“Oh, but I’m sure you have your ways. All of your friends live in the neighborhood,” Mom points out as she goes to the mirror that hangs near the front door. I sneak a glance at her, watching as she applies copper-colored lipstick. I hate the shade but no way am I telling her that. “You’ll probably sneak out and go to Em’s the minute I leave.”
“No way,” I say emphatically. “We’re on the outs.”
So on the outs I’m unsure if we’ll ever get back in.
“What about Dustin?”
“He hates me.” That’s an exaggeration, but I’m still mad at him. Plus, I can’t call up my old best friend, my former hookup, the day after I have sex for the first time with the guy he got in a fight with.
That’s all kinds of messed up.
Mom turns to face me, clutching the lipstick in her fist. “Fitch told me I should trust you. That you wouldn’t dare do something to make me mad this soon.”
“He’s right.” I don’t understand Fitch or his motives. I’m still puzzled by his sneaking into my room—and letting me know he snooped around by leaving that note. That he stole my weed isn’t even the point.
He pawed through my things. Who knows what else he found? Looked at? I have old diaries in my desk. What if he read them? So embarrassing. And he went through my underwear, which is just…gross.
I think I might do laundry tonight. Wash everything he might’ve touched.
Mom blows out a harsh breath, her gaze meeting mine. “Fine. I’ll leave you here. But I’ll be back by ten. I need to go to bed early.”
“Great,” I say weakly, calculating how much time I might have to see someone—Ryan—before Mom comes home.
“Be good.” She points a finger at me. “Don’t step foot out of this house.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
The minute she’s gone I run to my room and grab my laptop, bringing it out to the couch with me. I open up iMessage and immediately send a text to Ryan.
OMG I miss you! My mom is such a tyrant.
I wait for him to reply, chewing on my lip. He takes way too long. What if he’s with someone else? All I can think about, focus on, is Ryan, but he’s still free. He can do whatever he wants, with whoever he wants.
That terrifies me.
The familiar ding sounds, pushing me out of my head.
Hey babe. Can you come over?
I wish.
No. I’m grounded for one week. :(
You’re going to miss my birthday dinner?
My heart cracks. I feel so bad.
Sorry. Maybe I can convince my mom to let me go?
You should try. I really want you there.
I will. I promise.
I hesitate, then decide to go for it.
Can’t stop thinking about last night.
His reply is immediate.
Best birthday present I ever got. :)
I smile in return. He’s so sweet. I hate that I’m grounded, but last night was definitely worth getting in trouble for.
What are you doing right now?
Hanging out with Eli. It sucks. I should come over. Reenact last night.
You can’t. My mom will kill me.
What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
We can’t take the chance. I don’t want to get in more trouble.
Or give Mom more reason to hate Ryan.
See you at school tomorrow then? :)
Yeah. Miss you.
Miss you too babe. xoxo
Aw, he sent me kisses and hugs. I love it.
What I don’t love is knowing Em sent those photos to my mom. How messed up is that? Why would she sabotage me? Does she hate me that much?
I’m starting to think she seriously hates my guts.
A knock sounds, startling me. For a moment I wonder if it could be Em. Or maybe even Ryan. Standing, I quietly walk over to the front door and look through the peephole, then open the door.
“Amanda!” I grab her hand and pull her inside, slamming and locking the door behind her. “What are you doing here?”
“Thanks for the enthusiastic greeting.” She smiles at me and goes to the couch, her gaze zeroing in on the TV. “Oh, I’ve seen this movie before! It’s a juicy one.”
“Almost as juicy as our lives,” I tell her as I sit next to her on the couch. It feels like I haven’t seen her in forever, even though it’s only been a few hours. “What’s going on? Why are you here? Didn’t you get in trouble with your parents?”
“For some reason, they totally believed the story I gave them. I said we were too drunk and I didn’t want to drive so we stayed the night at Ryan’s house.” Amanda’s expression is solemn. “It was the right thing to do.”
