So I told her – my version. I’m this bad lad and it’s me that starts all the fights. Everyone thinks I’m a bit of a bully, but really I’m sticking up for the little kids. And I’m scared of no one. And then she tells me not to pick on other kids like I do, and I tell her I’d be happy to leave them be if they didn’t try it on, and she tries to tell me off – but she’s proud I’m so tough and know how to look after myself.
That’s me. Tough boy. Yeah.
I went on and told her how super-metal that T-shirt was because it got me into trouble, like. I took off my top and showed it to her, and she could hardly believe her eyes. And I told her about Billie Trevors’s kecks as well and she laughed like a drain at that, and crossed her legs and winced when I told her about that other kid’s nuts.
‘It should have been my nuts. But it wasn’t. See? I’m a lucky kid, me,’ I said.
‘Funny sort of luck,’ said Mum.
We sat there a while longer, and then suddenly she stood up.
‘Come on,’ she said.
‘Where are we going?’
‘My place. You’re out of school, you’re out the Brant. You’re as well staying at mine for a few days.’
‘No! You don’t mean that?’
‘Why not?’
See? See what I mean? My mum. She was actually taking me home with her. I was that made up, I could hardly speak. We caught the bus all the way to Manchester and we had fish and chips in town before we went back to where she was staying with a mate of hers. And … you have no idea. You have no idea what it felt like, sleeping somewhere where you know you’re not going to get hit, knowing that someone who loves you is sleeping under the same roof. My mum. She makes everything worthwhile.
Billie
They’d done their best, I’ll give them that. Cleaned it up, put up new curtains, replaced the chest of drawers I trashed. They’d even painted it. It was a pretty little room, not really my sort of thing. But they’d tried. You have to hand it to Barbara. We’re totally unalike, but she does try.
I just wanted to go straight to bed, but she made me have something to eat. Hot pot, my favourite, while they sat around and watched.
‘You’ve been doing so well,’ she kept saying. It was funny, because, in a way, she was right. Things had been loads better over the past year or so. It was only this past month I was suddenly losing it. I don’t know why. They kept asking me what was wrong and all I could say was … I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
She said she was sorry about what she said about my mum. ‘I’m just jealous of her,’ she said – which was pretty honest of her. ‘She’s treated you so bad – I’m sorry, Billie, but you know it’s true – and I try so hard to treat you well, and she gets forgiven so easily and I … I don’t.’ She shrugged. She had a point. But …
‘It’s me mum, isn’t it?’ I said.
‘I know.’
She said sorry for calling the police as well, and that was the point when we nearly had another row. I mean, the armed-response unit?
‘Billie,’ said Dan, ‘you have to think about how it looked to Barbara.’
‘You with that huge sliver of glass in your hand, like a sword,’ said Barbara.
‘What did you think I was going to do with it, stab you?’ I said.
‘You know what you’re like when you lose your rag.’
‘I was over that.’
‘How was Barbara supposed to know? Suppose she’d come up in the middle of it? What would have happened then?’
I was furious.
‘You think that if I’d had that in my hand when I lost it I’d kill her?’
‘Could you swear you wouldn’t?’
‘Yes! I’m not some kind of bloody psychopath.’
They looked at each other doubtfully.
‘But you see how it looked.’
‘I was cleaning up!’
‘But you see how it looked, Billie.’
I went up to bed after that. I lay there staring at the ceiling. I was pleased to be home, but I wish I could have gone straight up instead of having more chat. It’s the talking does my head in. And the thing is – what if they’re right? Is that what I am? Some kind of nutcase who might jump up at any minute and cut their throats?
