"I don’t trust Kaitlyn either."
"Why?" I choke.
"I have to talk to you, Lovely-"
"Tyler," I growl.
"Sorry. Shit. Please meet me. There's so much going on, and I swear it wasn't me who hurt you," he actually sobs this time. "I would NEVER hurt you like that. Come on, you know I wouldn’t."
Trying to clear my head again, I'm silent. I hear his voice, and I remember the way he was with me. I remember the Tyler I loved for years, and he's right- this doesn't make sense like I felt it did yesterday.
"Why didn't you defend yourself to me, Tyler? Why didn't you argue or try to convince me yesterday in the restaurant that I was wrong? Why did you just stand there looking guilty as hell when I accused you?"
"Saige? Who are you talking to?" Selena asks banging on the door.
Gasping, I lie on the fly. "Ah, Malcolm. He's just checking up on me."
"With the water on?" Jesus Christ! What's with all the questions? Reaching over, I quickly stop the shower and close the glass doors.
"I'll be right out. Can you pour me a Vodka and orange? I'll be right out," I babble again as my anxiety spikes.
"K..." she says as her voice fades away.
"Saige? Saige?!" I hear Tyler calling me louder and more desperately.
"Tyler," I whisper in the echoey bathroom, "I can't talk right now."
"Then meet me!"
"I can't."
"Please? Just 5 minutes? I'll meet you anywhere." When I can't speak Tyler gets more agitated begging. "Please, Lovey? I have to tell you what I think’s going on."
Weighing my options, I know I shouldn't. I KNOW I should stay put. But there's something about his desperation that tells me I can trust him. The more I think, the more I believe he didn't hurt me. I'm just not sure why I think he did- or thought he did yesterday.
"Please, Saige? I’ll meet you anywhere." Listening to Tyler, my mind calms and my memory of my good Tyler surfaces again. "I swear I didn't hurt you, and I swear I won’t hurt you."
"Okay..." Fuck! "Um, where?"
"You choose. But please hurry. I don't want to get in trouble for talking to you."
Thinking as my desperation climbs, I blurt out the only place I can think of. "Blenders? On Market Street?"
"Fine! I'll be there in 15 minutes waiting out front. Please show up. Please? I have to tell you something."
"Tyler, I'm going to be about 45 minutes or so, I can't-"
"Just hurry. Please?"
"Okay," I agree hanging up to rush out of the bathroom.
Standing at the top of the stairs, I need to convince Selena nothing's going on so she’ll leave me alone until I leave. I need to see Tyler once and for all so I can either let this go, or tell the police I know he's guilty.
Wrapped in a towel I yell, "I just have to dry my hair! I'll be down in 10 minutes," to buy myself some time.
"No prob. I'm just starting my second drink," Selena yells up from the kitchen I think.
Running for the spare room I dress quickly and throw my hair in a sloppy bun. Entering the bathroom, I have the presence of mind to start the hair dryer and rest it on the sink. Looking in the mirror, I see my face is super pale and my eyes look way too big for my little face. My eyes look somewhat crazed and way too dark against my skin.
Grabbing my purse and keys I walk gently down the stairs against the wall. Suffering only one little creak I hold my breath until I stop at the silent bottom.
Poking my head around the corner I see Selena at the breakfast bar with a magazine completely unaware of me. Opening the front door quietly to my freedom I run for my car. Locked in within seconds I pull out of Malcolm's driveway as quickly as I can.
What the fuck am I doing?
Suddenly overcome with nausea, I just get my door open at the first stop sign to barf up the nothing I've eaten in 2 days. Gagging and wrenching, the bile, and really, my entire stomach lining splatters on the pristine streets of Montgomery Park.
Laughing under the pressure, I gag one last time before I finally pull it together enough to drive through the goddamn stop sign.
CHAPTER 35
Barely on the expressway, my phone starts ringing. Rounding our street, my phone blasts continuously until I shut off the ringer. Seconds before I pull up to Selena’s and my building, the first and second texts come through from Selena. Before I've even made it to the elevators, the first 3 texts from Malcolm beep through. Once I open Selena's door, the 4th and 5th texts from Selena jolt in my hand, and as I reach for the shoebox in her closet, the 8th text vibrates from Malcolm.
