled, looking up from his clipboard as I got off Nico’s bike and walked to him. “Just in time.”
“You said eleven,” I said, pulling my phone out of my purse to check the time.
“Yeah, I did,” he said, handing me the clipboard. “But I finished up with my last call early, and I didn’t wanna get tied up with anything between that one and this. So, I figured I should just head over here and get started early. I thought I might have a harder time, but it wasn’t too bad actually.”
I signed the paperwork and handed the clipboard back to him. “So, I’m good to go?” I asked, checking out the muddied tires.
“Yeah.” He nodded, walking around with me to inspect the car. “You might wanna take it through a car wash though so you can get some of the stuff off that’s caked on to your tires. You don’t want anything rusting or your paint job scratched with the dry mud.”
I agreed with a nod and thanked him for the tip then turned to him, surprised by his open arms. “It was good seeing you after all these years,” he said as I leaned to him, and he took me in for an awkward bear hug.
“Good seeing you too,” I said, which was stupid considering before yesterday he was a stranger to me, but I didn’t know what else to say.
Glancing up over his shoulder, my eyes met with Nico’s visibly annoyed eyes. He was leaning against his motorcycle a couple of yards away where he’d parked it. Disgust was probably a better way to describe the way he flagrantly took us in. He hadn’t even tried to hide the distaste of seeing us hug. Thankfully, Steve pulled away just then.