She nods her head, and I don’t say anything else. We lie together with no words, and I enjoy the touch of her body against mine until we finally decide to crawl out of bed.
We spend a slow morning downstairs, drinking coffee and hanging out. I want to ask her about how she’s feeling with her parents, but I decide to hold off because I don’t want to upset her. So instead, I flip on the TV and we kick back on the couch. Just another excuse to have my arms around her.
Candace stayed over with me a couple more times this past week. Jase is back in town, so she’s been spending time with him and a lot of time at the dance studio to get in some solo rehearsals before classes start back up next week. Work has been a little busier with the quarter break ending and students coming back into town, so Candace and I have been snagging time together for a few morning runs. Jase picked her up earlier today to hang out, so I’ll stop by his apartment to pick her up after I get off work tonight.
When I walk into the bar, I spot Mel and Max and head over. The other bartenders have everything under control, so I take a seat next to Max to catch up since he took the past week off.
“Good to see you back up here,” I tell him. “How was your Christmas?”
“I got to meet all of Traci’s family.”
“Yeah? How’d that go?”
“Cut the small talk and just tell him,” Mel pipes in as she leans her elbows on the bar.
“Tell me what?” I ask.
“She’s pregnant,” he says to me with a straight face, and I can’t tell if he’s happy about this or not.
“Is this good news or bad news?” I ask him.
Setting his drink down, he admits, “I don’t know. It’s shocking news.”
“How does she feel about it?”
“Scared. It wasn’t something we had even talked about, and now here we are, not sure what this means for us.”
“You two just need to talk and be honest with each other,” Mel tells him.
“Like you talk to Zane?” he responds with a chuckle.
She smiles and holds her hands up, surrendering, “Hey, I never take my own advice, I just dish it out.”
“Have you heard from him?” I ask her.
“He came home for a couple of days, but it was awkward. All he can talk about is how happy he is in L.A. How happy he is to finally be recording an album. He’s my husband, and I’m clueless to what his life is like out there.”
“You’re choosing to be clueless,” Max tells her. “You could easily pack your shit up and be with him.”
“He doesn’t want me to be. He told me that before he moved there.”
Max looks over to me, surprised about that little fact that Mel had told me about when it happened. I haven’t talked to Zane since he left, so I don’t have any idea what’s going on with him.
“Enough of our shit. How did everything with Candace go?” Max asks and immediately Mel’s eyes widen. I’ve never mentioned anything about this to her.
“Who’s Candace?”
“A friend,” I cautiously tell her, but my words are deceived when I see the look Max is giving me.
“You lie,” she says to me. “I’m your only female friend. Have been for the past four years.”
I keep a straight face, not sure what to say about Candace, and she picks up on my seriousness when she says, “I knew something was going on.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just been noticing your moods these past few months. You’re quiet. Well, more than usual,” she laughs softly. “Your distance with Gavin, girls . . .” she shrugs her shoulders and adds, “Everything really. So who is this chick?”
“A friend of Jase and Mark’s,” I tell her and then turn to Max to answer his original question. He knew I was taking her home with me for Christmas, so I tell him, “It went better than expected.”
“It wasn’t too awkward?”
“What are we talking about?” Mel questions.
“I took her to Oregon.”
“What the hell have I missed? You took her to meet your family?” she nearly squeals.
“And no,” I say as I turn back to Max. “It wasn’t awkward.”
“So things are good with you two?” he asks.
“Yeah, man. Things are perfect.”
Laughing, Mel says, “How ironic, out of the three of us, Ryan is the one without any hang-ups.” She turns to grab a bottle of beer and then says, “I need a drink,” before walking away.
I spend most of the night in my office going over supply orders and inventory, double-checking Michael’s work to make sure he’s handling his shit. I’m not seeing anything out of place, so I call it a night around ten o’clock and head over to Jase’s.
When he opens the door, I see Candace lying on his couch.
“She’s passed out,” Jase tells me. “She’s been tired all night.”
“What did you guys do?”
“Mark came over for a while and we had dinner. Just hung out though,” he says as I walk around the couch to see her sleeping under a blanket.
Sitting down next to her, I lift her head into my lap and run my hand through her hair, telling Jase, “I haven’t seen him since you guys got back from Ohio.”
He sits down in the chair and watches my hand in her hair before shifting his eyes to me, explaining, “He’s been working on some new songs, so he’s been busy. Why don’t you meet up with us tomorrow before we head up to the bar?”
“I can’t. I’ve got to be there early, but I’ll catch up with you guys later,” I say as Candace begins to stir and wake up.
Her eyes open as she rolls her head to look up at me. “What’s going on?” she mumbles as she sits up.
“Nothing. Just got here.”
She lets out a yawn and lazily leans into me, asking Jase, “What’re you guys talking about?”
“Mark’s gig at the bar tomorrow.”
Giving her arm a soft squeeze, I suggest, “You should come.”
“Umm . . .”
Jase laughs at her and says, “Just come. You still have never heard Mark play. It’ll be fun.”
“I don’t know.”
