Most of the time, the secrets fell in my lap, but in other cases I had to do some investigating. I sat in D&T bakery after school, watching and listening. The first time there was a money drop, I didn’t believe I’d actually seen it. I had to go back three more times before I actually confirmed my suspicions. Stuffed in between the chocolate croissants and glazed bear claws were thousands of dollars of dirty drug money. I had always wondered what the workers at a 24-hour bakery did during the 20 hours of downtime.
I scribbled down every secret I could find, exposing my journal pages to the liars of Blackwater, Texas, and every lie I scribbled down helped soothe my soul.
Listening to the town’s gossip had its disadvantages though; I heard every murmured word about Chase and me. I saw every lip that was pursed and every take that doubled.
“Chase has such a bright future, and she’s so troubled. Bless her heart.”
I wanted to kill the next person who tried to bless my heart.
“What does he see in her?”
I wished I could have answered them, “I have no idea.”
I flipped through the pages of my journal, running my hand over the words I’d scribbled there the day before. I didn’t want to go home, so I sat inside D&T and pretended not to notice when someone ordered the blackcurrant macaroons, an inconspicuous off-menu item.
The bell chimed over the door and I glanced up to see Kimberly’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. White, walk into the bakery with big smiles. I hadn’t seen them in years, but they’d aged like vampires: no wrinkles, no worries, just perfect smiles and bright blue eyes.
Mrs. White scanned the small space until her eyes landed on me.
“Lilah Calloway! What a surprise,” she said, skimming her gaze down my Jake Bugg t-shirt and dark jeans. “I haven’t seen you since you and Kimberly’s dancing days.”
I closed my journal and slid it off the table, offering up a fake smile as they approached. “Yeah, it’s been a while.”
Mr. White stood behind her, beaming down at me from ear to ear. Ever the smiling dentist.
“How have you been?” she asked.
“Fine.”
My lackluster conversational skills didn’t deter her.
“Kimberly mentioned that you and Chase were seeing each other,” Mrs. White said with a tilt of her head. “You know, I have to say that we always had Chase picked out for Kimberly. I mean the two of them were so inseparable…while you were away.”
Her hollow eyes made it impossible to tell if she was being malicious or just oblivious. Still, I wanted to reach up and clamp my hand over her mouth. I didn’t need to hear stories about Kimberly and Chase. I had a running loop of their happy faces constantly playing in my head.
“We aren’t really together,” I offered awkwardly.
Her eyes filled with hope. “Oh? Kimberly was just infatuated with him for the longest time. We used to laugh when she'd spend hours getting ready for one of their dates.”
“Oh, that’s funny,” I said, flashing her a flat smile, hoping she’d take the hint and leave. She didn’t. For all I knew, I’d be stuck talking to them for the rest of the afternoon.
“I heard Chase has had quite a few offers to play college ball. Isn’t that amazing?” She didn’t give me time to confirm that it was ‘amazing’. “Do you have plans for after graduation?”
I narrowed my eyes, knowing full well that Mrs. White didn’t care about me. She’d never called after the funeral or offered to help our family. She wanted to know what I was doing so she could compare it to Kimberly. She needed validation that she was a good parent and that Kimberly was the popular little princess she’d always wanted to raise.
I stood and relinquished the table I’d occupied for the last hour. I scooted around them and tipped my imaginary hat.
“Y’know, the only thing I know for sure is that I’m getting the hell out of this town.”
Their mouths dropped and I offered a wave.
“I’ve gotta run, but enjoy your dessert. I’d probably go for the cupcakes if I were you.”
The cupcakes were safe. They were fluffy, innocent desserts. It was the blackcurrant macaroons that signaled a buy.
…
When I got home from the bakery, I went out to inspect the progress of my garden with Harvey by my side. The plants were growing like mad, overtaking the beds and soaking up every drop of water I gave them. I dropped the hose in one of the beds and headed for my raspberry vines. I'd planted four bushes along the fence line so the vines could climb up around the wooden planks. The raspberries were growing slowly, on their own terms. Out of all my plants, I was most like those raspberries vines.
I ran my finger along the budding vines and then forced myself to finish watering the rest of the garden. Once every bed was soaked, I kicked off my shoes and went in to feed Harvey an early dinner. My dad wasn’t home from the baseball game yet and the house was too quiet; there was nothing to help drown out the negative thoughts overtaking my mind. I leaned against the counter and replayed my conversation with Mrs. White until I couldn’t stand it any longer.
I hated Mrs. White, but she wasn’t the only one who didn’t want me to end up with Chase. It confused everyone. It ruined their perfect image of what life should be. Chase was supposed to marry a prom queen, take over the Blackwater Ford dealership, and run for city government. Me? I was supposed to turn into my mother.
It wasn’t a novel idea; I thought about the possibility of becoming her every single day. It was easy to see the similarities, but every time I indulged myself, my logic would eventually kick in. I wasn’t her. I knew that. Still, people viewed me as her spawn. I’d been branded as trouble from the start.
I was standing at my bedroom window, contemplating the opinions of my small town when Chase’s truck pulled up into the driveway. I watched him hop out and my heart kicked up a notch, an innate reaction to his presence. He looked up to see me standing in the window and waved before picking up the pace to get inside.
