and pass countless asteroids. We pas a blue loosely ringed giant planet with moons. We pass massive round gray object with pock marks of fire along the surface, through a giant fountain of lava shooting up from its surface, then still further through asteroids of rocks and scattered ice, now to multicolored and mostly blue gas, then to a bluish nebula and so many infant stars, past it through so many stars to a view of superclusters of galaxies, past so many galaxies, through a peculiar galaxy past neighboring galaxies, back through nebulae, to a spiral galaxy, which is--
EXT. THE MILKY WAY--NIGHT
We hurl in through the arms and dust of the middle outer rim, through uncounted stars, a foggy cloud of blue debris, past a comet. A very distant white speck emerges and we orbit around and downward, by many circles passing dirty rocks and ice at large intervals between the dwarf planets of our far outer solar system!
We pass brown-white Sedna, oblong gray 2003 EL61 with its two tiny moons, round muddy reddish 2005 FY9, charcoal purplish Orcus, light blue-gray Quaoar, light brown Varuna, and larger than any of these, silvery-white Eris with its moon, slightly smaller light brown and white Pluto with dark gray and very large moon Charon, and two other specks of moons.
We clear asteroids to the blue gas giant Neptune, to larger blue-green Uranus, the much larger mystery of Saturn, still larger Jupiter, through many asteroids and a speck in comparison, dark brown dwarf planet Ceres.
We clear the asteroids to larger Mars, and blue, green and white, larger Earth!
EXT. EARTH--NIGHT
The night side of Earth is visible, northwest America aglow in her brilliant night lights. We pass eastward through night to dusk in the Rocky Mountains, sparsely lit, to Utah, to Utah Valley, down to the city, down, down, down to small houses, to a house, to a yard, to a basement window, through the basement window.
INT. HOUSE--NIGHT
TWO MEN, twenty-five, play a fighting video game in front of a large television.
MAN ONE moves in for the kill, and lo, MAN TWO is the very same as the Mysterious Man who shooed us away at the beginning of our voyage. But both these men are in ordinary Earth garb. Man two throws down his controller, defeated, and spits words of contempt.
MAN TWO
Bon gali-gali gawan baktu! Mat non! Mat non!
He slouches in a ball of defeat, back to the couch.
MAN ONE
Yeah, whatever, man.
Man two waves his hand as if to ward off man one.
MAN TWO
Bon gali-gali gawan bagan baktu! Mat non!
Man two suddenly makes eye contact with us, the Visitors, as we hover over his scene. He and we stare at each other.
His eyes reveal confusion; they say: "Do I recognize you?"
Man one does not notice us, and stares contentedly at the television.
Man two murmurs an overwhelmed sound of recognition and fear.
MAN ONE
Yeah, whatever, man.
FADE OUT:
THE END
THE CRIME OF PASSION
FADE IN:
INT. LUDVIG VAN BEETHOVEN'S HOME--DAY
Beethoven's home looks exactly like Beethoven's home. The front door of his guest room is open. LUDVIG VAN BEETHOVEN, white, German, fifty-two, stout, keen, and irascible with an intermittent plucky happiness, and a face something like a bulldog, sits at his piano, head framed by giant ear horns.
He plays three notes of the main theme of the fourth movement of his symphony in development.
The TRAVELER, white, twenty-five, a cosmopolitan western-American hipster, strolls through the front door, portable music player attached with ear buds to his ears as he listens to music. He pauses his music player and watches Beethoven.
Beethoven plays three notes from Ode to Joy.
The Traveler smiles in recognition.
TRAVELER
Wow!
BEETHOVEN
Ah! Guten Tag! Ludvig Van--
TRAVELER
I know. Here, you'll love this.
To Beethoven's confusion, the traveler puts the ear buds of his music player up to Beethoven's ears. Wonderful music--we may only guess what--fills Beethoven and overtakes his soul. He throws down the ear horns, and eyes the music player with amazement and greed. He NEEDS that music player. He moves to snatch it from the Traveler's hands.
BEETHOVEN
(in German)
GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!
The Traveler seizes it back.
TRAVELER
No! It's mine!
Beethoven reaches for a candlestick over the piano, but decides against it. He grabs the Traveler by the vest and pulls him into his kitchen.
TRAVELER
I'm just lending, you can't--
Beethoven seizes a sharp-pointed butcher knife, and stabs it at the Traveler's heart with one brutal and deft stroke--THUNK.
