Give me everything.
The fucking irony.
Because if tonight proved anything, it was that Noah had absolutely nothing to give. Despite knowing he shouldn’t take what wasn’t his to have, he’d done it again. Despite knowing—and even saying—that he wasn’t capable of doing what she wanted, being what she wanted, giving what she wanted, he’d done what he’d wanted, ignoring what was best for her.
In the end, all he’d done was take and take and take—her affection, her body, her love. Jesus, he’d fucked Kristina up against the front door of his apartment, not even bothering to undress her, or warm her, or dry her off from the storm.
Gently, he grasped her hands in his and pulled them away from his face. No matter what he might or might not feel for her, he just didn’t have it in him to take care of her the way she needed. The way she deserved.
That much was clear.
Because if he couldn’t put her first when they were friends, no way would he be able to do so if they were lovers. When it would matter more. When the stakes would be higher. And the fact that he was still holding her hands, that he wasn’t pushing her away like he should, was the problem in a nutshell.
What a fucking selfish bastard.
Worse, he hadn’t been motivated by anything good when he’d chased her out into the rain. Instead, he’d been driven by a noxious cocktail of blinding jealousy, raw emotion, and utter frustration. The whole day had been such a build-up of stressors that he should’ve known better than to even try to talk to Kristina. Finding that she’d come home with Ethan had just been one stressor too many. The thought that she might be just a few feet away and falling into another man’s arms, another man’s bed, another man’s heart…it had all been too fucking much.
Especially since he had absolutely no question in his mind or his heart. Noah loved Kristina. He was in love with her, too.
So he’d gone after her. And made everything worse.
In all his pathetic weakness, he’d done the exact thing he knew he should never do again.
Not just having sex with her, though that was bad enough. But leading her on and giving her hope, when he for sure had none of that to give.
“Say something,” Kristina whispered, wide blue eyes peering up at him. Hopeful and wary in equal measure.
“I don’t know what to say,” he managed, hating himself as a flash of uncertainty passed across her pretty features.
She licked her lips, her eyes boring into his. “Say you’ll give us a chance. Say you’re with me in this. Say you…” She gave a small shrug that read as self-consciousness. “Say anything,” she whispered.
Noah dropped her hands, fastened his jeans, and stepped back. It hurt him to put space between them, it really did. Because he knew that he was building a permanent wall between them, one he’d never get to cross again.
“I can’t, Kristina. I told you that. I told you,” he said, heat slinking into his tone, pain slicing through him, anger and grief clouding his brain.
“There’s nothing stopping us from giving this a try. You can’t deny that there’s something here, because we keep ending up in this same place—falling into each other’s arms and then wondering what it means, or if it should mean anything—”
“It doesn’t.” It couldn’t. He gave a fast shake of his head, swallowing the sour bile rising at the back of his throat. “It doesn’t mean anything except that I’m a weak motherfucker and a horrible friend.”
Her expression fell and her shoulders dropped. She pulled up her dress to cover her breasts and tugged down her skirt. “I don’t understand, Noah. You didn’t want me to go out with Ethan. You were worried about me when I got hurt. You called me baby and said you didn’t want it to end. Those are the words and actions of a man—”
“Who’s really fucked up,” he interrupted, the words tasting like bitter acid as they fell off his tongue. “Those were the words and actions of a man who’s been using you, who put his selfish need to feel better, to feel something, above what you needed and deserved. Those were the words and actions of a man with some unforgivably piss poor impulse control.”
“Stop trying to push me away,” she said, her voice strained, eyes glassy. And the threat of her tears broke his fucking heart. But better for her to have a little pain now than to have major heartache later, because with the way he was right now, that’s all he’d ever be good for.
Pain. Disappointment. Failure.
“I’m no good for you,” he said, the shattered pieces of his heart cutting him up on the inside, leaving him broken and bleeding. “It’s time for you to face it. I’m not the man I used to be. He’s gone.” The admission coiled his anger tighter, unleashing that uncomfortable pressure in his chest, the one that sooner or later would demand violent release. His hands fisted.