I found it so depressing that they thought that of me. It made me think – maybe all my carers thought I was like that? Dangerous. Maybe that’s why they all got rid of me in the end. That’s horrible. I really hope that’s not true. Maybe that’s what happened with the last lot, Bob and Debbie Sampson. I liked it there. They had loads of kids there, not just me. You get all this attention focused on you when you’re the only one. Debbie Sampson spent most of her time with the little ones. I didn’t get on with her all that well, but there was no trouble. Her husband, Bob, I got on all right with him. He was an old rocker. He was fun, Bob. He was really into his music. He had the cellar all set up like a studio – guitars and a drum kit and amps. It was even sound-proofed, sort of. We all used to go and thrash it out down there. He was well into his heavy rock, Led Zeppelin and all that kind of thing. That wasn’t my scene but he had some of the real stuff too – Death and Possessed and Slayer and Arch Enemy and that. Death metal. That’s when I learned how to do the death growl. He thought it was hilarious that I could do that so deep. I learned a bit of guitar too. It was great; we used to have such a good time, but then I lost it with one of the other kids. He was a bully anyway. He was picking on the little ones, only they never noticed it. They thought the sun shone out of his arse, this kid. They couldn’t see what a sneaky little bastard he was. I did him over and that was it. I was out.
Trouble is – like Hannah said, what did it achieve? The bully got away with it, I got kicked out and the little kids he was bullying didn’t have me there to stop him any more.
It was round about the time my mum decided to make the big split with me. There was always this idea that I could go home when things got better, but then she decided no, I was never going back. I should have known. It had been ages since she’d had me home for a weekend even.
I was in care. I got depressed. That’s when Dan and Barbara offered me a place. I think they liked me when I was depressed. I was quiet, you know? I should have got depressed earlier, while I was still with the Sampsons. Maybe I’d’ve been able to stay there, then.
I stayed in bed late the next day. Nowhere to go, nothing to get up for. I’d have stayed there all day, but bloody Barbara kept coming up. Elevenses. Twelveses. Lunch. Oneses, twoses, she was driving me potty. She means well, Barbara, but I just wanted to be left alone. After twoses I’d had enough, so when she said she had to pop out to the shops I took my chance. I needed some money. I hadn’t asked her for any, but I found a twenty in the drawer in her room. She owed me some pocket money, a tenner, I could give her back the change later. Then I left.
I went down the offie and got a few cans and took them round to drink in the park, tucked away behind the bushes where no one could see me.
I had business to attend to. Now’s as good a time as any, I thought. Who knew how long I was going to be free to do what I wanted? I’d sorted my own house out – I’d made my peace with that lad Chris. If I’m going to go down, I’m going to go down fighting for something worthwhile. Hannah and Jim and Barbara and that, they all like to think fighting is a waste of time, but sometimes there’s only one way to sort things out.
Our Katie, she’s such a sweet girl, such a sweet nature. She’d do anything for you. She’s like me. Not like I am now – like I was before Mum went off the rails. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And now Mum’s got a new bloke. It’s been ages since she had a bloke, but they’re always the same. One of them had a go at me once. Back from the pub, Mum was out, he tried to get in my bed. I was only about nine. I went mad. I just started screaming, ‘Get out, get out, get out!’ He jumped up and stood there stinking of fags and beer.
‘I were
only going to read you a story, you silly mare,’ he says. And he has to get in my bed to read me a bedtime story? I don’t think so.
He had read me a few stories before that, give him his due. Never tried to get in my bed before, though. He went to the door and turned round and said, ‘I’d never lay a hand on you, not in that way, Billie.’
Yeah, right. Well, I wasn’t taking the chance.
And now she’s got another one. Katie out there doing the washing. Mum nowhere to be seen, flat out with booze I expect. Bloke in the house – does what he likes. It doesn’t take much working out, does it? And Katie, the way she is, she’d never tell anyone. She’d keep it all to herself to protect Mum and not rock the boat. To keep the family together. A bloke like that could do what he likes and she’d never tell. And I’m supposed to sit around and watch it? While Mum goes back on the bottle and Katie screws up her life trying to do her job for her, and some bloke nobody knows anything about comes round and does who knows what? I don’t think so. I don’t care if she doesn’t want to see me. I’m her daughter. I’m too much trouble, am I? Is that it? Or is it because she knows I won’t stand for her using Katie like another bloody servant and keeping her new bloke happy?
