I go to stand next to her, running a finger under one eye, then the other. This is what I get for using cheap eyeliner. “You went missing, Em. My mom accused me of lying to her because she thought we were together. Like I was hiding you in my closet so your parents wouldn’t find you.”
“Oh.” She shuts off the faucet and shakes her hands, little water droplets landing in the sink. “Sorry.”
“That’s all you can say?” I’m incredulous—and pissed. “Dustin and I went looking for you everywhere on Saturday. I texted you about a million times, left you voicemails. We searched all over town for you!”
“And I received every one of those million texts and voicemails.” The bored look she sends my way irritates me even further. It’s amazing how a simple look makes me want to punch her in the face. “Listen, I was going through some shit and I stayed away from home for a little while. My parents made it out into this big thing, when it totally wasn’t. I was at a—friend’s house. It was no big deal. I didn’t mean for you or Dustin to get involved.”
Her explanation means nothing to me. “You’re not going to tell me what happened?”
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Ryan?” She raises a brow.
I look away, taking a deep breath. I don’t want to talk to her about Ryan.
“That’s what I thought,” she says smugly when I don’t answer. “See ya around.”
“Wait a second.” I grab her arm before she can make her escape. I know the first bell is going to ring any minute. We’re probably going to be late to class, but for once I don’t give a shit. “Are you okay, Em? Really? You know you can still talk to me, if you ever need a friend.”
“Please,” she scoffs. Literally scoffs. “What, are you going to be my guidance counselor now?” She jerks her arm out of my grip and shifts away from me. “Like you’d understand my problems when you have none.”
“Seriously? I have problems. You know I do. My parents are divorced, my mom focuses all of her attention on me so I can’t catch a break, and we’re pretty much broke while you have it made.”
“Give me a break.” She looks away, like she can’t bear to look at me. “You think I’m a total joke while you’re untouchable.”
I gape at her, icy cold shock coursing through my veins. “What are you talking about? I don’t think I’m better than you.”
Em faces me once more. “You get everything you ever want. Your life is perfect.”
Laughter escapes me, though it’s not the humorous kind. “Are you serious? My life is far from perfect.”
“Really? Let’s recount everything you have. You’re beautiful. You’re smart. Dustin’s madly in love with you, yet you chose Ryan over him. And somehow you worked your magic and now Ryan’s totally into you too.” Em counts off each item with her fingers, waggling them at me. “You two make a perfect couple.” Her voice oozes with sarcasm.
“Dustin’s not madly in love with me,” I say, though it sounds like a lie the moment the words pass my lips. The way Em’s looking at me, she knows it’s a lie too. We both know how Dustin feels about me. She knew, yet she messed around with him anyway, and that freaking hurts. Though I’m not bringing that up anymore. It’s fucked up our friendships enough.
“Dustin is totally in love with you. He always has been. He’s so blinded by his feelings for you he can’t see anyone else. Not even me,” she adds morosely.
I’m shocked, yet not. I had a feeling she had a thing for Dustin. The three of us sometimes felt too close. Like I was involved in a relationship with both Dustin and Em and I wasn’t sure whose role was what. It was suffocating.
I had to get out. Break free from the both of them. I just didn’t mean for it to disintegrate so completely.
“Maybe you two…” My voice drifts. I can barely get the words out. I don’t want her to be with Dustin. I don’t want him, but I don’t want her to have him either.
Yes, I’m a total bitch, but I can’t help it.
“No.” She smiles just as the bell rings, though she looks sad. Her eyes are glassy and her expression is pained. “He’s not interested, despite the fact that we actually had sex. He’s made that clear.”
Her words make me flinch like she actually slapped me. It hurts all over again, hearing her say they had sex.
Em starts to leave the bathroom and I call her name, stopping her. “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “For…everything.” The most blanket apology I can give her, though I’m not really sure what exactly I’m sorry for. Or why I’m apologizing in the first place.
