I smiled back at him, feeling unreasonably happy to see him. "The prof hasn't mentioned bringing in the bottles."
He stood awkwardly in the doorway.
Maybe I should have invited him in, but I was still debating whether it was wise to jump off this precipice.
He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Want to get some coffee? I hear it's good for clearing hangovers."
"Are you implying I got drunk last night?"
"I'm saying I did. And I want to talk to you. And apologize and explain."
"You don't have to apologize. I should be the one apologizing for running off." I stepped back and gestured toward the interior of my apartment. "You could come in. I can make you coffee here."
Olivia appeared at the top of the stairs. "Is Cody here already?" She stopped short when she spotted Seth.
He saw her and whispered, "I'd rather go somewhere neutral. And publicly private, if you know what I meant."
"That sounds ominous." I gripped the wine bottle tightly, like I was in danger of dropping it.
His eyes twinkled. "Just fair."
Olivia cleared her throat. "Hey."
I turned to her. "Olivia, I don't think you've met Seth, my cooking lab partner." I didn't know why I introduced him so coyly. "We were just going for coffee." I winked at Seth. "I'll get my coat."
Seth had driven to my place. Even though it wasn't a long walk to The College Grind, it was on the opposite end of campus. Up a hill and then down another hill. And then back down one. He insisted on driving there. It was, as usual, packed. And smelled deliciously of warm beverages of all types.
"On me." He stepped to the counter. "Order whatever you want."
Coffee sounded surprisingly good. I ordered a mocha and a sandwich and offered to pay for the latter. But he wouldn't hear of it.
We waited for our order and found a table out of the main traffic. My favorite battered green one. I always grabbed it when I could. It was a good place to study and people-watch. The tables were an eclectic mixture. I didn't know why I liked that one so well. It just seemed…lucky. I took its availability as a good sign.
We sat in awkward silence while we each sipped our coffee and I picked at my sandwich. Then we both spoke at once and laughed.
"I need to apologize first," he said.
"No, I do. Really." I twirled my coffee cup. "I'm usually not flighty. But I guess in this case I was, like, literally a flight risk. You were right not to trust me." I gave him a shaky smile.
I took a deep breath. "It's just…things were moving too fast. And I got scared—"
"Wait!" His smile was killer. "Isn't that my line?"
I felt myself blush as I smiled. "Is that how you feel, too?"
He shrugged. "Maybe. Yeah."
I was actually relieved. "I don't know…" I couldn't find the right words. "I'm not looking to rush into anything. But I'm not looking to just hook up, either." I paused. "Does that make any sense?"
He smiled like he understood and was as relieved as I was. "Absolutely. I like you, Maddie. Probably way too much. I'd like to get to know you better."
The puddle that was my heart beat a little faster. "I'm not usually a flight risk, though."
His smile reached his eyes. Like he understood.
I had that sense again that I'd known him forever. And that filled me with joy and scared me to death at the same time. Maybe it was because he reminded me so much of Ian.
"I can't blame you. I was acting like a douche toward Alexis."
"She caught you by surprise. You didn't want anyone to know about your mom."
His eyes lit up. "Not a good excuse." He frowned and took a deep breath. "I need to explain about Mom."
I reached across the table and covered his hand with mine. "No, you don't. I understand family pain."
He held my gaze. "You don't understand. I need to talk to someone about it."
How did he do it? Reel me in more and more with everything he did? Be vulnerable and intimate and sexy all at the same time? Make my heart swell for him with a cocktail of emotions I couldn't separate and give names. And didn't understand at all.
I squeezed his hand and smiled encouragingly at him.
His returning smile was filled with relief. "Only Zach knows this shit. Mom's a touchy subject with me. You should know why, in case it comes up again."
His Adam's apple bobbed. "She abandoned me when I was just a few weeks old. Put me in my crib. Covered me with a blanket. Left me for Dad to find screaming when he got home from work. Walked out, locked the door, and didn't ever come back."
