“You’re scaring me,” he says softly. “Whatever it is … just tell me.”
“I need to show you.”
“Stop doing that,” he says, brushing his thumb against my lower lip.
“What?”
“Biting your lip.”
I comply, my eyes watering as I stare up at him. There’s so much I love about this man. He’s learning to love me, and I’m learning how to love again. Not one day goes by in which the past doesn’t sneak into my thoughts, but the beautiful part is when it does, it makes me even more grateful for what I have now. Without Cole, I’d have never met River. It took eleven years, but I don’t regret a second of it; I appreciate River more than I would have if things had been different.
“Then show me,” he whispers, eyebrows drawing together.
Carefully, I back out of his arms and pull the white plastic stick from the countertop. Taking a deep breath, I turn back around and hold it up for him to see.
His eyes widen. My stomach churns; this is going to be a rough nine months.
“You’re pregnant.” From his tone, it’s hard to tell if it’s a question or disbelief.
Feeling dizzy, I brace myself against the counter. “Yes.” It’s all I can muster.
“How did this happen?” he asks, still wide-eyed from shock.
My eyes well until tears threaten to fall down my cheeks. “I, umm—I think it was a few weeks ago. When we decided to stop using condoms. My pill probably wasn’t effective yet.”
River stands a few feet in front of me. Motionless. Speechless. He didn’t want children, but he had voiced a change when we decided to give this thing between us a chance. The moment I saw those two pink lines earlier, I hoped his words weren’t meant to just win me over. He was able to take my heart in his hands once by twisting parts of the truth. I spent almost two hours blankly staring at the walls earlier, hoping he didn’t bend the parts into something I’d want to hear yet again.
The doctor said something about using condoms for another two weeks, but River was eager after I started taking the pill again. I must have been just as eager, because it didn’t take any convincing at all.
“River,” I whisper, the first sign of the heart’s rain sliding down my cheek.
He takes a couple steps toward me. I notice the unshed tears in his eyes. “I can’t,” he chokes. “I just can’t.”
I shut my eyes tightly, letting my head fall forward. “Why?” I whisper. “I thought you said—”
His warm hands cup my face. His thumbs brush away my tears. “I can’t be a good dad right now, but I have some time to figure it out, right?”
Shock and a little bit of relief bring my eyes back up to his. “You’re not upset with me?”
“No, beautiful. I’m not upset with you. I didn’t fight to get you back just to turn around and let you slip away from me again.” He smiles and cries at the same time.
Two hearts rain down, creating the perfect storm. One of the reasons I love him most is his way of keeping me on my toes. No day with River is ever the same as the last.
“We’re going to be okay?” I ask, the weight of the stress I held the last couple hours falling from my shoulders.
“More than okay,” he responds, kissing me softly. “Look at how we started. Everything we went through to get to this point. I’d rather go through a million storms with you than have a chance to walk once in the sunshine without you.”
I smile. His words cushion my delicate heart. “Are you getting soft on me, Mr. Holtz?”
He grins; that crooked, sexy grin reminds me of the first time I met him. “You know what this means, don’t you?”
“No,” I answer as his hands slip under my T-shirt, splaying against my stomach.
“If you want to be a traditional girl and all, you’re going to have to become Mrs. Holtz. Can’t say I’m not excited about the prospect.”
My eyes widen. “You’re kidding. How much did you drink while you were at the club?”
He laughs. “No, beautiful. Before I met you, I didn’t have any dreams, but now, I do … to make you happy and to make all of your dreams come true.”
“I love you,” I say, feeling it from my head to the tips of my toes. I close my eyes tightly as his hand circles my belly button.
“Are you trying to change the subject?” His warm breath hits my lips.
I open my eyes to him, hoping he’ll kiss me. “Why do you say that?”
He gets down on one knee, brushing his lips against my stomach. “Will you marry me? You don’t have to answer me now, but will you at least think about it?”