“No you’re not,” she says with a slight shake of her head. “Not really. But that’s okay, because I forgive you.” She flashes me her trademark smile, a real one this time, and I catch a glimmer of my wild best friend. “You should come over after school. We can work on our tans.”
Our tans. She’s funny. I don’t really tan. She knows this. “Maybe I will.”
“You can bring your boyfriend. Ryan and I can reminisce.” She laughs and pushes open the door, exiting out into the hallway crush before I can answer her. “See ya, Livvy!”
I remain in the bathroom for a minute longer, letting the anger wash over me, through me. I can’t believe she said that.
I probably deserved it.
“I’m having a party,” Ryan murmurs in my ear just before he nibbles it. “This Saturday. For my birthday.”
I shove at his shoulders, pushing him away so I can look at him. It’s Tuesday night, almost ten, which is my stupid curfew during school nights, and we’ve been kissing in his car in my driveway for the past twenty minutes. His hair is mussed from my fingers, his lips swollen, and he looks hotter than ever. “It’s your birthday this weekend?”
“Well, it’s a week from today, but I’m celebrating this weekend. Eighteen, baby.” He grins, leaning in for another kiss, but I push him away again, shoving at his chest. He frowns. “What gives? You have to be in your house in like five minutes. We gotta make the most of this.”
Less than five minutes, more like three, but I don’t correct him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I did tell you.” When I don’t say anything, he continues. “When I first met you at Em’s house. You kept asking me all of these questions and that was one of them. My birthday is the twenty-sixth.”
“Oh.” How could I freaking forget? We’ve been going out for three weeks already. I’m officially the worst girlfriend ever. “So you’re having a big birthday bash?”
“Yeah, my parents are going out of town this weekend for some business thing for my dad. I’m in charge of Eli. I told him if he breathes a word of this party to Mom and Dad, I’m going to slit his fucking throat.”
I flinch at his choice of words. By the murderous glimmer in his eyes, I half believe he’d do it. “Who are you inviting?”
“Everyone. We have an away game this Friday, which sucks.” He doesn’t like away games. They always seem to lose those, but they’ve played well at home lately, winning their last two games, which is a huge deal at school. “Wanna help me decorate on Saturday?”
“What, like party decorations?” I wrinkle my nose. “Are you serious?”
“Well, yeah.” He hauls me back into his arms, kissing me stupid, leaving me dizzy. “I need balloons and streamers. The housekeeper cleans on Thursday afternoons so the house should look good. But that also means we have to be careful. We can’t trash it.”
“If you invite everyone, then the house will get trashed. I guarantee it.” The football players are the cliché bulls trapped in a china shop, smashing and breaking everything even when they don’t mean to.
Ryan starts kissing my neck, his mouth wet and hot on my skin, making me shiver. “You’ll help me clean then.”
Like I really want to be part of his cleaning crew. But for my boyfriend, I’d do just about anything. “Maybe,” I tease.
“Maybe? Aw, come on.” He kisses me hungrily, his tongue doing a thorough search of my mouth as his hand lands on my
boob, his thumb rubbing back and forth.
I break the kiss immediately, slapping his hand away. “Stop, Ryan. What if my mom catches us?” Mom catching Ryan feeling me up in his car sitting in the driveway isn’t how I want to end the night.
“Give me a break, like she doesn’t know what we’re doing out here. Besides, she’s too busy getting busy with her boyfriend,” he says, laughing when he catches my disgusted expression.
Ew. That is the last thing I want to think about.
“I have to go.” I grab my purse and lean in to give him a brief kiss that somehow turns into another tongue-tangling session. I finally pull away, breathless, my head spinning and Ryan grinning like he knows exactly what he does to me. “See you in the morning?”
“You’ll have to get a ride from Amanda,” he says, tapping the tip of my nose. “I have morning practice.”
“Okay.” I climb out of his car, leaning over to peer inside to look at him one last time before I close the door. “Miss you.”
“Send me a tit pic,” he says, grinning as he starts the car.
