He eases in and out, saying things I hear but don’t actually comprehend. For just a few more minutes, I’m drunk on him. Stupid drunk.
Before I can reach the top of my second climb, he releases into me. My thoughts weigh too heavy as he whispers my name repeatedly. When he’s done, he kisses my shoulder, my neck, and then my lips. My ability to think finally returns when his thumbs caress my cheeks.
Holding his face in my hands, I pull him closer to whisper in his ear. “Do I owe you for tonight, or does Cole have me covered?”
His body stiffens against mine. “What did you just say?”
“I said, since he paid you to fuck me, I assume this one was included.”
“It’s not—” he stumbles on his words as he grips my upper arms. Maybe it’s just his way of keeping me here.
“I found the divorce papers this afternoon. I thought it was kind of strange that they cited infidelity and were drawn up before we even touched each other. Then as I was leaving the house tonight, Cole decided to tell me everything. He said he paid you to fuck me. Is that true, River? Did my husband pay you?” My lips stay firmly against his ear.
I hear him breathing, but his lack of words say everything. No denial is just as good as an admission. What Cole did to me hurt, but I like to believe that what we had was genuine up to a point—the point where money and his ego became more important than his love for me. This was never real. Even when I thought it was, it wasn’t.
He backs out of my grip, pulling out of me along the way. I’m not sure what I expected to see when I finally saw his face, but I definitely didn’t expect the broken man who stares back at me.
“You should leave.”
I slide off the desk, tugging down my skirt. “You know, on second thought, he overpaid you. Even if it was only a penny, it was far too much.” Looking him over one last time, I add, “I could’ve done much better.”
His Adam’s apple bobs just as I turn away. As I walk toward the door, I remember the last thing Cole told me. “Don’t forget to send Cole the pictures. He’s going to need them to divorce me, and frankly, that can’t happen soon enough,” I say without turning around. I take the stairs down to VIP quickly, not bothering to look at any of the partiers who occupy it.
When I finally make it outside, I breathe in all the fresh air my lungs will hold, waiting impatiently for the valet to bring my car. All I want to do is disappear inside my hotel room and fall into a bed that’s not even mine. Nothing is mine.
Tears flow down my cheeks as I realize what true loneliness really feels like. It’s the saddest place I’ve ever been, and I don’t have a clue what I did to deserve the ticket that got me here.
TWO NIGHTS. THAT’S HOW LONG I’ve been holed up in this hotel room feeling sorry for myself.
Two minutes ago I realized that I’m the only person who can dig myself out of this mess. I’m too strong to sulk, and obviously what I had isn’t worth sulking over.
My phone started to go off as soon as I settled into Cry Fest 2015 on Wednesday night and didn’t let up all day yesterday. Over 100 missed calls and texts await me when I unlock the screen. I read the first from Cole and throw my phone back on the bed. The asshole can pretend he cares about someone else because there’s absolutely nothing he can do to save us now.
I shouldn’t look at this as the end, but instead a chance for a new beginning. Since the day I walked out of law school, I’ve wanted to work for the prosecutor’s office. Some day, I want to be the prosecutor. Cole steered me in a different direction, but he’s no longer guiding my path. I want to make a difference in the lives of others, put a few bad guys away.
My degree and license to practice in the state of Florida still hang in my office. The resume I update every now and again sits on my laptop that I left at work. As much as I don’t want to step foot back in that place or anywhere near him, I need to. If I’m lucky, Cole sees our pending divorce as his ticket to work out of town every single day of the week, and he won’t be there.
After a quick shower, I quickly pull myself together with a pair of high-waisted black slacks and a sleeveless white blouse. Instead of tying my hair up, I leave it down and use my curling iron to add a few beachy waves, giving the illusion that I’m okay. That this whole thing hasn’t affected me the way it truly has. And if he is there for some reason, I want to show him exactly what he left behind.
With my hotel only a few blocks from the office, it takes me only fifteen minutes to get there, even with a stop at Starbucks along the way. Beatrice’s eyes practically pop out of her head when she sees me walking through the door. She was the one person I called yesterday from the hotel phone to let her know I was okay, but that I wouldn’t be in the office. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to be in today either, but things change.
“Good morning,” I say, breaking the spell.
She blinks her eyes. “Good morning.”
I notice the light on in Cole’s office and nod toward mine, hoping Beatrice will take the hint and follow. She does, slowly closing the door behind us. “Today is going to be my last day here,” I tell her, watching her face fall. If I knew what I was going to do and could take her with me, I would. Not that I think she’d ever leave this place.
“Cole had mentioned that yesterday. I’m really sorry about everything,” she says, her eyes welling with tears. “What can I do to help?”
“None of this is your fault. You help him with his schedules and documents. You don’t manage the asshole that he is.”
“I know, but it’s been really hard for me to not go in his office and throw a stack of hard cover law books at him. Then, I started to wonder if there’s anything left in there to damage.” Her neck turns red when she’s mad.
“Stop. You’ve known him since he was a child,” I bark. It’s perfectly okay if I throw the book at him, but Beatrice has to stay here and work with him.