“We’ll all be there,” he says, trying to convince her.
She keeps her eyes on Jase, and when he gives her a nod and says, “Come on. One night,” she gives in to him.
“Okay. Fine,” she sighs, and I watch as Jase gets an almost victorious smile on his face, not understanding why it’s such a big deal for her to go out.
“Wipe that smile off your face, Jase,” she scolds with humor. “You’re embarrassing me.”
Before their banter can continue, I say, “Come on, babe. Let’s go. It’s getting late,” as I stand up and take her hand.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow,” Jase tells her and she walks over to hug him goodbye. “I’ll call you.”
“Night, Jase,” she says.
“Bye, guys.”
We take the elevator down and she asks, “Why is Jase picking me up and not you?”
“I have to be there early to get some work done so I can take the night off and not have to worry about going in too much this next week. But I’ll be there when you and Jase get there.”
When the elevator opens, we step out to go back to my place for the night.
“Ryan, how’ve you been?” Mark says when he walks in with Chasten, the drummer of the band.
“Good, man. How was Ohio?”
“Great. We got a ton of snow, so we were stuck at the house for a couple of days, but we survived,” he chuckles.
“Survived?”
“If you knew the women in my family, you’d be scared to be cooped up with them during a snow storm. Luckily, my sisters are like a fresh new toy for Jase, so he just sits back and laughs at their shit while I try and find a way to escape it.”
“So I take it you’re glad to be back then,” I tease.
“Yeah. Oh, hey, Jase said Candace was coming up here tonight. Is that true?”
“Is
there something I should know about Candace that I’m not getting?” I ask as I follow him over to the stage so he can start setting up with the guys.
“What do you mean?”
“Why don’t you tell me why you’re so surprised by the fact that she’s coming here?” I question. Maybe I shouldn’t, but curiosity gets me.
He sets his guitar down and then turns to me. “Candace likes to avoid crowded places.”
“I get that. I just can’t figure out why,” I tell him, hoping he’ll throw me a clue, but he doesn’t.
“She’s slow to open up, but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that,” he says.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Just be patient with her.” He leaves it at that, and I accept the advice because that’s all I can do. I wanna get into my girl’s head and unfold everything inside. Patience isn’t my strong suit, but it’s the only hand I have to play with her.
I go upstairs to get a few files from Michael’s desk, and when I walk in, I look out his large window that overlooks the back lot and see Jase’s SUV as he turns in. I find the files I need and then watch as Candace steps out of the car. God, I’m falling for this girl. I’m wound up just thinking about getting to spend time with her tonight.
Her back is to the building, so I can’t see her face, and I wonder what she’s staring at as she stands there. Jase says something to her but she remains standing next to the dumpsters. When she finally moves, her heel catches on the pavement, and she takes a hard fall onto her bottom. As soon as she hits the ground, I watch, numb, trying to make sense of what I’m seeing. She’s freaking out, frantically stumbling back on her hands. Jase rushes over and huddles down in front of her, picking her up, and I can faintly hear her screaming.
I snap out of my trance. Tossing the files, I run down the stairs and fly out the back door to see the both of them back in Jase’s car. Candace is crying and screaming, and I stand there in near shock, confused as hell by what just happened. As her eyes find mine, she throws her hands against the dash and yells at him hysterically as he peels out of the parking lot.
“Candace!” I yell after her as the car pops the curb when Jase hits the main street.
She’s gone, and I don’t have a clue what the hell is going on, but I’m freaked out at what I just saw. I don’t even think about going back in, I just take the keys that are in my pocket to go to the one place I know she’ll be.
While I drive to Jase’s apartment building, hitting every damn red light, I replay what happened and try to figure out what she saw that triggered her like that. I pull up to the building and throw my car in park when it hits me.
Holy shit.
Chills prick my arms, and I swear my gut hollows out when the memory of that night floods me.
Oh my God.
She was standing right there. She’s small. She’s timid. Scared.
No. Get your shit together. It’s not her.
My mind is racing faster than I’m able to keep up with. I feel like I’m out of my body and can’t decipher reality from my fucked up head-trips. If Candace was her, I would know.
I would know, right?
I sit in my car as I feel my emotions swarm into a rotation of visions I wish I could just forget. All I can see is that girl. Her beaten face, her naked, bloody body.
“Fuck!” I slam my fists into the steering wheel, desperately trying to rid the memories, but they’re too vivid. I don’t even want to think about that girl being Candace. It’s too fucked up. Pressing my palms against my forehead, I attempt to pull myself together. I know Candace is with Jase, and I just want her to be with me.
Pressing my head back against the seat, I squeeze my eyes shut and attempt to refocus on the fact that Candace is upset and that I need to get my shit together and quick. I take a few moments and sit here in silence before I finally get out of my car.
On the elevator ride up, I take some deep breaths, and calm myself before I knock on the door. When Jase opens it, he immediately tells me, “Man, it’s not a good time.”
But I don’t care. I just want her. “Where is she?” I ask as I move past him and start walking to his bedroom when I see she isn’t in his living room.