I kept my gaze on the spot where he’d stood smiling up at me and tried to shove down the secret clawing its way to the front of my thoughts. Loving Chase wasn’t a choice. Every day, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, took a deep breath, and shouldered the weight of my love for him. Even after everything we’d been through, that was my biggest secret, the one I tried to drown in my journal.
I loved the golden boy. I woke up loving him and I drifted to sleep loving him, but having that love returned, letting that love blossom wasn’t a possibility. Even if we could work our way through our past, no one thought I was good enough for him—and honestly, I wasn’t.
When I heard Chase open the front door and bound up the stairs, my excitement to see him momentarily displaced the sadness. My door knob twisted and I turned to find him standing in my doorway with a broad smile.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He took a moment to catch his breath, his broad chest rising and falling beneath his jersey.
“I saw you at my game. Just like I’ve seen you at all the games.”
I crossed my arms and shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t have anything else to do on Saturday afternoons.”
Chase smirked and pushed off the door with dangerous intent.
I held up my hands to stop him, but I knew it was a worthless attempt. “I can smell you from all the way over here!”
He smiled wider and stepped close. “Is your dad home?”
I swallowed. “No.”
He reached out for my waist, gripping it in his hands and tugging me against him.
“Chase, my dad will flip,” I said, pretending I was more concerned about my dad coming home than Chase's hands on my hips.
He dipped down to kiss my cheek, his fingers spinning slow circles along my lower back, driving me mad.
“I thought you said he wasn’t home.”
I was slipping away. Chase was…
“I—”
My thoughts and speech jumbled together into a
mess of inaction. I wanted to push him away, to remind myself of the facts, but Chase’s lips were on my cheek and my neck and then they hovered over mine, waiting for my permission so gently I thought I would crumble.
“You stink,” I teased, trying to lighten the moment.
He laughed and took a step back, lifting his uniform up and tugging it over his head.
My eyes widened.
“Wait—what are you doing?” I asked, keeping steady eye contact with his face.
He shrugged innocently. “Undressing so I can take a shower.”
“Do that in the bathroom,” I argued as he worked on the belt of his baseball pants. My breath caught in my throat at the knowledge that if he pushed the subject, I'd be a total goner. I could see the dip of his torso, the hard lines of his abs, and suddenly I didn’t want to fight against us. I stepped forward and hauled my body against him so that he had to catch me against the door. It rattled in its hinges as I wrapped my hands around his neck.
He laughed into my mouth as we kissed, completely mad for each other. His hands tugged my shirt up and I laughed as it got caught on my head for a few seconds.
“Good, just stay like that,” Chase joked, not helping me tug it off.
“Hey! Help me!”
“But, I'm really enjoying the view,” he quipped, skimming his hands down the center of my stomach. My muscles quivered beneath his touch even as the t-shirt started to cut off circulation.
He reached up to help pull it off, but the ominous sound of the front door opening stopped us dead in our tracks.
“Guys! I'm home. Do you want to go grab dinner?” my dad shouted up the stairs.
Chase and I scrambled apart and I yanked my t-shirt back down over my chest. In a flash of silent shouts and rushed gestures, Chase had his shirt in hand and was creeping across the hall to his room.
“Guys?”
“Okay Dad! Just one second!” I yelled back, keeping my eyes on Chase.
He turned to close his door and his wickedly handsome smile was the last thing I saw.
It was the first time I’d let my love for Chase see the light of day.
Chapter Fifty-One
Lilah
The following week passed in slow motion. Each day blurred from moment to moment: walking to school, sitting through classes, pretending to be okay, avoiding questions, and putting on a fake smile for Chase. I thought that my feelings for him would settle into something comfortable, but Chase and I had passed the point of no return. I was blind with love for him and the more I realized it, the more it scared me.
I loved Chase. I loved him and no one could see how beautifully pure the feeling was. They were too consumed by the juxtaposition of what “was” and what “should be”. To them, I wasn't even worthy of being a star-crossed Capulet to his Montague—I was more the serving wench that must have slipped a love potion into Romeo's stew. I’d stolen him right out from beneath Juliet.
Every day during lunch, I walked by the cafeteria and paused to take in Chase among his friends. I was like an anthropologist studying the habits of a culture I’d never been a part of. I evaded Chase's invitations to join him, choosing instead to hide out in the library or the nature center, whichever one suited my fancy that day.
It felt good to breathe on my own again, to spend thirty minutes without the constant feeling of having someone watching me, studying me, judging me.
I was standing at the door of the cafeteria on Friday when Kimberly walked by with a group of Diamond Girls. When she saw me, she waved off her friends and hung back to talk to me.
“Hey, what are you doing out here?” she asked with a friendly smile.
“Just…regrouping,” I said, speaking the truth for the first time in a week.
Kimberly's eyebrows knit together. “Are you and Chase okay?”
I looked past her shoulder to see Chase reach down for a handful of fries. He was wearing his trademark smirk and I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't fake it.
“Do you ever think about being with Chase?” I asked, ignoring her prior question altogether.
