He reached out for her hand and I flinched back to reality. I wouldn’t watch her go down that path. I turned to walk away just as she turned back to find me over her shoulder. It was a gift she was offering. Not quite a smile, not really. It was only the tip of her mouth, the right corner lifting in solidarity.
It was hardly anything at all. An untrained eye would have missed it altogether, but I knew what she was doing. I'd seen that look every time I'd pissed Lilah off when we were growing up. It was her tell, the first sign that she was starting to come around and forgive me.
Come back to me, Lilah.
Chapter Fourteen
Lilah
“Why were you just walking with Chase Matthews?” Trent asked as we walked to join the group of kids hanging out under the oak tree at the front of the high school. I tucked my headphones away in my bag, taking a moment to gather my bearings after my walk with Chase.
“Why do you care?” I asked, annoyed with the edge of ownership in Trent’s voice. He and I were not a couple. We were hardly friends.
“He's a preppy douche, Lilah,” Trent said, trying to wrap his arm around my waist. I took a step away instead.
“Thanks for the tip,” I answered haughtily just as Ashley walked up to the group. Her blonde hair was air-dried and wavy, the pink streaks brighter than ever. She’d taken the time to perfect her makeup before school, a concept I couldn’t find the will to get behind. Still, she looked pretty.
“Who's got some they wouldn't mind sharing?” she asked with a laugh, tapping her shoulder against mine. “There's no way I'll get through first period straight.”
A small kid on the other side of Trent started rolling a joint, trying to hide his actions inside his unzipped backpack. He was doing a half-assed job and anyone with half a brain would have been able to discern what he was doing if they’d happened to walk by. I had five months in this hellhole and nothing was going to jeopardize that.
I stepped away from the group and headed for the front doors of the school, not bothering with goodbyes. The first bell was going to ring in a few minutes anyway and I still had to go to the front office and pick up my class schedule.
Trent called out after me, “Lilah, let's hang out after school!”
I waved to him over my shoulder and kept walking, trying to remember what I'd found appealing about him in the first place.
…
I should have gone up to the high school early to finalize my class schedule. The front office was packed with kids trying to switch their classes around. They were all sitting there with their yellow schedules on their laps, scribbling out the classes they didn’t want to take and trying desperately to replace them with something easier. I wished I could have just grabbed one of their schedules and left. Sitting through advanced auto-mechanics beat listening to a bunch of whiny seniors beg for free periods.
“Ms. Calloway.” A short, round secretary tried to find me in the crowd of students. “Ms. Calloway,” she called again.
I pushed to my feet and made my way toward the door behind the reception desk. I’d been to the counselor’s office a few times before I’d moved, and the shock of familiarity made me pause in the doorway. The scent of cheap cologne, a half-dead ivy sitting in the corner, a tall, bald man sitting behind his desk, desperately guzzling down his coffee between student appointments. His name was Mr. Joy, which was ironic considering he’d been the one to deliver the news of my mother’s death.
He glanced up from his coffee to find me standing in the doorway and beckoned me closer.
“Lilah, come in. Come in.”
I moved to take a seat as he tried to find his keyboard beneath the scattered papers on his desk, all the while gulping down long swallows of coffee.
“First day,” he laughed, explaining away the mess.
I sat silent, slipping my hands beneath my legs so I wouldn’t be tempted to touch anything on his desk. I bet there were so many secrets waiting to be found: student records and changed schedules, progress reports and letters of expulsion. Who wasn’t passing pre-cal? Whose parents were calling the school every day, checking to make sure their kid wasn’t cutting class?
“Your high school back in Austin emailed me over your records last week,” Mr. Joy confirmed, typing away on his keyboard.
He hit enter and a squeaky printer behind him spat out my new schedule. He handed it over and I scanned down the list of classes. No Advanced Placement Environmental Science, nor AP Spanish or Statistics.
“I was taking all AP classes back in Austin.”
He frowned. “I saw that. Unfortunately, we don’t offer as many AP classes here, but I’m sure colleges will understand given your…circumstances.”
Circumstances was a euphemism for things he didn’t have the courage to say.
I glanced up to find him studying me. “You know, Lilah, while I have you here, it might be a good time to schedule a one-on-one counseling session. We could talk about your time spent in Austin and what your plans are for the future.”
I folded my schedule in half and stood. “Actually, I better get to my first class.”
“Lilah, I know that the last year and a half haven’t been easy for you.”
I ignored him and pointed to the ivy plant in the corner. “You need to water that. It’s almost dead.”
Honestly, why would I want counseling from a man who lets his plants die?
Ivy is the easiest thing to take care of. Water it and stick it in a window.
I turned and made my way back through the crowded office, happy to be free of Mr. Joy’s kindly stare. I glanced down at my schedule and ticked off the classes I’d like: AP Physics, English Lit, and AP Art History. Then I scanned over the classes that would undoubtedly bore me. I was trading in AP Environmental Science to be a teacher’s aide for a freshman English class. What a royal waste of time.
“Lilah! Lilah Calloway? Is that you?”
