“It’s just like your parents,” he said in awe. He knew the story of how my parents met and this was probably freaking him out as much as it was me.
“What? No. No. I don’t even want to talk about that right now.”
“Paul?”
“Yeah?”
“I need you to listen to me, okay? You’re going to do exactly what I say. Understood?”
“Yeah.” This was why I’d called him. I needed someone I trusted to tell me what to do.
“You are going to go to your room. You are going to get those very expensive pajamas that I bought for you. The ones you never wear because you stupidly say they make your thighs look like sausage encased in plastic after it’s been sitting out in the sun for two weeks. He’s got to be uncomfortable still wearing those bike shorts.”
“Okay,” I said, trying to remember to breathe.
“Then you are going to sit with him all day and answer his every single beck and call. I don’t care what he asks for. I don’t care how uncomfortable it makes you. You are going to do whatever he asks because you hit him with your car and for some goddamn reason, he goes over to your house and tells you he could love you.”
“Well, he told me he could love me first and then he came over to my house.”
“Paul!”
“What!”
“Don’t you sass me!”
“I’m not!”
“Pajamas!” Sandy hissed. “Anything he asks!”
I felt bad. “He already asked for a beer,” I admitted. “I told him I’d get him a juice instead.”
Sandy groaned as if I was the most insufferable thing on the planet. “Okay. From this point on, though. Okay?”
“What if he wants to fist me?”
Sandy snorted and tried to cover it up so he could still sound stern. “Has that come up?”
I’d meant it as a feeble attempt at a joke, but now I was worried. “No.” But what if he did? How does one politely turn down a fisting? I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want your arm up my butt. I like my intestines shaped the way they are.
“Paul, I’m going to tell you the same thing my drag mother told me when I was first starting out. ‘Helena,’ Vaguyna Muffman said, ‘you can’t worry about fisting until it actually happens. You’ll live your life in fear and you’ll never unclench your anus.’”
“May she rest in peace,” I said, and we had a moment of silence for Vaguyna. She’d passed away a few years ago from cancer, and it had been hard on Sandy. When he quoted his drag mother, the one that’d taught him everything she knew about drag, you knew Sandy was serious.
“Is that all?” I asked him after a respectful amount of time had gone by.
He thought for a moment. “No. Because knowing you, you’ll do exactly what I say, but you won’t say anything for the whole day. So in addition to everything I’ve said already, you must learn seven new things about him. I will call you tomorrow after I get off work, and you will tell me those seven things you learned about Vince. And they can’t be something stupid like he’s pretty or he’s nice. They have to be real.”
“He is pretty, though,” I muttered. “And nice. That should count as two.”
“It doesn’t. Seven new things, Paul. By tomorrow.”
“This whole new deadline thing you’ve got going on?”
“Yeah?”
“I hate it and I hate your face,” I said as savagely as possible.
Sandy wasn’t fooled in the slightest. “You’re welcome. Do you need to write any of what I said down or can you remember it?”
“I’m not going to do anything you said!” I swore.
After a time, he said, “Feel better now?”
“Bite me,” I mumbled.
“That’s going to be Vince’s job.” I could hear the smirk in his voice.
“You’re a bitch.”
“Seven things. By tomorrow.”
“I’ll see you in hell.”
“I love you, baby doll.”
“I love you too. Am I going to mess this up?” I gnawed on my thumbnail.
He didn’t hesitate. “Possibly. But that’s why you have me.”
“I’m not going to make it to your show tonight.” I felt bad about that.
“Paul, is this important to you?”
“I think so, though I really can’t say why.”
“Good. There will be other shows. Hundreds, possibly millions if I figure out how to live forever. I can survive one night without you, I think. You’re always just cramping my style, anyway. Maybe tonight I can finally get laid.” He didn’t mean it, though. Not like that.
“Thank you,” I said quietly.
“You’re welcome. Now don’t go trying to get too fucked. You did hit him with your car, after all. Boy needs to heal before putting his cock in your bum.”
“The doctor said we can’t have sex until the weekend,” I said absently. Then I realized what I’d said. “Oh sweat balls.”
Sandy sounded like he was going into apoplectic shock. “Apparently,” he gasped as he hyperventilated, “you don’t… need my help… at all! You’ve already thought… this one… through.”
“I’m going to go now before I make it worse,” I said.
“Don’t think… that’s… possible,” Sandy said as he struggled to breathe. He sounded like he was dying. “Should have… recorded… this phone call. No one… will believe me. Need… record for… posterity. The world… must know… what happened.”
I hung up the phone. “Fuck,” I whispered.
I didn’t stop to think, because if I did, I’d end up having a minor meltdown right here in my kitchen. Instead of turning into the Paul I knew, I pushed him away and turned into Semi-Confident Paul whose super powers included the capability to have light conversations without stuttering, and to not sweat and turn red at a moment’s notice. Of course, this led to me wondering what kind of boots my superhero costume would have when I was Semi-Confident Paul, and whether or not I could pull off a cape. I liked to think I could.
I went back to the living room and Semi-Confident Paul turned into Shocked Paul, who then transformed into Big Puddle O’Goo Paul and lastly morphed into I Want To Eat You Like A Buffet Paul.
