Chapter 11
For his sophomore year, He decided to live in the same dorm. Many of the freshman from the previous year had moved off campus, but he enjoyed the dorm experience and Clay had flunked out, and Mark moved into an apartment with one of his high school friends. He liked being around so many girls in one place. Maybe this would be the year he would actually make contact. He was like JFK in 1963, shooting for the moon in the next 10 years. It was mostly wishful thinking.
One day he was chatting with a freshman who asked him how many times he got laid his freshman year. And being the dipshit that he was, he told the truth and said 0. The guy stared at him and asked how was that even possible with all the women around. Lloyd replied that every dorm needs its Neil Armstrong. The guy didn=t get it and walked away shaking his head. Two days later the guy had a girlfriend.
Once again, Lloyd lived on the nerd floor, which was nice and quiet, but spent most of his time on the fifth floor where he had made some new friends. The floors in the dorm were oddly cliquey, and he was considered an outsider whose presence was somewhat resented. Maybe because HE WAS ALWAYS THERE. He was incapable of being on his own for any period of time. It made him feel extremely lonely and an outcast. Once again the males seemed to enjoy his presence more than the women.
One of the main activities they would partake in was poker. About five nights a week, a bunch of guys would get together and lose their parents money. The stakes were relatively high, sometimes they would play in-between and the pot would get up to a hundred bucks or so. The dealer would flip two cards and the player wagered if the next card would come in between them, hence the name. One caveat was, if the flipped card matched one of the others, the player would have to throw double his bet into the pot. So lets say the dealer flipped a 3 and a king, the odds were pretty good that the next card would fall in between. One time this rich dude got a 2 and an ace, and bet the whole pot on his card. It came up ace, and he owed two hundred fifty bucks. He wrote out the check and threw it in. This guy Mike ended up winning the whole pot.
Mike was a handsome kid who always wore sunglasses inside and when he took them off, it was obvious why. His eyes were red and glazed, an obvious stoner. But he seemed like a good guy with a load of confidence and Lloyd found himself drawn to him. It was the same thing as with Clay and Mark. Lloyd was drawn to their self confidence and their good looks. He wished he could be like them and envied their carefree attitudes. One night after a late night card game, Lloyd and Mike were hanging out and Lloyd started pouring his pathetic heart out to him. Blah blah blah virgin blah blah blah never kissed a girl blah blah blah, and instead of running out the door like a normal person Mike listened very intently. He was a good listener and gave Lloyd some advice about being himself and that it would happen eventually, that he should just be patient, and maybe he should ask a girl out what=s the worst that could happen blah fuckingly blah. A cake should have appeared because it was the 1000th time Lloyd had been told that and he didn=t do anyone told him to do anyway, so why the hell did he like hearing himself blather? To get sympathy? From dudes? At least when he did to girls, there was that faint hope that they would give him a sympathy blow. Hadn=t happened yet.
They would stay up late in the night watching videos on MTV, (little known factoid: MTV stands for Music Television, and they once played AMusic Videos@ instead of vapid reality shows), and Mike took great pride in predicting the rise of Guns N Roses after the first viewing of Welcome to the Jungle. That and 2.00 gets him a ride on the subway.
Mike was a font of music knowledge and introduced Lloyd to a bunch of new music. New Order, The Smiths, Rem, the Replacements and such. Lloyd was stuck in the mid 70's with his sweet Led Zeppelin and Doors Posters in his room, all leftovers from his pathetic attempts not to stray from the mainstream in high school lest he be mocked. Oh and of course there was the requisite Dark Side of the Moon poster on his door. He was pretty much a walking cliche.
It also turned out that Mike was not in fact perpetually stoned, in fact he had never even drank or did any drugs. His eyes were glazed and watery because he had epilepsy and were from the pills he had to take to keep it at bay. He was on doctors orders not to drink or drug, but the facade was cool enough that others would approach him looking to score. He would always tell them his supplier was down in Columbia and would be back soon. They would grin and wink knowingly until a week later when Mike would tell them his dealer was killed in a raid by Columbian Drug lords. Lloyd had his second male crush.
Mike had a penchant for attracting girls of a certain caliber. They were sweet and earnest like himself, sort of plain, but they appreciated Mike=s brooding and sensitive nature. His secret weapon was his Billy Idol imitation. He would snarl his mouth and his eyes would glare and he would swivel his hips and it was over. He was the Tom Jones of the dorm. Lloyd would be left dancing with himself.
These girls would in confidence pour their hearts out to Mike and he would listen intently and console them, stare confidently and brush aside their hair. For the coup de grace, he would swoop in and give them a gentle kiss. Lloyd named it the Kiss of Death. Once it happened the girls were under his spell and became cult-like in their devotion. There were at least 4 of them. You could tell who they were by the knowing smiles they shot Mike whenever he entered the room. They were all unaware of each other, but most likely would not have cared. And there on the outside stood Lloyd, once again living vicariously through someone else. It was easier than being himself.
There was a very pretty girl on Lloyd=s floor named Leslie that he became very friendly with. They would hang out a lot and he would make her laugh. For some reason he didn=t bitch to her about his virginity. That was odd. He was very comfortable around her and started to get a big crush on her. But of course, he knew it was one sided. Sucks to be me, he thought. One day, Leslie=s friend, Michelle, asked Lloyd why he never asked out Leslie. I don=t know, Lloyd replied. He pondered it for a long time. Not why he didn=t ask her out, but why Michelle asked him why he didn=t ask Leslie out. If you can follow that genius line of thinking.