I glanced up from my schedule to find Kimberly White standing in the hallway a few feet in front of me. She was helping a group of dance team girls unravel a huge banner that said “Welcome Back to School” in bright, scrolling letters. Each one of them was wearing a different version of the same outfit: tight jeans, knee-high boots, and a cashmere sweater. They looked like a Macy’s ad. Kimberly abandoned them to greet me and I swallowed down a lump of jealousy.
In another life, I was supposed to be Kimberly. Freshman and sophomore year of high school we’d been co-captains of the high school dance team, blonde, and popular—but I was popular by proxy. Chase had pulled me into the spotlight but Kimberly was destined to be there. She’d been dealt a perfect hand in life, one that included good genes, a sweet disposition, and rich, doting parents. Her dad was the only dentist in Blackwater and when she smiled, I was reminded of the fact that she’d had braces not once, but twice. A perfect smile for a perfect girl.
“I can’t believe you’re back,” she said, beaming at me after she’d engulfed me in a one-sided hug. “You look so cute with that haircut, like Emma Watson or something!”
“Oh, thanks,” I said, trying to casually sidestep her. First bell was about to ring and I had no clue where my first class was.
She noticed my retreat with grace. “Oh, duh! You have to get to class. Why don’t you come find me during lunch? We can catch up!”
I nodded, although I was confused by what she meant. I didn’t need to catch Kimberly up on my life; she and the rest of that small town knew every sordid detail from beginning to end. My family’s secrets had been plucked, pressed, preserved, and put on display.
It wasn’t fair that everyone knew my secrets but I didn’t know theirs. The scales were tipped in their favor, and since I couldn’t erase the secrets on my side, it was time to start weighing down theirs.
Chapter Fifteen
June 1997
Blackwater, Texas
Graduation day symbolized freedom. Elaine and Hannah had counted down the days, marking them off one by one until they could f
inally don their creased graduation gowns and walk across the stage once and for all. Blackwater High didn’t have much of a budget for a graduation ceremony, which meant each year it took place out on the football field, on top of the dry summer grass with the twinkling stadium lights usually reserved for Friday nights in the fall.
Elaine cursed the poor lighting in the stadium bathroom as she tried in vain to flatten her hair beneath her graduation cap. No matter how much she worked with them, the pale blonde strands wouldn’t cooperate. If she’d had it her way, she and Hannah would have skipped graduation altogether. There was no point in her being there. Her mom was working a late shift and her dad was rotting away in a jail across the state. No one would be cheering for her in the stands.
“Okay, I give up with my hair. Are you almost done in there?” Elaine asked, spinning around to face the stall Hannah had locked herself inside ten minutes earlier. “We’re gonna be late.”
When Hannah didn’t respond, Elaine stepped closer and pressed her ear to the stall door, trying to hear Hannah over the noise of the stadium.
“Oh my god, c’mon!” someone yelled from the back of the long line. “There are other people waiting!”
The bathroom was small, only three stalls in total, and Hannah had occupied one of them for too long.
“Hannah?” Elaine asked, trying to coax her friend out before mob mentality took over.
When Hannah didn’t reply, Elaine crouched down to look beneath the stall door. Hannah was pacing back and forth in the tiny space.
She frowned. “Hannah. What are you doing?” She stood and rattled the locked door. “Let me in.”
For the past few weeks Elaine had noticed that Hannah was off. She hadn’t wanted to talk about their approaching move to Austin, she hadn’t wanted to browse through classified ads for apartments. Elaine had assumed she was getting cold feet, but as Hannah opened the door to let Elaine step into the stall with her, she feared it was much, much worse.
Hannah’s graduation cap was upside down on the bathroom floor, dirty and forgotten. Her graduation gown was unzipped and falling off her shoulder. Her makeup was smeared and her tears were carrying mascara down her cheeks in splotchy black lines.
Elaine stepped closer, trying to console her friend, and that’s when Hannah unfolded her fists, revealing the slim pregnancy test hidden inside. Two little pink lines stretched across the results window.
Those two pink lines took their best-laid plans and turned them to dust.
“I’m pregnant,” she whispered.
Chapter Sixteen
Chase
Halfway through Lilah’s first day back, I walked into the cafeteria with my tray of food and tried to find her. Even though most everyone had grown up together, the jocks still ate with the jocks and so on. Everyone had their unofficial assigned spot—everyone except for Lilah.
She was nowhere to be found. I took the long way to my seat and then looped around the room once more. Finally, I circled back to the entrance of the cafeteria and slid into the last open seat at my table of friends.
“Took you long enough,” Connor laughed.
I brushed off his comment and worked on my hamburger wrapper, barely managing to unwrap it before they jumped in on my living situation. They all knew my dad was a drunk, so they weren't surprised that I'd moved out—they were just surprised by where I'd ended up.
“I can't believe you used to be friends with Lilah Calloway,” Connor blurted out after taking a massive bite of his burger. “She’s in my second period and she scares the hell out of me.”
Kimberly spoke up before I could. “She's actually really nice. We used to be on dance team together.”
Connor had moved to our town at the beginning of junior year, so he’d never known the pre-loner version of Lilah. Even the kids who’d grown up with her hardly remembered that version of her, which is why I was surprised Kimberly was sticking up for her.
