I should be accustomed to her outbursts by now, but I was upset. Still, I know it isn’t me Lindy’s angry with. It’s herself. I called her again later that evening, and she tried to sound mature and sophisticated in an effort to assure me she knew what she was doing and why. She said that ridding herself of this pregnancy was best for all concerned. I asked her if it was best for the baby. That was when she started weeping. I longed to hold her. I longed to ask why she didn’t discuss something so drastic with me first. I didn’t, because I already knew the answer. My daughter was confident that this was what she wanted. She was afraid that if she sat down and talked this decision over with me, I might persuade her to change her mind. Now she’s full of shame and regret.
Ever since we talked, I’ve been in a sad, weepy mood. I understand that I’m grieving for the loss of my first grandchild, and my failure as a mother. Poor Lindy. She assumed an abortion was an easy way out of her troubles, but there were consequences she didn’t recognize or consider. I know she feels better that it’s out in the open. It isn’t my forgiveness she needs or even God’s. Lindy has to learn to forgive herself.
Lesley Knowles
* * *
From: Cole Greenberg
To: Lesley Knowles
Sent: March 15, 1993
Subject: Welcome to the World Wide Web!
March 15, 1993
Dear Lesley,
I’m glad you finally took my advice and came online. You’ll find Prodigy a great way for us to keep in contact. I’m still in Waco, waiting out this David Koresh mess. The place is swarming with ATF officials. Talking to them, I get the feeling they don’t know what the hell they’re doing. This has the potential to blow up in everyone’s faces if it isn’t dealt with properly.
I can’t say for sure when I’ll be able to see you again. Soon, I hope. What’s this about your needing surgery? It isn’t serious, is it? Let me know when, and I’ll work my schedule around it so I can be with you.
Don’t worry, you don’t need to spell out your problems with Lindy. You’ve been incredibly patient with her. Every kid makes mistakes. I certainly made my share.
I’ve got to go. Stay in touch. And thank David for me for setting you up with this computer system. It’ll save us both a mint in long-distance calls.
Bye for now.
Cole
April 19, 1993
Mom,
Mr. Harmon phoned and wanted to know if you’re interested in seeing Kiss of the Spider Woman with him. I told him you were. Give him a call otherwise, but he’s getting really great seats. I was sure you’d want to go. Wake me up if you have any questions.
Oh, he got the tickets for next Friday night.
Love ya,
Leni Jo
LESLEY KNOWLES
April 20, 1993
Dear Dr. Milton,
Just a note to thank you for taking me to lunch for Secretaries’ Day. This was an unexpected surprise, since I’m not your secretary! The lunch, in addition to the flowers, means a great deal to me. You’ve been a wonderful employer. I want you to know I appreciate my job and am grateful you took a chance by hiring me all those years ago. Your encouragement and belief in me saw me through the lean times. Without the flexible hours you willingly gave me, I might never have been able to obtain my degree.
Sincerely,
Lesley Knowles
Lesley Knowles
* * *
From: Cole Greenberg
To: Lesley Knowles
Sent: April 21, 1993
Subject: Please Forgive Me
Dear Lesley,
I’m sure you understand why I had to break our date. This whole Waco mess went crazy. If you caught my report, you saw what happened. It was like being in the middle of a war zone. I’ve seen just about everything in my career, but this tops it. Heads are going to roll on account of this. Mark my words.
So I’ve got competition. The good doctor took you to lunch, did he? That’s interesting. A fancy French restaurant, huh? You aren’t even his secretary. What gives?
Cole
Cole Greenberg
* * *
From: Lesley Knowles
To: Cole Greenberg
Sent: April 22, 1993
Subject: You & Me
Dear Cole,
You’re jealous! I love it. It’s almost as if you and Jillian are comparing notes. She sent me a message and wanted to know if there was anything “romantic” developing between Dr. Milton and me. I want to reassure you both.
NO!
I’d never be able to look at him as anyone other than Dr. Milton. I couldn’t even begin to think of him in any romantic way. He’s my employer. So stop!
Lindy was over this evening and we talked again. Our relationship is on more solid ground now, although I ache for her and the poor choices she’s made.
Let me know when you’re able to visit again. It’s been almost four months since I last saw you.
Love,
Lesley
BENCH AND BAR ASSOCIATION
NEWSLETTER
NOTICE FROM
JUDGE JILLIAN LAWTON GORDON
Dear Members of the Bench and Bar:
I’d like to announce that after careful consideration I have decided not to seek reelection. I want to thank you for your continued support over the years. I eagerly anticipate traveling and spending time with my daughter.
Most sincerely,
Judge Jillian Lawton Gordon
Lesley Knowles
* * *
From: Cole Greenberg
To: Lesley Knowles
Sent: July 1, 1993
Subject: I Miss You
Dear Lesley,
Are you sure you can’t get away and join me here in Hong Kong? What about San Francisco?
I’ll be landing there on the fifth. Want to meet me there for one day? I’d stay longer, but I’ve got to get back to New York. I’ve booked an interview with Vince Foster for early in the week.