Her good girl act is perfection. “Wow, our stories were pretty similar.” I’m impressed. “I tried that and my mom was still pissed.”
“Yeah well, you’re her only child. My parents have already been through this sort of thing with my brother. I look like a saint compared to him. I think they’re just relieved I made it home and didn’t land in jail.” She sends me a look. “How bad is your punishment? I figured your mom took away your phone since you never replied to my texts.”
“She took it away, but I have iMessage on this.” I tap the laptop that’s sitting on the couch. “I never got your messages though. Sometimes it glitches.”
Amanda shrugs. “It’s no big deal. I was just checking on you.”
I fill Amanda in on everything that happened, including how Fitch stole the joints.
“You had joints in your underwear drawer?” Amanda asks incredulously.
“That’s not the point.” I shake my head. “He went through my panties. He actually touched them.” I shivered.
“That’s freaky.” Amanda makes a face.
“He’s freaky!”
Yeah. No denying that. I don’t know what to do about him.
Then I tell her about my text conversation with Ryan.
“Do you think he’ll wait for me while I’m grounded for a week?” I ask her, nibbling on my thumbnail. The boy has turned me into a self-conscious idiot, I swear.
Amanda sends me a look. “He’ll live. It’s only seven days. Plus you’ll see each other at school. If he ditches you for someone else, then he’s a total douche and you’re better off without him.”
I almost want to tell her to stop insulting my boyfriend but I keep my mouth shut. “I just hate that she grounded me. I don’t worry so much about Ryan. I worry more about the bitches who’ll try to steal Ryan from me.”
“If he’s truly into you, he won’t notice those other girls. I promise.” She smiles, leaning over to slap the top of my thigh. She hits me so hard it stings. “That’s for smacking me yesterday.”
“Ouch.” I rub my leg, glaring at her before we start laughing. It’s time for me to ask the real question. “So. What’s going on with you and Tuttle?”
Her laughter dies, and she gets that dreamy look in her eyes. The one I recognize from before when she thought about Jordan Tuttle. “I think he really likes me.”
“Well, duh,” I start but she shakes her head.
“No, I mean he seriously likes me. At first, I was just a game for him, but now I think he’s sincere. He said he’s liked me for a long time. That we could make this work if I would just give him a chance.” Her voice is soft, her eyes a little glazed over.
“So did you give him a chance by getting naked with him last night?” I ask innocently.
She grabs a throw pillow and smacks me on the head with it. “Of course not! I’m not that easy. It’s not like he’s my boyfriend.”
“You two have been dancing around each other for a while. I would never hold it against you if you let him slip it in.” I can barely hold back my laughter at the horrified expression on her face. “But remember, just the tip.”
“Stop.” Her cheeks are bright red. Poor girl. “You’re being so incredibly gross.” A giggle slips past her lips, and I’m guessing she doesn’t think it??
?s so gross, getting naked with Tuttle.
“Sorry.” I’m not that sorry though. I love giving Amanda a hard time. She makes it so easy. Besides, anything to cheer me up, you know? “I’m excited for you two.”
One of her trademark dazzling smiles appears on her face. “I’m excited too. I just hope he means it.”
I frown. “Why wouldn’t he?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. He’s Jordan Tuttle and I’m…me. We’re from totally different worlds. I still don’t really get why he wants to be with me.”
“Because he likes you.” I reach over and touch her knee, giving it a squeeze. “You’re sweet, cute, smart and fun. Why wouldn’t he want to be with you?”
Amanda smiles in return. “Thanks, friend. I guess…he just makes me nervous.”
“He makes everyone nervous.” I squeeze her knee one more time before I let go. “I hate to be a jerk but you should go. I only pulled you into my house because I was afraid Mom has neighborhood spies.”
“If she does, you look bad because you pulled me into the house.” Amanda stands. “But I get it. I should go anyway. I told my parents I was going for a bike ride. They probably expect me home soon.”