Dumping the shoebox Selena and I decided was safely away from Griffin I grab the Taser and knife and run for her front door again.
Laughing at my manic shaking, I may be a fucking idiot for meeting Tyler, but I'm not a total fucking idiot.
Running back to my car safely locked in, I decide I need to tell them something. Quickly drafting my joint text to Selena and Malcolm I type all I can.
'I have to meet someone, but I'm safe. I can't talk now, but I'll tell you everything soon. I'm sorry if I've worried youbut I have to do this.'
‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?’ Almost laughing I KNOW that text was from Selena because Malcolm doesn't talk to me like that.
‘WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!’ Huh. I guess he does talk to me like that, I burst out laughing after reading Malcolm's text. Feeling almost hysterical, or mental, or just out of my goddamn mind, I reply once more to try to calm them a little.
‘I'll text you both soon. I'm shutting off my phone now. But I'm safe, I promise.’
Nearly throwing up again, I toss my cell and start my car for Blenders.
Driving a little erratically I'm nervous Tyler isn't still waiting. I'm nervous he left, but I'm nervous he's stayed. Basically, I want to see him to finish this, and I don't want to see him because we're finished.
Fuck me... I don't know what the fuck I want anymore.
Driving down Market Street I see Tyler in the distance. Leaning against the wall, he steps forward and back as each Sunday night slow moving car passes. Leaning and shaking his head it isn't until I pull over across the street to watch him that he finally jolts from the wall when he recognizes my car.
Running toward me, I quickly slap the lock button again as my heart races. Shaking all over, I watch him dash the hundred yards to me and stop just short in the road. With his hands raised out front of his body, Tyler looks desperate, and I feel desperate.
God, there are so many things, and so much history, and so much life unfinished before us. There are goodbyes to have and forgiveness to be sought. There's an entire life I have to say goodbye to with Tyler.
Walking the last few feet, Tyler begs me with his eyes but says nothing. Waiting for me to either acknowledge him or not Tyler knows not to push me or try to force something I don't want to do. He knows me, and as I stare at his red eyes I realize I know him too.
And Tyler didn't hurt me.
Suddenly exhaling a hard cry straight from my heart I break our eye contact to try to get my shit together.
My entire world has just shifted again and I'm nauseous from these constant changes within and around me.
Tyler didn't hurt me.
Holy. Shit. I was wrong.
Lying across my steering wheel I'm sobbing with both relief and confusion still. God, I was so sure. I was SO sure it was Tyler who hurt me when he spoke yesterday. I heard his voice and I felt the abuse and I remembered... but now I know I remembered nothing accurate.
Turning my head, Tyler is hunched down with his forearms on my window ledge and door sobbing. He's watching me crying, crying himself, and I don't know what to do.
"I didn't hurt you, Saige," I hear his sad voice through the closed window. "I couldn't do that to you," he cries harder until I finally nod my belief in him.
Unsure of what we do now, I take in Tyler and wish I could just hug him. I wish he was my old Tyler and I wish I was my old Saige. I wish we were who
we were so we could comfort each other. But I know we're not those people anymore. The old Tyler left me, and this is the new Saige I've become.
"We're not us anymore, and we can never go back," I mumble through the window to him crying again in a quick burst of pain. "I'll tell Mathers I was wrong, Tyler," I acknowledge before lowering my window just enough so he can hear me clearly. "I'll tell Mathers I made a mistake," I sigh.
"Can I sit in your car for a minute? I won't touch you. I swear, Saige. I just don't feel safe in the street like this," Tyler begs actually looking left and right on the street.
"Why?"
"Can I please talk to you?" Waiting, Tyler doesn't move, and I can't decide. Waiting, he knows me and I know him. So nodding, I exhale hard as he walks slowly around my car to the passenger side door.
Slowly, and with his hands still kind of out front of his body, Tyler doesn't even go for the door handle but just waits for me to let him in.
