I crossed my arms and glared at her. "How else was I going to find him?"
"You think you found your dad because you read it in my private diary. The writing of a confused girl. You think you did. But you could be wrong, Ellie. Wrong! What then?"
Jason was standing by in stunned silence.
"Wrong? How many men did you sleep with?" I screamed at her. We were back where we started. Back to the good old bad times, like we always had.
"Shut up!" She glared at me as angry tears welled in her eyes. For the second time in my life—the first was the night of Austin—my mom actually looked ugly. Veins even stood out on her forehead and her eyes were almost red. "You're playing with fire and you don't even realize it. I've protected you all these years!"
"From Jason? From the great guy who's my dad? You've robbed me of nineteen years with him and you're screaming that you were protecting me!"
People around us were staring. There's no entertainment like a good public domestic fight.
"Ladies." Jason tried to step between us.
"No, it's okay." I pushed past him and got right in Mom's face. "It's time this all came out." I pointed at Jason. "I don't know who all else you suspect fathered me. But Jason is my dad. We took a paternity test. He's the guy."
Mom's face crumpled. "Oh my God! Oh my God!" Her knees buckled. "Thank you. Thank you."
Jason caught her as she fell to her knees and began sobbing.
I stared at her like she was certifiably psycho. Me and half the store.
Jason kneeled beside her, trying to soothe her. "Melissa?"
She started bawling into her hands.
He looked up at me helplessly.
I shook my head and held up my palms, as clueless and helpless as he was.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her wet cheek against his shirt. "Thank God it's you. I always wanted it to be you, Jason. Always."
Sometimes, I'm really slow. Sometimes I'm totally dense and stupid, but eventually it hits me. It struck me now—all these years, Mom had more than one suspect in mind as my father. And one or more of them were horrible.
The store manager appeared from the crowd. "What's going on? Is she okay?"
"Get her some water. She's had a shock," Jason said as Mom sobbed in his arms.
Someone handed her a tissue. The manager got a bottle of water. Jason opened it for her and made her take a sip. "Give her space," he said.
The crowd backed off as he helped her to her feet.
"Mom, we need to talk, the three of us," I said. "I need to know the whole truth."
She dabbed at her eyes and nose, which was red now, too. She was a mess. Through her tears, her gaze bounced between Jason and me, that penetrating gaze, like she was looking for something familiar. Looking for my dad in me.
Suddenly, she smiled through her tears and actually laughed like she was relieved and delighted. And even though her mascara was running along with her nose, and her eyes were puffy, she was as beautiful as she'd ever been. Because she actually looked really happy. "You have his eyes, Ellie. And mouth. You look like Jason Front. Why haven't I ever seen it?"
"Let's go someplace and talk," Jason said, shepherding us through the crowd. "The fast-food places are open all night. Let me just text Lyssa and let her know I'll be delayed."
There was a burger place across the street from Grocery Mart. Ten minutes later, the three of us settled into a corner booth with coffee. Suddenly, we didn't need ice cream.
Mom couldn't stop staring at Jason and me and back again. Happiness and relief radiated from her. She looked like she couldn't get over her good luck.
"What you did was reckless, Ellie," she said at last. "But I guess you didn't know it. How could you? I should have foreseen you'd go looking for him. But I couldn't tell you the real reason you shouldn't. I guess I'd always sort of hoped you'd figure it out without me having to tell you and just stay clear." She smiled at us. "I'm so relieved it's all worked out." She looked at Jason. "Have you told her anything about the night we made her?"
"Everything I know." He cleared his throat like he was suddenly embarrassed. "Not in minute detail."
Mom smiled. "You mean everything you remember."
He smiled softly. "I'll never forget a detail. I was madly in love with you. But you never saw me that way before or after."
It was good to hear one of my parents had been in love with the other.
Mom bit her lip. "Yeah, I don't regret what we did. But I do feel guilty. I just needed you so badly that night, Jason. You were always such a good friend, the one guy I could count on."