Was that a hint, does she want me to ask her out? Or is Michelle taunting me? I bet she is taunting me and teasing me. But maybe not. Maybe she knows something, like Leslie really does like me? Can I allow myself to believe that? No way. Not possible.
You really should quit reading this. Lloyd was a moron. NO, HER BEST FRIEND JUST PRETTY MUCH GAVE YOU THE GREEN LIGHT TO ASK HER OUT AND YOU WOULD FINALLY HAVE GOTTEN SOMEWHERE WITH A WOMAN, IDIOT BUT DON=T TAKE THE HINT WHICH WAS POUNDED UPON YOU LIKE A TEN TON MALLET.
Of course he never asked her out, and a few months later she started dating a guy who looked suspiciously like himself. Loss of virginity dodged once again. Phew!
Mark had a stupid friend named Greg Berbek, who was as dumb as a lamppost, and also looked just like one. He was a total frat boy and was totally flummoxed by Lloyd. He had a caveman like voice, gravelly and monotone. AYou a virgin, Kulligan?@
AUh, yeah.@
AYou some sort of faggot?=
ANo.@
AWhy you a virgin?@
And Lloyd would shrug his shoulders.
AYou=re a jew, too aren=t you. I call em kikes.@
AThat=s nice.@
Berbek was a lummox, but he had been laid before. If date rape was considered getting laid. Which in his world, it was. So he couldn=t understand how Lloyd hadn=t just taken what was rightfully his.
AThey all want it, Kulligan. And you have to give it to them. Even if they don=t act like they want it. But they do. After awhile they stop saying no and they let you do what you want. Especially if they=re drunk. They all want it. And I give them all organisms@, the lummox spouted.
AWhat?@, Lloyd replied in wonder.
AOrganisms, they love it.@ Mitnek continued.
Lloyd was bemused. AYou give them amoeba?=
>You a fuckin retard, Kulligan? Organisms@
AI bet they are all fake organisms.@ Lloyd taunted.
AWhat=s a fak
e organism@
AA robot@, Lloyd chuckled.
AIm a going to kick your faggot ass, Kulligan.@
One time Berbek asked Mark who Frankie Sinatro was, and Mark couldn=t figure out what he meant. ADo you mean Frank Sinatra?@
Berbek continued. ASinatra, Sinatro, whatever the flamer dude that sings I do it that way.@
AMy way, you mean?@ said Mark.
AYeah, the faggy singer@
ASinatra wasn=t gay,@ Mark replied.
Berbek was unconvinced. AWell he acts a fag with all that hep cat swing stuff. That stuff is for faggots.@
AWell he married Eva Gardner..and@ Mark countered.
AThe chick from the Brady bunch?@.
Mark was getting tired of this conversation. AWhat? No, that=s Eve Plumb. She plays Jan.@
Berbek was unconvinced. ASinatra married Jan. Marcia is way hotter.@
AI got to go, Berbek.@
Mark had recently auditioned for Hamlet and got the lead role. It was the beginning of his career as an actor. He got most parts he auditioned for because the gay directors fell immediately in love with his aw shucks demeanor, light humor and Harry Hamlin like good looks. He hated that comparison, and Lloyd took to calling him Hamlin, instead of Hamlet.
After that Mark got a role in a play called, I=m Coming Home, and revolved around a gay son coming out to his family. Who had ever seen something like that before. It was unprecedented in theater circles. Anyhow, for his role as Blaine, the prodigal son who just wants to sing, he would need to get his ear pierced. Lloyd decided to get one too. Because he was so edgy.
Lloyd=s earring wasn=t just a stud, it was a dangling numbchuck. Pretty badass on a nerdy Jewboy. It was all part of shedding that high school mentality of conformity. It also looked pretty stupid.
He felt like a tough guy with it on, until he ran into Reba Greisman, the girl who was making out with Henry in the backseat of his car a few years prior. She was a real frumpy Jewish girl (sorry for another redundancy) and had gone to Kansas just like Lloyd. She was very disapproving of it and told him it wasn=t becoming. He told her that her fat ass wasn=t becoming either, but at least he could remove the earring. She told him to fuck off and he felt just like one of the Jets in West Side Story. But less gay.
He also was better friends with Deena Saperstein, the girl he walked with in the hall that one time in High School. Lloyd and her had become friendly and he became slightly less conscious of how attractive she was. She told him that the earring was cool and not to get rid of it. That was all he needed to hear. Also, she was Jewish and hot, an oxymoron of epic proportions. He proceeded to give her a rundown of his current virginity status and once again the story did not persuade her to whip off her pants and start banging the shit out of him. She had also taken to telling everyone about the time Lloyd fell off the rings flat onto the ground. It caused her great amusement to embarrass him like that. He was just happy for any attention.
Speaking of embarrassing, Lloyd=s roommate was a senior who had moved into the dorm for the peace and quiet of the nerdy 10th floor. He had a girlfriend with whom he stayed with much of the time. He was non-descript, in many, and the only flashy thing about him was the sheepskin rug he used as a comforter. I don=t need to go on do I? You can see what=s coming a mile away. Pun intended. Lets just say that Lloyd ended up having his own room for the second semester.