“That’s not true,” she said, hugging herself.
“It’s the only thing that’s true,” he said quietly.
Dropping her gaze, she paced across the wet floor, confusion rolling off of her and washing regret through him. Finally, she leaned back against the door, her expression and posture so damn defeated as her blue eyes cut up to him. “Don’t you understand that you’re everything to me?” she asked. The question was like a steel shank to the gut, opening up a wound that was gory and messy and sure to leave him bleeding out. “No matter how fucked up you think you are, no matter what problems you’re facing, you’re already enough for me!”
“No,” he said, not wanting to hear this, not able to face the temptation.
“Damnit, Noah. Yes,” she said, her voice rising.
He got right up in her face, towering over her and caging her in with his hands against the door. “You’re wrong,” he bit out.
“No! You’re scared,” she said, her gaze looking too deep inside him, seeing too much.
Her words hit him like a lightning strike, going straight to his heart and triggering an explosion. Because he was scared. Scared that he’d never get better. Scared that he couldn’t continue to handle this pain. Scared that, someday, Kristina Moore would find a man who actually deserved her. That shit was just fact.
He slammed his open palm against the door beside her head and yelled, “I’m not fucking scared.”
It was possible Noah had never loathed himself more than when he saw her flinch in fear of him.
And that just clinched it.
He took a big step back this time, big enough that he couldn’t reach out and touch her. And damn if she didn’t look small curled in on herself against that door. “I’m just realistic, Kristina. And I’m doing the right thing by you. Finally. I’m just sorry I didn’t do it sooner.”
“But I love you, Noah. Doesn’t that count for something?” A single brutal tear rolled from the corner of one eye.
“No,” he said, the falseness of the sentiment making him nauseous. Because her love was everything, maybe even the only thing. But there were some gifts you could never accept and never keep no matter how precious they were.
“Why?” she whispered.
Noah swallowed once, twice, the lie not coming as easily as he wanted it to, or needed it to. “Because I don’t love you. Not like that.”
For a long moment, Kristina couldn’t breathe. The words were like a punch to the gut, setting off a sickening ache and making her want to curl into a ball. She stared at Noah, willing him to say more. But he didn’t.
Which meant there was nothing left for her to say, either. Because she’d laid it all out there, and she’d pushed him, and she’d fought. But she couldn’t make him love her, and she couldn’t make him admit that he did if he insisted he didn’t.
Without saying a word, she bent down and retrieved her long-forgotten sandals and purse from where she’d earlier dropped them on the floor. Mortified, she stuffed her discarded panties into her purse, too. And then she stood up and gave him one last look.
“I guess we’re done here, then,” she said. Kristina turned and walked out the door.
/> She texted Kate before she pulled out of Noah’s parking lot, so she wasn’t surprised when Kate’s door flew open before Kristina even knocked.
“Oh, honey.” Kate pulled Kristina inside the apartment and into her arms. The sympathy beckoned Kristina’s tears again, and she sagged against her friend and let them come. “I’m so sorry,” Kate said.
Kristina kept her face buried in Kate’s shoulder until she regained control of her breathing, and then she let herself be led over to the big overstuffed couch. Kate’s place was decorated in rich golds and browns, with deep red and purple accents. It was like walking into a lush, autumn forest, and Kristina always felt at home here.
They sat heavily on the couch, their knees drawn up toward one another.
“Did you tell him?” Kate asked carefully.
Kristina nodded. “Yeah. I told him everything.”
“And…it didn’t go over well?” Dressed in her sleep clothes, Kate wore a strappy royal blue camisole and a pair of satin sleep shorts. And even though Kristina was in a dress and heels, she felt rumpled next to Kate because of having gotten caught in the rain—twice. Not to mention being fucked up against a door while mostly still dressed.
Couldn’t forget that. Wouldn’t ever forget that.
