Buck
July 10, 1980
Dear Dad,
Mom said you were in the hospital. I hope you get well soon. I have a paper route now, but I only have to deliver two days a week. It’s mostly advertisements and some local news. Mrs. Dalton gave me a $1.00 tip when I went to collect. I’m saving my money to help Mom.
I hope you’re better soon.
David Knowles
544 Klondike Avenue #304
Fairbanks, Alaska 99701
August 1, 1980
Dear David, Lindy, Doug and Christopher,
Thank you for your cards and letters while I was in the hospital. They meant a lot to me. I’m feeling great now. Thank your mother for me, too.
I’m going to be much better now. I heard about a job in Alaska and that’s where I’m living. The money is good and if I get on this crew, I’ll be able to send a check to your mother on a regular basis.
I love you. Be good for your mom.
Love,
Dad
JILLIAN LAWTON GORDON
331 WEST END AVENUE
APARTMENT 1020
NEW YORK, NY 10023
October 3, 1980
Dearest Lesley and Kids,
It was so good to hear from you. It’s been far too long. We can’t let this much time go by without at least a quick phone call.
Life just doesn’t seem to slow down for me. I know it’s the same for you. You’re a marvel; you always have been. I didn’t fully appreciate everything you accomplish until Monty and I had Leni Jo.
By the way, I’ve learned something about Monty that completely took me by surprise. He wasn’t free to tell me until a few days ago, but he’s been deeply involved in the ABSCAM investigation. That’s the reason he was working so much overtime during the past few months. His office cooperated with the FBI to catch legislators taking bribes from rich Arabs. Just this afternoon Representative Myers was expelled from Congress, the first member since 1861.
Now that the worst of it is over, he’s taking a vacation at my insistence. We both desperately need one. Leni Jo barely knows her father.
This is incredible news about Buck. He’s actually paying you child support? I don’t know how he managed to get that job in Alaska, but I’m grateful he’s taking some responsibility for supporting his children. Just beware, Lesley—we both know him, and a leopard doesn’t change his spots. His intentions might be good now, but don’t forget how unreliable he’s always been.
You haven’t mentioned our friendly international newscaster lately. What do you hear from Cole? I realize he’s probably traveling back and forth between New York and Tehran, but surely he’s been able to squeeze in a trip to the West Coast? Tell me everything!
Thanks for checking up on my mother. The Mt. St. Helens’ eruption is the first time she’s had to deal with anything major since we lost my dad, and she appears to be handling things quite well. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to rely on strangers for information about her. I know you aren’t afraid of telling me the truth about her condition.
I only wish I could get back to Pine Ridge more often. We’ll be there for Christmas, and you and I can talk then. I do worry about her.
I’m sorry this is so short. Keep in touch.
Monty and I send our love, Leni Jo, too.
Jillian
Lesley’s Journal
October 21, 1980
The kids got another letter from Buck. They love hearing from their father and get so excited when the mail brings them even the briefest of communications. Dougie and Christopher immediately sat down and wrote him back. I found David reading his father’s letter again after dinner, and Lindy was in a bad mood all evening. Unfortunately that’s all too common these days. When I tried to find out what was troubling her, she screamed at me that the divorce was all my fault. I was the one who wanted it. I was the one who’d ruined our family.
Her accusations shocked me. I didn’t defend myself, and I didn’t enlighten her, either. For reasons I’ve never understood, she’s always been close to Buck. Of all my children, she’s the one who found our divorce the most difficult to accept. I left her sobbing pitifully in her room and then later went back to try to reason with her. That was a mistake. She threw Cole in my face, telling me how wrong it is for me to have another man in my life. She as good as threatened me. My daughter, blood of my blood, heart of my heart, said that if I married Cole she’d make sure our lives were a living hell. I have no intention of marrying Cole, but her words shook me.
I refuse to allow a child—a girl who hasn’t even turned thirteen—to dictate how I live my life. Despite that, I’ve been giving my relationship with Cole a lot of thought. We’ve written and he’s called several times, although the conversations have always been short, but we haven’t had a chance to meet. We both know that given the opportunity, we could so easily let ourselves fall in love. It’s premature to even think about this, but I know I’d be tempted if he asked me to marry him. However, that’s not likely to happen. Cole’s already married—to his career. Not only that, I’m coming into this relationship with four needy children. David’s already a teenager, and Lindy might as well be. This daughter of mine is full of attitude, all of it bad. God help me. Dougie and Christopher aren’t far behind.
I no longer know what’s right. I shouldn’t be making decisions for Cole. But I don’t want this to go any further. The minute we see each other again, I’ll convince myself we could make it work, and we can’t. I know that already even if Cole doesn’t.
In any event, my one experience of marriage has left me doubting myself—and doubting my ability to make the right choice.
Buck seems so genuine these days, but then he always does when he’s afraid he’s going to lose me for good. I’ll never forgive him if he builds up the children’s hopes and then doesn’t follow through on his promises. I’ve seen him do that countless times. If I could protect the children, I would, but he’s their father and they love him and need him.