The Traveler collapses to the kitchen floor. We see his eyes wide open, shocked, and motionless.
INT. LUDVIG VAN BEETHOVEN'S HOME--DAY
Beethoven listens to a song on the music player. He dances to it.
He dances to another song.
He stands in rapt attention and weeps at the beauty of another song. He looks puzzled. He looks at the music player expectantly.
The player shows a low battery indicator. Its light goes out.
BEETHOVEN
Nein!
Frantic, he pushes the power button, and the play button. He shakes the player. He taps it.
BEETHOVEN
NEIN!
He comes to the dead Traveler and shakes his frame in anger and desperation.
BEETHOVEN
(In German)
Make it live! Make it live again!
FADE OUT:
THE END
THE DARK LORD SINGS, EPISODE I: THE SWIPED AIRS
FADE IN:
EXT. DARKNESS--NIGHT
TITLE:
Please understand I hold you in the highest respect...
FADE OUT:
CUT TO:
TITLE:
THE DARK LORD SINGS
Over a backdrop of glittery stars,
A TITLE ROLL SCROLLS INTO INFINITY:
“EPISODE I
THE SWIPED AIRS
The galaxy is so totally not free. The Jedi, guardians of peace--like Democrats, except with LIGHTSABERS!--they just lost a majorly bad battle with the super bad Sith Lords. So this evil lord Darth Sonar--evil like a Republican, except with a LIGHTSABER!--in the battle, he stole a secret decoder ring, and the scores for some films--guess which films?! Plus, the decoder ring showed him secret lyrics in the scores--lyrics for a major epic, like, SPACE OPERA! Man, this is taking forever! Anyway, so then these Rebel guys--like Democrats, except without LIGHTSABERS!--well they would really rather totally not let this secret out, so they started chasing Sonar, and he's racing home, to share like the best find, like, ever...”
FADE TITLE OUT:
PAN DOWN TO:
Darth Sonar's gray, bulky yet sleek starfighter, decorated with chrome punk-styled studs and spikes, is pursued by a colossal, bulky, well-greebled Corillian-style cruiser.
INT. SONAR'S FIGHTER--night
DARTH SONAR, white, thirty-five, and a wiry, angry, flighty punk who somehow comes across as a person with a soul, blankly stares ahead as laser artillery fire (from the cruiser) bears down on his ship. All the artillery deflects from his ship's shield in flashes of light. He recites singing warm-up scales.
SONAR
(sings, staccato)
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
A blue cast falls over the cockpit as his ship approaches:
EXT. ADERSALLIS MERSALLUS 2C--DAY
Sonar's ship approaches a blue and green desert moon, which orbits a spectacularly large, beautiful, green gas giant planet, which has rings. The gas giant itself is a twin: with it is another, larger, blue, ringed gas giant.
His ship slams into the moon's atmosphere, and throws fire in every direction. He remains collected, and passively
recites singing exercises.
The Cruiser slams into the atmosphere in pursuit. It's artillery bombardment stops.
EXT. ADERSALLIS MERSALLUS 2C--DAY
Darth Sonar's ship near-approaches a miles-high-tower. The Corillian cruiser which follows opens fire, with laser artillery, on both the tower and ship.
INT. SONAR'S SHIP--DAY
Sonar deactivates his fighter's front shield, opens a hatchway, and jumps out toward the tower. His ship's front shield activates again, and the ship circles the tower on auto-pilot.
He soars down toward a platform, pulls out a key-chain with a button, presses it, and the tower shield deactivates. He extends his hand out toward the tower, and his fall slows enough for him to--
EXT. DARK TOWER BALCONY--DAY
In the beautiful glow of sunset, Sonar falls from the sky and lands gently and gracefully on a high tower balcony, and pushes the button on his key-chain to activate the tower's shield a moment too late:
While most of the laser artillery from the Corillian cruiser vainly pounds the shield, two lasers clear it, and blast giant boulders out of the tower. The boulders crash and crumble down the sides of the tower toward the valley floor.
He is enraged.
SONAR
YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARGH!
Artillery pounds the tower shield as Sonar carefully watches, the button on a key-chain loosely clenched in his teeth.
All action freezes, except for him.
The rocks which had been falling stop, suspended mid-air. He removes the shield key from his mouth, and looks at us.