"Mom. Don't keep me in suspense. What happened? Please. Tell me."
She took a deep breath. "It's not easy to talk about. I don't like remembering it. You know what Jason told you? That I had a fight with my longtime boyfriend Guy?"
I nodded. "At a party. You called Jason to come get you and the rest is my earliest history."
"Yeah, that's right." She nodded. "But there's more to the story. I was at a party. It was in a large, open field that belonged to one of the kids' parents. They were out of town or something. Tons of kegs and beer and music.
"Guy and I fought. I don't remember over what or why. We fought a lot. I thought that meant he loved me." She shook her head. "Yeah, misguided. He was drunk. When he was drunk, he had a mean mouth. He berated me. I stormed off.
"I don't know what I was thinking. I was just ticked, you know? I figured I could hitch a ride home with someone. I went looking for one of my friends.
"At the edge of the field, where the cars were parked, an older guy I recognized from the party came onto me. He must have been all of twenty-five. Which seemed so old at the time. He offered me a ride.
"I don't know why, but something about him felt off to me. Gut instinct. He was drunk, too, and obviously horny. I was in no mood to fight off some creep's advances. I turned him down." She swallowed hard.
"He called me a bunch of names as I walked off. I put a parked car between us and turned to go back to the party." She paused and looked far away for a minute. "The short version is he grabbed me and hauled me into his car. And raped me."
I gasped.
"He was rough. He slapped me around." She took another deep breath. "I screamed, but no one heard me over the music. The attack seemed to last forever. I thought…I really thought he was going to do worse than rape me.
"I'm a fighter. The first chance I got, I kicked him in the balls and ran. Just ran. Until I came to a nearby house. I was a mess. I made up some story, I don't even remember what, and the people let me in to make a call. I called Jason. The old woman at the house suspected something and thought I should call the police, but I insisted I was okay. She let me use the bathroom and I tried to clean up."
She wadded a paper napkin she'd been toying with. "I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't want Guy to know. When Jason came, I just needed comfort. I needed him." She looked into her coffee cup and rested one hand on the table. "I let him think Guy had roughed me up."
I covered her hand with mine. "I'm sorry."
"You're not the one who should be," she said.
"Melissa—"
"It's okay. Let me finish." She looked at Jason. "When I found out I was pregnant, you were already off at college and Guy and I were back together. I convinced myself Guy had to be the father. I let everyone believe it."
She glanced at me. "After you were born, my parents insisted I get Guy to pay child support. He was suspicious and jealous. Thought I'd been unfaithful. He accused me of sleeping with Jason that night of the party. He knew Jason had picked me up. Guy insisted on a paternity test.
"When it came back negative, I was stunned. That only left two alternatives. One of them was too terrible to even think about." She stared at Jason again. "Please forgive me, but I knew you'd want a test, too. And if it wasn't you…"
"Oh, Melissa."
I was still covering Mom's hand with mine. Jason covered both of ours in
his, which felt strong and confident enough for all of us.
"Fortunately, you were off at college. I moved on with other guys." She bit her lip again and shook her head, her gaze bouncing between us. "All these years, I've been watching Ellie. She doesn't look like me. She had to look like somebody. Anytime I saw anything of you in her, I wrote it off as me wanting to see it. Now the resemblance is obvious. She has your good heart, too."
I was almost too stunned to react. "The other guy, what happened to him?"
"He's in prison serving twenty-five to life for a string of violent rapes. He's a true sexual predator. I never wanted him to know about you, Ellie. Never." She sounded fierce. "I was one of his early victims. If I'd gone to the police, I might have helped stopped him.
"But I was a coward. And I live with the guilt that he hurt other women because I didn't come forward and turn him in. I'm not like Logan, Ellie. I don't have his courage."
"That's your bond with Logan?" I was incredulous as it dawned on me. "You're both rape victims?"
She nodded and pulled one hand back. Jason and I held firm over the one she had left on the table, wanting her to know we weren't abandoning her.