“I know, and I blame this on his father. The man was a great businessman, but he didn’t have much sense when it came to anything else.” She stops for a minute, watching me power up my computer. “It’s really going to suck here without you.”
“I promise we’ll get together as often as we can for coffee or lunch. Just because Cole and I aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean I have to leave everything about my old life behind.”
She smiles. “True.”
“Anyway,” I start, “I’m going to contact a few clients, pack up a few things, and head out.” I nod in the direction of Cole’s office. “I don’t want to stay any longer than I have to.”
“He’s been quiet,” she admits.
“Maybe the asshole actually feels guilty.”
Beatrice doesn’t know much about what happened—what really happened—and she never will. As much as I hate what Cole did, and how much he hurt me, my goal isn’t to bring him down. Instead, I’m walking away. You don’t dedicate yourself to someone for eleven years and then just let him go. He wasn’t my first love, but he held my heart the longest. He was my most meaningful love. That’s why this hurts so much. I’ve buried a lot of the pain under anger, but it won’t be pleasant when it resurfaces again.
Her smile holds a hint of sadness when I come back to reality. “I think he does. He should.” She motions toward her desk. “I should probably get back before the phone starts ringing. I’ll grab you a couple boxes,” she adds, sadly.
“Thank you.”
After she leaves, I spend a few minutes staring at the other thing I’ll miss about this office: the view; the ocean of memories is my solace. It leads to dreams that maybe someday I’ll have a job that allows me to have an apartment or condo with a view like this. The thought alone gives me something to look forward to.
I hear the door open and close behind me. Then, the one person I don’t want to deal with right now is standing next to me, taking in my view alongside me.
“Aren’t you going to miss this?” he asks, as we both stare off into the distance.
“There are more
than 300 million miles of ocean. I’m sure I can find somewhere else to stare at it,” I answer back, folding my arms over my chest to guard my already wounded heart.
I feel him looking at me, but I stubbornly keep my eyes on the clear blue water. Just when I think I can’t cry anymore, I find out I can and probably will. “Can we talk? There are a few things I’d like to say now that we’ve both had time to settle down.”
“What did you have to settle down from? Getting caught?” I ask, my frustration boiling over.
He lightly brushes the backs of his fingers down my bare arm. “You seem to forget I’m not the only one who screwed up here. Give me five minutes. Please.” His voice is soft like cashmere as the last word falls from his lips.
I don’t want him to take another second of my life, but maybe it’ll bring some of the answers I need and give me some closure. And, he’s right. I haven’t been perfect either. “Five minutes.”
He motions to the chairs that sit in front of my desk. Without a word, I sit in one and wait for him to take the other. The tension in the room is thick. My lover became a stranger virtually overnight.
“I love you.”
His choice of words startles me. “What?”
“I love you. Before I say anything else, I need to say that.”
“You have a crazy way of showing it.”
“Tell me you don’t love me. Even after everything you’ve done, I bet you can’t say it.” His words send an ice pick straight through my heart. Somehow, I keep forgetting that I’m the one who took the bait.
“I can’t,” I admit. If I didn’t love him, this wouldn’t hurt so damn much. To open your heart is to open yourself to heartbreak.
“Then hear me out.” He pauses, making sure he has my full attention. “I hired River to find out if you’d cheat. He was never actually supposed to go through with it. I just wanted a few pictures of you entering his apartment. Maybe a kiss.”
“Why did he agree to do it? He doesn’t need the money.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “He works at a nightclub.”
“He owns a slew of nightclubs,” I correct him. This is the part I can’t make sense of … why would River need to do this at all?
“Are you sure he didn’t lie to you? I doubt a man who takes money to entice another man’s wife is all that moral.”
I shake my head. The line between the truth and lies is invisible to me after everything that’s happened. “I guess none of that matters anyway.”
“You’re right. None of that matters.”
Fault swings like a pendulum. I slept with another man before I knew my husband hired him to lure me. Neither one of us is really innocent. “Why did you come home on Sunday?”
“I tried calling him Saturday to call it all off, but he didn’t answer. I felt horrible after I got off the phone with you Friday, and after I thought about it, I realized I was the one who put the wedge between us. It wasn’t about what I thought you’d do, but why you’d even consider it.”
I nod. Sadly, it kind of makes sense. “And why the divorce papers?”
He shrugs. “I drew them up when I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt as if you wanted a baby so badly, you were sacrificing us. It’s all you ever talked about.”
I throw my arms in the air as tears prick my eyes. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?” I shout, not caring who hears me. The true cause is all the things we should have said. I’m never going to let that happen again.
He crouches in front of me, hands resting on my knees. “I didn’t know how, baby. I focused so much on who or what was right. I was too busy being a lawyer to be your husband.”
“And when you came home Wednesday night, you acted as if nothing had happened when you walked through the door. You kissed me on the cheek and told me how nice I looked. None of this makes sense, Cole,” I cry.
“For two days, I lived with the idea of not being with you, and I didn’t like it,” he says quietly, squeezing my knees.
“Are you just saying all this because you’re still waiting on your precious pictures?” The thought of their existence makes me feel dirty inside.
