I nodded. Sandy looked like she was going to cry, but she rubbed her nose and laughed.
“That’s really sweet. You’re lucky. He must love you a lot.”
I was careless, listening to her and not paying attention to anything else.
“Sandy?” Liam called down the hallway.
I shook my head to warn her, but she answered: “Yeah, baby?”
He was almost outside the door, saying, “Where’ve you been? I gotta get on the road.”
The only choice was the closet. I stepped into it, but it was so full I could only wriggle into the perfume-and-smoke-smelling clothes. I didn’t even have time to close the door. I crouched down, holding my breath, and watched the bedroom door open.
Under the edge of Sandy’s clothes, I saw Liam’s legs. He wore jeans with creases down the fronts, and shiny red, pointy-toed cowboy boots.
“I gotta go. Kellen’s waiting on me,” he said.
“Where are you going?” Sandy said.
“I told you. Business.”
“Yeah, but business or business?”
“Don’t get smart with me.” Liam shoved Sandy down on the edge of the bed. That was what happened if you got smart with him.
“Ow,” she said.
“I don’t need Kellen to help me take care of business.”
“Asshole.”
Liam grabbed her hair and pulled. He liked to pull hair, as much as Kellen liked to pet it.
“Come on, baby. Don’t be that way. Why don’t you do a little something for me before I go?”
“Maybe I don’t want to.”
He let go of her hair and put his hands on his belt.
“You don’t want to or you won’t? ’Cause maybe Dee will.”
Sandy sat there, squeezing her hands together on her lap. Then she slid off the bed onto her knees.
“That’s right, Sandy, baby. Why don’t you suck it the way I like?”
I knew what cocksucking was. I’d seen it before. In Kellen’s magazines. At a party. Once I saw Mama do it with a man I didn’t know. It made my stomach nervous, because the mouth was a dirty place. A dangerous place. A way for people to get into you. Not safe, and Liam wasn’t nice. He made Sandy gag and say, “Ow, don’t, Liam. I’m doing it the way you like.”
After he made her cry, Liam said nice things. He told Sandy how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. That’s what he always did after he hurt you. Then he pulled up his pants and left. I listened for the sound of the door closing, for him going down the hallway. I listened for Kellen, too, but he must have been outside already.
When I crawled out of the closet, Sandy was sitting on the bed, wiping her eyes. She looked up and said, “Oh, Jesus, honey. I forgot you were here. Did you—did you see that?”
I shrugged.
Sandy sniffled. “I guess you’re getting your education tonight. It’s not always like that. He’s good to me, but he gets in these moods.”
I knew about Liam’s moods.
“Oh, jeez. Stupid jerk got cum on my shirt.” Sandy pulled her shirt off and under it she wore a leopard print bra. She had big tits. Bigger than Mama’s and Dee’s together. Looking at myself in the mirror, I put my hands on my chest. I was starting to grow there, but my dress was too loose to see anything.
“It takes time, honey. They don’t grow overnight.” Sandy cupped her hands over her bra. “I didn’t always have these. I had to buy these. So I know a few tricks for how to make it look like you have more than you do. A lot of girls make the mistake of getting a big bra and padding it, but what you need to do is show off what you’ve got. Stay here, just a second.”
Sandy was like Donal. When he got hurt he only cried a little and then he was happy again. She went out of the room and came back with a blue T-shirt that looked like one of Donal’s. Out of the closet she pulled a fluttery blue skirt.
“Here, take off your dress. Your undershirt, too.”
I usually only took off my clothes to wash or swim. Now that I was growing, there was more of me to be naked, but Sandy was smiling, so I knew it was safe, like playing dress up with Leslie and Amy when I was little.
I put on the T-shirt that was too tight and the skirt that was too loose until Sandy cinched it up around my hips. I was going to turn around and look in the mirror, but Sandy said, “No, no, take off the shirt.”
Picking up a pair of scissors, she cut off the collar of Donal’s shirt and made the neck of it go into a V. When I put it back on, it was still tight, but it didn’t feel like it was choking me. Then Sandy let me look in the mirror.