Grabbing the Taser from the center console, I keep it against the door in my left hand and finally unlock for Tyler as he opens the door and slowly sits inside almost gently.
"Thank you," he chokes not looking at me at all. "God, I miss you," he moans unexpectedly making me cringe in my seat.
"That isn't why I let you in, Tyler."
"I know," he turns to me finally. "But I had to say it. Cheating on you was the biggest mistake of my life. And I miss you every single day. I love you so much, Saige."
Leaning over quickly, Tyler kisses me before I know how to react. With his lips against mine, I fall into old Saige. I feel his mouth against me and I know his breath within me. This is my old Tyler, but I'm not my old Saige.
Pulling away abruptly, I actually hit the door as he moans staring at my face. Sitting away from me, Tyler whispers, "I love you."
Not acknowledging his words, I pull my shit together. "What do you need to tell me? Just spit it out or get out. I've pissed off a lot of people to come see you, so please speak."
"Okay... Um, I'm pretty sure Kyle and Kaitlyn set this up on purpose."
"So?" I almost gag hearing her name.
"So, I think they purposely did this so they could each have us."
"So? I don't like or want Kyle. I never did. So his plan didn't work- hers did though. Didn't it?" I bitch a little angrily thinking of them together while thinking of Tyler just kissing me with growing disgust.
"But they wanted-"
Cutting off Tyler's excuses I speak over him. "Whether they intentionally tried to break us up or not doesn't matter. You fell for it and slept with her and we broke up. And that's the end of everything between us as far as I'm concerned."
"I know I did but-"
"There's no but, Tyler. No matter what they wanted you fell for whatever they were doing, and you broke my heart and broke us up. So what does it matter if they set it up? It doesn't matter what they tried to do, it only matters what you did. And you chose to fall for her."
"Saige, would you just listen to me for a fucking minute," Tyler suddenly growls turning so quickly in his seat I jump. "Kaitlyn and I aren't together anymore, and-"
"I don't give a shit if you're together or not."
"I know," he shakes his own head. Looking back at the road, Tyler looks absolutely exhausted, which I guess he would be after spending a night in jail. But I think there's more, so I stay silent until he can tell me the more.
"Kaitlyn's pregnant," he whispers loud as a scream in my head and heart. "It was an accident and I don't even know if it's mine, but she won't take a paternity test until after it’s born because she doesn’t want to endanger the baby. But- what do I do, Saige? Tell me what I do."
"You get out of my car, Tyler," I manage to say before covering my mouth so he can't hear the misery in my voice. Nearly screaming inside, I'm so hurt by this I’m pissed at Tyler for telling me, and pissed at myself for still caring enough that this even hurts me. "Get out of my car, Tyler."
Reaching for my hand, I rip it away and actually lift the Taser toward him making him smash back quickly against the door in shock. "What the fuck, Saige?"
Laughing at his horrified face, I smirk, "Yes, what the fuck? Cool, huh? And I swear to fucking god if you don't get out of my car I'll use it on you. I fucking hate you, Tyler. So much, I can't believe I ever thought there was more to you than what I see now. You're such a loser. And the greatest thing you ever did for me was cheat on me and free me from what I thought was a good relationship."
"We did have a good relationship!" He yells leaning close to me.
"Ty!" I scream against his mouth when he's suddenly pulling the back of my head and my body toward him again. "NO!" I scream against his mouth fighting hard until he quickly releases me. "Get the fuck out NOW!" I scream again lifting the Taser right up to his face as he snaps back against the door and struggles with the handle to open it.
Quickly shouldering the door, Tyler lands half on the door and half outside trying to get away from my fury. "Saige! Wait!" He tries again.
"If you ever kiss me again I'll have Malcolm beat the fucking shit out of you!"
"Malcolm? Really? The guy who has cops threaten to kill me if I talk to you again? The guy who pinned me against the wall yesterday and threatened to kill me as soon as I got out of jail today if I said even one fucking word to you in the restaurant? THAT fucking guy?" Tyler yells back leaning in my car by the door.
"Yup! That guy," I snap sarcastically.