“Fuck the pictures,” he says. “If I really wanted to end this—to bring you down—I wouldn’t need them. You admitted to the whole thing so they’re irrelevant. Don’t you see … I brought them up to hurt you the way you hurt me.”
It all makes sense, but it doesn’t. There’s not a true victim in this story; neither one of us was in the right.
“The original divorce papers are in my office,” he adds. “It’s up to you what we do with them.”
“What are you saying?” Everything is clear, and then it’s blurry again.
“I’m saying I want us to be together if you do. We both fucked up, and I think we each deserve a second chance.”
I instantly shake my head. I almost can’t believe what I’m hearing. “I can’t. You broke so much trust between us, Cole. We’d be kidding ourselves if we thought this could work after everything that has happened.”
“So, you’re just going to give up?” he asks.
“I think we both did a long time ago.”
I wonder if the man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere. I wonder if the woman he fell in love with still exists within me. And if they do, would they belong together? People claim each of us has a soul mate who we’re meant to be with. I don’t think that’s true at all. There are multiple people in the world each of us could fall in love with. How well you change together is truly what determines how long you’ll be together.
He pulls his hands away. “Can you at least think about it?” His eyes plead as much as, if not more than, his voice.
“We’re done. We have to be,” I answer, even though it hurts.
“I can’t accept that.”
“You have to.”
Minutes of silence surround us before he gets up and walks out my door. Cole Mason isn’t going to give up, not if his eyes are still set on me. And there’s no way I’m backing down. I’m done … we’re done.
“YOU WORKED FOR MASON LAW FIRM for almost eight years. Why would you want to work here as an assistant? The hours are long and the pay likely pales in comparison to what you make now.”
I sit up straight and pull at the lapels of my navy suit jacket. It’s been so long since I’ve been in an interview that I could literally puke from the nerves. “The reason I went to law school in the first place was to work for the district attorney’s office. Plans changed along the way, but this is still what I want to do. It’s never been about money for me.”
“Don’t you think it will be a little odd if you’re pitted against your husband in the courtroom?”
“Between you and I, Ms. Rolfson, Cole and I are done. Besides, he rarely dabbles in this type of law, but if he happens to, we’re both professionals.” I haven’t seen him since I left the office almost a week ago. We’ve had a few quick text messages, but that’s it.
She nods. “I swear no one stays married anymore.” Glancing at her hand, I notice she’s without a ring. “If you’re selected, when would you be able to start?” she asks, bringing my eyes back up.
“I can start whenever you need me.” I grab at my lapels again. This room is so warm, and I swear I’ve been in here for at least two hours. The only thing left for her to ask is what color underwear I’m wearing today.
“Well, Ms. Mason, it’s been really nice talking with you. I hope that we’re able to make a final decision on candidates by the middle of next week. We’ll let you know either way.”
“Thank you,” I say, holding my hand out to her. She’s probably cringing inwardly at the feel of my sweaty palm.
“My pleasure.”
As I walk out of the courthouse and into the humid Miami summer weather, I pull my jacket off and throw it over my shoulder. The back of my sleeveless white blouse is soaked through, but I don’t care. I feel free and so confident. I’m not a shoo-in for the job, but it’s still nice to have the first
interview under my belt. If I happen to get this one, it will be the first step toward a lifetime dream. If I’d been smart, I would have done this years ago. I felt obligated to Mason Law because of who I married, but looking back, I think Cole could have made it without me. Maybe things would have been better if we had separate work lives. I’ll never know.
My phone vibrates in my purse. Standing against one of downtown’s many office buildings, I pull it out.
Cole: What time will you be by the house to get your things?
I found a small apartment close to the courthouse. I figured no matter where I end up working, the proximity to it would be nice.
Marley: I need to change. Then I’m heading over.
Cole: Can I make you dinner?
Marley: I’m not hungry. Besides, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
We’ve been going back and forth with him wanting to talk for most of the week. He could chase me the rest of his life, but he’s never going to catch me.
Cole: I promise I can make a better dessert.
He actually used one of those smiley emojis. The world has really turned upside down.
Marley: Maybe another time.
It’s a lie—a little white one. I want to get in and get out. It’s a house of memories that I’ve spent the last week sorting through, and I’m ready to let it go.
When he doesn’t respond, I hope that is the end of it.
The last thing I wanted to see when I opened the garage door was his car. When he’s in town, he’s rarely home before seven, and today is a rarity. The back of his silver Lexus makes an appearance in my sleep sometimes when I think back to that Sunday morning when the taxi dropped me at the end of the drive in my white dress after spending the weekend with River. He had to have known then.
Wanting to put this behind me, I suck up my feelings and head inside. I’ll walk in one more time. I’ll act normal and calm while I quickly throw the rest of my things together. Get in. Get out. That’s the plan.
The only light in the kitchen is the small fixture above the sink. I cautiously step inside hoping that maybe, by some stroke of luck, he’s out. My luck changes when I stride into the dining room and see him sitting at the candlelit table. My heart slowly slips down into my stomach. He isn’t going to make this easy. Cole Mason doesn’t make a lot of things easy.