“all right, we’ll turn off the radio.”
they left. what a pleasure to hear them leave. what a pleasure it was to have a good lawyer. what a pleasure it was to stay out of jail.
I closed the door.
“all right, girls, they’re gone. 2 nice young boys on the wrong path. and now look!”
I looked down. “it’s gone, all gone away.”
“yes, it’s all gone,” said Baby. “where does it go? it’s so sad.”
“shit,” said Tito, “it looks like a dead little vienna sausage.”
I walked over and sat in a chair, poured a wine. Baby rolled us 3 cigarettes.
“how’s the wine?” I asked
“down to 4 bottles.”
“fifths or gallons?”
“fifths.”
“jesus, we gotta get lucky.”
I picked up a 4 day old newspaper. read the funnies. then went to the sports section. while I was reading, Tito came on over, dropped down to the rug. I felt her working. she had a mouth like one of those toilet plungers that unstopped toilets. I drank my wine and puffed at my cigarette.
they’d suck your brains out if you let them. I think they did it to each other when I wasn’t around.
I got to the horse page. “look here,” I told Tito, “this horse cut fractions of 22 and one fifth for the quarter, he’s 44 and 4/5ths for the half, then one o nine for 6 furlongs, he must have thought it was a 6 furlong race—”
vurp virp sloooom
vissaaa ooop
vop bop vop bop vop
“—it’s a mile and a quarter, he’s trying to sprint away from these routers, he’s got 6 lengths turning the last curve and backing up, the horse is dying, he wants to be back in the stable—”
sllllurrrp
sllurrrrr vip vop vop
vip vop vop
“now check the jock — if it’s Blum he’ll win by a nose; if it’s Volske he’ll win by 3/4’s of a length. it’s Volske. he wins by 3/4’s. a bet down from 12 to 8. all stable money, the public hates Volske. they hate Volske and Harmatz. so the stables use these guys 2 or 3 times a meet on the goodies to keep the public off. if it weren’t for these two great riders, at the right time, I’d be down on East 5th Street—”
“oooh, you bastard!” Tito lifted her head and screamed, knocked the newspaper out of my hand. then went back to work. I didn’t know what to do. she was really angry. then Baby walked over. Baby had very good legs and I lifted her purple skirt and looked at the nylons. Baby leaned over and kissed me, gave me the tongue down the throat, I got my palm on her haunch. I was trapped. I didn’t know what to do. I needed a drink. 3 idiots locked together. o moaning and the flight of the last bluebird into the eye of the sun, it was a child’s game, a stupid game.
first quarter, 22 and ¼, the half in 44 and 1/5, she smoked it out, victory by a head, Calif. rain of my body. figs broken lovely open like great red guts in the sun and sucked loose while your mother hated you and your father wanted to kill you and the backyard fence was green and belonged to the Bank of America, Tito smoked it out while I fingered Baby.
then we separated, each waiting the bathroom’s turn to wipe the snot from our sexual noses. I was always last. I came out and took one of the winebottles and went over to the window and looked out.
“Baby, roll me another smoke.”
we were on the top floor, the 4th. floor, high up on a hill. but you can look out on Los Angeles and get nothing, nothing at all. all those people down there sleeping, waiting to get up and go to work. it was stupid. stupid, stupid and horrible. we had it right: eye, say, blue on green staring deeply through shreds of beanfields, into each other, come.
Baby brought me the cigarette. I inhaled and watched the sleeping city. we sat and waited on the sun and whatever there was to be. I did not like the world, but at cautious and easy times you could almost understand it.
I don’t know where Tito and Baby are now, if they are dead or what, but those nights were good, pinching those high-heeled legs, kissing nylon knees. all that color of dresses and panties, and making the L.A. Police Force earn the green.
Spring or flowers or Summer will never be like that again.