Who’s going be there to check up on her when I’m put away? They need to know that just because I’m going down doesn’t mean I’m never coming out again. And I’ll tell you this, while I live and breathe, no one’s going to do any harm to my little sister.
I finished off my cans, got myself a couple more and hopped on the bus. I wanted her to know I was watching her. I wanted her to know that if anything like what happened with me starts up again – anything, no matter how small – I was going to be right round there to sort it out. She’ll have me to deal with. I wanted her to know that. I wanted them all to know that.
No farting about this time. I went straight there. I was going to go round the back way and get in before anyone had a chance to talk me out of it, but then I thought, No, calm down, Billie. You don’t know what’s going on yet, so I went and knocked on the door instead. Knocked – on my own front door. How do you like that?
Sam opened it.
‘Sam,’ I said – I was surprised. I don’t know why I never thought it’d be him. ‘What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at school?’
‘It’s four o’clock,’ he said.
‘Is it?’ I’d lost track. I peered over his shoulder. ‘Is she here?’ Sam looked back anxiously, but I didn’t want him to be making decisions about it, so I pushed past him and went in.
It opened straight out into the front room – it didn’t have a hallway. I was surprised at how small it all was. Katie was sitting in front of the TV. There was a bloke coming down the stairs. He stopped when he saw me.
‘Billie,’ he said.
‘I’m just here to tell you – any funny business with her, with my sister, you’ll have me to answer to. I’m just here to say it,’ I told him.
‘Billie!’ Katie was on her feet, furious. ‘He’s done nowt! He’s never done anything, Billie! Go away, Billie. Go away!’ she hissed, flushing red. Embarrassed, I suppose. Well, I’d rather she be embarrassed than the other.
But I wasn’t ready to go yet. ‘I need to have a word with her,’ I said. ‘That’s why I’m here.’
‘She’s not here, she’s out …’ began Katie. But the bloke butted in now, not that it was anything to do with him.
‘You don’t need to have any worries about me and Katie, Billie. There’s regular visits round here from the Social and everything …’
‘Yeah, and what do they know?’
‘I’m not like that.’
‘I’m not saying you are. I’m just saying.’
And then there was a movement at the top of the stairs. And her voice.
‘I’ll see her.’
‘Muriel,’ he said.
‘Mum, you’re not to,’ said Katie.
I could see her feet, coming down. She was in her dressing gown. See? Not doing any housework in her dressing gown, is she?
‘Billie,’ she said. She got so far down and crouched on the stairs so I could see her face. She looked older. Wrinkles on her forehead. ‘How are you, Billie? It’s nice of you to come and see us.’
Nice of me! I thought, You cow. Down she came. She’d had her hair done. All the grey gone. She looked better. Tired though. She always looked tired.
‘I want a word in private with you. You owe me that much.’
She looked at me and nodded. ‘We’ll go in the kitchen.’
‘Mum!’ Katie was furious. ‘Mum, you agreed not to!’
‘Agreed.’ I sneered. I meant to say, Yeah, so Katie’s the responsible one, is she? ‘We’ll see about that,’ I said. And I thought, This is coming out all wrong. Because I was there to help, see? I was there to help.
Mum walked into the kitchen and I followed her, and I closed the door after me.
Just me and her.
She sat down at the table. Bloody hell, I thought – it’s the same table, the one we used to have when we were all together. She’d managed to get some stuff back, then. I was supposed to sit down opposite her, but I didn’t. I wasn’t planning on staying long. I wasn’t kidding myself. I knew I wasn’t welcome. It wasn’t going to be a big family reunion – I knew that.
Suddenly I was trying hard not to cry.
She smiled, but it wasn’t a real smile. I got straight in.
‘What’s going on with Katie, then?’
‘What do you mean, Billie?’