SONAR
So I was chatting with this girl online and it turned out she's in my solar neighborhood, so we started going out. And I thought everything was going well when one day she says to me:
(imitates girl)
"It's like every day I give you another Care Bear Stare, but then the next day you need another Care Bear Stare, and I'm running out of Care Bear Stares!"
(himself again)
That was the end of her...what do you think? Do you think I need a Care Bear Stare? Do you think that would do me any good? Think it might change me?
He waits for an answer from us.
In voice-over, many young children say in chorus: "No!"
SONAR
You're probably right--but remember, children, everybody deserves a Care Bear Stare. So BRING IT ON!!
All action resumes.
With a THUNDEROUS BOOM the fallen boulders impact the valley floor. Sonar puts the shield key loosely in his mouth, watches the artillery a bit longer, and extends one palm toward the balcony ground behind him. He lifts slightly off the balcony as if by magic (indeed the Force), then bites the button. The shields over the tower vanish, and two laser artillery hit him dead on, though he deflects them with deft maneuvers of his lightsaber. He bites the key-chain again and the shield raises. More lasers hit the shield, but:
BLAM BLAM! With incredible explosions and light, the deflected lasers take out the cruiser's shield generator and a main engine.
The cruiser plummets to the valley floor, and impacts with an explosive crash and thunderous skid. It spews and displaces mountains of dust and fire.
Sonar's ship auto-lands on the platform behind him.
He shuts off his lightsaber.
SONAR
And I'm like--yeah, whatever!--this is MY TOWER, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TOWERING HERE?!
All silent from the valley floor.
He puffs up, and pushes his chest out at the crashed cruiser, in a show of "manliness." He scoffs.
SONAR
Yeah, I've got better things to do--WAIT, THE SCORES!--oh, wait...
He pulls music booklets out of his cloak, and sighs in relief.
SONAR
Phew! They're right here. Of course.
He reads the scores as he walks to an open passage.
INT. FILM ROOM--NIGHT
Sonar sits and decodes writing in the scores via a secret decoder ring.
SONAR
Oh yes, yes indeed...this is good!
He looks at us and speaks to us.
SONAR
I'm in the mood to watch these again to pick up the music. Care to join me? Never mind. I didn't welcome you here. Strange observers from another universe. You disturb me. Get out of here.
Nothing happens.
SONAR
Fine. Whatever.
INT. FILM ROOM--NIGHT
Sonar watches "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK" from a VHS player, on a simple cathode-ray tube television.
SONAR
Darth Vader, I so admire the guy! He is so...BAD!
Music is dubbed over: the Imperial March, or "Darth Vader's Theme."
EXT. DARK TOWER BALCONY--NIGHT
Glorious celestial phenomena, such as super-dense star fields, etc. and the ringed gas giant Adersallis Mersallus 2C backdrop a beautiful sunset view of a desert valley under Sonar's dark fortress tower.
Note: in the following "music video" scenes, liberally intersperse whatever footage is appropriate or works. Examples are given, but play with it.
We see video clips from "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK," particularly of Darth Vader, for example:
He Force-strangles Captain Needa.
He marches through a hallway of Bespin City.
He clashes lightsabers with Luke Skywalker.
Sonar serenades us with the lyrics he has decoded from the pages in his possession:
SONAR
(sings, to "Darth Vader's Theme")
He is bad, he is bad, he is bad! / He is bad, man he's bad, he is bad! / Bad, bad-bad-bad-dad bad ba-dad-a-dad, bad-bad-bad bu-dad-a-dad, bud-bad one bad dad, one bad dad! / Bad, bad-bad-ba-dad bad ba-dad-a-dad, bud-bad-bud bu-dad-a-dad, bad-bud one bad dad, one bad dad!
The music ends, and he looks at us blankly.
SONAR
This music has been on your planet for how many years, and how many millions of you have heard it...and this obvious lyric occurred to how many of you? You people.
In a quick flash, he ignites his lightsaber and slashes at our "head," and sparks and flashes of light mix with digital noise-laden monitor scan-lines.
CUT TO BLACK:
INT. FILM ROOM--NIGHT
Sonar watches the end of "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK." In the video, Luke stands next to Leia in a Rebel ship hangar, which overlooks a spectacular, wide view of a galaxy.
Music is dubbed over: “Han and Leia's theme” from the finale to "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK."