I have Amanda go out the backdoor because I’m paranoid. Even though her bike is leaning against the front of the house and anyone who passes by could see it. Whatever. If Mom somehow found out, I’d tell her Amanda came by to check on me, which is the truth.
Better to tell the truth than a lie, right?
I go back inside and settle on the couch, picking up my laptop. I should prep for the SAT test coming up next weekend but that sounds boring as hell. My score was decent last year, though I should take it again and try to bring it up. Or I could finish watching the cheesy movie even if it is pretty awful.
Instead, I bring up Ryan’s Instagram feed on the laptop.
Boring. The boy hardly ever posts, like most boys.
Next I check out Dustin’s. He hasn’t posted since the end of summer. Sheesh.
I look at Amanda’s, which is mostly full of photos of kids from band since she hasn’t posted much lately. There are a few cute photos of her with that ex-boyfriend of hers, Thad. He’s not a bad looking dude. I can’t believe he cheated on her.
Jerk.
Bracing myself, knowing this was the feed I wanted to check when I started this search, I go to Em’s next.
And it feels like my jaw hits the floor.
There they are. The photo is in black and white. I can’t tell when it was taken. She posted it twenty minutes ago. It could’ve happened twenty minutes ago for all I know.
It’s a selfie. Em is sitting on—Ryan’s lap. He’s laughing, his eyes practically closed, his hands spread wide across her bare midriff as he clutches her close. Tuttle is next to them, his arm slung around a girl’s shoulders, half of his face buried in the crook of her neck.
I recognize the girl. She was in the kitchen, when Amanda and I went to Tuttle’s party for the first time together. The girl who said she gave him a blowjob yet he couldn’t remember her name.
Oh. My. God.
I read the caption below the photo and it reminds me of the first time I saw Ryan in Em’s Instagram feed.
Bored with love. Need more lust. Wallow in hate. #justfriends #relationships #lies #heartbreak #bullshit #TuttleSucks #SoDoesRyan #SoDoIAllNightLong
The words blur from my tears. My stomach is in knots. Not only is Ryan a total douche, so is Tuttle. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The minute we’re not around, they’re finding our replacements.
Pushing the laptop away, I run into the bathroom.
And promptly puke my guts out.
I’m lying in bed with my ear buds in, listening to depressing music through my laptop. I never ate dinner. Mom came home around nine-thirty and asked me a bunch of questions I gave monotone answers to. When she asked me what was wrong I said I was feeling sick. She muttered I was probably hung over but mostly let it go and left me alone.
Whatever.
My bedside lamp is still on, casting the room in a weird glow. I should go to bed for real but I know I won’t be able to sleep. All I can think about is Ryan with Em. I screenshot that stupid photo just in case she deleted it from her feed and now I have it forever so I can look at it whenever I want.
I don’t think I can possibly stomach looking at that photo again.
Tearing the ear buds out, I toss them on my bedside table, then close my laptop and lean it against the wall near my bed. I miss my phone. I miss my friends. I miss Ryan.
Stupid, disloyal, can’t-keep-his-dick-in-his-pants Ryan.
A little ping sounds against my window and I go still. Then it happens again. And again. I quietly crawl out of bed and make my way to the window, peeling back the blinds to see a familiar lone figure standing out in my yard, throwing tiny pebbles at my window.
Dustin.
I tug the blinds up before I open the window and wave him closer. “What are you doing here?”
He stops in front of my window, concern written all over his face. “I wanted to check on you.”
We got rid of the window screen a long time ago, after he or Em tore it from sneaking in and out of my room. We used to do that sort of thing all the time when we were younger, when life was simpler.
Now it’s just a screwed up mess.
“Can I come in?” he asks when I don’t say anything and I nod in answer, taking a step back so he can crawl through my window. Once he’s in my room, it’s like his presence fills the entire space. I can smell him. Reach out and touch him. I’m tempted. So tempted.
