“Sharonda,” I said, “all those terrible, gross things you said about me. That was just your cute way of saying you like me—right?”
“I asked Joe Sweety to the party,” Sharonda said. She slammed the ball into the next room.
I chased after it with Georgia. “You don’t know me,” I said. “But you are probably dying to ask me to the party.”
“I asked that cute friend of yours from your dorm,” she said.
“Cute friend?”
“Yeah. Nosebleed,” she said.
I grabbed the ball and tossed it to her. “Huh? Nosebleed? But he always gets a nosebleed before parties. What if he can’t go?”
“He promised me he wouldn’t,” she said. “He’s going to plug up his nose with duct tape just in case.”
Good plan.
I slumped back to my room. This was getting serious.
Steam poured out when I opened my door. Belzer was ironing my shirts. “Not too much starch,” I said. “You know I have very delicate skin.”
Belzer nodded. “No problem, Big B. I walked your dog, and I watered your plants.”
Good kid, Belzer.
“Do you have a date to the All-Nighter?” I asked him.
Belzer nodded. “Yeah. Patti Kakes asked me.”
My mouth dropped open. “Patti Kakes? But that girl chews on her braids all the time. And she LICKS her textbooks!”
“So what?” Belzer said. “She asked me.”
I sighed and dropped onto my bed. Belzer had a date, and I didn’t.
What should I do? I needed a plan—and I didn’t have one!
Chapter 17
JENNIFER CHANGES HER MIND
SHOULD STUDENTS BE ALLOWED TO BRING LAPTOPS TO CLASS?
That was the question the Rotten School Debate Team was arguing. They were debating a team of three kids from Easter Bunny Prep.
The debates are a big deal. All of us fourth graders have to go to them. We piled into the auditorium and took seats way in the back so we could goof around and talk and take naps.
I glanced at the stage. The three kids on our team were Sherman Oaks, Wes Updood, and Georgia Pines. They were looking through their notes, getting ready to debate. I saw Jennifer Ecch in the front row, blowing kisses to Wes.
Sherman started the debate. He walked to the front of the stage and held up a shiny silver laptop.
“My new laptop has a solid chrome body,” he said. “That’s so I can see myself as I type on it.” He held it higher. “It has leopard skin on all the keys so I don’t bruise my fingertips.”
He stepped back. “I don’t have an argument,” he said. “I just wanted to show you the laptop. I know you can’t afford one this nice.”
Wes Updood went next. He studied his note cards for a moment. Then he spoke into the microphone. “George Washington, everyone,” he said. “Uncle of our country. Supersize it! Yo!”
Silence in the auditorium. Then Jennifer shouted, “Brilliant! Brilliant! That’s so smart!”
“You da man! Give it up!” Wes said, reading his notes. “Save big money now. It’s like sliced peaches, ya know?”
“Brilliant!” Jennifer cried. She jumped to her feet and clapped. “Brilliant! Sliced peaches. Why didn’t I think of that? Brilliant!”
“What about laptops?” a kid from Easter Bunny Prep shouted.
“What about your thumb?” Wes replied. “Ever suck on it for an hour and then smell it?”
Jennifer started to clap again. “Brilliant! Totally brilliant! No way we can lose now!”
No one else had a clue what Wes was talking about. But he talked for another twenty minutes. He was totally cool. So cool, he wasn’t even speaking English! Then he picked up his saxophone and started to play.
The debate was over. No one on the other team got to say a word. That’s why Rotten School wins every debate.
Wes started to leave the stage. Jennifer hurried up to join him. “Brilliant! Lamby Knees, you’re SO SMART!” she cried. She hugged him so hard, I could hear his ribs cracking.
Jennifer, Wes, and Sherman left the auditorium. I followed them. I loved seeing Wes smothered by The Ecch.
They made their way to the snack shop at the Student Center. I followed them as they got in line.
Jennifer had her arm around Wes’s shoulders. As they walked, she nibbled on his ear, making loud, slurping noises.
He turned to her. “Marble cheesecake,” he said angrily.
Her smile faded. She jerked her arm away. “What did you say?”