“Ryan, just give her space,” he yells out to me, but I don’t even acknowledge him when I open the door to his room and see my girl sitting on the edge of the bed sobbing.
The sight of her slows me down—stops me. She looks up, and her face is soaked with tears. I feel like the slightest move on my part could snap her, so I gently shut the door behind me and walk over, kneeling on the ground in front of her. I brace my hands on her knees, and I’m at a loss with her. Confused. But she doesn’t let me dwell on it when she opens her mouth and begins to cry out, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m . . .”
I reach my arm behind her back and drag her off of the bed and onto my lap. “What happened, babe?”
“I’m so sorry,” she continues to say with her hands masking her face.
I hold on to her while she cries, and I’m desperate for answers. Wrapping my hands around her wrists, I move her hands from her face so I can see her. I hate that she’s hiding from me. “I need you to talk to me.”
She avoids my eyes when she tries explaining, “I just . . . I got myself too worked up and had a panic attack. I know you wanted me there tonight, but I couldn’t.”
She’s still hiding from me, and I’m unsure of how much I should push the issue, so I simply ask, “Why couldn’t you just tell me?”
“I was embarrassed,” she says when she finally looks at me. “This has happened a few times in the past, but only Jase knows that I have these.”
My gut is telling me not to believe her. That she’s lying to me. But hearing the pain in her words makes the lie okay in a way. She’s not opening up to me, and I need her to so badly. Have her trust me. Have her run to me instead of Jase. So I tell her that because I don’t know what else to say to her.
“You could’ve come to me. Jase isn’t the only one you have, you know? I need you to trust me enough to talk to me. I understand you and Jase, but I know how I feel about you.” I tell her this because watching her run away from me like she did hurt. Like I’m not enough for her to want me like that, and I need her to, for me.
“I want you to need me more than him,” I finally tell her, hoping I didn’t just sound like an ass for saying it, but I have to say it.
“He’s all I’ve ever had.”
When she says this, I know I have a lot to prove to this girl who clearly doesn’t trust so easily. I take her hand and press it against my chest, needing her to know how serious I am when I say, “You have me now too.”
I know my words get through to her when she fists my shirt in her hand and slings her other arm around my neck, hugging me close. I feel her tears running down my neck as I hold on to her, so I sit here with her on the floor until she calms down and relaxes under my arms.
Brushing her hair behind her shoulder, I kiss her below her ear before whispering, “Let’s go home.”
She pulls back and looks up at me. I wipe her cheeks and cup her face in my hands when she says, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Hearing those selfless words does something to me. And I’m becoming more aware, every day that I have with her, just how much I’m feeling for her.
I press my lips against hers because I don’t know how to respond to her words. So I kiss her, but I don’t move, I just take in the warmth of her lips against mine, and it’s all I need right now. This is enough.
Coming back to my place, Candace is still being very quiet, but I’m not saying much either. I watch as she walks up to my room, and I give her some space while I grab a beer from the fridge. When I do head upstairs, she’s in the bathroom with the door shut, taking a shower. I’m noticing that she takes a lot of those, but figure that right now, she probably wants to be left alone.
I go back downstairs and flop down on the couch, mindlessly flipping through the channels before stopp
ing on ESPN. I can’t even focus because my head is still upstairs with Candace. I keep replaying what I saw from Michael’s office over and over until I hear the creak of the wooden floor. Turning around, I see her standing at the foot of the stairs. As I walk over to her, I can see she’s tired.
“You need anything?” I ask, and she shakes her head.
We walk over to the couch, and she lays her head against me as we sit here. Neither one of us says anything. I know she’s embarrassed about what I saw, so I don’t mention another word about it.
After watching the football highlights and catching the score updates, I say, “Let’s go lie down.”
Shutting everything off, we head upstairs and crawl into bed. I pull her onto her side, facing me, and hold her close. Her eyes are closed, and I’m sure she’s tired, but I lean down anyway and brush my lips across hers, wanting to be close to her. She reaches up and runs her hand along my jaw as she moves with me. We lie there, no words, in the darkness, as we continue to kiss, and after a while, she shifts down on me, resting her head on my chest and falls asleep.
She keeps me up though. Her sleep grows restless, and I watch her as she begins to tremble. I rub her back, wondering, yet again, what’s running through her head. She had a night like this just the other day, but I didn’t say anything to her about it when she woke up. My need to comfort her overwhelms me, and I want to take her out of the dream that’s haunting her.
I add pressure as I continue to rub her back, trying to wake her subtly, but she startles me when she springs out of her sleep, choking in a hard gasp as she abruptly sits up. I’m up next to her, holding on to her shoulders while her whole body shakes.
“Hey,” I whisper. “Are you okay?”
Nodding her head, she takes in a deep breath and holds it for a second before slowly releasing it.
“Come here,” I urge as I lay her back down with me, and she snuggles in close. Smoothing her hair back, I kiss her forehead. “Talk to me,” I say on a hush.
“I’m okay,” she tries to assure me.
“Babe . . .”