“No,” Kristina said. “He said he doesn’t love me. Not like I love him. And he said he’s no good for me, and that he never will be.” Her breathing shuddered as she spoke, but she managed to get through the words without falling apart again, despite the fact that she was pretty sure someone had punched a hole through her chest and ripped out her heart.
“Well, shit, Kristina. I might have to agree with him. Because if he won’t even give you two a chance after the marathon sex session the other night and all the other things he’s initiated, then he isn’t any good for you. In fact, he’s a freaking bastard for doing this to you.”
“There’s more, too.” Kristina tugged her skirt down her cold legs.
Kate groaned. “I can already see I’m not gonna like this. But before you tell me, do you want to change into some dry clothes? You can borrow some sweats.”
“That sounds like heaven,” Kristina managed. A few minutes later, they were situated back on the couch, except this time the dry clothes warmed her on the outside, even if she was stone cold on the inside.
“Okay, let’s hear this ‘more’,” Kate said, her eyebrow arched.
Kristina blew out a long breath. “We slept together again.”
Kate’s brows cranked down. “Wait. Again? As in, tonight?” She slapped her hands against her thighs, and her eyes went wide. “Whoa. Wasn’t your date with Ethan tonight?”
Nodding, Kristina said, “Yes, yes, and yes.”
“Motherfucker. Tell me you initiated the sex,” Kate said, her cheeks going flush like they always did when something wound her up. “Because if he initiated the sex again, and then told you there was no chance for anything more between you, that’s some fucking bullshit.”
“It was sorta both of us. We were fighting about Ethan and then one thing led to another and he had me pinned against his apartment door. He told me to tell him to stop, and I said I didn’t want to. So he kissed me. And stuff.”
“And stuff?” Kate gave her a droll stare. “Stuff being you two had sex up against his door?”
“Pretty much.”
Her friend’s gaze narrowed. “Explain the part about fighting with Ethan. And how did that go, anyway?”
“He was great, honestly. But…” Kristina shrugged. “…I’m too far into this with Noah, and I just couldn’t get into him. I guess Noah saw me leaving Ethan’s apartment and he followed me down to my car. We went back up to his place to talk and—” Kate was going to flip her shit at this part. “—He asked me if I’d screwed Ethan. That started the fight.”
Kate threw out her hands. “Hold the damn phone. Noah actually asked you if you’d screwed the guy?” Kristina nodded. “I’m gonna freaking kill him. I swear to God.”
“Well, that’s how I felt, too. But somehow we ended up half naked with my thighs wrapped around his waist.” She smoothed her hands over her borrowed sweatpants. Maybe it made her a glutton for punishment, but she didn’t regret being with Noah again. She loved him too much for that, even if what they’d done hadn’t exactly been making love.
“That shit’s a shame because it’s freaking hot, but then he went and ruined it.”
“It was freaking hot,” Kristina said. “But, yeah.”
Kate grasped her hand. “I’m so sorry, honey. I really am. I know you’ve wanted this—him—for a long time now. But it sounds like maybe Noah’s as fucked-up as he says he is. In which case, you can’t fix him, you know?”
The thought of him being fucked-up…and unfixable…made Kristina’s throat go tight. It just broke her heart, not because she couldn’t have him, but because she hated that he was hurting. Even if he’d hurt her, too.
“No matter how magical your hooha is,” Kate said with a grin and a wink.
Surprisingly, Kristina managed a small laugh. Then she shook her head. “I don’t think I can go back. The thought of spending time with him but having to hold all this in, not being able to act on it or express it, not being able to touch him—just the idea of having to deny my emotions…it hurts. It hurts a lot.”
“Yeah,” Kate said, regret plain in her voice. “I get it.”
More of that pricking sensation at the backs of her eyes. “But doesn’t that mean I have to give him up completely? If he won’t let us try to be something more and I can’t go back to being just friends, what does that leave?”