"I love you, Saige, and I made a huge fucking mistake. That's all. I didn't hurt you and I never meant for this to end us. I just thought-"
"You could fuck someone and I'd stick around?" I ask laughing again.
"Please don't hate me, Saige. I can't stand the thought of you hating me. I'm sorry I kissed you, Lovey. I'm sorry-"
"Fuck off, Tyler. This is our final goodbye. I'm going home to Malcolm now. I'll tell Mathers I made a mistake, but that's it for us. I never want to see you again. Fuck off and die," I laugh at his shocked face before actually putting my car in drive with an I dare you smile as he still holds my door leaning half inside.
"I love you, Saige," Tyler says dramatically before slowly closing the door and actually pressing his palm against the glass. Like some cheesy chick-flick he stares at my eyes and keeps his hand in place against the glass probably hoping I reciprocate and place my hand against his. But it's not gonna happen.
Gunning my old lady engine, I drive away from Tyler for the very last time. Leaving him as he walks a step in the street, I peel further away from his reflection in my rearview mirror. Reaching his hand out to me in the street he looks like the pathetic loser Selena always said he was.
Laughing and crying, I reach for my phone, plug in my USB and search for an old favorite of mine. Laughing again when Pearl Jam surrounds me, I find the song I want and scream sing along with Eddie Vedder. I’ve never seen things so much clearer than watching Tyler in the street from my rearview mirror.
'Rearview Mirror' by Pearl Jam is the very last memory of Tyler I ever want to remember. Seeing him standing in the street he looks like some lovelorn hopeless romantic desperately begging me to love him, begging me to forgive him. Scream singing in my car, "I gather speed from you fuckin' with me," I laugh-cry louder just aching for Malcolm.
I know there is nothing to forgive and nothing to love anymore with Tyler. The memories I have of Tyler are tainted by his excuses and his choices. And we're done.
Smiling, I realize I have a whole life waiting for me with Malcolm, and I want to finally live it.
Pulling up to my old apartment again, I just need one moment to myself. I need to settle before I take on Selena and Malcolm's anger. I need to get my story straight, and I need to call Mathers before I go to Selena and Malcolm sanely.
Walking inside my abandoned apartment, still somewhat messy and destroyed, I'm surprised by how little I feel here. Though surrounded by my own things, I feel like it all belongs to someone else. I feel like this was a lifetime ago, and a life ago
.
Looking around, I realize I don't care about anything anymore but Malcolm. Without any further doubt I know I love him totally.
I want to live with Malcolm by my side now. I want to love him and live with him and grow with him together. I want to know his warmth, and I want to love his life wrapped around me always.
I want Malcolm forever.
Turning on my phone quickly, the endless texts beep through like a manic orchestra of desperation. Opening up the texts I see many from Malcolm, and I know everything loving, sad, hurt, and scared he's feeling for me without even reading them.
Texting, I say all I can.
'I love you, Malcolm. I'm so sorry if I worried you, but I needed to be sure, and now I'm sure. I want you to know I trust you totally, and I'll be home soon. xo'
Scrolling through my limited contacts list I dial Mathers' cell ignoring a text that beeps through as I tell Mathers everything. With few interruptions, I let him know I made a mistake accusing Tyler.
Apologizing for the drama, Mathers tells me to go home because he's still actively looking for my assailant. Mathers explains because I saw someone outside Malcolm’s home yesterday just a few hours before I finally had my showdown with Tyler, it’s almost logical my brain confused Tyler as my attacker when I was so emotionally vulnerable.
Mathers even offers me a kindness by saying it’s common for victims of abuse to mistake others as their abusers under stress, and not to worry about accusing Tyler for now.
And then I'm done.
Grabbing a few textbooks from the floor, straightening my couch and throwing leftover clothes in the bottom of the closet, I turn to look at my temporary life for the last time before closing and locking the door for my new life with Malcolm.
CHAPTER 36
Ignoring my ringing phone, I shut it down and drive in silence back to Malcolm and Montgomery Park. I don't want to talk on the phone and I don't want to miss Malcolm’s anger. I deserve all he wants to give me, and hopefully after I explain why I snuck out he'll forgive me.