‘You know what I mean. Doing the washing. What’s she out there doing the washing for?’
‘It’s one of her chores, Billie. Everyone does chores.’
Can you believe that? Can you believe her neck?
‘I had a lot of chores, didn’t I?’
‘That was different.’
‘Was it now? Was it.’
‘She has her chores. She earns her pocket money. It’s right. What happened with you, Billie … I lost my way, but I’m trying not to make the same mistakes again, Billie, love. I’m trying. I just … I just don’t want you to make it harder for me than it already is.’
Can you believe her? After all I did for her?
‘Oh, I’m sorry!’ I said. ‘Am I making it hard for you? Coming round here to make sure things are all right. That’s making it hard, is it? Well, fuck you.’
‘No, I don’t mean it like that. I’m trying to be a good mum, and …’
I just laughed. I just laughed at her. ‘I was a better mum than you ever were,’ I said, and I started crying then.
‘Billie, I’m so, so sorry for what happened with us. I know it’s my fault. I know I can never make up to you what happened. I lost you. I’m so sorry for that.’
And suddenly I said, and I never meant to say it, and I never knew I was going to say it. I said …
‘Let me back, Mum, please,’ I said. ‘Just let me back, please, I just want to come home.’ And I was crying so hard.
‘Billie, love,’
‘Please, Mum.’
‘We tried, Billie, love, you know that. I can cope with them, but I can’t cope with you, Billie, and that’s all there is to it.’
I pushed the table away. I was crying proper now, I was really crying, and she was crying too, but what does that mean? What’s that worth, her tears? Nothing.
‘It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Billie,’ she said. She came towards me with her arms out, but I couldn’t bear it any more. I ran to the door, but she got in the way and grabbed me in both hands and pulled me to her.
‘It’s not fair, let me go, it’s not fair you doing this to me,’ I cried. I just wanted to smash her but I couldn’t. I couldn’t smash my own mum.
‘I love you so much,’ she whispered in my ear.
I don’t think she could have said anything worse to me. Her love – her stupid worthl
ess shitty love!
‘How dare you? How fucking dare you!’ I screamed, and I shoved her back. She staggered and fell into the cupboards and on to the floor. ‘How dare you tell me that, when we both know what shit it is, what useless fucking shit your love is!’
I was gone. There was a mug on the table and I grabbed it and chucked it at her head, but I missed. She scuttled backwards on her hands and feet while I picked up the chair and then, suddenly, Katie was there. Right in front of me. Right in between me and her.
‘Go away! Go away!’ she was screaming. ‘Why can’t you just go away? Why can’t you just leave us alone? Everything’s all right when you’re not here. Go away, go away, go away!’ she screamed. Her words cut right through me. I wanted to hurt her, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t. I turned round and ran out, crying on to the street, and crying down the road, because I knew then I’d lost them all forever.
Rob
I had three of the best days of my life, sleeping on a pile of cushions next to my mum’s bed. Mum and I hung out during the day while Bridget was at work, and we all sat and watched TV together in the evenings.
Bliss.
As soon as she gets a job, Mum’s going to get a place of her own, and I’m coming to live with her – Davey too. It’s not so bad for Davey, Philip’s OK to him, but I’m pretty sure he’ll want to come as well. Then we’ll all be together, like it should be.
She’s left him before, but I believe her this time. Usually it only lasts a few days. She was away for two weeks once. That’s her record. She took me and Davey with her to Aunty Jen’s, but then Philip came round and convinced her to come back.
‘He’s a sweet-talking guy,’ she told me. Sweet-talking guy! I couldn’t believe she fell for it again. He talks her round every time. She always believes his promises even though he’s broken them so many times. It won’t happen again, I love you, I’m so ashamed of myself, he says – and back she goes. But not this time. This time, she meant it. She’d gone. It didn’t matter how much sweet-talking bullshit he fed her. She’d made her mind for good.
She was getting texts from him all the time.