CHAPTER XIII
MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES
Mrs. Lathrop never went to church. She had relinquished church when shehad given up all other social joys that called for motive power beyondthe limits of her own fence.
Elijah rarely ever went to church. The getting the paper out Friday forSaturday delivery wore on him so that he nearly always slept until noonon Sunday.
So Susan went alone week after week, just as she had been going alonefor years and years and years. She always wore a black dress to church,her mother's cashmere shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape which had nostrings and fitted closely around her head. She always took about anhour and a half to get home from church, although it was barely tenminutes' walk, and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's gate instead of herown when she did get home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the minute whento expect her and was invariably seated ready and waiting.
One late May day when Susan returned from church she followed her usualcourse of Sunday observances by going straight to her neighbor's andsitting down hard on one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but shediffered from her usual course by her expression, which--usually blandand fairly contented with the world in general--was this morning mostbitterly set and firmly assured in displeasure.
"Well," said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat alarmed but attempting to speakpleasantly, "was--"
"No," said Susan, "I should say not." Then she unpinned her hat and ranthe pin through the crown with a vicious directness that bore out herwords to the full.
"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled, "why--"
"Well, I can't help it if you are," said Miss Clegg, "you don't have togo Sunday after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you did, an' if you hadwhat you ain't got an' that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd berammin' around with a hat-pin yourself an' understand my feelin's when Isay as there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't been over fully asoften as the minister nor a place where he can open it that I can't telljust what he'll say about it afore he's done settlin' his tie an'clearin' his throat. I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an'throat-clearin' business I don't know what to do an' then to-day it wasthe Sermon on the Mount an' he said as he had a new thought to developout of the mount for us an' the new thought was as life was a mount withus all climbin' up it an' sure to come out on top with the Sermon if ourlegs held out. It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's got hold of asputs me so out of all patience I don't know what to do; if they wasreally new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but they're as old as the hillsan' I feel like I was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on whenever Ihear him beginnin' with a fresh old one. The other day I met him down inthe square an' he stopped me short an' told me to my face as the worldwas gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star as he see the nightafore had given him one as he was intendin' to work up for Christmas.Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think that particular new thought was?What _do_ you think? It was as God was back o' the stars! My lands, Ifelt like givin' him a punch with my parasol an' I'd of done it too onlyI'd left my parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with me but a basket o'currants. I told him though as the idea o' God an' the stars bein'anyways new was surely _most_ new to me, an' then I went on to say asRachel Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick berries for me Monday an'seein' as Tuesday was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I could only hopeas some other new thought had n't run off with her, too.
"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't get much fun out o' church anyway,for I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time I'm there thinkin' what Icould be doin' at home if I _was_ at home, an' wonderin' whether Elijahis in bed or whether he's up an' about. I don't know a more awfulfeelin' than the feelin' that you're chained helpless in a church whilethe man in your house is up an' about your house. Men were n't meant tobe about houses an' I always liked father because he never was about,but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition an' he inquires more Sundaysthan any other time. The idea as he's wanderin' around just carelesslylookin' into everythin' as ain't locked upsets me for listenin' to theminister anyway, but lately my patience has been up on its hind legs inchurch clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever, for it seems as if the ministergets tamer an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on, an' betweennot likin' to hear him an' bein' half mad to get back to Elijah I'mbeginnin' to wish as God in His infinite mercy had let me be somethin'besides a Christian. I don't know what I'd be if I was n't a Christian,but my own view o' this idea o' free-trade in religion as is takin' somany folks nowadays is as it all comes from most anybody with commonsense jus' naturally knowin' more than any minister as always has hishouse an' his potatoes for nothin' ever can possibly get a chance tolearn; an' when folks realize as they know more than the minister theyain't apt to like to waste the time as they might be learnin' more yet,sittin' an' listenin' to him tag along behind what they know already. Aminister is kind o' like a horse in blinders or a cow as wears a yoke tokeep her from jumpin', anyway--he feels as he can't launch out even ifhe wants to an' so he never does, but my idea would be to give 'em alittle rope an' let 'em be a little more interestin'. Here's two hoursa week as we sit still an' might be learnin' things much more usefulthan as Job was patient an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an' Josephanyhow. I've heard about 'em both ever since I was old enough to knowabout either, an' long afore I was old enough to know about Joseph. Iwas talkin' about this at the sewin' society yesterday an' they allagreed with me. Mrs. Macy said as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin'to go to sleep in church for the last five years, an' she was beginnin'to have it so strong as she did n't care who knowed it.