A LOVELY LOVE AFFAIR
I went broke — again — but this time in the French Quarter, New Orleans, and Joe Blanchard, editor of the underground paper OVERTHROW took me down to this place around the corner, one of those dirty white buildings with green storm windows, steps that ran almost straight up. It was Sunday and I was expecting a royalty, no, an advance from a dirty book I had written for the Germans, but the Germans kept writing me this bullshit about the owner, the father, being a drunk, they were deep in the red because the old man had withdrawn their funds from the bank, no, overdrawn them for his drinking and fucking bouts and therefore, they were broke but they were kicking the old man out and as soon as …
Blanchard rang the bell.
This old fat girl came to the door, and she weighed about between 250 and 300 pounds. She kind of wore this vast sheet as a dress and her eyes were very small. I guess that was the only small thing about her. She was Marie Glaviano, owner of a cafe in the French Quarter, a very small cafe. That was another thing that was not very big about her — her cafe. But it was a nice cafe, red and white tablecloths, expensive menus and no people about. One of those old-time black mammy dolls standing near the entrance. The old black mammy doll signified good times, old times, good old times, but the good old times were gone. The tourists were walkers now. They just liked to walk around and look at things. They didn’t go into the cafes. They didn’t even get drunk. Nothing paid anymore. The good times were over. Nobody gave a shit and nobody had any money and if they had any, they kept it. It was a new age and not a very interesting one. Everybody kind of watched the revolutionaries and the pigs rip at each other. That was good entertainment and it was free and they kept their money in their pockets, if they had any money.
Blanchard said, “Hello, Marie. Marie, this is Charley Serkin. Charley, this is Marie.”
“Hi,” I said.
“Hello,” said Marie Glaviano.
“Let us come in a minute, Marie,” said Blanchard.
(There are only two things wrong with money: too much or too little. And there I was down at the “too little” stage again.)
We climbed the steep steps and followed her down one of those long long sideways-built places — I mean all length and no width, and then we were in the kitchen, sitting at a table. There was a bowl of flowers. Marie broke open 3 bottles of beer. Sat down.
“Well, Marie,” said Blanchard, “Charley’s a genius. He’s up against the knife. I’m sure he’ll pull out, but meanwhile … meanwhile, he’s got no place to stay.”
Marie looked at me. “Are you a genius?”
I took a long drag at the beer. “Well, frankly, it’s hard to tell. More often, I feel like some type of subnormal. Rather like all these great big white blocks of air in my head.”
“He can stay,” said Marie.
It was Monday, Marie’s only day off and Blanchard got up and left us there in the kitchen. Then the front door slammed and he was out of there.
“What do you do?” asked Marie.
“Live on my luck,” I said.
“You remind me of Marty,” she said.
“Marty?” I asked, thinking, my god, here it comes. And it came.
“Well, you’re ugly, you know. Well, I don’t mean ugly, I mean beat-up, you know. And you’re really beat-up, you’re even more beat-up than Marty was. And he was a fighter. Were you a fighter?”
“That’s one of my problems: I could never fight worth a damn.”
“Anyhow, you got that same look as Marty. You been beat but you’re kind. I know your type. I know a man when I see a man. I like your face. You got a good face.”
Not being able to say anything about her face, I asked, “You got any cigarettes, Marie?”
“Why sure, honey,” she reached down into that great shee
t of a dress and pulled a full pack out from between her tits. She could have carried a week’s worth of groceries in there. It was kind of funny. She opened me another beer.
I took a good drain, then told her, “I could probably fuck you until I made you cry.”
“Now look here, Charley,” she said, “I won’t have you talking that way. I’m a nice girl. My mother brought me up right. You keep talking that way and you can’t stay.”
“Sorry, Marie, I was just kidding.”
“Well, I don’t like that kind of kidding.”
“Sure, I understand. You got any whiskey?”
“Scotch.”
“Scotch is fine.”
She brought out an almost full fifth. 2 waterglasses. We had ourselves some scotch and water. That woman had been around. That was obvious. She’s probably been around ten years longer than I. Well, age wasn’t any crime. It was only that most people aged badly.
“You’re just like Marty,” she said again.
“And you’re not like anybody I’ve ever seen,” I said.
“Do you like me?” she asked.