It seems I’m always having to apologize, doesn’t it? Be patient with me, sweetheart. I was crazy about you nearly thirty years ago and nothing has changed.
Cole
Dear Mrs. Gordon,
Thank you for the $25.00 for my birthday. I’m going to buy a Nirvana tape. I especially liked your letter. Mom told me that you used to date my uncle Nick, but I didn’t know he had a motorcycle and that he took you to the prom on the back of it (except you didn’t really go to the prom). I think it’s much more romantic that you danced under the stars at the football stadium. Is it the same stadium that’s in Pine Ridge now?
Mom and Dad have a framed photograph of Uncle Nick in his Army uniform over the fireplace. I’ve always thought of that as just a picture of someone who died before I was born. Now he’s a real person to me and it makes me wish he hadn’t died in Vietnam. I wish I’d known him.
Thank you for the snapshot of you and my uncle Nick together. You looked different then, didn’t you? I showed the picture to my best friend, Jennifer, and explained that I was named after the two of you. Nickie for my uncle Nick and Lynn because it’s your middle name.
Dad said you’re going to retire this year. Jennifer told me her grandfather just retired and he’s coming to visit her. When you retire, does that mean you’ll be coming to Pine Ridge soon? I’d really like to see you. Dad said you’re the only real family he has left and you aren’t technically family. He says you are family, though, because you loved Uncle Nick and he loved you back.
Thanks again for the birthday money and for your letter.
Love,
Nickie Lynn Murphy
Lesley Knowles
* * *
From: Jillian Gordon
To: Lesley Knowles
Sent: August 10, 1993
Subject: My Visit
Dear Lesley,
My last day on the bench is October 1st so if you can schedule your surgery after that, I’ll be available to come and spend time with you. I know Lindy will be t
here and the boys, too, but they’re kids. And do you seriously think you can count on Cole to show up? Hasn’t he broken the last five dates he’s made with you? Okay, three, but you get the picture. (Actually I’m the one who’s beginning to get the picture!) Let me know what you decide.
Jillian
September 1, 1993
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM
Here’s the news you’ve been waiting for!
Due March 17, 1994
YOUR FIRST GRANDCHILD
Sponsored by
DAVID AND MEAGAN KNOWLES
* * *
Sales Receipt
Linda’s Knitting Needles
Pine Ridge, WA
6 50-gram balls @ $4.25
Baby Blanket Book $5.95
Tax 8.1%
Total $34.00
Check #1299 for $34.00
* * *
Lesley Knowles
* * *
From: Cole Greenberg
To: Lesley Knowles
Sent: October 4, 1993
Subject: Michael Jordan
Dearest Lesley,
I’ve got an interview scheduled with Michael Jordan for October 6th. He’s about to make one of the biggest announcements of his career and he’s agreed to speak to me first. Are you curious? I’m going to make a stab at guessing what he’s going to say. Let’s see how close I am. He’s planning to retire from basketball and try his hand at baseball. Mind you, this is pure speculation on my part, but we shall see.
I know, I know, I’m supposed to be in Pine Ridge right after that, and I will be. I’m flying in on October 7th and we’ll spend three whole, glorious weeks together.
I’ll see you again the following month. Thank you for understanding that I’ve got to be in D.C. to cover the November 2nd elections. But I know Jillian’s arriving November 3rd and the surgery is scheduled for the 5th. I’ll be at the hospital when you come out of the anesthesia.
Love,
Cole
P. S. If Michael Jordan commits suicide the day before I interview him the way Vince Foster did, I’m leaping off a bridge myself. As it is, I’ll go to my grave wondering what Foster might have told me.
November 1, 1993
Dear Jillian,
I know you’re busy packing for your flight to Seattle, but I wanted to let you know that I’ll miss you while you’re gone. I understand Leni Jo is staying with your mother. I’ll make a point of checking up on the two of them while you’re away.
If there’s anything you need, don’t be afraid to ask.
Sincerely,
Gary Harmon
P.S. I’m on Prodigy if you want to get in touch via the computer.
LESLEY KNOWLES
November 10, 1993
Dear Steven,
It’s going to take me a while to think of you as Steven and not Dr. Milton, but in time it will be more natural for both of us. Thank you for the huge and very beautiful bouquet of flowers. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more gorgeous arrangement.
Having you there at my bedside when I came out of the anesthetic was one of the more pleasant elements of this ordeal. I appreciate your answering Jillian’s middle-of-the-night questions, too. I suspected I’d developed a bladder infection following the surgery, but she wanted confirmation. You’ll have to forgive my friend. She was convinced it might’ve been something serious. You were the one person she felt she could contact anytime of the day or night. Jillian returns to New York the first of next week and I’ll be back to work directly after Thanksgiving.
Thank you again for the flowers.
Sincerely,
Lesley
P.S. You’re welcome to visit anytime. Also, if there’s a question relating to matters at the office, I’m available.
