Crench turned to me. “Bernie, who is this kid? Why were you giving his head a workout?”
“I didn’t touch him!” I said.
“That’s right,” Angel said. “It was all my fault. Don’t blame him. He just didn’t want to share his computer.”
Feenman and Crench glared at me.
“I’m new here,” Angel said. “At my old school we all shared.”
“You can use my laptop,” Crench said. “The b and d keys are broken. But who uses b and d that much?”
“Thanks,” Angel said. “My name is Angel Goodeboy. Bernie and I are new best friends. And I know you guys will be good friends, too.”
I couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t Feenman and Crench see what a phony this kid was? He was acting all innocent. But he was evil. I knew he was evil.
I had to get out of there. I watched Feenman and Crench trying to cheer up Angel, and it made my stomach heave.
I hurried outside to get some fresh air.
And as I passed the girls’ dorm, I saw April-May June. Her blond ponytail waved in the wind. Her blue eyes sparkled like jewels. Dudes, are you beginning to see how I feel about April-May?
She’s the hottest girl in school. And she feels the same way about me. She just doesn’t know it yet.
“April-May—wait up!” I shouted. “Hey—wait up!”
Chapter 6
HE SNIFFS HIS ARMPITS
April-May whipped around so hard, her ponytail smacked her in the face. “I can’t wait up, Bernie,” she said. “I’m in a big hurry.”
“A big hurry?” I said. “To do what?”
“To get away from you,” she said.
“Ha-ha-ha.” I laughed. She has an awesome sense of humor. I knew she was kidding. “Where are you going?” I asked.
She flipped her ponytail behind her. “To the library. You know. The place where they have books.”
“I love books,” I said. My heart started to pound. “Books are my favorite thing for reading. Maybe you and I could read one together.”
“Good idea,” she said. “Maybe when I pull out all my hair and tattoo your name on my head.”
“Could that be on Friday?” I asked.
She started to walk away. I hurried after her. “Friday night is movie night at the Student Center,” I said. “Would you like to go with me?”
She spun around again. “Bernie, who is that new boy in your dorm? I hear he’s really cute.”
I gulped. “Angel? Cute? You wouldn’t like him. He has hair growing out of his nose, and he licks it.”
She stomped down hard on my foot.
“OWWWW!” I let out a scream and stumbled back. “Why did you do that?”
“Just felt like it,” she said. “Now tell me about this new kid.”
“What about my question about Friday night?” I said.
“I already forgot it,” April-May said.
Flora and Fauna—the Peevish twins—came running up. The twins are identical. They are both short and thin and have brown hair and brown eyes. There’s only one way to tell which is which: Fauna is the one on the left.
“We heard there’s a cute new guy in your dorm,” Fauna said.
“I heard it first,” Flora said.
“Did not,” Fauna said. “I heard it before he even came here.”
“I heard it before that!” her sister said.
They started slapping each other and tearing at each other’s hair. April-May and I had to pull them apart.
“So? What’s he like?” Flora asked.
“You wouldn’t like him,” I said. “He’s very hairy, and he grunts. He doesn’t talk. He scratches his armpits, and he sniffs them. And he smells like two-day-old diarrhea.”
Good description, huh?
All three girls stared at me.
“You’re lying,” April-May said.
“Yeah. He’s lying,” Fauna agreed.
“Maybe a little,” I replied.
“We’re having a party at the girls’ dorm Tuesday afternoon,” April-May said. “Could you send the new kid over?”
“He’s not ready for a party,” I said. “Too shy. I’m trying to show him the ropes. Break him in slowly. Maybe I could come in his place.”
“I don’t think so,” April-May said.
“We heard he’s a total angel,” Flora said. “Send him over, Bernie.”
“I get to meet him first,” Fauna said.
“No. Me,” her sister shot back. “Because I heard about him first.”
“I heard about him last year,” Fauna said.
“I heard about him two years ago,” Flora replied.
SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
They started pounding each other again. It was pretty ugly.
April-May jogged off to the library. I turned and slumped back to the dorm, thinking hard.