Kate squeezed her hand. “It leaves almost twenty years of amazing memories that will never go away.”
A small sob caught in the back of Kristina’s throat. “I don’t want it to be over.”
“Aw, honey. I know.”
“But it is whether or not I want it to be, isn’t it?” Kristina asked, hugging herself against the sensation that her chest was splitting wide apart. Kate nodded. “Then I guess that’s it. After all these years, I guess Noah and I are really over for good.”
Chapter Nineteen
If Noah thought he’d been a wreck before rejecting Kristina’s love, it was nothing compared to how he felt after.
He had no appetite and didn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep without seeing the crushed look on her face when he’d lied about not loving her. Hell, he couldn’t even tolerate being awake, because his brain wouldn’t stop replaying her voice saying that they were done.
And every bit of it was his own damn fault.
He hadn’t gotten out of bed for most of the past four days because he’d been too damn depressed. And when he hadn’t been able to get an appointment with his doctor for a physical until Thursday afternoon, he’d seen no reason to go to fight club Tuesday night. And the appointment earlier this afternoon was the only reason he’d bothered to get out of bed today. Otherwise, he’d probably still be laying there in the dimness, stuck right on the edge of sleep but never actually falling, every so often waking up his phone to reread the last text message Kristina had sent him.
I don’t want to have a good time, Noah. I just want you.
I just want you.
Jesus, those words were an agony.
Noah hadn’t turned his phone back on to see them until after he’d fucked everything up. Not that seeing her text sooner probably would’ve made a difference to how that night had gone down or the piss-poor choices he’d made. Because even on his best of days, he was still too many shades of fucked up.
On top of all that, Noah’s energy level was for shit, and getting to the doctor’s office had taken way more effort than he had it in him to make. The only thing that kept him from bailing on fight club again was stepping on the scale during his physical…and finding that he’d lost sixteen pounds since his last appointment less than a month before.
Noah was well on his way to actually becoming nothing.
Which was why he’d driven
directly from the medical park to the Full Contact MMA training center, only detouring enough to pick up some fast food, and then waited the two hours until class time. A part of him felt like he was walking a very fine line between still being able to pull himself back up the cliff he’d fallen down or just letting himself fall the rest of the way.
Falling would be so much fucking easier.
But he didn’t want to be a coward, and he didn’t want to be a fucking tragedy, either.
Finally, class time arrived, and Noah made his way down to the gym, paperwork in hand. Inside, he walked up to Mack, who gave him a big open smile.
“Welcome back, Cortez,” he said.
“Thanks,” Noah said, handing over his form. “All squared away.”
“Good.” Mack’s dark eyes scanned over the sheet, and then cut back up to Noah. “You doing okay?”
Noah nodded. “I’m five by five.” He wasn’t actually doing good, but the numbness that had washed through him over the past few hours was so much better than the pain that had wracked him during the past few days that it didn’t entirely feel like a lie.
One of Mack’s eyebrows went up, just the littlest bit, but enough to reveal his skepticism. “All right, then,” he finally said. “Head on out and start warming up.”
Noah found a spot on the mats. He’d come to class earlier this time than last, so there were only about a half dozen people here so far.
The woman sitting closest to him turned and gave him a smile. “Hey, you were here on Saturday, right?” she asked. “I’m Daniela England. Everyone calls me Dani.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Noah Cortez.”
The woman had long shiny black hair pulled back into a low pony tail, light brown skin, and striking big brown eyes. “Well, welcome, Noah. You’ll like this place. It’s a great group of people.”
“Thanks,” he said as more people joined them on the mat. He exchanged greetings with Billy, who introduced him to Sean Riddick, the guy who’d come in late the last time he’d been here. Sean was apparently former Navy and Dani a former Army nurse. Noah enjoyed learning how varied everyone’s backgrounds were, yet they were all united by their service to country. And Billy was right about Sean and Dani making a sport of driving each other crazy, because they started in on it the minute Sean sat down.