We are treated to video clips of Han and Leia's relationship through "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK," for example:
They bicker in the hallway of the Rebel base on Hoth.
They smooch in the close quarters of Han's ship.
In the carbonite chamber, Leia mouths: "I love you!"
Han replies: "I know."
SONAR
(sings, to "Han and Leia's theme")
They're Han and Leia, yeah / They're Han and Leia, ye-a-ah / They're Han and Leia, but, he's frozen so it's Luke-and-Le-e-ia just for now / But-that's-not-right, that shoul-dn't be that co-ouu-ldn't be be-cause they're--well just see, just wait and see--/ I hope they find that Jabba fiend and stra-angle him and set Han Solo free...
The music breaks for one beat, then restarts, repeated from the same stanza:
SONAR
(sings)
And blow up Jabba's barge, with all those fil-thy a-li-ens for / Han and Leia yeah, oh Han and Leia YEAH!
He breaks off as the opening stanzas of the credit title music begin. He turns to us and blankly stares, and instantly ignites his lightsaber and cuts off our "head" again.
CUT TO BLACK:
INT. FILM ROOM--NIGHT
Sonar watches "RETURN OF THE JEDI," and mimes the lines with his mouth.
In the video, Luke speaks with Leia on a rope bridge in the Ewok village.
CUT BETWEEN:
Sonar's mime of the lines with video from the movie.
LUKE (V.O.)
The Forc
e runs strong in my family...I have it...my Father has it...and...my Sister has it.
Sonar imitates Luke's bug-eyed, bear-down stare at Leia.
SONAR
If you have not seen the original "STAR WARS" Trilogy, it is now time--or I highly recommend--that you pause this video, obtain a copy of it, and watch it through. Then, please come back to this video. Because this is spoiler territory, people. Even though the films have been released and celebrated by heaven-knows-how-many-people for many years, there remains a minority--my first girlfriend was one of them--who have never seen the films.
He waits.
SONAR
No, seriously. Please.
He waits.
SONAR
Watched them now? They were pretty good, weren't they? Okay. Let's continue.
He mimes the video with his mouth again.
Cut between his mouth mimes and the video again.
LEIA (V.O.)
I know...somehow...I've always known.
Cue music: "Luke and Leia" (suite from the Star Wars trilogy album, based on theme from "RETURN OF THE JEDI")
We are treated to montages that demonstrate Luke and Liea's relationship.
SONAR
(sings, to the theme of "Luke and Leia")
They're Luke and Leia / They're siblings and they know it now / They're Luke and Leia / And yes they've always known somehow / They're Luke and Leia / He's brother and she's sister wow / They're Luke and Leia / And yes they've always known, they've always known, they've known somehow /...
Etc. At this writing, the lyrics are to be finalized, e.g.:
SONAR
(sings)
Somehow / They're Luke and Leia YES They're Luke and Leia YES that's Luke and that's Leia YES that's Luke and that's Leia.../ They're Luke and Leia / They're siblings and they know it now / They're Luke and Leia / And yes they've always known somehow / They're Luke and Leia...
The music montage ends.
Sonar speaks to us.
SONAR
Isn't it beautiful? And stupid? Like people. Beautiful. And stupid. Yes...like you people...
He again quickly ignites and slashes his lightsaber at our "head," but the slash is blocked by a lightsaber!
SIDE VIEW OF SONAR:
Sonar's lightsaber blade is engaged with a lightsaber held by MONITOR HEAD, who is a person with a large LCD or computer monitor for a head. On the monitor is displayed footage of the head of a passive twenty-five-year-old white man, a pallid, weak, numb-brained goof, who gawks stupidly at Sonar.
SONAR
Ooh, what is this?! Very nice!
MONITOR HEAD
Huh-huh. I'm so clever.
Each swipes at the other with their lightsabers, and each blocks. They duel. Their swords buzz and crash at a tempo which rapidly increases. Monitor Head stupidly laughs the whole time.
SONAR
(to us)
You may not have realized it, but from my point of view, or when you are watching me over the Internet, you look like this!
(points at Monitor Head's head)
Now this was very smart of you--
MONITOR HEAD
Huh-huh. I know--
SONAR
But even if you have an ad-blocker, a filter, an anti-virus suite, and the whole works, do you know, you cannot be wholly shielded from the corruptible influence of the world. No