“See?” she said. “You have cute little boobs. And this way guys can tell you have them. I’ll bet Kellen would like it if you wore that for him.”
Except for my hair, I didn’t recognize me. My eyes looked strange with the makeup on, more grown up. I looked older.
I knew Kellen loved me. He bought me a ring, and his bike was only for me, but Sandy was right. The women in his magazines had big tits like her, and it wasn’t just in the magazines. I’d seen how he looked at Sandy in her tight shorts and Dee when she went around the house in her nighty. He might look at me like that if I wore this.
“God, I don’t know about you, but I need a pick-me-up,” Sandy said. At least she didn’t make a mess with the crystal like Mama. She had a little spoon that went into the bottle and up her nose. “No, you better not. You’re definitely not old enough for this.”
6
KELLEN
I knew I ought to leave. For two hours, I’d been lying on Wavy’s bed, watching TV with her. The antennae could only pick up PBS, so we watched that Jimmy Stewart movie with the invisible rabbit. Then it went to something with singing and dancing. Maybe The Lawrence Welk Show, but it was hard to tell through the fuzz. It didn’t matter. The TV was just to say, “We’re watching TV,” when all we were doing was lying next to each other. Sometimes talking, mostly not.
It was foggy that night, not cold yet, but we’d seen the last of September. I really wanted another night in the meadow, but the only stars out were the ones on Wavy’s ceiling.
Downstairs, the night nurse was watching TV, too, and probably wondering when I was going home. I’d tried about half an hour before and that’s when Wavy showed me a crumpled up note from a boy in her Algebra class.
It said:
Dear Wavy,
I like you a lot. Will you go to the 8th grade dance with me? You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. Do you like me even a little?
Jimmy Didier
She’d answered him on his own note, with her fancy handwriting:
Jimmy,
Not even a little. And I think my fiancé would be very angry to find out you’re writing me notes like this. Please don’t do it again.
Miss Wavonna Quinn
It was sad but funny. Sad that the boy got his heart broken, wadded up the note and threw it back at her. Funny how Wavy answered him. Funnier how she showed it to me, not bragging but embarrassed.
“I broke the rule,” she said.
“You know, if there was a boy you liked, you could go to the dance with him. I wouldn’t be mad.” I made myself say it with a smile. To be fair to her, I didn’t have no business keeping her from that kinda thing.
Her answer was to punch me in the chest, hard enough that it stung. Then she patted the place she’d punched. I was the boy she liked. When she held out her hand, I kissed the ring to apologize.
She wore it everywhere, including school, even though we were still working out who could know. Teachers, no way. Cutcheon and Roger, yes. Donal, Dee, and Sandy, and that meant Liam knew. I’d been worried at first, but then I figured if Liam didn’t like it, he could come out and say something instead of pretending Wavy didn’t exist. Val? Who could tell what Val knew?
The only trouble I had was at the lab barracks one night when Butch said, “All I’m gonna say about this wedding ring business is there’s a special place in hell for folks who hurt children.”
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“You don’t have to tell me that.” I was mostly thinking of Liam, but I knew what Butch meant.
“You know what I’ve heard?” Neil said. “I heard if you get a girl young enough, if you’re the first guy to fuck her, it’ll make her pussy so—”
We never got to find out what he heard, because I went across that poker table and grabbed the son of a bitch by the throat. Then I squeezed his windpipe hard enough to give him a taste of what going without air for the rest of his short life would be like.
Butch, who usually made peace, didn’t say boo.
I liked seeing the ring on Wavy’s finger. It gave me an excuse to kiss her hand and when I did, she always smiled. That’s what I was doing while we watched TV, kissing her hand and petting her hair the way she liked, when I heard footsteps creeping up the stairs. My first thought was to get off the bed and quick, before the nurse got to the top of the stairs. Except I wasn’t doing nothing wrong. We were just watching TV. If Patty wanted to spy on us, that’s what she’d see.