My heart beats at the pace of lightning as I stare into his eyes. When I woke up this morning, it was just another day. I never thought it would end like this. I nod, placing my hand over my mouth as those damn tears start up again. “Yes.”
He kisses around my belly button again. It’s the sweetest freaking thing I’ve ever seen. When he’s done, he rests his chin against my stomach, arms hugging me tightly. “Stay right here. I’ll be right back,” he says as he stands.
I watch him walk out, a million different theories of what he’s doing right now running through my head. The man is as unpredictable as he is sexy. And he’s really sexy.
His right arm is tucked behind him as he walks back in. “Do you remember when we first met … when I told you that when I want something, I get it?” He pauses, brushing his thumb against my cheek. “I’ve wanted you for a while, and when you decided to give me a second chance, I bought something.” He shows his right hand and the tiny little box that rests in his palm.
My hand covers my mouth. “Holy shit, you have a ring already?”
He smiles sheepishly. “I bought it the day I knew I’d never let you go.”
“What? When?”
“The morning after you told me you loved me. I don’t want you to ever love another man, and I can’t imagine loving anyone else.” He gets down on his knee, this time opening the little black box. “I should probably do this the right way. Will you marry me?”
I nod my head, whispering “yes” as tears slip down my cheeks. A large round diamond sparkles under the light. My eyes glance between it and the proud look on his face as he pulls it from the cushion. He grabs my left hand, carefully slipping it on my ring finger. He has this way of making me melt; right now, I’m a puddle at his feet.
“That looks real good on you.”
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I admit, placing my hands on his shoulders. All I wanted for a long time was to be a mother, but Cole wasn’t the right guy. It was meant to happen with River; I really believe that.
“It’s happening. I’m going to marry you because I’ve never felt as passionate about something or someone as I do you, Marley. We’ll spend a few months just being us, then we’re going to have a baby, and if we’re really lucky, we’ll have another. All I want is to be with you and live our lives together.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
“More than okay.”
“I love you, River.”
“I fucking love you, too, beautiful.”
For more on CASA, visit http://www.casaforchildren.org.
BREAK EVEN IS THE NINTH BOOK I’ve completed. It hasn’t always been easy as I tend to live with my characters’ emotions and disappear into their world. Through it all, my husband has always been there for me. He’ll never grasp how much of a contributor he is even if he’s not putting a single word to paper.
And to my kids … I love you so much. My ten year-old recently had to bring a sack to school with his five favorite things. One was a book, of course, and he couldn’t stop talking about how his mom writes. (Thank God he didn’t bring one of my books!) My three tender hearts often help package books, etc. I’m so proud of them.
To Jessica, thank you for being as excited about this book as I was, for pushing me when I was stuck, and for just being an overall great friend. I believe that one’s value is determined by what they give others, an
d you’ve given me so much.
I also want to thank Melissa for being there for me whether I want to talk about a book idea or a pointless subject to relieve stress. I’m so glad we met in Boston all those years ago; you’re the best assistant I could have asked for.
Great betas make books better, and I think I have the best. Thank you so much Laura, Jennifer, Allison, Lisa, Elizabeth, Jessica and Michelle. It may scare the crap out of me every time I send a book off to you all, but it’s worth it.
Madison, thank you for pushing me to make this one even better than what it was. Jill Marsal, thank you for everything you do. I always want to make you proud. I can’t forget Lisa from Rockstars of Romance for her PR help, and Kassi Snider for the always beautiful formatting. I don’t know if people realize how many hands touch a book before it goes to print, but I always trust that I given it to the best.
When I was plotting this book, I had a vision for the cover. My beautiful sister, Jennifer, agreed to be my model. Joann from My Mojo Photography captured just the right shot, and Regina Wamba from Mae I Design made it come to life. It’s without a doubt my favorite cover to date.
And lastly, I’d like to thank my readers. It seems crazy that I published my first book almost four years ago, and so many of you have stuck by me. I appreciate your loyalty and support.
Lisa De Jong, Break Even
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