“Well, I think she’s hotter now than she was before. She looks like a sexy vampire or something,” Brian added.
I threw my burger wrapper at his head.
“You’re full of shit.”
“I said a SEXY vampire!” he clarified, holding his hands up in surrender and looking to Connor for backup. None came.
I narrowed my eyes at him, wondering how many other guys at school had a thing for Lilah. Trent sure as hell did.
“Kim, do you know if Lilah and Trent are dating?” I asked, picking up a handful of fries.
Connor perked up like a dog begging for a bone. “Does the almighty Chase Matthews want to be an Edward to her Bella?”
I ignored him and glanced toward Kimberly.
She was fidgeting with something in her purse. “Oh, I’m not sure. Didn’t she just move back to town?”
“Yeah, on Saturday.”
She zipped up her purse with a forceful tug. “I can ask around if you want?”
I shrugged, trying to think of a good excuse for why I’d care about Lilah’s love life. “Yeah, I just hate that kid, so if he's going to be hanging around her house, I’d like to know.”
She nodded, still not meeting my eyes, and I wondered if I’d made a mistake. Kimberly and I had dated off and on the year before, but we'd been friends—just friends—for a while. Asking her for help with Lilah probably wasn’t the smartest move, but I needed to know.
…
AP Physics was my last class before baseball practice and the teacher, Mr. Jenkins, had a way of making the forty-five minute period stretch on for what felt like hours. I walked into the classroom and arced my empty water bottle into the recycling bin near his desk. It landed smoothly inside the bin, but Mr. Jenkins still glared at me over the top of his 80s-style reading glasses and pointed his finger at my desk.
“Find your seat, Mr. Matthews.”
Apparently he hadn’t found a personality over winter break, which meant the last semester of his class would be just as unbearable as the first.
I turned to join Connor at our table and then froze when I saw Lilah standing in the back of the room with her arms crossed and her eyes pinned on me. I hadn’t seen her all day, not in the morning assembly or in the hallways between classes. I smiled. She’d avoided me all day, but apparently she and I would be in the same sixth period for the next few months.
Our physics class was set up so that everyone worked in pairs. Each pair shared a small black table, which explained why Lilah was standing by herself: she didn’t have an assigned seat yet. I dropped my backpack on my chair and then glanced around the room. Mr. Jenkins had paired us up the semester before, so unless someone had dropped the course, Lilah would have to work alone or join a team of two.
“Edward, stop staring and sit,” Connor said.
I ignored him and headed back toward Mr. Jenkins’ desk. He pretended not to notice me at first, but I cleared my throat, and finally his gray hair tilted back and his annoyed stare met mine.
“How was your winter break, Mr. Jenkins?” I asked with a smile.
He narrowed his eyes. “Go back to your seat, Mr. Matthews.”
“Actually, I wanted to ask you if Lilah Calloway could join Connor and me at our table? Since there’s an odd number and all.”
Connor groaned and a few students laughed. I kept my focus on Mr. Jenkins as he leaned to the side to look at Lilah standing in the back of the class. It looked like he’d only just realized she was back there. He studied her and then glanced back at me, trying to work out my angle.
I widened my smile and shrugged.
“Lilah, pull a chair up to their table,” he said, returning his attention to the work on his desk. “You’ll work with Chase and Connor this semester.”
“Uh, actually, I can just work alone,” she protested with a calm, firm voice.
Mr. Jenkins sighed and shook his head. “No. We work in pairs in this class, or in your case, a trio.”
“But I was in AP Physics at my old school. I’m sure I can manage on my own.”
&
nbsp; He closed his eyes, pulled the glasses from his face, and massaged the skin beside the bridge of his nose. “Please, just do as I ask.”
The subject was closed.
I smiled and turned to face Lilah. Her bright eyes were furious. Every student in the class had turned to watch her and a deep blush spread across her cheeks and neck. I pulled a chair from the corner of the room, shoved Connor toward the window, and dropped the empty chair on the other side of mine.
She waited until the final bell rang and then she took the seat beside me, positioning herself on the chair so that she was as far away from me as possible.
“Is this your idea of a joke?” she whispered as Mr. Jenkins stood to begin that day’s lesson.
I pulled out my notebook and shook my head.
“No joke. My plan is to win you back one physics problem at a time.”
Connor laughed. “Does this make me Jacob?”
Lilah ignored the both of us as Mr. Jenkins started drawing out an equation on the blackboard. For the first time I could remember, I was excited to be in Mr. Jenkins’ physics class.
Chapter Seventeen
Lilah
I knew from years past that Chase had baseball practice after school Monday through Thursday, so I didn't bother waiting for him after the final bell rang. I put my headphones in, pressed play on my iPod, and broke through the crowded hallway until I reached the side door of the school. I pushed it open and inhaled a deep breath of fresh air.
On days like that, when winter was retreating and I could finally feel the sun again, it was hard to remember why I hated springtime so much. That crisp air should have held possibilities, but I’d take one step into spring and the sad memories would fling back into my thoughts so hard I'd have to pinch my eyelids closed to control the residual pain.