Too late I realized I'd let my horror show.
He covered our hands with his other hand and squeezed like I needed reassurance. And maybe I did. I couldn't even imagine.
"Yeah." He nodded.
"But why?" I was still stunned. "How could she?"
If eyes really are mirrors to the soul, his pain was soul deep and bared there like he wanted me to see it. Like he wanted me to run if I was going to.
He sighed. "Dad said she left because she loved me and thought it was best. I didn't understand. Until I got older. And found out she suffered from postpartum depression so bad she was suicidal. She'd been having thoughts of killing both of us."
I gasped involuntarily.
He smiled sadly. "I know, right? Hard to take." He took a deep breath. "Dad says she left because she was afraid she'd act on her thoughts." He snorted. "That doesn't explain why she never came back."
I bit my lip and pulled my hand free to reach across the table and stroke his cheek. "I'm so sorry. Where did she go?"
He shrugged. "Nobody knew. She vanished into thin air. Didn't tell anyone. Not even my grandparents. Everyone says Dad went crazy with worry about her. She was the love of his life. Seeing that picture of Alexis', and how happy they'd been in college, just reminded me of all I cost them."
I bit back my thoughts that they didn't look all that happy in that picture. In fact, I guessed they'd been fighting. But I couldn't say that. "Seth, don't. It's not your fault—"
He caught my hand and kissed my palm, pressing it against his lips as if he desperately needed the connection with me. Finally, he let it go and guided my hand to the table, still held tightly in his.
"Dad filed a missing person report. Hired a private detective to find her. Put his life on hold to care for me and find her. Meanwhile, the police suspected him of foul play."
There weren't words.
"It took him six months, but he finally found her living with some other guy in California. She wanted a divorce. Dad gave it to her. When I was eighteen and leaving for college, I pressed him about it. Yelled at him and accused him of not fighting for her."
He took another deep breath. "Dad said he tried. But she wouldn't." He swallowed hard again. "I heard, through a gossipy great-aunt of mine, that she refused as long as he kept me. She wanted him to give me to her parents to raise. At least for a while. He wouldn't give me up."
"Your dad must love you a lot." My words didn't seem to comfort him. "Is that when you were fighting with him and he cut off your college funds?"
Seth nodded. "Yeah. We really went at it, trying to hurt each other. I was furious at him for getting her pregnant with me and putting us all through this. He never fought back and defended himself."
Seth looked away. "Finally my grandma set me straight. She couldn't stand the rift between us. She made a special trip to campus to talk to me in person." He paused. "She told me that after my older brother was born, my mom had spun into a severe depression. So severe that when she finally came out of it, my parents decided it was too dangerous to have more children.
"But when my brother died, Mom was inconsolable. He'd been her life. She wanted another child to replace him. She begged Dad."
Seth got a faraway look in his eyes. "He offered to adopt. But she wanted her own biological child. That was the only way to replace her boy. Finally, against Dad's better judgment, he relented." Seth looked absolutely miserable. "And then t
here was me."
My heart broke for him.
"I was supposed to be the child that saved her and their marriage. Instead, I was the baby who broke up our family and drove my mom almost mad."
"No!" I leaned toward him. "You can't think that! You didn't have a say in any of it. They knew the risks. They must have tried to treat her—"
"Yeah," he said. "That's what I tell myself." His voice broke.
I bit my lip, unsure whether I should ask what was on my mind. "Where is she now? Do you ever see her?"
"She's dead, Maddie." His tormented eyes filled with incredible sadness. "When I was eight, she remarried, got pregnant, had a stillborn baby, and committed suicide four days later."
I paused, struck dumb with sorrow. What a tragedy.
"I'm sorry." It was the only thing I could think of to say.
"Yeah." He paused. "You and I have a connection, Maddie. Now that you know the worst about my family, what do you say? Can we start over? Just take it slow and see where it goes?"
