Give Davey a hug and kiss from his old man.
Love,
Buck
Lesley’s Diary
April 10, 1967
I can’t believe I’m really here in Hawaii! It’s just like Jillian described it, with the tall palm trees, pearly sand and lush orchids. I can hear the sounds of the ocean from my room, which has a balcony that faces—well, sort of faces—the beach. Normally we’d be staying in a military hotel, but with so many servicemen coming to the islands from Vietnam, Buck was booked into a civilian hotel. This is going to work out just great.
My plane landed at four and I took the shuttle, just the way Buck said in his letter. Unfortunately he didn’t tell me what to do about dinner. The room service menu is much too expensive. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I pay $1.00 for a cup of coffee! Mom and Dad repeatedly warned me against going out at night by myself, so I don’t feel comfortable leaving the hotel. I stayed in my room and went without dinner.
I miss Davey so much. This is the first time we’ve been separated for more than a few hours. I feel like I left part of myself in Pine Ridge. I want to call home and tell everyone I’m here, but Buck told me not to use the phone. He said it costs an arm and a leg to make long-distance calls from a hotel room.
I stood out on the balcony in the dark and sang torch songs at the top of my lungs. No one could hear me, not with the surf pounding against the sand below. I’m so anxious to see Buck again. It’s been nearly eight months since we were together. He doesn’t write often, but I understand how difficult it must be when he’s so far from home and everything.
I’m hungry, but sleepy too. Since I skipped dinner, I’ll have a little extra money to buy Mom something special for watching Davey. She’s a wonderful grandma. I’ll write more later.
Barbara Lawton
2330 Country Club Lane
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
April 11, 1967
Dear Jillian,
It was good to talk to you this afternoon, and I’m sorry the conversation took such an unpleasant turn. I don’t know what it is with you and your father lately. You two clash at every opportunity, but I suspect it’s because you’re so much alike. You might resemble me in looks, Jillian, but I fear you were cursed with your father’s stubbornness. Sometimes I swear I don’t know what I’m going to do with the two of you.
I know how unhappy you are and that you want to transfer to the University of Washington next autumn, but your father is adamant you continue your studies at Barnard. Although you didn’t actually say it, I’m wondering how much this desire to change schools has to do with that boyfriend of yours. You know how Dad and I feel about Nick Murphy. Jillian, the boy has no future. His father is a grease monkey and from all appearances, that’s Nick’s future, too.
There’s nothing wrong with a man who works with his hands. It’s just that your father and I want better for you. You may be right when you say we’re snobs, although we don’t mean to be. You’re our only child. Try to understand. Be patient with us and make an effort to see the situation from our point of view. Your aunt Jillian, God rest her soul, set aside these funds for your education. Both your father and I feel the best place for you is Barnard College. We can’t allow you to do something now that you’re sure to regret later, and all because you miss your boyfriend.
If you and Nick truly love each other as you claim, then he’ll wait for you. These years will fly by so quickly you’ll barely notice. It might not seem like it now, but you have your whole lives ahead of you. What are a few years?
You talked a great deal about being an adult and you say you’re capable of making your own decisions. Your father and I are giving you the opportunity to live up to that. Be adult about this, accept the wisdom of what we’re saying and stay at Barnard College.
Love,
Mom
* * *
April 15, 1967
Dear Mom,
Isn’t Hawaii beautiful? I thought you’d enjoy this postcard of the beach. Buck didn’t arrive until late the afternoon of the 11th. I stayed in my room until I got so hungry I couldn’t wait to eat, then I went down to the beach. I met a really wonderful Navy Officer who sat with me. His name is Cole Greenberg. We talked about books and music and life. He hates the war, too. Cole knows a lot about the history of Vietnam and Southeast Asia. We talked for a long time and he said he’d like to report the news on television one day. He wanted to buy my breakfast but I told him he shouldn’t because I’m married. He said Buck is a lucky man. I have lots to tell you. Give Davey a big kiss for me.
Love,
Lesley
Miss Lesley Adamski,
220 Railroad Ave.,
Pine Ridge, Washington
98005
* * *
JILLIAN LAWTON
BARNARD COLLEGE
PLIMPTON HALL
NEW YORK, NY 10025
April 20, 1967
Dear Mom and Dad,
Sometimes I wonder if I could truly be your daughter. For the first time in my life, I’m ashamed of you both. After our “discussion” last Christmas, Nick said this matter was between you and him. He asked me to stay out of it. I’ve tried to do that, but you make it impossible. How dare you judge Nick because he’s a mechanic! The term is mechanic, Mom, not grease monkey. And he has a name, a very nice name, I might add. Nick Murphy. You’d better get used to hearing it because I fully intend to marry him with or without your approval.
You say I should start acting like an adult and accept your decision. You’ve given me no alternative. How convenient. The trust fund is in my name but you control it. Either I attend the school of your choice or else. Well, thanks for nothing!