“I’ve got to,” I said, and she didn’t give me any snot over that one. We drank another hour or two, mostly beer but with a bit of scotch here and there, and then she took me down to my bed. And on the way down we passed a place and she was sure to say, “That’s my bed.” It was quite wide. My bed was next to another one. Very strange. But it didn’t mean anything. “You can sleep in either bed,” said Marie, “or both of them.”
There was something about that that felt like a putdown …
Well, sure, I had a head in the morning and I heard her rattling in the kitchen but I ignored it as any wise man would, and I heard her turn on the tv for the morning news, she had the tv on the breakfast nook table, and I heard the coffee perking, it smelled rather good but the smell of bacon and eggs and potatoes I didn’t like, and the sound of the morning news I didn’t like, and I felt like pissing and I was thirsty, but I didn’t want Marie to know that I was awake, so I waited, mildly pissed (haha, yes), but wanting to be alone, wanting to own the place alone and she kept fucking around fucking around and finally I heard her running past my bed …
“Gotta go,” she said, “I’m late.”
“Bye, Marie,” I said.
When the door slammed I got up and walked to the crapper and I sat there and I pissed and I crapped and I sat there in New Orleans, far from home, wherever my home was, and then I saw a spider sitting in a web in the corner, looking at me. Now that spider had been there a long time, I knew that. Much longer than I had. First, I thought of killing him. But he was so fat and happy and ugly, he owned the joint. I’d have to wait some time, until it was proper. I got up and wiped my ass and flushed. As I left the crapper, the spider winked at me.
I didn’t want to play with what was left of the 5th, so I sat in the kitchen, naked, wondering, how can people trust me so? Who was I? People were crazy, people were simple. That gave me an edge. Hell yes, it did. I’d lived for ten years without a trade. People gave me money, food, places to stay. Whether they thought I was an idiot or a genius, that didn’t matter. I knew what I was. I was neither. What made people give me gifts didn’t concern me. I took the gifts and I took them without a feeling of victory or/and coercion. My only premise was that I couldn’t ask for anything. On top of it all, I rather had this little phonograph record spinning around on top of my brain and it kept playing the same tune: don’t try don’t try. It seemed like an all right idea.
Anyhow, after Marie left I sat in the kitchen and drank 3 cans of beer I found in the refrigerator. I never cared much for food. I’d heard of people’s love for food. But food only bored me. Liquid was o.k. but bulk was a dragdown. I liked shit, I liked to shit, I liked turds but it was such terrible work creating them.
After the 3 cans of beer I noticed this purse on the seat next to me. Of course, Marie had taken another purse to work. Would she be foolish enough or kind enough to leave money? I opened the purse. There at the bottom was a ten dollar bill.
Well, Marie was testing me and I’d prove worthy of her test.
I took the ten, walked back to my bedroom and dressed. I felt good. After all, what did a man need to survive? Nothing. It was true. And I even had the key to the place.
So I stepped outside and locked the door to keep out the thieves, hahaha, and there I was out on the streets, the French Quarter, and what a stupid place that was, but I had to make it do. Everything had to serve me, that’s the way it went. So … oh yes, I was walking down the street, and the trouble with the French Quarter was that there just weren’t any liquor stores around like in other decent parts of the world. Maybe it was deliberate. One had to guess that it helped those horrible shit holes on every corner that were called bars. The first thing I ever thought of when walking into one of those “quaint” French Quarter bars was vomiting. And I usually did, running back to some urine-stinking pisspot and letting go — tons and tons of fried eggs and half-cooked greasy potatoes. And walking back in, after heaving, and looking upon them: the only thing more lonely and inane than the patrons was the bartender, especially if he also owned the place. O.k., so I walked around, knowing that the bars were the lie, and you know where I found my 3 six packs? A little grocery with stale bread and all about it, even peeling into the paint, this half-sex smile of loneliness … help me, help me, help me … terrible, yes, and they can’t even light the place up, electricity costs money, and here I was, the first guy to buy a 6 pack in 17 days and the first guy to buy three six packs in 18 years, and my god, she almost came across the top of the cash register … It was too much. I grabbed my change and 18 tall cans of beer and ran out into the stupid French Quarter sunlight…
I placed the remainder of the change back in the purse in the breakfastnook and then left the purse open so Marie could see it. Then I sat down and opened a beer.