“Marble cheesecake,” Wes repeated. “Strawberry shortcake. You know what I’m talking about. Like elephants on rice.”
“How DARE you!” Jennifer screamed. “How DARE you insult my hair like that!”
“Huh?” Wes squinted at her, confused. “Graham cracker crust?” he murmured. “Smell my armpit on your birthday?”
With a roar, Jennifer pounced on him. She knocked him to the floor. “I thought you liked me! Why are you saying those horrible things about the way I look?”
“Pony rides, man. Pony rides,” Wes said. Then he screamed in pain.
Sherman jumped to rescue his friend. He grabbed Jennifer by the shoulders and tried to pull her off Wes. Jennifer spun around. Her one brown eye and one blue eye flashed. She stared at Sherman as if she’d never seen him before.
Then she let go of Wes, leaped to her feet—and wrapped her arms around Sherman’s waist. “Honey Cakes!” she cried. “You’re mine now! MINE!”
“Gulp!” Sherman choked on a big wad of bubble gum. “Excuse me?”
“Honey Cakes!” Jennifer cried. “It’s you and me, Shermie! Big-time!”
Sherman made some more gulping sounds. He tried to shove her away with his chrome laptop.
But The Ecch grabbed his left arm and twisted it behind his back. “Promise you’ll go to the All-Nighter with me!” she screamed.
“Huh? No way!” Sherman gasped. “OWWWW!”
He screamed as The Ecch twisted his arm higher behind him. “Honey Face,” Jennifer cooed, “I won’t let go until you promise to go with me.”
“But-but-but—” Sherman sputtered.
“Is that a yes or a no?” Jennifer asked.
Chapter 18
IN THE SOUP
My buddies Feenman and Crench and I were having lunch in the Dining Hall. I looked up and saw April-May June heading our way.
“I know why she’s coming over here,” I told them. “Sherman has been captured by The Ecch. So April-May needs a date to the All-Nighter. I won’t make her beg for too long.”
April-May stepped up to our table. Her blond ponytail swung behind her. She kept clenching her fists. “Jennifer ruined everything,” she said. “She knew Sherman was my date.”
I crinkled up my eyes the way that always drives girls crazy. “So you’ve come to ask me instead?” I said.
April-May spit her gum into my chicken soup. “Bernie,” she said, “I’d rather have my tongue pulled out through my nose.”
I laughed. “You’re a great kidder. Yes, I’ll go with you.”
She clamped a hand onto my shoulder. “You have to get Jennifer back,” she said. “You have to fix this. You have to get her back so I can go with Sherman.”
“Get her BACK? No way!” I cried. “It took me months to get rid of her!”
April-May shrugged. “Then you won’t have a date for the party, Bernie. You’ll be sitting by yourself in your room—with those two big cartons.”
I swallowed. “And I’ll be totally broke?”
April-May nodded.
I let out a sigh. “Maybe you have a point,” I said. “But how can I get Jennifer back? The party is tomorrow night.”
“You’ll think of something,” April-May said. She patted me on the shoulder and hurried away.
I shook my head sadly. Get The Ecch back? Don’t even think about it! I told myself. But, did I have a choice?
“Wow,” Feenman said. “April-May had a weird way of begging you.”
br /> Crench had his eyes on my soup bowl. “Bernie, do you want that?” he asked.
“No. Take it,” I said.
He reached into the soup, pulled out April-May’s gum, and popped it into his mouth.
Chapter 19
“MMMMWWWWWAAAAAAAAH!”
Chills ran down my back. I shook. I staggered. My eyes bulged. My tongue hung out of my mouth and wagged like a dog’s tail. My whole head shook like a bobblehead doll’s.
But I had no choice. I had to get The Ecch back before tomorrow night. And I knew how to do it.
Jennifer loved it when I acted like a creep and a klutz and a jerk. She thought that was the BEST. No matter what I did, she thought it was awesome.
All I had to do was repeat all those creepy, klutzy, jerky things. I knew I’d have her back in no time.
I rounded up the first-grade kids again. I waited for Jennifer to walk by Rotten House with Sherman. And I dropped water balloons onto the little kids.