One way and another, the subject of marriage is definitely on my mind. A wedding announcement arrived in the mail, along with Buck’s letter to the kids. Roy Kloster. He’s married now, to another doctor. I’m pleased for him and equally pleased that he considers me enough of a friend to send an announcement.
I’m grateful to be in school. I love every minute of it. I gave up my dream of being a nurse fourteen years ago and I’m not going to let anything destroy it a second time. Dr. Milton and his staff have been wonderfully supportive. Dr. Milton’s promised me a full-time position with his office once I graduate. His wife’s been working with him for years and wants to quit. They’re counting on me to step into that vacancy.
I may never find love or romance again, but I’ll have a fulfilling career. I’ve got my friends, my family and—finally—a healthy measure of self-respect.
Cole Greenberg
ABC News Network
7 West 66th St.
New York, NY 10023
November 5, 1980
Dear Lesley,
I haven’t heard from you in a couple of weeks and wasn’t sure if the mail had been delayed or if there was some other reason. That’s why I phoned. When we spoke, I heard the hesitation in your voice. You don’t need to explain or apologize.
Getting your letters and talking to you, however briefly, while I was in Tehran has lifted my spirits immensely. It’s made these long months reporting on the hostage situation more bearable.
You didn’t say why you don’t think it’s a good idea to continue this relationship, but I suspect I know. You’re looking for someone who can be a father to your children and a husband to you. I don’t blame you for that.
I have to be up-front with you, Lesley. I doubt that I’m husband or father material. My schedule takes me all over the world. I need the freedom to leave at a moment’s notice. I’m away so much of the time that relationships just don’t seem to work, no matter how hard I try.
I realize all this ta
lk of the future is premature, as you said yourself, but you were wise to bring it up. I value your honesty and your willingness to confront this now, before we invest our emotions in a relationship that’s headed down a dead-end road.
Perhaps the best way to close this letter is to let you know I’ve enjoyed your friendship these past few months.
God bless you, Lesley. I think we could have recaptured what we found in each another that day in Hawaii. The question is, would it have been the best thing for either one of us? You believe it wouldn’t, and I suppose you’re right. I have my work, and you have your children and the promise of a career.
When we first met in 1967, I found you smart and sweet and oh, so genuine. I was impressed by your honesty and your wisdom. That hasn’t changed.
Fondly,
C. Greenberg
December 11, 1980
Dear Daddy,
Someone shot John Lennon. I love his music. I’m really bummed and so are all my friends.
School is all right, I guess. David is the brain in the family.
Mom doesn’t have a boyfriend anymore.
Lindy
1982
Jillian’s Journal
January 1, 1982
Dearest Nick and Daddy,
Happy New Year. Leni Jo is three, and Monty and I would very much like to have a second child, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening. The medical advancements in infertility are incredible, but they’re expensive, time-consuming and they have a negative effect on my emotions.
Monty claims he’s content with one child if I am. The problem is, I was raised an only child and although I appreciate the advantages, I’m also well aware of the disadvantages. I’d so hoped for more children. I envy Lesley her siblings. Even now, as adults, they remain close, although Lesley and Mike are the only two who still live in Pine Ridge.
At this point, Monty and I have decided to leave the matter of more children in God’s hands, and I’m comfortable with that. I couldn’t have imagined myself making a statement like this even a year ago. It’s the kind of thing Lesley has often said and I’ve usually ignored. In fact, as I ease into my thirties, I’m more and more comfortable with the subject of God. The anger I felt toward Him (Her?) isn’t as strong as it was during my college years. Lesley’s never questioned her belief in a Supreme Being who guides our lives. She’s so confident, so secure in her faith. I wish I could be more like her in that regard, but I’m not.
As Leni Jo grows up, I find myself thinking more seriously about attending Mass again. Perhaps I will. That would make you happy, wouldn’t it, Daddy?
Lesley continues to thrive. Her ex is still in Alaska, although the pipeline work is complete. Buck seems to have a job of sorts, but he isn’t making the big money he was a couple of years ago. I don’t know exactly what he’s doing and I don’t care. Unfortunately, the family’s financial welfare still depends on Buck, although that’s less and less the case since Lesley will be working full-time by summer. I’m so proud of the way she’s managed to keep up with school, her job and the children’s needs. She’ll graduate in June and I’m hoping to surprise her and show up for the ceremony.
It’s hard to believe David’s in high school. What’s not hard to believe is the fact that he’s getting top grades. He reminds me so much of Lesley at this age.
Lindy is just the opposite. I worry about her. Lesley told me at Christmas that her fourteen-year-old daughter has driven her to her knees in prayer. The two of them are constantly at odds. She’s the most like Buck in attitude, and the kid knows exactly what buttons to push to upset Lesley. The “guilt” one appears to be her favorite, and she uses it frequently.