"I tracked Logan down because I was desperate to get you back, Ellie. When I found him, I recognized a fellow victim…I hoped helping him would help you. I was never after him. He was never Austin. You do believe me?"
"I think I do. Now."
Jason was watching me. He squeezed my hand. "Ellie's going to need time to digest this, Melissa. We all do."
She nodded, and then, just like Mom, and the survivor she was, she turned on the charm. "Enough about me. I want to hear all about you, Jason. What has my old friend and the father of my child been up to all these years?"
The three of us talked until nearly two. Jason finally went home with a pledge from Mom that she'd come back and meet Lyssa and Mia and the new baby when it was born. Mom and I went back to the dorm and talked in the lobby until dawn. She was really frank, talking to me about the effects of being a rape victim. How she used sex for power. It made me understand even more about Logan.
I shouldn't have, maybe, but she was the only person who remotely understood what Logan was going through. I told her about the nightmares. And how Logan wouldn't talk about them, but I was sure I was morphing into Dr. Rogers in his nightmares and how Logan would never let me be on top.
"Yes, loss of control." She nodded. "Don't lose him, Ellie. Whatever he needs, give it to him. You have to show him it's okay to lose control with you. That it's what you want. And that sometimes you need to be in control, too."
"That's what the counselor said. But how?" I was desperate.
"Patience. Understanding. There are no easy answers," she said.
We were too wound up to sleep. We stayed up all night. The dining hall opened at six. We had coffee and toast. Then we showered and Mom packed up to go home. We were both talked out.
I walked her to her car.
"We never got our ice cream," she said.
I shrugged. "We don't need it now. We'll get it next time." Saying there would be a next time was a huge concession for me.
She hugged me. "I may be a crappy mom, but I love you, Ellie. Always have."
I hugged her back. "I love you, too."
I watched her get in and drive off. As she pulled away, I realized I wasn't angry anymore.
I hated her for what she'd done. She was a vain, narcissistic person. She'd used sex to control her life and men for so long it was doubtful she'd be able to change.
But now that I knew the truth, I loved her for trying to protect me. What if my dad had turned out to be a serial rapist? What if he'd tried to get paternal visits or custody? Or just made both our lives hell? I couldn't blame Mom from sparing us both from that.
Life wasn't really black and white. It was often completely gray. Sometimes there were no easy answers.
So I loved her more because now I knew she was acting like a real mom in the way that mattered most. I understood why she had written Ellie's dad must be Jason Front in her diary. A scared, scarred nineteen-year-old trying to convince herself and will it into being.
And maybe I liked to believe in fairytales and that somehow she'd wished and prayed Jason into being my bio dad.
Whatever it was, I couldn't feel nothing toward Mom. Couldn't write her off. But it was not like I believed everything would suddenly be perfect between us. I did think, though, that we could make some kind of relationship work. And that I actually wanted one, even if we kept it pretty distant.
My cell phone rang. I broke into a smile. Logan was calling. "I was hoping you'd call. After that scene last night, I was hoping you were still alive."
He laughed, but sounded beat. "Hey, El, you don't know how good it is to hear your voice. To hear anyone who's not screaming."
"You're not mad I left?" I walked back toward my dorm, still looking over my shoulder in the direction Mom had driven off.
"Shit no. I'm grateful as hell. Mom and Dad and Caleb just left for their hotel. We were up all night hashing things out. I want to tell you both all about it."
He sounded tired, but relieved. So I hazarded the question I was almost afraid to ask. "Good news?"
"Yeah. For once. Is Melissa awake? Can I come get you and her and take you two beautiful girls to breakfast? I owe her, and you, big time."
"You're in our debt now? That's a nice change. How will I call it in? What can I extract from you?" I knew exactly what I wanted. "Stay on your toes, Walker." My heart felt so light I could actually tease. "Yes, Mom is awake. But you're too late. She just left for home. You can buy me breakfast."