Leaning out my dorm window, I saw Jennifer turn to Sherman. “Bernie is so immature,” she said. “You’d never do anything like that, Shermie Pie.” They kept walking.
Strike one. That didn’t work. No prob!
I remembered how Jennifer liked it when I stuck my head into Sherman’s karaoke machine and wrecked it. I found Sherman onstage in the auditorium. Jennifer was watching him repair the machine.
“Hey, guys,” I said, climbing onstage. “Here, Sherman. Let Bernie B. give you a hand. I know just how to fix these things.”
I fiddled with some dials. Then I stuck my head inside the machine again. “Help! I’m stuck! I’m stuck!” That had to win Jennifer back.
“Bernie, how can you be such a total spaz?” she snarled. She tugged my head free, then gave me a boot in the butt that sent me flying into the seats. “Get lost!”
Okay, okay. Strike two.
But, no prob. I still had the hard-boiled-egg-eating contest. Jennifer went nuts for that. I remembered how it totally impressed her.
The guys didn’t want to do another egg-eating contest. They said they were still urping up egg from the last one. I had to bribe them with free flashlights and sweatshirts.
We got ready in the alley behind the Student Center. As soon as I saw Jennifer coming, I started stuffing eggs down my throat.
I threw up all over my own shoes. Yellow chunks poured from my mouth and nose. I waited for Jennifer to hurry over to help me.
“Ooh, totally gross!” she cried, holding her nose. “Bernie, why don’t you grow up?” She turned and galloped away.
“Oh, wow. That went well,” I muttered. I stared down at the yellow glop on my shoes.
Strike three. Bernie is out.
My shoes made squishy sounds as I trudged back to Rotten House. I didn’t care. I failed to get Jennifer back. I knew that tomorrow I’d be doing an all-nighter—alone in my room!
Chapter 20
A DEADLY TUG OF WAR
The All-Nighter started with a barbeque blowout in the Dining Hall. Chef Baloney and his helpers stood beside huge barbeque grills. They served up tons of smoking hot dogs, burgers, chicken, and ribs.
I gazed around the brightly decorated hall. The theme of this year’s party was “Pond Life.” Giant lily pads and paper pond scum hung from the rafters. And some awesome artist had painted a huge mural of snails and leeches and fish skeletons.
“Totally excellent!” I exclaimed to April-May as we stepped into the line for food.
“Don’t talk to me,” she said. “Pretend you’re not with me.”
Well, I know. You’re probably wondering what Bernie B. was doing at the party. And how I got there with April-May June.
Simple. About ten minutes before the party started, April-May realized that she and I were the only ones without dates. So she came to see me.
I could tell she was crazy about me. “Bernie,” she said, “I’d rather hammer rusty nails into my ears. But what choice do I have? I have to ask you to the All-Nighter.”
Yes! YES! Sweet!
What a night for the great Bernie B.! I’m at the party with the coolest, hottest girl in school. I’m gonna GET RICH QUICK with my flashlights and sweatshirts. AND Sherman Oaks is stuck with The Ecch.
Could life get any sweeter?
“Enjoy your dinners, everyone!” Mrs. Pocketlint shouted. She and Mr. Pocketlint stood at a microphone in the front of the hall. “Don’t eat too much. You want to be light and fast for the soccer game, the three-legged race across Pooper’s Pond, and the treasure hunt.”
At the end of our table, my buddies Feenman and Crench were tossing chicken wings back and forth, catching them in their teeth. Those two dudes know how to party!
April-May stood up and shouted to everyone, “I’m not really here with Bernie! I know it looks like I’m here with Bernie. But I’m not.”
She’s so cute.
I raised my cheeseburger to my mouth. But I didn’t get to take a bite. Because I felt a hard tap on my shoulder.
I spun around. “Jennifer? What do you want?”
“I changed my mind,” she said. “You’re my date now.”
I dropped the cheeseburger. “Are you crazy?” I cried. “It’s too late. The party started already. Go back to Sherman.”
“It’s never too late,” Jennifer cooed, “when a girl is in love.” She started licking the back of my neck.