What could I say? He'd just bared his soul to me. And proposed exactly what I'd wanted. I couldn't very well dump my crazy, unfounded suspicions on him now. Or tell him to take a hike. And so I did what my heart demanded, on all counts. I leaned forward and kissed him gently, as if he might shatter.
He pressed his forehead against mine. "I'll take that as a yes."
My heart pounded in my ears as I thought quickly. "Yes, on one condition."
"You have a condition?" He sounded genuinely surprised.
"No posting about us on social media."
"You want a secret relationship?" He sounded uncertain.
"In a way, yes." I laughed to lighten the mood. "For good reason. My older brother is here at the university." I licked my lips. "He's what you might call overprotective. I don't want him coming down on your ass. It's just best for now if he doesn't know about us."
Seth tipped my chin up so that our eyes met. "I don't need any big brothers in our business. Deal."
He kissed me again, with the sweet gentleness of starting over.
Chapter 10
Maddie
And so our relationship started off again slow. With slow, tender kisses. Lingering and slow to leave each other's presence. Delaying our goodbyes until goodbye faded and joined with good morning. Slow lovemaking sessions that left me eager and trembling and each of us breathless and begging for completion. With wanting him all the time. With being slow to admit I was in love with him.
Seth's power was in his vulnerability and ability to make me laugh. In the way I felt connected to him. We talked about everything, as if we had known each other forever. As if we were connected by an unbreakable bond. Like family.
I ignored the little warning bells that popped up in moments of quiet. Maybe he is family. I ran over them with music. I even started studying to music instead of the quiet I'd always preferred, just to drown out the doubts.
I opened up about the feelings of loss since my dad died. Told him things I'd only shared with Ian and Olivia. Shared my fears.
I told him about Mom and Ken. "Mom's settling for Ken. I know it. I have to pretend to be happy for her." I took a deep breath¸ trying to find the right words to express what I felt. "It's just that she loved Dad so much. He was the love of her life. And I think Ken is only a good friend."
"Can't a person have more than one love of their life?" His tone of voice was serious. He wasn't mocking or making fun of me.
"Isn't that the definition of 'the love of your life'? Emphasis on the 'the.' One." I brought up their engagement picture on my phone and showed it to him. "This is them."
Partly, it was to throw Seth off the scent. He wanted to know everything about me. I wouldn't show him Ian's picture. Not that he'd asked. But if he did, I would find a way to avoid it. Just in case. But there was no harm in Mom's.
"Your mom's gorgeous." He bumped me with his shoulder. "She looks a little bit like mine did."
"Really?" I stared at Mom's picture, mentally comparing her to the brief glimpse I'd had of his mom. Chilled by the thought because of the implications—did his dad have a type of woman he preferred? Were both of our moms it?
"That's a compliment to both of you," he said. "You look like her. I'm sure you've been told that a million times before. You could be her clone."
He was right. People told me that all the time. I would even go to school and people who'd never met her would tell me they'd seen my mom at the grocery store or wherever. That it had to be her.
I almost opened my mouth to say, What you see is what you'll get if you stick with me for another thirty-plus years. But that was way too committed for both of us. I wasn't thinking that far into the future. I wasn't thinking into the future at all. Because the future meant making decisions and potentially dangerous revelations. I was living purely in the moment. And I liked it that way.
"You really think our moms look alike?" I almost willed him to change his mind.
"Not exactly alike." Seth studied the picture. "Same coloring, shape of face, and build. How old is your mom?"
"Fifty-four."
"Wow. She doesn't look it. Looking at her, I would guess early forties. At the oldest." He frowned like he was thinking. "She's the same age as my dad." His voice became soft. "The same age Mom would be."
My heart stopped even though it was a totally innocuous statement. And broke a little for him. I was sure he was picturing what his mom would look like if she were still alive. I felt a well of longing for Dad.
I squeezed Seth's hand. "Judging from her offspring, I'm sure she'd still be a total hottie."