I roll my eyes. He always wants tit pics. He’s such a perv. I’ve sent him a few, but they always make me nervous after I send them. That one-second option on Snapchat is a dream come true. I just have to hope Ryan doesn’t screenshot them. “No way. Maybe I’ll show them to you in person for your birthday.”
“I’ve already seen them in person. You know what I want. I think it would make a great birthday present too.” I slam the door shut, cutting off his words. He waves at me and backs out of the driveway, pulling out onto the road and turning toward the direction of his house.
I stand and watch until the lights of his car disappear before I walk into my house. I can’t stop turning over his words again and again. I know what he wants, what he thinks will be the perfect birthday present.
My virginity.
I’ve held tight to it for the last three weeks, since we’ve been officially together. We’ve done everything but have sex. We make out until I can’t see straight and my mouth is sore. He’s fingered me to orgasm multiple times. Gone down on me once—but I wasn’t that comfortable with it, so I made him stop. I’ve given him endless hand jobs and blowjobs, but we haven’t done the actual deed. I just…can’t. Not yet. And our last encounter, when it didn’t end the way he wanted, Ryan got frustrated.
And even a little pissed.
“So you’ll put my dick in your mouth but you won’t let me stick it in your pussy?” he’d yelled as he paced around his room, wearing only a pair of athletic shorts and pitching a mighty big tent in the front of them.
I hadn’t known how to answer his question without getting mad, so I took a deep breath. Then another. Then I’d told him I wasn’t ready and he stopped protesting after that.
Of course he did. I gave him a blowjob and all was right in the world.
But I’m not bitter about the blowjobs, I swear. I sort of get off giving them to him. He loves them so much and I like having that tiny bit of power over him. The knowledge that I’m the one who makes him lose control like that is pretty heady stuff. So I keep doing it, all while my virginity remains intact.
Why I’m holding on to my virginity, I don’t know. I guess I’m scared that once we actually do have sex, he’ll…dump me. Which is crazy, I know it is, but I can’t help feeling that way. There are so many other girls at school who would love to snatch Ryan away from me.
The possibility of losing him terrifies me. My entire life has changed since we got together. My social status has grown. I feel confident. Even...popular. I shouldn’t care about that stuff, but I can’t help it.
I do.
Hanging out with Amanda has helped me too. We’ve grown super close. She’s fun—a real friend who always has my back. And I have hers as well. I’m glad we have each other.
Makes me feel like I’m more than just a girl who’s become someone because of her boyfriend. I need that.
Desperately.
Entering the house, I bypass the living room, which is dark save for the flickering light of the TV, and go straight for the kitchen. I know Mom and Fitch are watching a movie or one of their favorite shows and I don’t feel like talking to them. Besides, I’m pretty sure I have made out and rubbed against each other written all over me. I swear I can still smell Ryan’s cologne and soap clinging to my skin.
I open the fridge and bend over to grab a bottled water from the very back before I shut the door and stand up straight. A little shriek escapes when I see who’s standing in front of me.
“There you are.” Mom smiles pleasantly, but it’s false. It’s what I call her phony I’ve caught you smile. “Where have you been?”
I twist off the bottle cap and take a drink. “With Ryan,” I say after I swallow.
“Uh-huh.” She crosses her arms in front of her, leaning against the kitchen counter. She looks weary and old and tired of my bullshit. I’ve seen this look before, too many times. “I don’t know how I feel about you spending so much time with that boy.”
“Too late, Mom. I’m spending time with him. Dating him. I really like Ryan and you can’t stop me from seeing him,” I snap, hating how she tries to control my every little move. I’m practically an adult. I can’t freaking wait to get out of this house so I can be on my own.
“I can stop you, especially when you don’t abide by my rules. This is my house and what I say, goes.” She steps closer and points a finger in my face. I’m tempted to slap it away. “If you’re late again, I’ll ground you. I’ll ban you from seeing him.”
“Give me a break. I’m only a few minutes late, Mom.”