It was only Donal, coming to crow about how good he was at sneaking around now that he had the cast off his arm.
“I came up the meadow all in the fog and snuck in here. The nurse didn’t even hear me.”
“You keep talking like that and she will,” I said.
“You didn’t hear me either, creeping up the stairs.”
“Did,” Wavy said.
“What are you guys watching?” Donal leaned over the foot of the bed, looking at the TV upside down.
“Lawrence Welk,” I said.
“Let’s go swimming.”
Wavy sat up and nodded. Donal and her went down first, as quiet as they could. I stomped down after them, calling out, “Val, Patty, I’m going. Have a good night.” Then all three of us went out the door, across the porch and into the meadow.
Even with Donal’s flashlight, we could hardly see through the fog. The windmill snuck up on us: a creaking, rusted tower coming out of a wall of white.
Donal stripped down and went into the stock tank, yelling, “It’s cold!”
“What’d you expect?”
“Get in, Kellen!”
“No, I didn’t bring any shorts to swim in.” Beside me in the fog, Wavy was getting out of her boots and dress.
“I didn’t bring any shorts either!” Donal was as loud as Wavy was quiet. He splashed over to the edge of the tank and said, “I’m totally buck naked.”
“Well, I’m not getting buck naked.”
“Why not?”
“Because Wavy’s not my sister,” I said.
“She doesn’t care.”
“I don’t.” Wavy tossed her dress over my shoulder and stepped into my arms.
“I do.”
“Up,” she said.
I put my hands on her waist and lifted her up to the lip of the tank, where she balanced on the balls of her feet like a tightrope walker. Holding onto her hand, I walked her around the tank’s edge. Then she let go of my hand and tumbled backwards into the tank with a splash that made Donal hoot.
“Do me next!” So I balanced him on the tank edge and let him fall in.
They had so much fun, I sometimes wished I wasn’t scared of water. Anyway, it was my job to keep track of Wavy’s dress and Donal’s flashlight, so I leaned against the tank and watched them laugh and splash around. After a while, Wavy circled back to me and held out her hand. I took it, thinking she wanted me to help her out, but she slung her other arm around my neck and tried to pull me in. There was no way she could do it, and after a second she let go and fell back in.
She hauled herself halfway out of the water, her hips against the tank edge.
“What the hell was that?” I said. Damn, she cracked me up, thinking she could pull me off my feet.
“Mermaid.”
“I didn’t know mermaids attacked people and tried to drown them. You’re like something outta that Friday the 13th movie.”
She grinned, and before she sank back under the water, I saw something I wished I hadn’t. With her undershirt plastered to her, there was no way to avoid knowing she had tits now. I felt like an idiot for being shocked, because she was growing up and not just taller.
I figured I’d tell one of Liam’s girls to take Wavy shopping and get her some bras. Except if I did, would Dee or Sandy think I was a pervert for noticing? Anyway, I got over being bothered by buying Maxi Pads for Val. For all I knew I was buying them for Wavy, too. When she wrote them on the shopping list, I didn’t ask who they were for.
It couldn’t be that hard to take her into a store and say, “She needs a bra.” Except Wavy might think I was a pervert for noticing.
I was still worrying it over in my head, when she swam back to the edge and held out her hands.
“You can get yourself out. I’m not falling for that mermaid shit again,” I said.
I guess I sounded more pissed off than worried, because she gave me a sad look and crossed her heart. Drew an X over her little tit, where her nipple stood out hard under the wet undershirt. Wasn’t gonna be able to forget that either.
“Yeah, yeah, you promise.” When I turned my back to her, she touched my arm.
“I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t her fault I felt weird, so I hauled her up on my back, dripping water all over. I tried to set her down, but she hugged me tight around my shoulders and kissed the side of my neck.
With her teeth chattering in my ear, she whispered, “I love you.”
That was all I cared about.
7
WAVY
“Wavy? Your mom’s a little upset. Could you come down and talk to her?” Patty said.