“Yuck!” I groaned. “Get that cow tongue off me! Jennifer, why are you doing this?”
She grinned. Her one brown eye and one blue eye sparkled. “See what Sherman gave me? He said I could have this if I went back to you.” She held up a hundred-dollar bill.
April-May gasped. She stared at the money. “Jennifer,” she said, “you can’t let a boy bribe you like that.”
“Sure, I can!” Jennifer said. She bent down and started licking my neck again.
April-May grabbed my left arm. “I don’t want to be here with Bernie,” she told Jennifer. “I’d rather have huge purple spots all over my body. But—this isn’t fair!”
“Let go of him!” Jennifer cried. She grabbed my right arm. “Sherman gave me a hundred dollars to go back to Bernie. And that’s what I’m going to do.”
“No, you’re not!” April-May screamed. She pulled my arm as hard as she could.
“Give him to me!” Jennifer grunted. She pulled my other arm with all her strength.
Tug-of-war time, dudes.
Does it look like I might be in trouble here?
Chapter 21
RUINED!
“Don’t fight over me, girls,” I said. “I know I’m fabulous, but give me a break here. Maybe you could share!”
“No way!” they both screamed, tugging harder. I heard my armpits crack! If something didn’t happen soon, they’d pull me apart!
“Listen up, everyone!” Mr. Pocketlint shouted. “Time for the annual three-legged race! Everyone outside! Line up at Pooper’s Pond!”
Chairs scraped. Kids started to run out of the Dining Hall. I thought this might save me. But I was wrong.
I staggered to the door with both girls pulling me from side to side. It was a clear, cool night. A silvery moon shone down, floating just above the trees.
But I couldn’t enjoy it. The two girls wouldn’t stop their tug-of-war. My arms were already eight feet long!
No one knows how Pooper’s Pond got its name. Maybe it’s the smell. Maybe it’s because the water is thick and lumpy.
A narrow, wooden bridge stretches over the pond. The three-legged race starts at the bridge. I saw kids pairing up and pulling burlap bags over their middle legs.
Belzer stood beside the bridge. He was leaning on one of my two cartons. Jennifer pulled me toward Belzer. April-May tugged me away.
“Belzer, quick—” I shouted. “Get the cartons open. We’ve gotta sell, sell, SELL!”
April-May let go of me for a moment to pick up a burlap bag. I grabbed a handful of flashlights from the carton. Jennifer started to pull a bag up over my left
leg.
“Flashlights!” I shouted, waving them in the air. “They’re only a dollar. How else can you see where you’re running? Flashlights, everyone!”
April-May struggled to pull a bag up onto my right leg.
“You girls can’t do this!” I cried. “It’s not a six-legged race!” I waved the flashlights. “Only a dollar! I have change for bigger bills!” I shouted.
The girls were tugging up the burlap bags. “Give me a break!” I said. “I’ve gotta sell this stuff!”
“Bernie, get away from the boxes,” Jennifer growled. “We have to race.”
“No!” April-May protested. “WE have to race.”
“Flashlights!” I called. “Sweatshirts! Who’s cold? Who needs a sweatshirt?”
“You’re RUINING the race!” Jennifer cried. She let go of me, but she dove at the two cartons.
“Jennifer—don’t!” I cried.
She lifted both cartons above her head—and HEAVED them over the side of the bridge—into Pooper’s Pond!
I screamed. “That’s three months’ allowance!”
I didn’t think. I took a deep breath, broke away from both girls—and dove into the water after my cartons.
I hit bottom, then came floating back up, covered in muck and brown, lumpy water. “My sweatshirts! My flashlights! My MONEY!” I wailed.
But the cartons had sunk to the bottom.
I was RUINED.
I slapped the thick, chunky water with both hands. Then I slapped it again.
“He’s DROWNING!” I heard Jennifer shout. “Don’t worry, Bernie. I’ll save you!”
I saw April-May racing away, crossing the bridge—with Sherman! What a traitor!
And then there was a huge
Smelly, thick water washed over me. Jennifer popped up at my side. She wrapped an arm around my neck and started dragging me toward shore.