She tilted her head, her friendly smile slipping ever so slightly. “What do you mean? We dated junior year, but that's over now.”
I shook my head. “No, I know that. I mean in the future.”
Her eyes narrowed and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth while she thought.
“I guess I’ve thought about it a little.”
I took a deep breath, trying to shove aside the feeling of acid eating away at my stomach. “It's just that ever since I started dating him, I've sort of felt like an impostor.” I paused, wondering if I should keep going. “And then I see you and him together and it just fits. It makes so much sense.”
She smiled, obviously uncomfortable with my honesty. “But you're with him. He wants to be with you, Lilah.” She pointed to my chest as if to emphasize that point.
I nodded because for now, she was right. For now, I had the golden boy, but it wouldn’t last; he’d picked the wrong girl.
I swallowed down the thought, shoving it so far beneath the surface that by the time physics rolled around, I could offer Chase my best attempt at a genuine smile. Mr. Jenkins passed out the problem set and I focused on it like my life depended on it. Chase and I worked through it together while Connor lagged behind. In a lot of ways, it was the same Friday afternoon I’d had for the last few months, until Chase’s phone buzzed and I glanced down to see an incoming call from Kimberly.
My stomach clenched at the sight of her name. Did she call him often? She was his Diamond Girl, of course she did.
I pretended not to notice the call and he ignored it, but just as we turned in our problem sets, his phone buzzed again. This time he asked to use the restroom so he could answer it. The final bell rang and he never came back.
I watched the other kids in my class bolt, including Connor, but I waited. I glanced back and forth from Chase’s backpack to the door, wondering if he was going to bother coming back for it. Mr. Jenkins packed up his classroom and offered me an expectant glare.
“It looks like Chase skipped out of class early. When you see him please let him know that he’ll be serving detention for that next week.”
I nodded and carried out both of our backpacks, one on each shoulder.
The sky had been dark and cloudy during lunch, but the rain waited long enough for me to eat my sandwich out in the nature center. As I walked out after the final bell, I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky for my walk home.
The wind whipped my hair across my face and I stared up to see dark rumbling clouds overtaking the sky. I smiled thinking about how much my plants needed the rain. It was the first time I'd smiled all week and it slipped away as soon as I looked down to see Chase walking side by side with Kimberly. He’d been running late, and now I knew why. He wasn’t planning on meeting me at all.
The two of them bee-lined for her car in the parking lot. I stood frozen as she reached up to give him a hug before rounding the car toward the driver’s side. My stomach twisted into a knot I was helpless to untangle. I blinked, trying to clear away the scene as they pulled out of the parking lot, wondering if my mind was playing a trick on me. Chase was leaving school with Kimberly. Why? Why would he do that? Had Kimberly told him what I’d said earlier?
My mother always told me to be careful what I wished for, and in that moment I realized how truthful her words were. I should have been more careful about airing my doubts. The universe had listened and acted much faster than I’d even thought possible.
I didn’t have the golden boy any more.
A clap of thunder jostled me back to the present and I knew I needed to get a move on if I wanted to make it home before the rain started. I reached around to pull my phone out of the front pocket of my backpack and felt betrayal melt through me. There wasn't a missed call or a text message waiting to be read. The blank screen sealed my fate: Chase had left school with Kimberly and I would be walking home alone. I tucked my
phone back into the front pocket of my backpack and turned to start my walk home as the first few raindrops started to fall like splatters of paint on the sidewalk.
Just perfect.
By the time I reached the front gate of the school, the rain was pouring harder than it had in years. The school’s buses had already left or I would have turned around and hopped on one. My dad was still working and I didn't want to bother him. My only choice was to continue walking.
I headed around the perimeter of the school with two backpacks weighing down my body and the idea of Chase and Kimberly together weighing down my mind.
I didn’t stop walking until I reached an old oak tree on Main Street. Its canopy was wide and hung low over the sidewalk. I huddled beneath it, hoping the storm would pass quickly. My clothes were soaked and each backpack had gained at least ten pounds of water weight. I dropped them to the dry ground beneath the tree and rolled my shoulders back to loosen the tension in them. The rain didn’t look like it would be letting up any time soon; I knew I'd have to just suck it up until I got home.
I checked my phone again, desperate for a text from Chase, but there was nothing. I bent down to retrieve the backpacks with a groan just as a familiar silver Camry pulled to a stop against the curb right in front of me. Behind the rain-splattered windows, I watched as Trent leaned over and turned the manual crank on the window.
I pushed my wet hair behind my ear and leaned down.
“What are you doing walking home in this?” he asked with a frown.
I looked from left to right, trying to think of a good excuse. I didn’t have one.
“It’s not that bad. I’m almost halfway,” I answered limply.
“Do you want a ride? It’s not going to let up any time soon.”
I looked past his car to the sidewalk covered in puddles and the rain hammering down around me. Truthfully, I'd never been so relieved to have a ride home in my life. I pulled open his passenger-side door and slid onto the seat. He reached over to shove aside a few CDs and crumpled receipts. His hand brushed my thigh and his eyes flew to mine.