Gary Harmon
* * *
From: Jillian Gordon
To: Gary Harmon
Sent: November 11, 1993
Subject: I’m Coming Home
Dear Gary,
Thanks for keeping tabs on my mother and Leni Jo. I knew they’d be perfectly fine without me, but it helps knowing there was someone in the building they could call if they needed anything.
My friend is recuperating nicely. I’m flying home early Saturday morning. This has been a very satisfactory trip in a number of ways. As I explained earlier, I was born and raised in Pine Ridge. So, needless to say, this town has a lot of memories for me, most of them good. I saw several old friends and visited with people I hadn’t seen in years. I have a special friend, a twelve-year-old who was named after me. We spent some time together and she’s completely captured my heart. (I’ll tell you more about her one day.)
Equally interesting is watching the action between the two men vying for Lesley’s attention. Cole is a longtime friend. Lesley and Cole renewed their acquaintance a couple of years ago. You’ve probably heard of him—CNN correspondent Cole Greenberg. He was scheduled to spend three weeks with Lesley. He managed to stay all of five days, left in a rush to cover some big story in Washington, D.C., and then came back the day of the surgery. His flight, however, got delayed and he didn’t reach the hospital until Lesley was in recovery.
Act One, Scene Two. Enter Dr. Milton. Dr. Steven Milton, widower. Lesley has worked with him for years. He’s all-around wonderful. Lesley has frequently told me what a good husband and father he is. Stable, secure, dedicated. He invited Lesley to lunch for Secretary’s Day last April, and lo and behold, he was at the hospital during her surgery. In fact, he was holding her hand when she came out of the anesthesia. Cole wasn’t there but Steven was. You get my point? So does Lesley. More importantly, so does Cole. He’s sent her flowers every day since. Flowers, cards, candy. I wouldn’t be surprised if—after leaving her dangling for the last two years—he finally found the courage to propose.
This visit to Pine Ridge has been wonderful, but I’ll be happy to get home again. Don’t you dare come to the airport. I’ll grab a taxi.
Yes, let’s definitely do dinner. I’ll look forward to it.
See you very soon.
Jillian
Cole Greenberg
* * *
From: Lesley Knowles
To: Cole Greenberg
Sent: November 28, 1993
Subject: You & Me
Dear Cole,
This isn’t an easy message to send. It would probably be better if I wrote it as a letter, but I never know when you and the mail will connect. Besides, if I sent it through the news office, it could take weeks, and there’s no telling how many other people would have an opportunity to read it. This isn’t perfect, but it’s the best I can do.
Your friendship over the past three years has meant a great deal to me. When I contacted you again in 1991, I was surprised to learn you weren’t married. Now I understand why. Your career keeps you too busy for a wife or even a relationship.
During my recent surgery, I had the opportunity to spend time with someone I’ve known and worked with for many years. I’ve admired and respected him from the very beginning. His wife died almost three years ago and he deeply grieved her passing, but he’s only 56, young enough to want love and companionship.
On Thanksgiving evening, Steven came to the house to talk about us. He was sincere and forthright and he asked if it was possible for us to date. He didn’t want to intrude if you and I were serious.
Are we serious, Cole? I don’t believe we are. We’re each holding on to the other because of a fantasy we created nearly thirty years ago on a Hawaiian beach. If this relationship meant as much as it should, we would’ve found a way to be together. I’m not blaming you. I’ve been equally at fault. I was just as content to send emails as you were. We often went months without seeing each other.
I took a few days to think about Steven’s question, and I’m ready to answer him now. I’m ready to tell him that you and I are the very best of friends, but that’s all there is to the relationship. I’m fairly confident that once Steven and I start dating, we’ll eventually get
married. I might be taking a lot for granted, but I know him and I know how he thinks. He wouldn’t ask to date me if he wasn’t considering a long-term relationship. We both have grown children. We’re comfortable with each other and we share the same values. In all honesty, I’m a little shocked by the strength of my feelings for him. I guess the foundation was always there and now the circumstances are appropriate—and right.
You’ve been a good friend to me, Cole.
Thank you for that and for your love, generosity and support. I wouldn’t do anything in the world to hurt you. But I think you know as well as I do that while we made very good friends, we were never meant to be lovers.
Thank you for understanding.
Lesley
1997
Jillian’s Journal
January 1, 1997
The nineties are speeding by so quickly. It seems I barely turned the calendar page to a new year and three more have slipped through my fingers. They’ve been eventful years, though, dealing with retirement, helping Leni Jo prepare for college, then losing Mom.
I still miss my mother. Her death caught both Leni Jo and me by surprise. It’s almost two years since she died peacefully in her sleep. Leni Jo took it particularly hard. Mom’s mental and physical health had started to deteriorate rapidly after her 80th birthday. I knew how desperately she wanted to remain in her own home; the decision to place her in a retirement center hung over my head and I’d delayed making it as long as possible. Even with her diminished capacity, Mom was well aware of her surroundings, and I simply couldn’t take her away from everything that was familiar and comfortable to her. Not until there was no longer any choice did I move her to a nursing home. As it turned out, that was very near the end. I can’t say her death was a blessing, but as always my mother’s timing was impeccable. I miss her so very much.