Maybe I should give Angel a break. Maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe he did want to be best friends. Maybe he wasn’t evil.
I climbed the stairs to my room. I’ll try being nice, I decided.
After all, who on this planet is nicer than Bernie B.?
I stepped into the room with a dazzling smile on my face. Glanced around—and let out a
GAAAAAACK!
Chapter 7
GAAAAACK!
My mouth dropped open. My tongue hung out. I made HUNH-HUNH panting sounds. And I stared at the posters tacked on the walls. More angel posters. Dozens of them.
Little baby angels with pink cheeks and fluffy wings. All with Angel’s face. Flying all over MY walls!
“I hope you don’t mind,” Angel said. He was sitting on MY bed. “The angels are just so CUTE!” He giggled. “And Mrs. Heinie really liked them, too. She helped me tack them up.”
GAAAAAAACK!
“Hunh-hunh-hunh,” I said.
“Oh, my gosh and goodness. I’ve been really busy,” Angel said. He jumped up and moved to the dresser. “I put my clothes in the bottom drawer like you said, Bernie. But I looked in the other drawers. And I saw your stuff was all wrinkled and jammed in.”
“So?” I asked.
“So I pulled everything out,” Angel said. “I piled your stuff on the closet floor, where you’ll have more room.”
My mouth dropped open even lower. My jaw was hanging around my knees! “You—you took over the whole dresser? You threw all my clothes on the closet floor?” I stammered.
“Don’t thank me,” Angel said. He flashed me one of his sparkling smiles.
“I’m happy to help you out, Bernie, since you’re my new best friend.”
GAAAAACK!
I knew it. I KNEW it. It didn’t take me long to figure out this dude’s plan. Forget the angel act. He wanted to take over my room. He wanted to force me OUT!
“I totally like those two tall, thin friends of yours,” he said. “Feenman and Crench? They were so nice to me. I had to reward them.”
“Reward them?” I said weakly.
He nodded. “Yeah. I gave them a bunch of candy bars I found in your closet. It made them really happy.”
I let out a shriek. “My Nutty Nutty Bars? You gave them my Nutty Nutty Bars? But I get two dollars each for those candy bars!”
Angel’s angelic smile spread until I thought his cheeks would burst. “It’s nice to do good things for others. Don’t you agree?”
GAAAAACK!
If he wanted to do good things, why did he have to use MY candy bars?
I lurched across the hall into Feenman and Crench’s room. They were both stretched out on their bunk beds, stuffing their faces with chocolate bars.
“Get up. We’ve got work to do,” I said. “We’ve gotta get that new kid out of my room. Out of Rotten House! He doesn’t belong in our dorm.”
CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP!
They didn’t answer me for a long time. Their cheeks were bulging with Nutty Nutty Bars.
“Big B, Angel is a great guy,” Feenman said finally. He had chocolate smeared on his cheeks and chin. And how did he get it on his
forehead? “He gave us all these Nutty Nutty Bars—for free!”
“Yeah. Free,” Crench muttered, chewing hard. He was chewing up the wrappers and swallowing them.
“But they were MINE!” I cried. “Don’t you see? He’s a THIEF!”
CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP!
“That’s harsh, Bernie,” Feenman said. “Give the kid a break.”
“Yeah,” Crench agreed. “He’s a good dude. Very generous.”
“But—but—” I sputtered.
“You’re just jealous,” Feenman said. “Because he’s so good looking.”
“Huh? Good-looking?” I cried. “Does he have dimples like these?” I flashed my prize-winning dimples.
CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP!
They didn’t answer me.
“Dudes, he put up pictures of angels all over my room,” I said. “How can I sleep with angel eyes staring at me from everywhere?”
“I think they’re kinda cute,” Crench said.
GAAAAACK!
“Angel said he could get us free Foamy Root Beer,” Feenman said. “And free doughnuts.”
“And he said he’d try to get us a bigger room,” Crench added.
Wow. Angel was turning my own friends against me. I had to do something—fast.