I liked Patty okay. She was better than Casey the day nurse, who had a big smiley voice. It was Patty’s job to be there at night and listen to Mama cry and say awful things. She sounded scared.
I was getting ready to go riding with Kellen, but I went downstairs.
At least the nurses didn’t let Mama lie in bed all day and not wash. I was learning their tricks. How to say, “Let’s get up and brush your teeth. Little steps. Sit up first and then we’ll try to stand up.”
At first, Mama had been horrible to look at. Black and purple, and then green and yellow, but now she was just Mama. Crying and screaming, “Alone!”
I went into her bedroom and closed the door, trying not to be angry that she was stealing time from Kellen. I stood next to the bed, but I didn’t touch her. All Mama wanted was someone to listen.
First it was Grandma. Grandma always liked Aunt Brenda better. Grandma never liked Liam. She never came to visit when Donal and I were born. But how could Grandma come visit if Mama never told her where we were?
Then Liam. Liam and his dirty whores. Liam always thinking with his dick. Liam Liam Liam. I was old enough to know there wasn’t any real magic in the words not to be trusted, but it made my head hurt how Mama would say his name over and over without that protection. Like she wanted him to come and hurt her.
“You can’t trust them, baby. As soon as they’ve got your pussy, they want some other girl’s pussy. Liam, that’s all he wants, notches in his belt. Sean, too. That’s all I ever was. A score. And don’t think that diamond ring means anything.”
Mama grabbed my hand and glared at my ring.
“Kellen bought you that, didn’t he? Liam says, ‘Hell, in some countries I’d have to pay him to take her off my hands.’ He thinks it’s funny. And you’re so stupid you think it’s romantic. Let me tell you a secret, that ring doesn’t mean shit.”
I jerked my hand away and hid it behind my back.
“Kellen is like every other man. All he’s thinking about is getting to fuck you. That’s all they think about. I thought when Liam put a ring on my finger, he would love me forever, but it was a lie. You want that ring, too? I sure don’t need it.”
Mama tried to reach for the night table drawer, but her shoulder still hurt. She flopped back on the bed and moaned. Tears ran out of her, so much water it was like a f
lood that I soaked up with the corner of the sheet.
“Is everything okay?” Patty said outside.
“Baby,” Mama moaned. The mean went out of her eyes and they were only sad. “Be careful. Don’t do what I did and get knocked up, because then you’ll be stuck. Baby, are you listening?”
I didn’t want to listen, but Mama petted my arm. So soft. Almost like Kellen when he touched my hair. I hoped it wasn’t a trick.
“Make him get you on the Pill, okay? Or if he won’t do it, have Dee take you. Will you do that?”
There were so many pills. The pills Sandy took so she wouldn’t get pregnant. The pills she took to make her happy. The pills Mama took. I didn’t want any pills.
“You can’t trust him, baby. He’ll get into you. You can’t get clean once that happens. And then he’ll break your heart, like Liam did mine. But you’re special. Nobody can touch you, okay? Promise?”
Mama dug her nails into my arm.
“Promise me, baby.” It was a trick. She was going to make me promise something and I didn’t even know what I was supposed to promise. Not to trust Kellen? Not to let him creep into me? To take the pills? That nobody would touch me?
Mama was trying to ruin Kellen. To make him bad like Liam.
I pried her hand off my arm. I didn’t even care if it hurt her. If nobody could touch me, that was her, too. When I opened the door, Patty stood outside with her eyes big. I swerved around her and ran.
8
DONAL
Wavy was lucky. She didn’t have to ride the bus to school, because Kellen took her. I wished he could take me, too, but there was only room for Wavy on his bike. Other times, not for school, he let me ride, but only because I was a boy.
Ricki got really mad one night, because Daddy took Dee riding, and left her and Sandy at home. So Ricki asked Kellen to take her riding, but he said, “Sorry. Wavy’s the only girl who gets to ride.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means Wavy is a very jealous mistress,” Sandy said. She wanted to go riding, too, but she wasn’t mad, because she took these special pills. I wished Mama would take some of those.