Jillian
A Message from Southeast Asia
May 15, 1967
Dear Lesley,
Listen, baby, I got some unpleasant news. There are all kinds of weird diseases a guy is susceptible to here in the tropics, and it looks like I might have gotten a dose of something bad. Now don’t get upset, but there’s a chance I might have given you this disease so I need you to go to the doctor and tell him what I wrote. He’ll know what to do. It’s nothing to worry about, baby. All you’ll need is a few shots of penicillin.
I’m sorry if I was too demanding of you physically, but you have to understand it’s been a long time since I was with my wife and, baby, I missed you. Seeing all that tourist stuff didn’t interest me, anyway. I don’t know what’s the big deal with the Pearl Harbor Memorial. I see enough of war now without being reminded of it. There was no reason to get your nose out of joint over it. Besides, I said you could keep that job at the library as long as you’re a decent mother to my kid.
Write me soon.
Buck
June 17, 1967
Dear Jillian,
I need a shoulder to cry on. If I had the money I’d phone, but our budget just doesn’t allow for long-distance calls. There’s a reason you haven’t heard from me. Oh, Jillian, I’m pregnant again.
I couldn’t see any reason to go on the pill with Buck in Vietnam. Besides, it’s a problem with the way the Church feels about birth control, and I was hoping to avoid facing the issue. Then I met Buck in Hawaii. I know my postcard made it sound like I had the time of my life, but I didn’t.
The first day was wonderful. Buck was delayed and I got tired of sitting in the hotel room by myself and wandered out to the beach. I met a Naval Officer there, someone who likes books and music. We sat and talked for the longest time. Later I wondered what would’ve happened if I’d met Cole before I met Buck. He’d read the same books as me. Michener’s Hawaii and Leon Uris’s Exodus, and he carefully follows world news, just like I do. We got into a big debate about what’s happening in the Middle East, and that was just before the Six-Day War in Israel. He knew about the Palestine Liberation Organization, which I’d never heard of until then. Meeting him made me realize how much I’ve missed by marrying Buck. Oh, Jillian, I’m afraid I’ve made a terrib
le mistake.
What I’m about to write next you have to promise never to tell anyone. Time slipped away from me while I was talking to Cole and I hurried back to the hotel to see if Buck had arrived. When I passed through the lobby I caught sight of him in the cocktail lounge. He was necking with a woman in the far corner. He didn’t see me and I pretended not to see him.
I know I should’ve confronted him about that woman right then and there, but I didn’t. I knew that if I asked about her, we’d spend the entire seven days arguing. I couldn’t bear it. Instead I’m pregnant again.
To make things worse, he wrote me the next month and said I should see a doctor because of some tropical disease he picked up. The doctor didn’t answer my questions directly, but I think it might have been V.D.
Oh, Jillian, I’m so humiliated and upset and worried. I can’t stand it anymore. I know you’ll be home from school soon. I’ve never needed to talk to you so much. Please call me as soon as you’re in town.
Lesley
July 1, 1967
Dear Lesley,
So you’re knocked up again. Hey, that’s great! Davey could use a little brother or sister. Don’t you worry. Take care of yourself, you hear?
I love you.
Buck
P.S. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to continue working at the library in your condition.
July 3, 1967
My darling Nick,
It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to get out of this 4th of July outing with my parents. We’ll make our own fireworks later. Meet me at midnight at the snack booth behind the football field.
Jillian
Jillian’s Diary
July 5, 1967
Mom and Dad and I are barely on speaking terms. They caught me sneaking into the house at three a.m. after meeting Nick. From the way they acted, you’d think they found us in bed naked! Dad lectured me for an entire thirty minutes and when he finished, Mom started in. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and exploded. I’m almost twenty years old!!!
Dad threatened to throw me out of the house. My own father! Mom was sobbing and I was too angry to be careful of what I said and I told them what I really thought. They are such snobs.
I wish I could talk to Lesley, but she’s got enough troubles of her own. She’s as miserable with this second pregnancy as she was with the first, perhaps more so. It isn’t just the pregnancy, either. This marriage is all wrong. I knew it the day I saw Buck with Tessa McKnight, but Lesley didn’t want to hear the truth. Not when she was six months pregnant with Buck’s baby and the wedding invitations were in the mail. I can’t say I blame her. What a mess and now, God forbid, she’s pregnant again.
I wish I knew how to help her, but I can’t even find solutions to my own problems. Nick wants to talk to my parents again, face-to-face, and have this out, once and for all. I don’t see how it’ll do any good, but he thinks it might help. I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know.
One thing I’m going to do is take a stand. I refuse to return to Barnard College this September. If Mom and Dad won’t let me attend the University of Washington, then I’m dropping out of school. I never knew my parents could be so unreasonable. I refuse to be that far away from Nick any longer. We’ve spent almost the entire year separated from each other and we’re more in love than ever. That’s got to prove something. What I feel for him isn’t just an infatuation. I love him heart and soul. Sometimes it frightens me how deeply I feel. He’s my everything.
July 15, 1967
Nick,
I’m leaving a note on your windshield to let you know Dad took the phone out of my room so I won’t be able to call you without them listening in on our conversation. Not to worry, I think I’ve found the solution to our problems.