All four of my alter egos would have rocked a cape and boots.
Somehow, someway, Vince had gotten Wheels to turn into a big fat traitor, the Benedict Arnold of doggy-dom. My antisocial mutt had turned into the world’s biggest slut in the five minutes I had been pretending to get juice.
I rounded the corner and found Wheels lying on his back on Vince’s legs, his little car discarded next to Vince on the couch. The little whore had his two front paws pointed lazily to the ceiling, his head hanging off Vince’s knees, his tongue lolling out of his mouth in that way he does when he’s getting a really good stomach rub. Vince was smiling down at Wheels as he scratched his belly. His nub of an ass wiggled back and forth (Wheels, not Vince. I would have been a little weirded out had I come around the corner to find Vince was shaking his ass while touching my dog).
I was about to shout that my dog was the biggest skank in the history of the world when Vince caught me watching him and said with a grin, “I think he likes me. I always wished I could have a dog.”
From there, Big Puddle O’Goo Paul wanted to find a female dog and go back in time to save Wheel’s manhood from ever being snipped so there could be billions and billions of puppies that I could shower upon Vince because he always wished he could have a dog. He’d gotten past my own dog’s defenses, which in turn shoved him right past my own. “That’s… that’s so special,” I managed to say. “I’m surprised he let you touch his cart.”
Vince reached up and grabbed Wheels by the face and started an ear massage, and Wheels made a sound like he was about to orgasm all over Vince. Unfortunately, that was not an image I could get out of my head and it made me a bit queasy. “He didn’t mind,” Vince said, oblivious that he had gotten to second base with my dog. “I just picked him up an
d he tried to lay in my lap. I told him I’d let him if I could take off his wheels ’cause I didn’t want him to get hurt.”
It was about that time that I noticed how the muscles in Vince’s arms flexed against the shirt he wore as he massaged the dog’s head. I remembered then that he was wearing my shirt, and for some reason, Big Puddle O’Goo Paul roared until he blew up into I Want To Eat You Like A Buffet Paul.
I Want To Eat You Like A Buffet Paul wanted to punt Wheels like a football out of the room so he could climb in Vince’s lap and lie on his back and have Vince rub his face. I Want To Eat You Like A Buffet Paul didn’t think it was fair that the stupid half dog got all up in Vince’s lap without having to do a damn thing. I Want To Eat You Like A Buffet Paul was jealous of a dog and began to plot deviously to knock off said dog so there would never be any question again as to who belonged in that lap.
“You okay?” Vince asked me. “You’ve got a weird look on your face.”
And that, ladies and gentleman, was when it really began.
Chapter 8
The Greatest List In The History Of The World
Seven Things I Learned About Vince Taylor:
A Perspective
By Paul Auster
1) Vince Taylor Is Comfortable With His Body (Dear Jesus God, That Ass)
I did as Sandy told me, bringing in the pajamas he’d gotten me that he had sworn cost him at least $15,000 (no one can embellish like a drag queen). Vince smiled up at me as I handed him the pajamas, while I simultaneously took Wheels off his lap (and resisted the urge to hiss “bad dog”). Wheels glared up at me as I reattached his cart and sent him on his way. I turned to tell Vince where the bathroom was so he could change, only to find him standing at the other end of the couch, sliding his bike shorts down his mad crazy hot thighs, bending over slowly and in deep concentration as if trying to keep the pain at bay.
It was at that time I learned Vince liked to wear a black jock under his bike shorts. It was also at this time that I found out that I really enjoyed black jock straps. Like intensely enjoyed them. To the point that I was sure God himself had come down from heaven and said, “Here, my son, I’ve brought you a gift. Check out that sweet ass framed by black straps. You’re welcome.”
I didn’t even bother to think on whether Vince was doing what he was doing on purpose, because I couldn’t get a single coherent thought together (though, in retrospect, I am absolutely certain that Vince was a fan of Baywatch because he had the slow-motion thing down pat). All I could really focus on was that ass framed by the jock, the white skin even paler against the black fabric, and the light dusting of hair on his ass. He lifted one foot slowly as he bent forward and pulled his leg out of the shorts. Then he did the same with the other foot, bending forward slooowly to get the shorts off completely.
Once this master class on How To Give Someone An Erection By Doing Almost Nothing was completed, he stood up straight and lifted his arms carefully above him and leaned back slightly, stretching out what I’m sure were very sore muscles. My dress shirt rode up the front of the jock and the hair on his stomach was so dark that it looked like night. This, of course, led to the second thing I learned about him.
2) Vince Taylor Is A Manipulative Bastard (And I Have No Self-Esteem)
Part of me wanted to do a little dance, possibly break out the Hammertime bit that I knew how to do really well (it’s really about how fast you can move your feet and hips. Don’t tell me you’ve never tried it because you’d be a big, fat liar, so just stop: Hammertime). That part of me wanted to dance because Vince Taylor was wearing that jock with my shirt and standing in my house doing this totally awesome pseudoyoga stretch that was obscene given the fact that his junk was practically visible.