But fast wouldn’t be fast enough—because Angel had more plans to take over the dorm and push me out.
And they started the very next morning with a really big shock!
Chapter 8
ANGEL IS A GOOD BIRD
I woke up with sunshine beaming into my eyes. “Huh? Where am I?” I lifted my head and squinted into the light. Oh, yeah.”
It took me a few seconds to remember that I was now sleeping in a cot under the window in my room. With a sigh I raised myself higher and glanced over at MY bed.
Angel sat on the side of the bed in his striped pajamas. And what was that fat lump next to him?
Gassy! My pet! My bulldog! Snoring away at the foot of the bed.
“Hey—what’s up with him?” I cried. “That’s my dog!”
Angel flashed me the first smile of the morning. Sunshine shimmered around him, a halo of light above his golden hair.
“Gassy seems to like dog biscuits,” he said.
I shook myself awake. “Huh? Dog biscuits?”
Angel nodded. “I gave him a whole box for his breakfast.”
“But—but—” I stammered. “That will make him sick.”
The fat bulldog let out a snort. He had a big smile on his face.
Angel raised his hands to his cheeks. “Oh, my gosh and goodness. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong,” he said. “I’d never do anything to hurt you or your doggie, Bernie pal.”
He petted Gassy’s big lump of a head. The dog sighed softly. “Look—he likes me,” Angel said. “I think he’s MY dog now!”
My bed. My dresser. My friends. My DOG?
“No way!” I cried.
I jumped off the cot. “Come with me, boy,” I said to Gassy. “You know who you belong to. Come over here with me.”
I grabbed the big dog’s collar and started to tug him off Angel’s bed.
Grrrrrrrrr. Gassy bared his teeth and snarled at me.
“Whoa!” I jumped back.
Angel laughed. Gassy raised his head, stuck out his fat tongue, and started to lick Angel’s face. That made Angel laugh even harder.
“Sorry, Bernie. What can I say? He loves ME now!”
I turned away and walked over to the birdcage in one corner. Maybe a box of lousy dog biscuits made Gassy a traitor. But I still had my sweet parrot.
I pulled the cover off the cage and leaned down to greet the beautiful bird. “Good morning, Lippy,” I said. “How are you today, sweetie?”
Lippy tilted his green head. He gazed out at me with one eye.
“Angel is a good bird!” he squawked. “Angel is a good bird! Bernie bites! Bernie bites big time!”
GAAAAAACK!
I reached in to pet my adorable parrot. PLOP. He dropped something hot and sticky into my hand.
GAAAAACK AGAIN!
Angel had turned both of my pets against me.
What next?
Chapter 9
BREAKFAST IN BED
I dropped back onto the cot to think. I knew I could think my way out of this. No one thinks like Bernie B. when I put my mind to it.
BRRRAAAAAP.
“Eeew! Phewww!” Angel moaned. He pinched his nose shut. He started faning the air. “Why does my new dog smell so bad?”
“Maybe it’s because of the entire box of dog biscuits you fed him,” I muttered.
I heard heavy footsteps in the hall. Belzer stepped in, carrying a big breakfast tray. The Dining Hall is just too noisy in the morning. So Belzer brings me breakfast in bed.
Good kid, Belzer.
“Good morning, Belzer,” I said, climbing under the covers. “Whoa. Wait. What’s that T-shirt you’re wearing?”
Belzer stuck out his chest so I could read the front. In big red letters, it read: DON’T LOOK AT ME.
“Great,” I said. “That shirt is gonna win you a lot of friends.”
He squinted at me. “You think so?”
Belzer buys all his T-shirts at a store called Crumby Shirts No One Else Will Wear.
“Never mind,” I said. “What do you have for breakfast this morning?”
Belzer gazed down at the tray. “Scrambled eggs with bacon and sausage, blueberry pancakes, cornflakes, and two chocolate-chip muffins,” he said.
My mouth watered. “Excellent,” I said. “A small breakfast. I don’t like to overdo it in the morning. Just set it down in my lap. Gently. My knees bruise easily.”