But that would be me taking my revenge out on Ryan by using Dustin. And that’s not fair to either of them.
“Why are you checking on me anyway?” I ask as I go sit down on the edge of my bed.
He sits down next to me, though keeping a respectable distance. “I heard what Em did to you.”
“How?” I ask incredulously.
“She sent the photos from Ryan’s party to me and said she showed your mom. Like she thought I’d be proud of her getting you in trouble or something,” Dustin explains, glancing over at me so our eyes meet. “But I’m not. I told her what she did was wrong.”
“But she doesn’t care.” It takes everything within me not to mention her latest photo. I refuse to bring it up. Refuse to give Dustin a reason to say, “I told you so,” about Ryan. “Why is she so determined to screw me over?”
“She’s mad about…us. That I like you more.” Dustin sighs and runs both hands through his hair, nearly making it stand straight up. “I hate what I did, Livvy. I should’ve never let it happen.”
“Between us?” I ask, confused.
“No.” He drops his hands so they land on his thighs. “Between me and Em. I don’t like her like that. I never really have. She was just…there. And by me getting with her, I ruined everything between us. It sucks.” He looks over at me, his gaze imploring. “I fucking miss you, Liv. I miss us.”
My heart is breaking. It would be so easy to fall into his arms and tell him I miss him too. To let him kiss my pain away so I can forget what Ryan did. But that’s not right. I can’t be like the rest of them. I should rise above the mess. Maybe the photo could be explained.
I don’t know.
“I miss you too.” I pick up his hand and interlace our fingers. His touch is comforting. Just what I need after the disaster that was today. “I want us to be friends, Dustin. But you told me that wouldn’t work for you.”
“I was wrong. It’s hard…not being able to spend time with you. Seeing you with Ryan.” He blows out a harsh breath. “You’ll still be my friend, even after what I did?” When I nod, he squeezes my hand. “I don’t deserve you, Livvy.”
I say nothing. Just smile faintly and continue to hold his hand.
“Are you happy with him?” he asks after we’re silent for a few minutes.
Not right now. The words are stuck in my throat and I drop my head, staring at my lap. “I don’
t know,” I mumble. I can’t get that photo out of my mind. Ryan’s hands all over Em. The smug look on her face. The way she’s sitting in his lap, like they belong together.
God, the ache deep inside me keeps growing, spreading throughout my body. I need…I need something.
I need Dustin.
“Just know that if you were mine, I would do everything possible to make you happy, Livvy,” he murmurs, his fingers tightening around mine. “He doesn’t deserve you either.”
Slowly I turn to face him, our hands still linked, my knee brushing against his thigh. He’s wearing a faded blue T-shirt and a pair of baggy basketball shorts. He looks so familiar, so much like my beloved Dustin…
I launch myself toward him, my mouth somehow finding his with ease, my hands going to his nape, fingers diving into his soft hair. He holds me close, his arms wrapped around my waist, his hands sliding up and down my back before they slip beneath my shirt. I’m not wearing a bra and I don’t stop him when his hands wander everywhere. Along my sides, across my stomach, counting my ribs until he’s actually touching my breasts—
“You feel so good,” he whispers against my neck just before he kisses it. Licks it. His hands are still on my chest. “You need to know I didn’t come only for this. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Stop talking,” I tell him, not caring if I sound rude. I tug on his hair, bring his mouth back to mine and then I’m falling backward onto my bed, Dustin on top of me, our mouths locked, his tongue tangling with mine. I’m shoving at his shirt just like he’s shoving at mine, and our legs are wrapped around each other, my foot driving up his hairy calf, my hand diving past the waistband of his shorts.
And then he’s gone. He pulls away from me and is standing next to the bed, his breath coming in short pants, his eyes wild as he watches me. I sit up, tugging my shirt down, smoothing out my hair. My body still aches but for different reasons now.