It was good being alone. Yet, I wasn’t alone. Each time I had to piss I’d see that spider and I thought, well, spider, you’ve got to go, soon. I just don’t like your looks in that dark corner, catching bugs and flies and sucking the blood out of them. You see, you’re bad, Mr. Spider. And I’m o.k. At least, that’s the way I like to see it. You’re nothing but a frigging dark brainless wart of death, that’s what you are. Suck shit. You’ve had it.
I found a broom in the backporch and came back in there and I crashed him out of his web and brought him his own death. All right, that was all right, he was out there ahead of me, somewhere, I couldn’t help that. But how could Marie put her big ass down on the rims of that lid and shit and look at that thing? Did she even see it? Perhaps not.
I went back in the kitchen and had some more beer. Then I turned on the tv. Paper people. Glass people. I felt as if I were going insane and turned the thing off. I drank some more beer. Then I boiled 2 eggs and fried two strips of bacon. I managed to eat. You forgot about food sometimes. The sun came through the curtains. I drank all day. I threw the empties in the trash. Time went. Then the door opened. It flew open. It was Marie.
“Jesus Christ!” she screamed, “you know what happened?”
“No, no, I don’t.”
“Oh, god damn it!”
“Whatssa matta, honey?”
“I burned the strawberries!”
“Oh, yes?”
She ran around the kitchen in little circles, that big ass bobbing. She was crazy. She was out of it. Poor old fat cunt.
“I had this pot of strawberries going in the kitchen and one of these tourists came in, rich bitch, first customer of the day, and she likes the little hats I make, you know … Well, she’s kinda cute and all the hats look good on her and so she’s got a problem, and then we get to talking about Detroit, she knew somebody in Detroit that I knew, you know, and we’re talking and then all of a sudden I SMELL IT!!! THE STRAWBERRIES ARE BURNING! I ran into the kitchen, but it’s too late … what a mess! The strawberries have boiled over and they are everywhere and it stinks, it’s bur
ned, it’s sad, and nothing can be saved, nothing! What hell!”
“I’m sorry. But did you sell her a hat?”
“I sold her two hats. She couldn’t make up her mind.”
“I’m sorry about the strawberries. And I killed the spider.”
“What spider?”
“I didn’t think you’d know.”
“Know what? What’s this spiders? They’re just bugs.”
“They tell me a spider isn’t a bug. Something to do with the number of legs … I really don’t know or care.”
“A spider ain’t a bug? What kinda shit is that?”
“Not an insect. So they say. Anyhow, I killed the damn thing.”
“You been in my purse.”
“Sure. You left it there. I had to have beer.”
“You have to have beer all the time?”
“Yes.”
“You’re going to be a problem. You had anything to eat?”
“2 eggs, 2 slices of bacon.”
“You hungry?”
“Yes. But you’re tired. Relax. Have a drink.”
“Cooking relaxes me. But first I gotta have a hot bath.”
“Go ahead.”
“O.k.,” she reached over and turned on the tv and then went to the bathroom. I had to listen to tv. A news broadcast. Perfectly ugly bastard. 3 nostrils. Perfectly hateful bastard dressed like a little inane doll, sweating, and looking at me, saying words I hardly understood or cared about. I knew that Marie would be looking at tv for hours, so I had to adjust to it. When Marie came back I was looking directly into the glass, which made her feel better. I looked as harmless as a man with a checkerboard and the sports page.
Marie had come out, dolled in another outfit. She might have even looked cute, but she was so god damned fat. Well, anyhow, I wasn’t sleeping on a park bench.
“You want me to cook, Marie?”
“No, it’s all right. I’m not so tired now.”
She began preparing the food. When I got up for the next beer, I kissed her behind the ear.
“You’re a good sport, Marie.”
“You got enough to drink for the rest of the night?” she asked.