At least I know he’s circumcised now, I thought, somewhat relieved. I didn’t have anything against uncircumcised penises, it was just that I’d never had one before, and I didn’t want for my very first one to be with Vince, because I was pretty sure I couldn’t handle anything new on top of everything already happening. Then it hit me that I actually had that thought, like I was going to get anywhere near his cock at some point in the future. I had to stop myself from running out of the room in sheer embarrassment.
But he knew. That smug bastard knew exactly what he was doing. I knew this because while I was ogling the magnificence that was the sight in front of me, he kept glancing at me out of the corner of his eye, making sure I was watching him do his thought-out, choreographed peep show. He stretched back even further, though a mild grimace shot across his face, as if the position pained him.
But then he decided to take it one step further, coming back up from his stretch. Probably one step too far, if what happened after was any indication.
He reached up and started to unbutton my dress shirt, starting with the bottom button, moving his hands slowly because he knew I was watching every single movement he made. The first button slid out and he spread the shirt a little, exposing the top of the jock and the hairs on his stomach. He rested his hands on his skin for a moment, gently tapping where the hair disappeared into the fabric.
Then he moved onto the second button, and undid it just as slow. Unfortunately, it brought back that doubt that had plagued me ever since I was eight years old and that jerk Brady Johnson (older, meaner, and just plain stupider) had called me a fat ass on the playground and had tried to rip my shirt off over my head to show everyone what he called my “big fat titties.” That day, for the first time, I felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I was somehow lesser than everyone else around me. The little voice inside my head was born that said I was gross and disgusting, and everyone who said something negative about me was right.
So watching Vince undress in my living room brought the voice back, loud and in charge. It had been quiet for a few days, maybe because I’d been floating in a state of suspended animation. But the voice reminded me of when I’d first seen Vince, surrounded by Darren and the other homo jocks at the club. It reminded me of how Vince had looked when that twinkie Eric had started to grind up on him like I wasn’t even there, the jock friends looking on and grinning at him like they were part of some great, big secret club that the rest of us couldn’t belong to. It reminded me that Vince did not push him away. It reminded me of that Bear Dude later in the night who grabbed a handful of his ass as he brought them closer together to pretend to dance when in actuality it was just fucking with their clothes on.
By then, Vince was to the third button, but his grimace had returned and that spark in his dark eyes had faded slowly. He was still the sexiest thing I’d ever seen, but he was tired, so very tired. Before I could stop myself, I moved until I was in front of him and batted his hands away carefully. He briefly looked surprised, but then just grateful, only a little bit of the former smugness returning.
My hands shook as the surreal act of unbuttoning my own shirt on another man washed over me. We didn’t speak, and I tried to focus on my fingers, trying to be as quick as I could be without acting like I was ready to pounce on him and put my balls on his chin.
I was hyperaware of how he breathed, these low, shallow breaths through his nose that I could feel on my forehead when he exhaled. He smelled medicinal, as if the hospital had leached its way into him. But underneath, there was the scent of sweat and soap, nothing flashy, but still noticeable. His chest rose and fell underneath my hands as I undid the next to the last button. I almost stopped on the last one but I wanted to see the bar through his nipple again (and I really wanted to touch it).
The last button came undone and the shirt opened completely, the bar through his nipple only hinted at through the fabric of my shirt. We both were breathing heavier than we should have been, and the close proximity was doing nothing to help me. I wanted to turn my face up and press my mouth against his. I wanted to slide his shirt off the rest of the way and run my fingers through the hairs on his chest. I wanted to wrap my lips around that piercing and tug on it until he gasped and grabbed my head.
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But it was too much. It was too fast. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real.
I blushed brightly and stepped away. I thought I heard him sigh, and he turned and put the pajamas on.
God, that fucking ass.
3) Vince Is A Big Baby When It Comes To Pain And Whines Incessantly
Oh Lord, does he.
And he gets grumpy too. Quickly. I couldn’t help but think it had a little bit to do with me nixing his attempt at whatever he was trying to do. But an hour later, he was in full-on bitchy mode, especially when he started to nod off and I kept having to wake him up.
“You can’t go to sleep yet,” I said as I reached out to give him a little shake. We were both sitting on the couch, but at opposite ends, me trying to put as much distance as I possibly could between us without making it extraordinarily awkward. I didn’t want him to sleep because I’d changed my mind and was sure he would die from the concussion the second he nodded off. “Still a few more hours.”
He scowled at me as his eyes snapped open. “I’m not trying to sleep,” he said with a growl. “I’m just making sure my eyes still close okay. You know, as a sign of brain damage. From when you hit me with your car.”
I tried to keep from getting angry. “You ran into my car door,” I said evenly. “From an insurance perspective, I’m pretty sure I can argue that you’re at fault for this.”
“You didn’t maintain a proper lookout when exiting your vehicle,” he retorted. “Everyone knows that I had the right of way.”
“Maybe if you hadn’t been riding so close to the cars, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Maybe if you had looked before you opened your door, I wouldn’t be almost dying.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “What happened to this being totally worth it?” I mocked, trying to mimic his deep voice. Instead, it came out sounding like I was an asshole.
“It was,” he grumbled. “I would do it again if I had to.”