"Was the minister's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with vivid curiosity.
"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a moth ball was a lemon drop an'dealt with it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by the bein' up allnight to even so much as overcast a plain seam; but the rest was therean' we all aired ourselves inside out, I can assure you, an' was more 'nglad as she was n't there, so we could do it, too.
"The general talk was as the minister 'd do well to quit talkin' aboutHeaven for a while an' come down to earth. We all know about Heaven,'cause if you don't all you have to do is to tip back your head an'there it is day an' night for you to look at as long as your neck don'tache, but what we don't know about is a lot of what's right around us.Mrs. Macy says as her view would be to take the Bible for the motto an'then apply it right to us here to-day, an' tell us how to understandwhat's goin' on in the world by its light. She says David an' Goliathcould of been Japan an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling shot, an'we all felt to agree as _there_ was a idea as _no_ minister ought tomind ownin', for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she never would ofgive Mrs. Macy credit for thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that. Everyone was interested right off an' you ought to of been there to see howthe idea took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd _always_ wanted to knowwhat a soft-nosed bullet looked like an' how their other features felt,an' a sermon like that could n't but give us all a new understandin' ofa war. Then they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an' Mrs. Sweet saidas Jezabel bein' throwed to the dogs could apply to that new rule in thecity as makes you have to go around with your dog's nose in a latticean' yourself tied to the dog; she said when she went up there the otherday she felt like nothin' but a fool out with her brother an' him bein'jerked here an' there a'cordin' as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' thedog's lattice half the time over one of his two ears so he looked moredrunk than sober all day. Of course we ain't got no such rules aboutdogs' noses here, but no one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it showedshe took an interest; Mrs. Brown said when she was done as she shouldthink as the sun standin' still on Absalom three days could be worked upinto havin' our streets lit all night, for she says when young Dr. Brownis out late, Amelia's so awful nervous she has to sit by her an' holdher hand, an' young Dr. Brown always says it takes him a good hourlonger than it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o' bein' so afraid o'runnin' into trees in the dark."
"They say--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
"Yes, but you could n't make
his mother believe it," said Susan; "shethinks he eats peppermint comin' home nights just because he likes toeat peppermint comin' home nights. Mothers is all like that. You knowyourself how you was with Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk, abouthow all sons was n't prodigals, some bein' obliged by fate to be thecalf instead. I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I think of this newidea the more took I am with it. The Bible would be most like a new bookif we took it that way an' Sunday would be a day to look forward to allthe week long, just to see what the minister was goin' to say about whatnext. The sewin' society was all in favor of the idea an' now if thesquare only takes it up with a real mother's heart I don't see why weshould n't get some profit out o' keepin' a minister yet. My notion isas the minister might just as well learn to be a lesson to us as to beso dead satisfied with only bein' a trial to us. We've got trialsenough, Lord knows, an' just now what with the weather an' the cleanin'house no one wants to go to church to hear about things as they all knowanyhow."
"I wonder--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
"No, I would n't look for that," said Susan; "every one has their limitsan' I would n't expect no man to jump over his own outside. I should n'tever look for the minister to be really equal to workin' up somethin'real spicy as would fill the house out o' Uriah the Hittite or Abigailhangin' upside down to the tree, but I can't well see why he could n'tteach us whether well water's healthy or not by quotin' from Rebecca,an' when the time comes he could surely get a real nice Thanksgivin'text out o' John the Baptist's head on the platter."
"Well--" said Mrs. Lathrop, slowly.
"I'm goin' home to Elijah now," said Susan, "an' I shall talk the matterup with him. Elijah's awful funny, Mrs. Lathrop. However much he roamsaround while I'm in church he always hops back in bed an' manages to besound asleep when it's time for me to come home. An' I will say this forhim, an' that is as with all his pryin' an' meddlin' he's clever enoughto get things back so I can never see no traces of what he's been at. IfI was n't no sharper than most others, I'd think as he never had stirredout of bed while I was gone--but I am sharper than others an' it'll takea sharper young man than Elijah to make me suppose as all is gold thatglitters or that a man left all alone in a house don't take that time tofind out what he's alone in the midst of."