“I don’t care. I don’t like that boy. I think he’s a bad influence.”
I actually laugh. “Please.”
“Don’t tempt me, Olivia. If I want to ban you from seeing him, I can make it happen,” Mom threatens.
“You wouldn’t dare,” I breathe, my eyes going wide.
But her expression doesn’t even flinch. Neither does her finger, which is still in my face. “Watch me,” she says, her voice low before she drops her hand, turns on her heel and bails out of the kitchen.
I go to sit on one of the barstools that line our counter, my legs shaky, my mind spinning. Mom and I don’t really fight. We bicker on occasion, especially about my friends and boys and my stupid curfew and bad grades, but I never thought she’d use keeping me away from Ryan as a threat. I’m sort of blown away.
I don’t know how long I sit there at the counter, recounting every word Mom said. I can’t believe she’d threaten me. I almost want to tell her to fuck off, but I’m scared she will take Ryan away from me.
And I can’t let that happen.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Fitch’s soft voice makes me lift my head, my gaze meeting his. His eyes are kind, his smile encouraging as he settles into the stool next to mine. “You all right?”
“I’m fine.” I smile in return, shrugging. “Thanks for asking.”
Fitch I don’t get. I’m not quite sure how to approach him yet. He seems like he’s on my side most of the time, but he could also turn on me quick and I wouldn’t be the wiser. Mom listens to everything he says. She told me recently that she values his opinion.
While mine is total shit. That’s not what she said exactly, but it was implied.
“You and your mom arguing again?” His eyes crinkle at the corners as his smile grows. “She means well. She just doesn’t want to see you toss away your opportunities.”
“What opportunities? I have none to throw away.”
“Your college education for one. You’re going to apply to a lot of colleges soon, right? Isn’t the plan for you to get a scholarship to a good school? She doesn’t want you to throw it away, all for a boy.”
“I would never do that. I’m not stupid,” I mutter, glancing down at the counter again. “Does everyone have such little faith in me or what?”
“Not me.” When I look up, I find he’s grinning at me. Like, full on grin
ning, as if it’s the happiest day on earth. “You’re smart and beautiful and you’ve got the world by its tail. Don’t ever let it go, baby.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Did you really just call me baby?”
“Figure of speech.” The smile fades and he waves a nonchalant hand, as if he calls every female he talks to baby. “I’m just trying to say don’t give up on your dreams. Or else you’ll be stuck in some shitty house, married to some shitty guy and taking care of his shitty kids while you’re barely making it and stretching out that pittance of a paycheck you earn, so you can pay the mortgage,” he says, his gaze getting that far-away look that happens with Fitch sometimes.
What he just described, it sounds…fucking awful.
I wonder if he’s talking about himself, about his life. Mom mentioned a while ago he’s divorced, and that he has a couple of kids he has partial custody of, but I don’t know the particulars.
“And if I sound like a bitter old man, maybe I am,” Fitch continues. “But at least I’m with a woman I care about now, instead of that hateful bitch I was married to.” He practically spits out the words “hateful bitch.” She sounds lovely.
“I have zero plans on getting married, especially after high school or college or whatever.” I seriously don’t want to talk about my future plans with Fitch. I don’t know if he’ll still be around when I graduate in June.
“Life never happens like you believe it will. You think you have it all together, that you’ll never deviate from your plan, but it’ll happen. Forces beyond your control will come along and bam, everything changes,” he says with a little shrug. “Sometimes it’ll be a good change, sometimes it’s a bad one. You just gotta roll with the punches.”
He leans in closer and punches me lightly on the shoulder, as if emphasizing his point. I stare into his eyes, smell the beer on his breath, and I recoil from him a little, hoping he doesn’t notice.
Shit. The sneer curling his lips indicates he does.
“Think you’re better than me, don’t you?” His voice is quiet. Chilling. “Think you can tell your mom that I’m no good for her and she’ll dump me? Well, she won’t. She’s in love with me and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”