Dougie is now called Doug or Douglas, and he’s in Junior High. Christopher is nearly eight and crazy about sports. He’s the team’s top soccer player and shows real promise as an athlete. No matter how tight her school and work schedule is, Lesley makes an effort to attend his games. Dr. Milton’s been very good about allowing her the flexibility to do this. I think Lesley’s found herself a wonderful boss. Mom tells me he’s a respected OB-GYN and is well liked by the hospital staff.
I was disappointed when Lesley broke off the relationship with Cole Greenberg. Apparently it was a mutual decision, but Lesley hasn’t really said much about it. I suspect she’s in love with Cole, but couldn’t see involving him in her life with four children and their constant demands.
I wish I knew what she was thinking. I’d write Cole myself if I could be assured Lesley would speak to me again. She’d consider that a betrayal and I would never do anything to threaten our friendship.
The best news has to do with Monty. He’s leaving the Justice Department and interviewing with several firms. It’ll be nice to have a husband again! I swear he’s nearly worked himself to death.
I still hate leaving Leni Jo every day, but I enjoy my job, too. Law is exciting work. It seems that I read about a landmark case at least once a week. I’d love to have been in court when Lee Marvin was sued for “palimony.” Actress Carol Burnett’s libel suit against the National Enquirer was in the headlines for months. This year it’s going to be the deregulation of AT&T. President Carter opened the door when he deregulated the airlines. While I enjoy the challenge of being an attorney, I love being a wife and mother, too. It’s finding the balance between my job and my role as Monty’s wife and Leni Jo’s mother that has proven to be the most difficult.
Dad, you’ll be reassured to learn that Mom is doing very well. She’s grown accustomed to living alone and seems emotionally stronger with every year. I’m proud of her and I know you would be, too. She’s handling her own financial affairs now. I check the numbers every three or four months, and so far everything looks great. She’s willing to travel alone, too. You can thank Leni Jo for that. These days Mom hops on a flight to New York with barely a pause. I can remember when she wouldn’t dream of calling a cab on her own, let alone navigating her way around an airport.
Jim and Angie had a second child last year, Nick. A little girl this time, and you’ll be as excited as I was to learn that they named her Nickie Lynn after you and me. I wept when they told me. We’re part of this child, Nick, in her name and in the family stories she’ll grow up hearing. I look forward to being her “aunt.”
Jim and I stay in touch, mostly by phone. (As Jim is quick to tell me, he isn’t much of a letter-writer.) It’s always good to hear his voice. He sees me as a big sister and I consider it an honor that he would.
This is going to be a good year, I can feel it already.
Remember how much I love you both.
Jillian
We are pleased to announce that
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Park West Medical
284 Central Park West,
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February 19, 1982
Dear Mr. Gordon,
The blood test results are back from your annual physical with Dr. Lyman. Your cholesterol count is 342. Dr. Lyman requests a follow-up appointment. Please contact our office between the hours of 9 a.m. and 4 p.m. to schedule your visit.
We look forward to seeing you again soon.
Sincerely,
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LESLEY KNOWLES
March 7, 1982
Dear Buck,
I’m writing because I’m at my wits’ end with Lindy. I simply can’t control her. Last Friday night, I happened to check on her and discovered she wasn’t in bed. She’d crawled out her bedroom window and didn’t return until four the next morning. She was pretty surprised to find me sitting in
her room when she climbed back in. I have no idea who she was with or where she went. She refuses to answer both questions. Our daughter is only fourteen years old.
I’ve restricted her comings and goings and taken away phone privileges, but all that’s done is create more friction between us. I don’t know how to reach her. Perhaps you can succeed where I’ve failed.
I’d appreciate your trying.
Thank you.
Lesley
March 9, 1982
Dear Daddy,
Mom is being totally unreasonable and mean. She wouldn’t let me phone you and she’s forcing me to stay in my room. This is child abuse. I can’t take it anymore. You’ve got to do something. I can’t live with her.
David is so perfect. He’s gag-me perfect. I don’t get along with Mom, and I never have. Let me come live with you, all right? I won’t be any trouble, I promise. You’ve got to help me, Dad. You’ve just got to.
Love,
Lindy
Your only daughter
April 6, 1982
My dearest Monty,
If you’re wondering why your wife is sending you flowers, think back two weeks to our weekend trip to Boston. Can you guess? If you need a further hint… I suggest you schedule time away from the office eight and a half months from now.
There should be maternity leave for fathers! If you don’t know a good lawyer who can argue the case, I just might.
Hurry home! We have some celebrating to do.
Your loving, pregnant wife
Lesley’s Journal
May 6, 1982
I saw Cole on the evening news tonight. He’s in Port Stanley on the Falkland Islands, waiting for the approaching British fleet. When I saw him, I felt as if someone had punched me hard. Everything around me started to fade. Thankfully Christopher was there and brought me a glass of water.