"Gone?"
"Don't worry. It's all good. I have so much to tell you. You have no idea what happened after we left."
"A woman of mystery. Intriguing." He laughed. "I'll be there in ten."
Chapter Twenty-Three
Logan
El was waiting for him on the steps of her dorm, sitting, highlighted in sunshine like some kind of beautiful angel. His angel. Just the sight of her lit up his day. But the soft, happy look on her face would have brought him to his knees if he hadn't already been sitting. He needed her. After last night, he realized just how much.
She waved and bounced to her feet as he pulled up and leaned across the driver's seat to open the door for her. She slid in and their lips met. It was like fire as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. Even though he was dead tired, he wanted El.
Someone honked behind them. El pulled away, laughed, and buckled up. He put the car in drive and forced himself to look away from El and concentrate on the road.
"You look like the walking dead." She was so happy, she made it sound like a compliment as she touched his cheek and ran her fingers just over his eye. "I am so relieved that you don't have a black eye or a broken nose or a fat lip." She kissed his cheek. "I thought for sure you and Caleb were swinging at each other. You're so much hotter this way."
He loved the way she worried about him. "We did. He's slow and has crappy aim."
"I don't think he really wanted to hurt you," she said.
She didn't know his brother. Caleb had been pissed and wanted blood. He let it drop.
"How much sleep did you get last night?"
"None." He smiled at the concerned way she furrowed her brow. Everything about her was fucking cute. "I haven't slept in almost two days."
"Not at all?" She rubbed his arm.
"Nope. Keep talking or I might doze off."
She bumped him playfully. "You should have slept before you came over!" She had the cutest little worry lines.
"I couldn't wait to see you, El." Which was the absolute, desperate truth. He couldn't stand being away from her another minute. As he grinned at her, he noticed the circles beneath her eyes. "You look tired, too. How much sleep did you get?"
"None. But I've only been awake for twenty-four hours. I'm fresh as a daisy compared to you."
"You're not half as fresh as I can be."
He steered with one hand and slid the other between her legs, going hard as he felt her heat through her jeans.
She rested her head on his shoulder and looped her arm through his. "Want to pick up something at the drive-thru?"
"Anything you want."
"I want cheap pancakes, sausage, eggs, and coffee in a bag to go. And a private place to talk."
"You got it. We'll go to my place. Collin and Zave are taking their moms to breakfast before they head out. Then they'll come home and crash all day after that."
Fifteen minutes later, he tossed his keys in the bowl on the console table in his entryway, set the bag of food on the table, and pulled El into his arms, right where she belonged.
She looped her arms around his neck and brushed his lips with a kiss. When he tried sliding his hand down her back and beneath her jeans to cup her butt, she pulled back and laughed. "Not until you spill everything, Logan. I want to hear your news! I'm dying here."
"So am I. I missed you."
She pulled him to the couch, kicked off her shoes, and tucked her legs beneath her. "So? What happened to the screaming Walkers last night?"
"You first. You said you had good news? Is it just that your wicked mother has flown off on her broom?"
"No, actually, it's better than that. She may not be as evil as I thought."
El told him everything—about bumping into Jason, how relieved Melissa was that he was El's father, how she'd been worried that some psycho serial rapist was, and how they'd talked a lot of things out.
"You were right, Logan. I'm not angry anymore and it feels great. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. But I kind of want Mom in it. It's hard to blame her, knowing what she went through and how she did what she could to protect me. I mean, it's not like I'm going to trust her all the way." She stroked my cheek. "Especially around you."
"I can't believe it." He was totally shocked, almost stunned speechless. "I'm thrilled for you."
"You knew about the rape." El studied him. "I know you two share that bond."
He didn't want to talk about any of that upsetting shit. "Yeah, but not the timing of it. Not that she thought it might have created you." He took El's face in his hands. "Not that it would have made one bit of difference to me who your father was, El. I'd love you no matter what. And thank the bastard for creating you."