Belzer blinked a few times. “But it isn’t for you, Bernie,” he said.
I laughed. “Belzer, what did I tell you about making jokes? Remember, I said you weren’t quite ready for jokes yet?”
Belzer blinked a few more times. “I wasn’t joking, Big B. This breakfast is for Angel.”
“Huh?” My brain started to spin. “Breakfast in bed for Angel?”
“It was my idea, Bernie,” Angel said. “You’ve been looking really pale. You need fresh air, pal. A nice walk to the Dining Hall every morning will be good for you.”
Belzer set the tray down on Angel’s lap.
Angel picked up a chocolate-chip muffin and started to chew off the top. “I’m only thinking of you, roomie,” he said to me. “You’re my best friend, and I want you to be healthy.”
He turned to Belzer. “Would you slice the sausage for me? I like to have it in small chunks before I start to eat.”
“No problem,” Belzer said. “I got you the soft bacon you asked for. I tasted each piece to make sure it was soft, Angel.”
GAAAAAACK!
I couldn’t take it anymore. I never totally lose it—but I TOTALLY LOST IT.
I leaped out of bed. I grabbed the edge of the tray. I let out an angry roar and started to tug the tray off Angel’s lap.
“Bernie?”
I heard a voice behind me.
“Bernie? What’s going on in here?”
I let go of the tray and spun around. “Good morning, Mrs. Heinie,” I said.
“You’re looking beautiful today. I love what you’ve done with your single eyebrow.”
“Never mind my eyebrow,” she snapped. She squinted at me through her thick glasses. “What were you fighting about?”
“Me? Fighting?” I said. “Oh, no. You’ve got it wrong, Mrs. H. Belzer and I—we were treating my new roommate. A special welcome. We were giving him breakfast in bed.”
Angel rested the tray on Gassy. Then he climbed out of bed. “I know Bernie was trying to be nice,” he told Mrs. Heinie. “But I don’t really like breakfast in bed. I’d much rather be in the Dining Hall with all my new friends.”
Mrs. Heinie beamed at Angel. “You’re such a good boy,” she gushed.
Then she turned to me, and her smile became a scowl. “Bernie, stop trying to teach Angel bad habits!??
?
I took a slice of bacon from the tray and slid it into my mouth. “Bad habits? Huh? Me?”
Chapter 10
THE GREAT MAN?
The next morning was a hot, steamy Monday. I woke up slowly, feeling sweaty, my pajamas stuck to my skin.
I opened my eyes—and saw Angel, already dressed. He smiled at me. I had to shut my eyes. The glow from his teeth was painful!
His yellow, green, and purple school tie was perfectly tied. The brass buttons on his school blazer gleamed as if he’d polished them.
I yawned. “Where’s Belzer? Isn’t he bringing breakfast?”
Angel tugged me up. “Oh, my gosh and goodness. Bernie, hurry. It’s my first day of class. I can’t wait!”
Oh, wow. Was he for real?
“Please walk me to the School House,” he said. “I’m not sure where to find it.”
I yawned again. “Just walk in any direction,” I said. “You’ll get there sooner or later.”
But he dragged me out of bed and shoved my uniform at me. A few minutes later I was leading him across the Great Lawn toward the School House building where all our classes are held.
Kids poured out of the three dorms, laughing and talking. I waved to April-May June, but she didn’t wave back.
I saw my buddies Feenman and Crench tossing a Frisbee back and forth. Those crazy dudes probably forgot it was Monday.
I pointed to the tall, stone building at the far end of the Great Lawn. “That’s the School House,” I said. “We call it Mouse House. Know why? Because it’s infested! Hope you don’t mind a mouse or two climbing up your legs.”
Angel laughed. He thought I was kidding.
I heard a thud of footsteps, turned, and saw my friend Beast stampeding toward us. Beast is a weird guy. He’s a little too hairy to be human. But no one knows what he is.
Sometimes he chases after squirrels on all fours. And when he catches one, it isn’t pretty.