Let’s get married.
Do you realize nearly one third of my high school class is either married or engaged only 14 months after graduation? It’ll work. We’ll make it work. I’ll phone you as soon as I’m home from Republican headquarters. Dad volunteered me to fold brochures with Montgomery Gordon. I hope you’re insanely jealous.
Lots of love,
Jillian
July 15, 1967
Jillian,
It isn’t every day a man gets a marriage proposal taped to his windshield. Sweetheart, be serious. I’ve got two months of mechanic’s school left. I need that stupid certification if I’m going to get a decent job. I want to marry you but I’m not prepared to propose until I can support you and buy a decent engagement ring. I want to buy you a diamond big enough to impress your daddy’s friends. Besides, you need to finish school first.
I know you don’t want to wait that long to get married; I don’t either, but we have to. When we march down that church aisle, it’ll be with your parents’ blessing. That’s a must for you and for me. All I need is time to prove myself. Let’s both be patient, all right? I know it’s hard, but it’s necessary.
So your phone’s gone. You’re the only girl I ever knew who had a phone in her bedroom, anyway, so it’s no big deal. We can still talk. Meet me at the dance in the park on Friday night—and be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.
Nick
Lesley’s Diary
September 15, 1967
Jillian left for college this morning. I didn’t get a chance to ask her why she decided to return to New York, especially when she was so adamant about transferring to the University of Washington. But I have my suspicions. I think Nick felt that her going back was the best thing. I think they must’ve made some sort of pact. Jillian desperately wanted them to run away and get married, but Nick refused. He wants to marry her, but he won’t officially propose until he’s gained her parents’ blessing. I admire him for that. Still, I know Jillian convinced him to make love to her. I never thought I’d be a mother before my best friend lost her virginity. Jillian didn’t tell me much, but she said it was as beautiful as she always dreamed. I try not to think about my first time with Buck because all I can remember is the pain and the humiliation.
Davey and I rode to the airport with Jillian and her mother. The air was thick with hostility between the two of them. I wanted to tell Mrs. Lawton that Nick is a wonderful man if only she’d give him a chance to prove it to her and Judge Lawton.
Mrs. Lawton plied me with questions on the drive home. She’s worried about Jillian seeing so much of Nick, but I didn’t tell her anything. Nick and Jillian are deeply in love and it hurts me to see Jillian this unhappy. I think her parents are all wrong about Nick. He won my respect this summer just because of the way he treats Jillian. I never thought of Judge Lawton as unreasonable but he certainly is as far as Nick is concerned.
These last three months have flown by much too fast. I didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with Jillian. It was a long, hot summer of urban anger and violence all across the country. It seems like the whole world is angry. I’m angry over giving in to Buck and quitting my job at the library. He insisted because of the baby and all the problems I’m having with this pregnancy, and I finally agreed. Jillian’s angry about the way her parents treat Nick. Judge and Mrs. Lawton are angry with Jillian because she’s in love with Nick.
I’ve been feeling sick and I worry that all those shots the doctor had to give me might have hurt the baby. Twice now I’ve had spotting episodes, which frightened me. The last time I was in to see the doctor, the blood tests said I was anemic. This pregnancy feels different, but I’m in and out of the doctor’s so fast I hardly have a chance to ask him anything. I wonder if the baby knows how much I don’t want to be pregnant.
God forgive me, some nights I lie awake and think about Cole Greenberg and dream about that morning on the beach in Hawaii. I wonder if he remembers me. Those few hours with him were like an oasis in some vast desert. It’s a memory that’s sustained me these past months.
Now Jillian’s gone back to school again. Buck will be home from Vietnam soon, but he doesn’t have any idea where he’ll be stationed. I don’t
want to think about that, or this baby or anything else. I just want to close my eyes and remember sitting on the beach talking about books with a Naval Officer who made me smile and encouraged me to express my opinions. Who made me wish my life was different…
October 1, 1967
Dear Susan,
Well, little sister, you’re off to start your life in the Navy. It seems like only last week that we shared a bedroom. Now I’m a mother and you’re going away to serve Uncle Sam. You’ll be a wonderful corpsman. I’m proud of you, Susan, and happy you have this opportunity. I know you’re going to prove yourself and get picked for nursing school. Write when you can.
Love,
Lesley
October 16, 1967
Dear Jillian,
It’s official now. I got my mechanic’s certification in the mail and graduated at the top of my class. Dad still wants me to work weekends for him, but the guy from the Chevy dealership offered me a job starting at $50.00 an hour. With that kind of money I’ll be able to buy a special Christmas gift for my girl.
Life feels damn good just now. I wish like crazy you were here to share it with me. Was I really the one who convinced you to return to Barnard College? I should have my head examined. Christmas can’t come soon enough to suit me.
Remember how much I love you.
Nick
* * *
Birth Announcement
I’m so excited
I just had a Mom and Dad
Name: Lindy Marie Knowles
Born: December 15, 1967