His smile lit up my world, even when it was tinged with sadness.
"Back to guessing ages. You would be wrong, oh great age-guessing swami," I said, deflecting. "Don't ever go into age-guessing as a profession. You suck at it."
He shook his head like he wasn't listening to me. "No, seriously. I bet people tell her that all the time." He grinned at me. "And confuse her for your older sister," he said with a wicked gleam in his eyes. "If you age like her, you'll be hot in your fifties."
I rolled my eyes.
He looked like he was still thinking. "She went to school here, didn't she?"
Oh, crap. I didn't like where this was going. I nodded. "For a year." I pointed to her smile in the picture on my phone. "See that? And the way she's leaning away from Ken ever so slightly."
Seth squinted at the picture like he didn't see it. "She's leaning away?"
"Ever so slightly," I said. "That means there's no passion. Just friendship."
"Friendship isn't enough?" Seth was sitting next to me. He ran his hand up my thigh. The look in his eyes was absolutely teasing.
And took my breath away.
He knew it would never be enough for us.
"You know it's not." I kissed him.
He took another look at the picture of Mom and Ken. "Man, I think my dad would really go for your mom."
Again with the heart stop. He didn't know what he was saying.
"I should introduce her to my dad. Test your theory. See if he can use the old Butler charm and steal her away from her dear old friend Ken. Dad's a lady-killer." He winked. "Or so I've been told."
"No!" The word exploded out of my mouth and hung in the air.
Seth's eyes went wide. "Chill." He looked perplexed by my reaction. "I was just joking, Mads."
I laughed nervously to cover. "Do you want us to end up as brother and sister? Don't even joke about something like that."
I shuddered for exaggeration, trying to get past my overreaction.
He laughed and kissed me lightly. "You're putting the cart way before the horse. And even if something crazy and outlandish, and I might add, totally improbable, like our parents marrying and making us step-sibs did happen, it wouldn't change a thing between us."
He bumped me playfully with his shoulder. "Think of the perks. We could spend our breaks under the same roof." He wiggled his eyebrows and smiled, full of
innuendo and desire.
I laughed, hoping he was right. That nothing changed between us.
Having each lost a parent was another bond. Seth shared his grief over being motherless. That was what slow meant to us—falling headlong.
Even Ian commented on how happy I seemed when I met him at the SUB for lunch. And suspected a guy was the reason.
"I want to meet this guy." He dumped his tray and stacked it above the garbage can.
"I didn't say there is a guy," I said as we walked into the common area.
"There is."
"When I'm ready." I wasn't sure I ever would be.
"You used to talk to me about your crushes." Ian looked almost hurt.
On impulse, I hugged him. Fiercely. And rested my head on his chest, letting him wrap me in his brotherly embrace.
"Yeah." I listened to the beat of his heart. "And I will again. I promise. It's just—"
"I wouldn't approve of this guy?" He caught me by the arms and tipped my chin up so I had to look him in the eye. "Baby sis?"
I led with the truth. "He's a lot like you."
He smiled. "What's that supposed to mean? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"It means he's different." Which was true in so many ways. "And easily scared by the threat of commitment." I tried to sound jokey.
"Like being introduced to your brother?"
I nodded.
"Sissy, if that scares him off, he's not worth keeping."
I nodded. "I know. But it's too soon. We've been seeing each other for less than a month."
Ian nodded and pulled me back into a hug. He kissed the top of my head. "Understood."
Olivia liked Seth immediately.
"I see what you mean about him looking like Ian!" she said when I got home from that coffee date with Seth. "They look like brothers."
I shook my head. "That's what I said! But you're not supposed to tell me that. I'm already freaking, remember?"
"He even sounds a little like Ian." She had a tease in her voice.
I gave her a deadpan look. "You're supposed to be on my side, not scaring me."
"I'm not scaring anyone. I still think it's just coincidence."
"Nice cover."